


May We Meet Again

by Phoenix_Rises_Again



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Blood, Canon Divergent, Clexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Gore, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Smut, Torture, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-05-14 01:53:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 170,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5725333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Rises_Again/pseuds/Phoenix_Rises_Again
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A more intimate look at the development of both Lexa and Clarke post Mt. Weather. Clarke goes off to the Ice Nation, Lexa becomes a Reaper.  Not all the Mountain Men were killed in the attack. Clarke saves Lexa and hopefully, eventually, they'll both save each other. It doesn't completely follow the set story line from Season 2's finale, but what's the point of fanfics then? Not sure where this is going yet, but I'm excited to find out. I hate the suspense of waiting for chapters so I'll be posting as quickly as possible.  If y'all like it, let me know, I have another chapter ready to go.</p><p>This is my first published fanfic, but I couldn't help myself. These characters inspire me. </p><p>Go easy on me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's a slow start, a slight recounting for those who may not have seen the series. Just stick with it, I promise it will be worth it. This chapter is a little short, I'm thinking future chapters will likely be longer.
> 
> Please let me know if you spot any spelling/grammar issues. I'm pretty sure there are a few, but you can only look at your own words so much before you hate everything and want to trash it.

      The Commander stood atop a hill, overlooking the now quiet valley before Mount Weather below. She was well hidden behind the thick foliage of the forest and the all-encompassing darkness. The evening sky was pitch black, with no moon or stars visible.  A slight breeze played through the leaves, catching the few errant brunette strands not picked up in one of her many intricate braids, allowing them to play across her neck and face.  Lexa paid it no mind, though. Her attention was focused on the open space below her, searching for any movement or signs of life. Despite her cover, she had a clear view of Mount Weather and the entrance to the caves where she had seen Clarke disappear moments ago; likely on a suicide mission to free her people.

     Lexa drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes as their final interaction played through her mind for the hundredth time. She was swiftly met by an unexpected and overwhelming wave of pain the memory brought her.  As she clenched her eyes closed, the images flooded across her eyelids, causing her eyes to burn with frustrated tears.  She refused to cry though. She knew in her heart she had made the best decision, despite the way that she felt now. Images of Clarke appeared, the look of panic evident in her eyes, initially believing the Commander had surrendered to the Mountain Men.  Lexa clenched her eyes shut harder as the next image played over the previous, this one of Clarke’s face as she realized that Lexa had instead come to an agreement with the Mountain Men and betrayed Clarke and the Sky People. Her mind stayed on that image longer then the last, intentionally torturing Lexa for the choice she had made.

      Lexa replayed each emotion that had flit across Clarke’s face- hate, betrayal, anger, heartbreak, sadness, and disbelief- as Clarke realized that Lexa had made a deal to only save the Grounders. Finally, Lexa’s subconscious moved on, giving her momentary relief before the next image played across her still closed eyes.  This time, it was the utter heartbreak upon Clarke’s face as Lexa and her army turned their backs on the Sky People and walked away, leaving them to die. The look of hope being crushed upon Clarke’s face was the most vivid image remaining in her mind. Lexa knew that she would never forget that look, even until the end of her days. She could not seem to wipe that final image of Clarke’s devastated face from her mind; the pain of betrayal radiating from Clarke had been almost palatable.

      Only Lexa had not been able to leave, not completely.  She swallowed hard, forcing the images from her mind and opening her eyes, pushing the images away.  The valley below her remained unchanged, the gentle breeze the only movement through the grass. Though she knew it was a great risk, and a sure sign of weakness, she had not been able to simply leave without knowing the fate of the Sky People, and their leader.  Lexa had tried to send her guard ahead, telling them she would join when the battle was finished.  They had, of course, attempted to reason with her, telling her it could still be dangerous.  There was no way of knowing how many of the Mountain Men had been successfully treated with the bone marrow of the 48 Sky People they had been holding captive.  Lexa saw no reason to worry, however, knowing all hands would be needed in the Mountain once they realized the Grounders were marching on their complex.  Regardless, she knew it would be stupid to assume none would be patrolling outside the Mountain, spying to keep tabs on her army as it neared the Mountain.

      In the end, she had allowed one guard, Ryder, to stay behind with her, at a comfortable distance. This allowed her the momentary privacy to remove her “Commander” mask and just breathe.  She needed a few moments to come to terms with the decision she had made and to face the emotions she was not aware she had been harboring.  She was still reeling at the overflow of emotions that had surfaced as she struggled to decide between saving her people, and her loyalty to the Sky People- and to Clarke. For so long, Lexa had tried to stay distant, cold even, when it came to her emotions. She liked to pretend that they did not even exist, and knew they had no place in someone that held her position among her people. She had found that being emotional only caused her pain, pain she had long ago decided that she never needed to feel again.   Until she had met Clarke. The seemingly fearless blonde leader of the Sky People had surprised her with her passion for not only her own people, but for Lexa’s as well. It was a passion Lexa had only seen met by herself. Despite all of Lexa’s best attempts at keeping her distance and maintaining a nonchalant attitude, there had been something about the blonde that Lexa had not been able to shake; something that Lexa had been unable to ignore, no matter how she tried. Clarke had a won a piece of her heart the moment she had stepped into Lexa’s tent that first time, only a mere twelve days ago.

_“You’re the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive,” Lexa said, twirling her dagger in her hand and staring pointedly at the blonde._

_“You’re the one who sent them there to kill us.” Clarke had challenged Lexa back defiantly, no fear in her eyes._

      From their first exchange, Lexa had know the blonde would be trouble, but she had not foreseen how quickly and completely she would fall for the girl with the golden hair and ocean blue eyes. Sure, they’d had less than two weeks together, but life moved faster on the ground. Things such as love and trust came quickly when you were living each day one at a time, just hoping to survive to the next sunrise. During their brief but tumultuous time together, Lexa had begun to feel for Clarke, in ways that she knew would be dangerous for someone in her position. Ways that Lexa knew might make her appear weak to her people.  Lexa had fought hard against those feelings, had fought to maintain her steely outside façade, and fought to appear as the untouchable leader of her people. Unfortunately, or fortunately, just watching Clarke across their camp was enough for Lexa to forget her title, forget her obligations to her people, and forget there was a world outside the two of them. Hope began to grow inside Lexa, as she found her breath and pulse quickening at just the thought of being around the blonde. Lexa had to fight to maintain her gaze anytime Clarke walked into a room or spoke with her in front of her people.

      With full understanding of what a relationship with the Sky Girl could entail for her life expectancy, Lexa nonetheless found herself musing over the blonde for the majority of her days. Lexa had found hope again, for so many things that she had long given up on. Looking at Clarke, she could see a future, in the first time since Costia. She had begun to imagine a future, one that was interwoven with the Sky Girl. In her most private moments, she had even allowed herself to imagine that Clarke returned her feelings. Had hoped that one day Clarke would return her feelings. She would quickly dismiss that line of thought, however, knowing that anything between her and the Leader of the Sky People would only jeopardize the fates of both their people. Still, she could not prevent herself from wondering, in those moments she spent alone with Clarke in her tent, what the blonde thought of her and whether the feelings could ever be reciprocated.  

      Lexa had gained a small amount of insight, and hope, when they had been trapped and injured, fighting the _Pauna_. As the _Pauna_ had grabbed ahold of Lexa’s leg, intent on making her it’s next victim, Lexa had demanded Clarke leave her behind and save herself. “No way,” Clarke had exclaimed immediately as she grabbed her pistol and fired at the giant gorilla. In the commotion, Lexa could swear Clarke had really yelled _“Nowe"_ in Lexa’s native tongue which actually translated to “Never”. Again, Lexa had found herself regarding Clarke with the highest respect as the blonde had actively fought to save Lexa at the risk of her own life. In the quiet moments that followed, as Clarke tended to Lexa’s badly injured shoulder, Lexa had felt her hopes grow and solidify. Even though Clarke had told Lexa the only reason she had saved her was because she “needed her," Lexa had seen the look in Clarke’s eyes and knew it was more then mere need. Lexa saw the fear in Clarke’s eyes as Lexa had been pulled back by the _Pauna_ , the concern as she examined Lexa’s dislocated shoulder, and the relief when they’d both finally escaped the _Pauna_. There was a desire and hope in Clarke’s eyes as well. The same desire and hope that Lexa had tried (and failed) to hide, in herself. 

      Lexa had only known Clarke for twelve days when the attack on the mountain was to begin. Less than two weeks, yet Lexa had felt she had known Clarke for an entire lifetime. She had a level of comfort and trust around Clarke that she had been unable to find in anyone since Costia. There was also an ease to her interactions with Clarke. She did not have to focus on being the cold and calculating Commander that held everyone at arm’s length. She could allow herself to loosen her mask and be more… _Lexa_ ; less hidden under a guise and more willing to hope for her own happiness. Clarke had given Lexa the idea that maybe it was ok for her to be happy again. That maybe Lexa did deserve more than just surviving from day to day. 

      Lexa mused at her favorite moment with Clarke, forever burned into her memory. It had taken place in her tent mere hours earlier. Lexa, who commanded large numbers of warriors and marched into battle without fear, had never been more afraid in her tent with Clarke, alone. The blonde simultaneously scared and excited her, constantly challenging her to be a better version of herself. Clarke could frustrate Lexa like no other person she had ever know, even Costia, but Lexa had never felt more alive. As the war grew closer, Lexa had put her fear aside and allowed her heart to lead over her head, taking a huge emotional risk and finally kissing the Sky Princess.  She had laid herself bare in front of the blonde, praying Clarke would reciprocate her feelings, for she didn’t know if she could handle the crushing emotional pain otherwise. Clarke had initially startled back in surprise, and Lexa had a fleeting thought of regret, of instant self-doubt, but it was quickly put to rest as Clarke then kissed her back. Lexa could have lost herself in the taste and feel of Clarke’s lips on hers for eternity, but as soon as the kiss had begun, it was ended. Clarke had pulled back, saying that she wasn’t ready…yet.  This time, there were no feelings of self-doubt for Lexa; she knew what she had felt in that moment. The exchange had left Lexa with feelings of hope and weightlessness, two words Lexa never thought could be used to describe her again.  Lexa also knew that she would wait until end of her days for Clarke. That would never change.  

      Lexa knew she wanted to have the chance to turn Clarke’s “yet” into a “yes," and had invited to blonde to accompany her to Polis once the Mountain Men were destroyed. Lexa told Clarke that Polis would change the way she saw and thought of the Grounders. Clarke replied that Lexa had already done that, but Lexa had read the resounding “yes” behind Clarke’s words. Lexa felt renewed yet again, a common occurrence thanks to the leader of the Sky People. Then everything had come crashing down around them. Their well thought battle plans weren’t working. They couldn’t get the door to Mt. Weather open, they were stuck, with no other options. Clarke and Lexa’s worst fears were being realized and they were helpless to change it. Lexa had gone off, determined to find another way to save all their people, and had instead made a deal with the devil. Lexa had struggled so hard to find any other way around what she had chosen to do. In the end, she knew that it was her only option. Despite how her feelings had grown for Clarke, the responsibilities to her people would always come first. Knowing that, Lexa had abandoned her hope and her own chance at happiness, in favor of saving her people from the Mountain Men. Telling Clarke of her betrayal had nearly crushed Lexa’s spirit. Lexa had wanted to explain to Clarke why she had done what she had, but she knew she would be perceived as weak by her people. Ultimately, she had fought back tears and the urge to embrace Clarke, instead turning and leaving Clarke and the Sky People to die. Clarke, her only chance for redemption, was now likely dead, and Lexa’s emotions with her.  

      Without a moon to judge the passing of time, Lexa could only assume she had been waiting atop the hill for a couple hours. The time seemed to move slower as she waited for any indication of life from the stoic mountain, waiting with bated breath for a sighting of the blonde. She just needed to see that Clarke was ok. Lexa figured if she knew the blonde was alive somewhere on this planet, she could carry on with her life. Not having Clarke on this earth was not a possibility that Lexa even wanted to entertain. Lexa sighed again. If she didn’t start back soon, her people would notice and the position she’d fought to maintain-the position she had betrayed Clarke for-would be for nothing. Lexa looked around, trying to locate Ryder. She found him standing approximately thirty feet behind her left shoulder, his gaze pointed in her direction, but watching the woods around her rather than her specifically. _Looking for threats_ , she thought. She appreciated him giving her enough space to process in silence.  She turned back to face the mountain, rolling her shoulders to relieve some of the tension that had settled there in the last couple hours.  

      Lexa was about to turn and leave, figuring that she had lost her right to know whether Clarke lived or died, when she heard a faint sound coming from the valley below. It started out low but was amplified as the breeze picked it up and carried it to where Lexa stood on the hill. It was a mechanical whirring, as if something were being pulled back or opened up. Lexa’s eyebrows drew together in confusion as she struggled to understand what she was hearing, and then she had a fleeting moment of hope as she looked for the door to the mountain, thinking that could be the only explanation for the sound. As she stared at the door, waiting for it to move, to open and for Clarke and her people to emerge, a second, more chilling sound was carried up to her on the wind. Again the noise started out low, but gained volume as the wind picked up, and it froze Lexa in place, chilling her to her core.

      It was the sound of hundreds of people screaming in agony, as though their flesh was being slowly burned from their bones.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter continues where the last left off, sorry for the cliffhanger! (FYI, this one ends just as badly-don't hate me!) This one kind of ran away from me, but I'm so happy it did. I love the way it developed and the layers that seemed to create themselves. If you enjoy it, please let me know!
> 
> Any grammar/continuity/spelling errors, please comment below! I don't have a beta so I'm proof reading this one myself. 
> 
> The next chapter may be delayed, as always, life gets in the way. But hoping it will be up in less than a week from now.

      Lexa stood rooted to the ground, unable to move or breathe, listening as the tortured screams grew in intensity.  They filled every fiber of her being, their agony ripping at her spirit, breaking her down bit by bit and weaving themselves into her core, never to be forgotten.  After what seemed like an eternity, and when Lexa felt she could bear no more, the sound slowly faded out until the only noise left was the breeze rustling leaves.  Lexa expelled the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in one harsh burst, imagining the pain of the people she’d just borne witness to was leaving with it, cleansing her as it left.  She drew in another one quickly, her breathing becoming ragged and erratic as she fought to maintain what little composure she had.  She fought the panic bubbling up in her throat as she imagined what could have possibly caused such distress in so many people simultaneously.  She fought the urge to run down immediately and find Clarke, see that she was alive and not a part of the horror that had just unfolded.

      Lexa looked back at her guard and saw the horror she was feeling reflected in his features.  He had stepped closer to her when he had first heard the mechanical sound, anticipating an attack.  His breathing was hitched as well, a sign he had been just as affected as Lexa.  Neither of them could have know that what waited would be much worse.  Lexa debated the pros and cons of scaling the hills and attempting to gain entry to the mountain.  She was already imagining the worst, imagining Clarke lying in the mountain in a pool of her own blood, dead. 

      “Heda, we should go. Now," Ryder stated to her.  She glanced back at the mountain, not wholly ready to move on yet, still needing to know what happened. Still needing to know if Clarke was alive.

      “Heda, please," Ryder pleaded, fear evident in the tone of his voice.  “Whatever is happening down there, it is already done. We will not be able help and I fear I alone can not protect you from whatever evil awaits us down there.”

      “I know, Ryder," Lexa replied, still staring at the mountain below them.  “Just…a few more minutes.  Whatever just happened may have repercussions for our people.  We should at least learn what we can.” 

      Lexa unconsciously shivered at the thought of what terrors could be awaiting them.  Never in her life had she ever heard anything so ominous and chilling.  She imagined this was the payment she received for betraying the woman she had cared so deeply for, for betraying the 48 souls of the Sky People and leaving them to die.  This was her torture, to remember their screams as they died agonizing deaths, Clarke included.  She felt the air leave her lungs at the thought of the blonde, lifeless, no longer on this earth.  She began to feel dizzy, unable to form a coherent thought, lost in a sudden wave of panic and grief.  Tears began to burn the back of her throat and eyes and she balled her hands into fists to hide the fact that they were shaking.  She could feel her nails biting into her palms, and began to feel the warm stickiness of blood running through her fingers.  She didn’t care though, the pain was good.  It grounded her back on earth, in the present, and chased away a large part of the overwhelming panic she had been losing herself to.

      Just as she was fighting to regain her composure, so that she could make it back to her people, another sound from the mountain vibrated through the air.  She stiffened as another mechanical whirring began to emanate from the valley below, this sound different than the first.  It had a heavier quality to it, as if whatever was moving weighed an immense amount and hadn’t been used in quite some time.  Her eyes widened as she saw the door on the mountain slowly opening.  She watched as a person emerged from inside, stepping cautiously out into the valley, as if waiting to be attacked.  It was hard to tell who the person was, as they were crouched low to the ground, but as they stood up, Lexa recognized the war paint streaked across the female’s face.  _Octavia_.  Lexa immediately opened her hands, allowing the blood to flow freely but stopping the pain.  She held her breath as she waited for anyone else to follow Octavia, really only waiting for one particular person to emerge. 

      She watched as Octavia turned back to the opening of the mountain and motioned to someone behind her that was still out of Lexa's view.  Unconsciously, Lexa took a couple steps forward, attempting to gain a better vantage point to make out the people now steadily spilling out of the opening in the side of the mountain.  She was still concealed behind the thick foliage that the forest offered, but could more easily make out the individual features of the people emerging from the mountain.  They all seemed to be Sky People, though the only one she still recognized was Octavia.  After a minute, she spied Kane walking out, supporting another female as she limped out into the valley.  Lexa squinted to make out the features of the person Kane assisted, gasping when she realized it was Abby, Clarke’s mother.  Lexa began to feel hopeful, waiting for Clarke to emerge.  She had to be with them.  Clarke was a fighter and a survivor, just like Lexa.  Lexa found herself counting the people in the valley below as they emerged, becoming more and more worried as Clarke still hadn’t made an appearance.

      As Lexa watched a couple Sky People carry someone out on a makeshift cot, she again leaned forward, just hoping for a better look.  She steeled herself against the fear welling up in her throat, imagining the worst.  She relaxed only slightly when she was able to make up Raven’s frail form on the cot.  The girl was clearly unconscious and beaten.  Lexa shuddered, realizing whatever Raven had endured was likely a result of Lexa leaving the Sky People when they needed her most.  She continued to count off the original Sky People in her head. _38…39…40…41…42…_ Still no sign of Clarke.  Lexa’s eyes tracked Bellamy as he also stepped out of the mountain into the valley, looking to be a little beaten, but otherwise no worse for wear. Lexa had assumed that if Clarke was with her people, she would be with her mother, Octavia, Bellamy, or Raven.  They were the ones that she had seemed to care for most. 

      Finally, Lexa had all but lost hope as her count reached 48.  Not counting the additional Sky People like Abby and Kane, all the original captive teenagers were out of the mountain and Clarke was no where to be found.  She could feel the cold fingers of panic reaching into the depths of her soul, attempting to take hold.  _What have I done?  s_ he thought, for the first time questioning her decision.  Clarke had been counting on her and she had failed her, and now, she may have killed the Sky Girl.  It was never her intention, but it had happened and she would have to find a way to live with that.  To live with herself.  She fought the panic as best she could, but resigned herself to the idea that Clarke was indeed dead. 

      As Lexa began to turn and leave, a bright spot in the valley below her caught her attention, freezing her in place.  She turned back around as she caught a glimpse of gold in the muted light streaming from the tunnel behind the entrance to the mountain.  _Could it be…?  Was it…?  Yes!_   It was without a doubt, Clarke.  She knew that blonde hair and blue leather jacket anywhere.  She felt the relief flood through her as she fought to stay on her feet, overwhelmed with a rush of emotions.  Clarke was alive.  Clarke was safe.  Lexa let out a shuddering breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding.  Her shoulders slumped forward slightly in relief, as if the weight of the world was finally off her shoulders, even if for the briefest of moments.  Lexa had not killed her, she was alive and appeared to be in one piece.  For the second time that night, Lexa found herself fighting back tears.  Thankfully though, the tears this time were out of happiness and not heartbreak.  Lexa could carry on in peace knowing that Clarke was out there somewhere, living her life.  Though Lexa knew it wasn’t what she wanted, she knew it was the best she would get after betraying Clarke.  

      As she watched Clarke follow her people out, Lexa understood why the blonde was the last to leave the mountain.  Clarke always was and always would be the leader of her people.  She would always be the one to make sure every last one of her people came home at the end of the day.  Lexa was simultaneously frustrated and happy at this thought.  Lexa herself was the same way, clearly, always putting her people before herself.  Lexa’s eyes remained glued to Clarke and she watched as Clarke took stock of her people, but remained in the rear of them.  Lexa frowned as Bellamy walked to where Octavia was standing and began to lead the Sky People out of the valley and back towards Camp Jaha. 

      Clarke remained in the back at quite a distance from anyone else.  Clarke’s arms were crossed over her chest and she appeared to be trying to keep herself held together with that simple stance.  Lexa’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.  Even though Lexa had only known Clarke a short time, she knew that Clarke and Bellamy always led their people together.  A united front.  As Lexa watched Clarke more closely, Lexa noticed a difference in her, as if Clarke were trying to fold in on herself, as if she were trying to disappear altogether.  Something was wrong, something had changed in the blonde.  It looked as if a darkness was following her, one that weighed heavily upon the Sky Girl’s soul.

      Before Lexa had a chance to wonder further on Clarke’s strange behavior, she heard a twig snap quietly behind her.  Knowing Ryder would not cause any noise when he moved, she quickly unsheathed her knife and started to turn to face whatever had made the noise.  Lexa never even had a chance to bring the knife up and turn before she was struck in the head from behind by something solid and unforgiving.  The blow was jarring, forcing Lexa to all fours on the ground, trying to clear her vision which was currently going dark at the corners.  As she was trying to push the stars from her vision and right her world, Lexa felt a wave of nausea rise up in her throat and fought to push the bile back down.  She felt the warm stickiness of blood beginning to run down her through her hair and down her cheek.  It was flowing freely, and quickly, dripping into the dirt.  A small pool began to take shape as she struggled to remain conscious.

      Before she could regain her senses, something struck her square in her left side.  She winced as she heard something crunch, likely a rib, and her breath left her body in a sudden _whoosh_.  The force of the impact threw her from all fours onto her back.  As she tried to take in a breath, she was stopped short by a sharp and blinding pain in her left side.  _Definitely a rib,_ she thought as she grimaced.  She rolled onto her side, trying to get up, and froze as she was met by the lifeless gaze of Ryder lying on the ground next to her.  His throat was slit, a gaping wound stretching from ear to ear, tissues and ligaments exposed in a manner no one should ever witness.  His blood, so much blood, pooled underneath him, creating a large puddle that Lexa now realized she was lying in.

      How had she missed the sounds of the attack?  Of Ryder’s life rushing from his body?  How could she be so foolish to let her guard down, focusing only on the activity in the valley below?  Why had she been so stupid and stubborn to stay behind for the blonde?  The mistake might now cost Lexa her life.  Still trying to gather herself, she felt a tug at her back, and ignoring the pain in her ribs and head, she looked up into the face of her attacker.  It was a man that she didn’t recognize, but he had the clean appearance of a Mountain Man.  His clothing was neat, pressed even, not a stitch out of place.  The only hint of anything out of the ordinary was the small splattering of blood he had around the cuffs of his sleeves and suit jacket.  He was holding some kind of large, solid branch in his hand, assumedly what he had struck Lexa over the head with.  She struggled to focus her vision, which was still swimming, and fought to rise to her feet.  She wobbled unsteadily but she was able to stand.  She had lost her knife when she had been struck from behind.  She immediately lowered her center of gravity and brought her hands up into her combat stance, preparing to engage in hand-to-hand combat with this unknown assailant.  The man smirked cruelly at Lexa.  Lexa could see malice and evil evident in his eyes, even in the darkness.  The expression made her feel more ill at ease then she already was.

      “Oh, don’t worry.  I’m not going to fight you," the man spat at Lexa.  “I have something much more entertaining in mind for the soon to be ex leader of the Grounders.”

      Lexa tensed as he spoke, not knowing how he knew who she was.  Lexa heard rustling behind her, but again, her response was too sluggish, slowed by the additional injuries she had sustained from the sadistic stranger in front of her.  She was grabbed harshly from behind by a pair of arms.  One snaked around her waist and the other around her neck, slowing her air supply.  She could feel the warm sticky breath of whoever was behind her, tickling her neck.  The man was large, likely twice her size, and the arm that encircled her neck was tightly woven with hardened muscle.  His grip on her was iron clad.  Nonetheless, Lexa attempted to free herself by delivering a well aimed elbow to the assailants gut.  The person, now confirmed to be a man, grunted in response but tightened his hold on Lexa’s midsection, crushing her left side and sending waves of pain radiating through her body.  Lexa bit back a moan at the pain, refusing to show weakness to these savages.

      “Fighting really is useless," the man in front of her sneered.  “It will only prolong your suffering.”

      “Make another move like that, and I’ll make sure your ribs are not the only broken part of you when we’re finished,” the man holding her whispered in her ear. 

      As he spoke, the hand encircling her waist drifted down slowly, closer to her lower half.  Lexa stilled at the implications behind his words, a chill running up her spine.  She fought to swallow the bile quickly rising in her throat.  The other man, the one who had initially struck her, watched the exchange with distaste in his eyes.

      “Tyler, enough,” the man called out.  “These people aren’t human, they’re savages.  Filth of the earth.  Good for one purpose, and one purpose only-to kill for us.  Do not forget that and _do not_ dirty yourself with them _._ ”

      “I don’t know, Cage,” the one called Tyler responded from behind her.  “She’s awful pretty for a savage.  I’m sure exceptions could be made…"

      He used his other hand, the one snaked around her neck, to run his hands over her face.  Lexa yanked her face away, disgusted at the man’s touch.  Tyler laughed maliciously into the back of her neck, but ceased his actions, tightening his grip on her throat once more.

      “Don’t worry, you and I will have plenty of time later,” Tyler whispered.

      Lexa briefly closed her eyes, fighting back the urge to vomit once more, this time out of disgust, not pain.  When she opened her eyes again, she watched as the one named Cage walked a couple feet into the brush to his right and retrieved a rectangular metal case.  He knelt on the ground and opened it, it’s contents hidden from Lexa’s view.  She continued to test Tyler, looking for weak spots, attempting to escape.  She threw her head back, in an attempt to break the man’s nose and free herself, but he was ready for her and moved his face.  This earned her another squeeze to her left side, the pain more intense this time then previously.  She heard and felt another rib cracking in response.  Lexa was unable to stop the gasp of pain that escaped her lips this time.  Her vision swam again and she swayed on her feet, fighting to remain conscious.

      “I love it when they fight, I knew you wouldn’t disappoint,” Tyler whispered excitedly into her ear.

      “Don’t pass out on me now," Cage said from the ground.  He stood up and walked over to the Lexa’s right side.

      “Who are you?," Lexa gasped, still struggling for air. “What do you want with me?”

      Cage smirked again and held up a syringe filled with a red liquid for Lexa to look at.  Lexa’s eyes widened in recognition of the red liquid.  She knew exactly what the serum was, thanks to Lincoln.  It was Reaper Serum.  Her struggles became more intense, more panicked, as she looked for any way to break the contact between her and Tyler.  It was to no avail though, he was prepared for every one of her moves.  The blow to his instep only shuffled their position, causing pain to radiate from her torso.  She didn’t care though, if she was unsuccessful, she was as good as dead.  Her captor’s grip tightened around her neck completely, cutting off her air supply entirely.  Lexa clawed at his arm, gasping for breath, and she felt him quietly laugh behind her.  He only continued to tighten his grasp. Cage’s smile widened at her reaction.

      “I’m impressed that you know what this is.  That only makes this better, having you know what fate truly awaits you.”  Cage tapped the syringe, checking for air bubbles.  His eyes hardened and his smile changed from amusement to twisted pain. “I want you to suffer the way that my people just suffered at the hands of your friend,” he said darkly.  “Unfortunately, I can’t kill you.  I need soldiers to protect me out here now that the safety of my home has been…tainted.”

      Lexa saw distaste and hate color the mans face at the last word.  For a brief moment, she again wonder what had occurred in the mountain.  She was quickly brought back to reality as Tyler tightened his grip on her neck yet again, stilling all of her movements and cementing her in place.  Lexa’s vision was beginning to go dark at the edges, but not before she saw Cage approach her, coming within inches of her face. 

      “Don’t worry, the first dose is always the worst," he whispered to her, laughing quietly.

      She made one last, desperate, attempt to break free from her captor, bringing her left arm back and placing a well aimed shot to the man’s groin area.  She heard a satisfying grunt at the impact and felt his grip loosen ever so slightly.  It was all the opportunity she needed.  Reaching up with both hands, she grabbed the arm around her neck, firmly grasping the man’s wrist and thumb in each of her hands.  She twisted as hard as she could, down and away from her neck, her efforts answered by the sounds of snapping ligaments and the crunch of shattered bones beneath her skilled hands.  She continued to pull,  feeling his thumb come out of it’s socket.  Tyler cried out in pain and outrage, further loosening his hold on her.  As she finally broke the hold, she twisted her body, turning into Tyler’s body and facing him.  She gave a solid shove to his chest with both of her hands, sending him off balance and creating space between them. 

      Lexa dropped back into her defensive position, ready to fight both men who now stood in front of her.  She reached behind her, her hand searching for her sword but finding only empty air.  Panic briefly flashed across her face as she remembered the tug on her back earlier.  One of the men must have taken her sword, her only remaining offensive weapon.  She quickly composed herself, adapting to this sudden change.  She quickly tried to think of her best option as she kept a wary eye on both men, waiting for movement from either one.  Cage was now glaring at her, hatred dripping from every ounce of his being and radiating towards where she stood, waiting.  Tyler was attempting to realign his thumb, though through a great deal of pain.  She smirked in satisfaction.  At least if she died here today, she could die knowing she had fought bravely and not gone down easy.  Just as she was considering her next move, Tyler bent down, picking something up from the ground.  In the darkness, Lexa could not see what it was, but froze as she heard the metallic click of a hammer cocking back.

      “I would suggest that if you wish to live, you remain exactly where you are,” the man with the syringe said to her.  “Wouldn’t want to let a decent fighter like yourself go to waste.”

      “I’d rather die then become one of your monsters,” Lexa spat back.  She watched as the man tensed at her words, and she could feel his rage from where she was standing, a few feet away. 

      “They are not monsters, they are soldiers,” he nearly yelled at her. 

      Lexa knew she had struck a nerve.  Cage was now shaking with rage.  She feared what would happen if she continued to goad him on, fearing that he may allow his anger to take over for his mind.  If that happened, he may decide to swiftly end her life rather than make her a Reaper.  His anger could also cut down on the amount of time she had to plan her escape.  Time that she knew she was going to need to free herself of these horrid men, permanently.  She began to take a slow step back, intending to turn and run, when a shot rang out and the projectile skipped across the ground, mere centimeters from where she was standing.  She froze in place once more.  Before she could think to move again, she was pushed with great force from behind, landing on her stomach, and broken ribs.  The breath left her lungs in a rush, leaving her reeling and trying to regain her senses.  As she rolled over, she found a Grounder towering over her.  The female looked down at Lexa with a wild ferocity and thirst in her eyes, at which point Lexa realized the woman was not a Grounder; she was a Reaper. 

      Lexa tried her best to scramble back away from the new threat, her hands and feet failing to find purchase in the dirt behind her.  Lexa was so distracted by the sudden appearance of this woman and her efforts to put distance between them, she had not heard Tyler walk up behind her.  His fist shot out, catching Lexa on the left side of her face, bringing the stars back to her eyes and the taste of blood filling her mouth.  Before she could face either one of them, he was on top of her, straddling her chest with his legs, his knees pinning her hands down.  The Reaper jumped on Lexa’s legs, quickly killing any thoughts of another shot to the man’s groin. 

      “Now this is more like it,” Tyler sneered out, smiling down at her in anticipation.

      Lexa tried to squirm, tried to free herself in some way.  She refused to allow this man to rape her.  That was not how her story was going to end.  Maybe it was pride, but the first Heda to unite all of the Grounders deserved a better ending then what these two men had in store for her.  She quickly found that attempts to squirm out from under Tyler and and the Reaper futile; there were no weak spots to exploit.  Lexa resigned herself to the the understanding that she was trapped, with no way out.  Internally she was terrified, but externally she refused to show these attackers anything other then a calm face.  She knew what she had to do. 

      The pressure of Tyler on her midsection was depressing the breaks already present in her ribs, causing her breathing to become labored.  The pain was becoming unbearable, but Lexa shifted slightly, causing more pain but instantly restricting her breathing further.  Her lungs immediately attempted to compensate for the loss of lung space, to fight the pressure being exerted on her chest cavity.  However, Lexa was determined.  Tyler didn’t know it yet, but he was killing her, and she was going to let him.  The only option she had left now was the escape that death offered.  She refused to allow this man to violate her while she still remained on this earth, and she absolutely refused to become a Reaper.  Death was better then both of those options. 

      She was not afraid to die.  She knew that her people would carry on, now that they had been rescued.  A new Heda would take her place on the throne, hopefully continuing to lead her people into an era of peace.  Lexa had to trust in that, had to trust that things would be ok.  She knew causing her death was selfish in a way.  She felt as though it was the easy way out, that she was even possibly being cowardly, but she could see no other way at this point.  She knew no one was coming to save her.  She was on her own.  She silently cursed herself for staying behind, for creating this situation she was now dealing with.

      For the first time since everything had gone downhill, she allowed her anger and frustration take over.  Emotion in general was weakness, but emotion in battle was fatal.  She had already lost this battle, her fight was over.  She took a moment to acknowledge that fact, to come to accept it before moving on.  She took a second to hate herself completely for leaving Clarke, for choosing her people over her happiness, for having to be Heda when she just wanted to be Lexa.  For all these things she hated herself, but had no regrets.  She would never be sorry for the choices she made in her life.  Her people were better off and she believed that Clarke would eventually be better off as well.  She would only be sorry for the opportunities she had not been afforded.  Opportunities like avenging Costia’s death or getting the chance to fix things with Clarke.  There was no point in dwelling on that now, though.  It was too late to fix things.  

      She felt the black creeping on the edges of her vision and she knew she only had about a minute left until she slipped into death’s welcoming arms.  She swallowed as Cage walked over to her slowly, enjoying her fruitless squirming.  The look upon his face spoke volumes- he knew he had won.  She hated the satisfaction she saw in his eyes, hating that she was beaten.  She mustered one last bit of strength, all the anger she had in her used to pick her head off the ground and spit blood into his face.  Cage reeled back momentarily, disgusted, but wiped his face on his sleeve as he bent back down.  This time, he grabbed a fistful of Lexa’s hair, harshly pulling it to the side to better expose her neck.

      “Soon, you’ll wish you had not fought so hard,” he said.  “Now, take your medicine like a good little soldier,” he chided.

      She barely felt the prick of the needle in her neck as she wandered closer to the consuming black of unconsciousness.  She heard the quiet depression of the syringe but was only vaguely aware of the liquid entering her system.  She was grateful though, she would be better off if she died before the serum could take effect.  She quietly thanked the gods for sparing her that torture.  The throbbing in her side and head was fading as the dark took over completely.  She shut her eyes and laid on the ground, unafraid of death.  She understood it to be a natural part of life and accepted that this was now her fate.  There was no regret, no sorrow, only the natural order of life being followed.  She filled her mind of thoughts of Costia, hoping that they would be reunited in death.  As she expelled her final, rattling breath, her last thoughts were of Clarke.  The girl who had stolen her heart, who still owned it.  The ghost of a smile painted her lips as the image of the Sky Girl warmed her thoughts and the last parts of her spirit left her body.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay guys, the week got away from me. I have the next few chapters in my head, just haven't had time to sit down and get them out on paper. Hopefully soon!
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> *Update* I see there is a little bit of confusion around the end, that was a dream, not reality! Sorry if it is misleading!

Clarke had quickly lost count of how many days she had been walking since she had decided to leave Camp Jaha.  The days blurred together in one large, raw, monotonous pattern.  Walk, find some kind of food, sleep (fraught with nightmares), repeat.  This continued for days on end, until Clarke started seeing changes in the scenery, bit by bit.  The land started to have an incline and steadily became more mountainous, the air noticeably thinning the further she walked.  The deciduous portion of the forest began to turn to evergreen, with more pine trees popping up and a permanent chill settling in the air.  Clarke had a general idea of where she was going, her focus on finding the Ice Nation.  They had only ever been mentioned once to her, in an emotionally charged story from Lexa, but Clarke knew enough to assume from their name that they would reside in the northern part of the lands.  So that is what she had been doing, heading north, with no true plan in mind, only with the intent of getting away.

      Some small part of her acknowledged that all she was really doing was running from her problems.  That they would not simply go away just because she wished them to.  The nightmares that she had every night attested to that fact.  A larger part of her didn’t care though, she was not ready to deal with everything that had happened in the last few months.  Killing the Grounders at the drop ship, Finn dying at her hands, the choices she had made in the Mountain, they were all too fresh and painful to deal with.  Most of all, she prayed to forget about everything that had happened between her and the Commander of the Grounders.  Being betrayed by Lexa had been the emotional end of Clarke; running away was the only way Clarke had been able to still breathe, to survive. 

      In her head, Clarke knew that Lexa had made the same choice that Clarke would have made, that Clarke _did_ make, in order to save her people.  Mentally, Clarke could not fault her for her choices, or blame her.  Emotionally, well, that was a whole other mess that Clarke did not even want to think about.  While she had not been as emotionally closed off and guarded as Lexa, she had still been cautious to open her heart to the brunette.  Especially so soon after she had killed Finn, which had still been fresh in the forefront of her mind.  However, in the short time that she and the Commander had been known each other, she had found herself intrigued by the woman.  Lexa was unlike anyone Clarke had ever known.  So truly devoted to her people that she continually sacrificed her own happiness to put their needs first.  Clarke was devoted to her people as well, but she knew it was not to the extent that Lexa had proven to be.  Leaving Camp Jaha had proven that.

      Clarke thought she and Lexa had become fairly familiar with each other over the twelve days that they had known each other.  They had been through some truly trying times that had bonded them more quickly than normal.  Nearly being killed by a giant gorilla stood out most significantly in Clarke’s mind.  She smiled slightly at the memory, remembering Lexa standing in a defensive position, her sword drawn and prepared to fight.  In the moment, Clarke had fought back the urge to giggle at the girl, the idea of one blade against a 2,000 pound gorilla was just absurd.  In the end, that sword had ended up saving their lives.  The most significant part of that experience had been Lexa deciding to trust Clarke enough to show her the briefest moments of weakness and pain when she’d dislocated her shoulder.  Then, even more so, when Lexa had allowed Clarke to treat her shoulder.  That trust spoke volumes to Clarke, even if Lexa had not realized what she had done.

      Still, it only served to further frustrate Clarke, because Lexa’s actions at the Mountain completely contradicted everything Lexa had said to her up to that point.  When it just been them in the Commander’s tent, Lexa had admitted that she more than just trusted Clarke, she genuinely cared about the blonde.  The brunette’s words played through Clarke’s mind, _not everyone…Not you._ So, what?  Lexa wouldn’t let Clarke burn, but she was more than willing to leave her on a mountain with no hope, no promise of saving her people?  It just didn’t make sense to Clarke, and that more then anything, angered her.  She had thought that she and Lexa understood each other on a level that was all their own, but that night and Lexa’s decision was a total mystery to Clarke.  Lexa was more emotionally distant and guarded than anyone Clarke had ever known, and yet she had chosen to open her heart to Clarke, to trust Clarke not to break her.  Clarke had understood the extreme significance of that and even though she had not been ready in the tent after they had shared a kiss, she had been looking forward to the opportunity to be ready.  Even though she had not given Lexa a concrete “yes” when asked to join her in Polis, Clarke had known immediately that she would follow the Grounder Commander anywhere.

      The feeling had been fleeting though, when Lexa, bloodied from battle, returned to tell Clarke of her betrayal.  Initially, Clarke had been confused, not fully understanding what Lexa was saying to her until the first of the captive Grounders began to step out from inside the Mountain’s confines.  Reality had set in and Clarke had nearly become hysterical at the panic that immediately took over when she realized Lexa had sacrificed the Sky People for her own.  Clarke had not even had time to be angry with Lexa, the world ripped out from underneath her feet in one swift and devastating blow.  Clarke had stood there, mouth hanging open in shock and pain, trying to comprehend what she was seeing before her, unable to fight, unable to reason with the Commander.  The decision had been made, the fate of both their people sealed, any potential for a relationship between Lexa and Clarke shattered into a thousand pieces, much like Clarke’s heart.  

      So Clarke had done the only thing she could think of once her people had been rescued- leave Camp Jaha.  It was her only option, her only escape.  Sitting around Camp, trying to pretend that everything was ok, that she had not just massacred hundreds of innocent people in their own home, would have eventually driven her mad.  Sure, Bellamy had tried to shoulder some of the burden for her and she appreciated his gesture, but she knew what had happened rested solely on her shoulders.  It had been _her_ decision to kill Dante in cold blood to prove a point.  _She_ had chosen to pull that lever, irradiating the whole mountain, and saving her people at the expense of hundreds of others.  She could hold no one else accountable for her actions, she refused to.  Eventually she knew she would have to deal with what had transpired in the Mountain, but right now, she just needed time to process, away from all of the accusatory glances and hushed whispers.

      Over the past few days in the woods alone, the pressure had eased from her body, as though the weight of the world no longer rested on her shoulders.  Though a steady weight remained, something that Clarke never fully expected to disappear, it was nice not to have people depending on her for every life decision.  No one was looking to her to make the hard decisions and criticizing her when it wasn’t done the way they would have preferred, even when they had been unable to step up and do it themselves.  Clarke had not wanted to be a leader, she had never asked for the responsibilities that came with it, and yet, she found herself continuously thrust into the position.  Eventually she had just come to accept that it was meant to be and everything happened for a reason.  Lexa’s words, spoken during another long night of planning and worrying about Bellamy, floated through her head, _you were born for this, Clarke, same as me._   Clarke let out a humorless laugh at the thought.  _What a joke_ , she mused.

      She turned her face to the sky and yelled, “Look where I am now! Look what all of this has gotten me! Look at what I’ve become!” Clarke balled her fists up and stared back at the ground, whispering quietly to herself, “All for what? What was the point?”

      Her voice echoed through the trees, heard only by the hidden wildlife within the never ending forest.  She stood there for a minute, as if expecting someone or something to answer back.  Nothing came.  She continued moving forward, always moving forward, never looking behind.  She was no leader, she was a coward that used murder to solve her problems.  She was no better than Finn had been in the end, covered in the blood of innocents, murdered over selfish reasons.  She no longer recognized the person, no, the _monster_ that she had become. 

      She was hoping that the Ice Nation would give her one of two things, a new beginning or a swift death.  At this point, she had no preference either way.  She knew that should the Ice Queen offer her refuge, she may be able to find herself again.  No one knew her in their clan, no one knew what she had done in her past.  For that reason, she did look forward to being able to start anew, to truly reinvent herself.  It was like she had landed on the ground all over again and the possibilities were limitless.  If she was being honest with herself, she wanted the chance to forget the old “Clarke”, to forget everything that “Clarke” had done.  She wanted to forget everyone she had known. Maybe one day she would return to her people, but at this point, that was the farthest thing from her mind.  She could not even face herself and what she had done, let alone the people that she had done it for.

      As Clarke carried on, the daylight grew shorter and the air was becoming increasingly colder.  Even though it was generally sunny, it didn’t warm the way it had in the past, as though something were preventing it’s rays from reaching the Earth.  It reminded her of when she was back on the Ark, everything had always been so cold in space.  That had been especially true once she had been imprisoned.  She may have been Abby Griffin’s daughter, but that meant nothing in prison.  She shivered as a particularly cold gust of wind picked up and cut through her jacket, reaching almost to her bones.  She was going to need to find shelter from the wind for the night, she was at a point where sleeping outside was no longer an option.  When she had first left Camp, it had been difficult.  She had never had to depend solely on herself to survive.  She’d lost quite a bit of weight in the first few days, until she’d gotten the hang of hunting and setting traps to ensnare her food.  Still, even though she was not starving anymore, her clothes hung loosely from her body.  Things had become bearable once she’d been able to supply herself with food again, but they were far from easy. 

      She didn’t mind though, she wasn’t looking for easy.  She knew that she didn’t deserve easy.  She had found and fought all manner of creatures out in these woods during her journey.  Some had been close calls, and she had picked up quite a few more scars to add to her growing collection.  Each new wound just catalogued another obstacle overcome.  She didn’t care though, she sought out the danger now, looking for the fights and the close calls, risking her life with reckless abandon.  She often times wondered what it was she was looking for in those fights, what she was hoping to accomplish or prove.  Considering she was still actively seeking out fights, she knew she hadn’t figured it out yet.  Clarke knew that eventually her actions would catch up with her, likely in a big way, yet she still couldn’t bring herself to care or to consider stopping.  She was completely alone out here, no one to care what she was doing or how she was doing it.  She was allowed herself to get lost in the reckless behavior, allowing each fight to bring her right to death’s door step before she would choose to end it.  If she was being honest with herself, she liked walking the line between life and death, she enjoyed the thrill of adrenaline each new challenge gave her.  She liked the illusion of control she had fabricated in each fight, determining when it would end and how close she would allow her prey to come to her.   

      Though she didn’t fancy herself a proficient fighter, the pistol and knife she had carried with her into the woods had served her well.  She had preserved the pistol ammunition, as it was a limited supply, using it in only the most dire of situations-which had been rare.  She had become quite skilled with the knife, now able to make her kills quick and painless, something she hadn’t been able to do for the people in the mountain.  Everything was done without emotion, just a natural cycle of life taking it’s course, like a business.  Clarke had found this was the best way to continue on after she had spent three hours crying after killing her first rabbit.  She knew she would never make it if she broke down over every little animal.  So, she had found that Lexa had been correct, feelings were a weakness and they would get her killed in the unforgiving forest.  So she had closed off her emotional side, realizing it had no place in matters of her survival and would only wind up hurting her in the long run.

      After numerous failed attempts and hack jobs, she had been able to teach herself how to properly skin the animals she killed, preserving the majority of meat on the animal for consumption instead of hacking it off with the skin.  The monotony of skinning the hide from her kills soothed her, brought her peace after the adrenaline fueled hunt and kill.  She enjoyed those peaceful moments almost as much as the fight.  Almost.  She kept a limited supply of cooked meat with her, never allowing it to sit longer then two hours in her makeshift animal hide pack, knowing that it would only rot if kept longer than that.  She generally picked berries along her walks, stock piling them in the even that she didn’t catch any game that day, though she had been fairly successful in that area, surprising even herself.  As she had progressed farther north, though, both the animals and the berries were becoming more scarce, beginning to worry her.

      Clarke pulled her jacket around her tighter as the breeze picked up again, her eyes searching the forest for anything that would be able to offer her some kind of shelter from the wind so that she could build a fire.  She knew that with the temperature dropping during the day, the night was bound to be unbearable outside; shelter was a must.  Especially because the one area she had not quite excelled in was building fires.  She could arrange the kindling, setting everything up the way she had observed numerous Grounders do while working alongside them.  It was the whole concept of “friction creates flame” that she struggled with.  Creating enough friction to bring heat took an unmeasurable amount of patience, patience that she did not necessarily have.  Tonight she would have no choice, though.  She could already feel the perceptible difference in the temperature as she quickened her pace, worried about finding a place to hunker down for the night. 

      Clarke walked for what she gauged to be another hour, the sun sinking quickly behind the growing mountains and causing the temperature to decrease significantly.  Her light was fading quickly, as well as her hope for shelter.  She paused to briefly catch her breath, the hill had become quite steep and she was climbing more then walking at this point.  As she watched her breath coming out in little puffs, she watched as several pine needles fluttered down around her.  She barely had time to register that it was a strange sight to behold before she was struck from above by a solid, but warm, weight.  Clarke’s breath left her body as she cried out and fell backward, beginning to roll down the hill she had just climbed.  As she came to a stop and tried to get her bearings, she felt a stinging in her left arm, and felt something warm and sticky running down her arm.  Before she could find the cause, her eyes focused on what had struck her.  About thirty feet in front of her, a mountain lion was crouched low to the ground, tail swishing slowly back and forth, eyes locked on Clarke. 

      The sunlight was quickly fading, but enough remained that Clarke could see the creature’s teeth glinting in the last rays.  Clarke slowly began to move, not wanting to set the large cat off and have it attack her before she was prepared.  She felt the familiar flow of adrenaline shoot through her system, exciting her.  Her breaths started to come faster, her fingers tingling in anticipation.  She pushed herself slowly up onto all fours, still staying low to the ground.  As she put weight on her left arm, she felt a sharp pain rip up from her bicep but didn’t waste time trying to figure out what the cause was.  She could still move it, that was all that mattered at this point.  Everything else she could deal with after she fought the mountain lion off. 

      Hunter and hunted regarded each other, their eyes unwavering, as if waiting to see which term would apply to them and wondering who would be leaving alive.  Clarke had never seen an actual mountain lion up close, her only knowledge coming from the animal studies she’d had in the Ark.  She studied it, more out of wonder then fear, regarding it with respect and admiration.  It was bigger then she had imagined, easily as large as her.  It was heavier as well, a fact that Clarke could now feel growing in her shoulders and back where the brunt of it had landed on her.  She could see it’s muscles rippling beneath the fur as it shifted it’s weight, presumedly getting in a better position to attack.  A small, distant voice in the back of her head screamed that she should be afraid, that she needed to run; she pushed it aside, mentally shushing it.  She pushed herself carefully to her knees, taking on a kneeling position in front of the still focused lion.  Clarke slowly began to reach her left hand back, towards her boot where she kept her knife.  As her fingers grasped the hilt, the lion, as if sensing the danger, chose that moment to pounce. 

      It streaked towards Clarke, merely more than a tan and white blur, it’s teeth the only clearly visible portion of it.  Clarke had only enough time to bring the knife up to chest level before the beast was on her again, the weight of it toppling her onto her back, the lion coming down on top of her.  She felt it’s paws on either side of her head as she simultaneously she felt her knife sink into it’s chest, up to the hilt, and felt the warm blood flowing over her hands.  However, all of these actions were a moment too late.  She had not been quick enough, her aim slightly off center from it’s heart, causing a slow and painful death for the creature.  Clarke struggled to roll it’s weight off of her, just as it sank it’s teeth into her right shoulder in one last attempt at attack, fighting even as death took over.  Clarke bit back a yell as the teeth released and the lion fell limp on top of her, it’s blood running freely over her neck and chest, commingling with her blood as it met her shoulder.  She was able to scoot out from under the beast, pushing it to the ground. dead, the knife sticking out of it’s chest. 

      She stood, cradling her injured right arm, blood running freely from her shoulder.  She knew the pain would be worse later, the adrenaline was still coursing through her system, dulling her senses.  She looked down, regarding the now still creature.  Her knife was still sunk into it’s chest, slightly off center.  A flash of sorrow and regret flashed through her body as she silently apologized to the creature for missing the straight kill shot she had become so proficient with.  As quickly as it rose though, she pushed it back down, kneeling in front of the creature.

      “Yu gonplei ste odon,” she murmured as she pulled her knife out and wiped it on her pants.

      Clarke stood back up, debating what to do.  The sun had completely set, the dark taking over quickly.  Clarke knew she would not be able to carry the lion far, especially now that her shoulder would need tending to.  On the other hand, she also needed to find shelter, noticing for the first time that the wind had picked up in earnest.  As the adrenaline wore off, she could feel it cutting through her clothing again.  She decided to find shelter first, knowing that if she couldn’t get warm, there was no point in preparing the meat from the lion.  As she began to look around for a cave of some sort, she collected kindling along the way, just enough to start a small fire for warmth and light. 

      After about half an hour, working in an outward circular pattern from the lion, she was ready to give in and admit defeat when her eyes fell on a small break in the facade of the mountain.  She quickly moved to the opening, investigating further.  She found it wasn’t deep, not a true cave, but it would be enough to keep her sheltered from the wind for the night.  The opening was about five feet high, and about ten feet deep, enough to house her, a small fire, and the lion carcass.  She dropped the kindling she had collected, and turned to go back to the lion.  The cut in the rock wasn’t too far from where she had felled the lion, and imagined that with a little work, she would be able to drag the lion in.  She was quickly proved wrong when she went to pull the lion by the paws, her right shoulder screaming in protest.  She sank down to her knees, again cradling her arm against her chest.  She was going to need to deal with her wounds sooner rather than later, but she wanted to take care of the lion first before another predator caught the scent or the meat putrefied. 

      She thought for a moment, then settled on a new plan.  She returned to the cave, setting up her kindling and settling down to start a fire, praying for patience that never came.  For once, it came with ease, the small embers catching on the dry wood and pine quickly, flourishing into an actual flame with more ease then any other time.  She turned her face upward, quietly thanking the universe for giving her this one small blessing.  As soon as she was sure the fire wouldn’t die out, she quickly returned to where the lion still lay.  Drawing her knife out, she slit the lion in one cut from it’s throat, down through it’s stomach, all the way to it’s hindquarters.  She pulled each flap of skin back, exposing the organs inside.  She quickly pulled the organs from inside the cavity, moving them aside, and got to work skinning the animal.

      Clarke made quick work of the skin, cutting it easily from the meat of the animal, pulling it off in one large piece.  She set it aside, mentally making a note to preserve it and turn it into a much needed blanket.  She began trimming the meat off the bones, making quick work of it as well.  She placed each cut on the skin, using it as a carrier to drag the meat back to her makeshift cave.   Once she had pulled as much meat off the bones as she could, she started the arduous task of dragging all the meat back to the cave.  Even cut down to pieces, the load was still heavy, causing her to stop several times to catch her breath and reposition her arm.  Her shoulder, which had stopped bleeding while she had been sectioning up the meat, had started freely bleeding again as she struggled to drag the food back to her camp.  The blood was running down her arm and onto her hand, making her loose her grip several times on the skin.  After a forty five minute struggle, Clarke finally pulled the food into the shelter of the cave.

      She quickly set up some food over the fire, starving from her efforts to drag the animal back and her earlier fight.  As the meat cooked, she turned her attention to her shoulder, peeling off her jacket and shirt.  She had wounds on both the front and back of her shoulder, neither one too deep.  Clarke pulled out her water jug, which she had fashioned out of animal skin during the first few days, and poured water over the wound rinsing it out.  If she didn’t thoroughly clean it, she would end up with an infection.  Knowing she couldn’t afford that, she pulled out her knife and placed the end into the fire, heating it up.  After about ten minutes, and after ensuring all dirt and debris was out of the wound, she pulled her knife from the fire, it’s blade glowing orange from the heat.  She balled up part of her shirt and stuffed it in her mouth, preparing for the pain she was about to inflict upon herself. 

      Taking a deep breath in, she didn’t hesitate as she applied the blade to the wound pattern on the back of her shoulder first, searing the skin and cauterizing the wound.  She screamed into her shirt, the pain nearly unbearable, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.  She left the shirt in her mouth as she put the knife back in the fire.  She reached back, making sure she’d closed the entire wound.  When she was satisfied, she pulled the knife back out of the fire and went through the same process for the bite mark on the front of her shoulder, again releasing a muffled scream into her shirt.  Satisfied the wound was also closed, she threw her knife to the ground and pulled the shirt from her mouth, gulping air down.  She stayed that way, hands braced on her knees trying to pull in air, for ten minutes, just trying to stay conscious and push down the pain.  As she was finally able to bring herself under control, she realized there was a dull but constant throbbing ache in her left bicep.  She steeled herself against the thought that it would be another wound require cauterization as she pulled down that sleeve.

      She sighed in relief as she looked at the wound.  Though it was deep, it was not deep enough that it would require her to burn the flesh closed.  She splashed water on it, her breath hissing out as the water hit it, causing it to sting.  As the dried blood washed away, she could see four parallel, clustered, lines running the width of her bicep.  _Must have been the claws_ , she thought, ripping a piece of her shirt off and securing it around the wound.  It was the best she had to keep the wound dry and clean.  She knew just by looking at the wound that it was going to scar; again, she didn’t care.  She pulled her jacket back on and pulled the meat, which was now fully cooked, off the fire and quickly ate it, placing more over the fire.  She had meat for days and knew she was going to end up wasting most of it.  There was nothing she could do though, she didn’t have salt to keep it preserved.  She sectioned out what she thought she could eat and moved the rest aside, clearing the skin.  She turned her attention to it, working it into a blanket, looking forward to the warmth it would provide her tonight.  

      Once she had finished with that, she ate the second round of meat, quickly becoming full but forcing herself to eat it, never knowing when her next meal would come.  After she was finished, and quite full, she settled back against the wall of the makeshift cave, settling in for the night.  She had just placed a few more sticks on the fire to keep it burning low for the remainder of the night, continuing to throw heat on her.  She pulled her blanket over her, grateful that the lion had been so large.  The blanket fully covered her entire body if she curled up.  She closed her eyes and let sleep take over, the high from the adrenaline fully worn off and the exhaustion in her bones making itself apparent.  Sleep came to her quickly.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

_Clarke wandered the steel and stone halls of the Mountain, not sure what she was looking for.  It was eerily quiet, as if she were the only person around, though she knew it that was impossible.  As she turned a corner, she saw Lexa standing at the end of the hall, staring at her.  Her war paint was on, along with her armor._

_“Lexa, what are you doing in here,” the blonde inquired, confused.  “If they catch you, they’ll throw you in a cell…or worse.”  Clarke shuddered at the thought of what “worse” could mean.  Taking note of the warrior's appearance, Clarke asked, "Why are you prepared for battle?  What is going on?"_

_Lexa made no move to respond.  She simply continued to stand and stare as the blonde approached her.  As Clarke drew nearer, she noticed red rimming Lexa’s eyes, as if she hadn’t slept in days.  Something in Clarke’s brain pulled at her, telling her there was something familiar about that look, but she couldn’t place it._

_“Hey, are you ok?”_

_No response._

_Clarke reached out and touched Lexa’s shoulder, trying to figure out what was wrong with the brunette._

_“Lexa?"_

_Immediately the girl whipped up her hand, grabbing Clarke’s and pulling it away, twisting it back on itself as she did so, causing Clarke to cry out in pain._

_“Lexa what the hell!”_

_Clarke pulled back her hand as Lexa barred her teeth and growled, literally growled, at Clarke.  That’s when it clicked. Clarke knew where she had seen that red eyed look before.  She backed up as the realization hit her full force._

_Reaper. Lexa was a reaper. The girl that Clarke had-_ No _, Clarke thought, shutting down the panicked line of thought. She needed to get away, this girl before her was no longer Lexa.  Clarke needed to run.  If she could create enough space between them, maybe she could figure out what the_ hell _had happened.  Clarke ran, as fast as her feet would carry her, but it never seemed to be fast enough, Lexa always just around the corner from her.  Clarke paid no mind to where she was going, her only intent to get away from the Reaper that taken her friend’s body._

_She burst through a set of double doors, into the dining room of the Mountain, and stopped dead in her tracks.  All around her were bodies, flesh burned from their bones.  Men, women, children-all dead.  Clarke looked down at her hands and found a mechanical lever in her hand.  She looked back up, watching as one of the corpses began moving and stood to face her.  She recognized the hair as Maya, though the girl’s face was completely gone, burned away by the radiation had so willingly released on these people.  As Maya advanced toward her, Clarke tried to back out of the room and run, but was grabbed from behind, recognizing Lexa’s arms as they snaked around her, securing her in place._

_For a fleeting moment, Clarke thought about the fact that she was now fully pressed up against Lexa’s body, unable to move.  She had a moment to regret that it was happening under such circumstances before her attention was pulled back to the reanimated corpse in front of her.  Maya pointed at her, mouthing words that Clarke could not hear or understand.  Clarke didn’t know what was going on.  How was Lexa a reaper and how was a dead girl trying to talk to her?  None of it made sense.  Clarke struggled against Lexa as Maya drew closer, still mouthing words.  Just as Clarke thought she could bear no more, Lexa spoke, freezing her in place._

_“Look, Klark kom Skaikru.  Look at the devastation your hands have wrought.”_

_“I had no choice,” Clarke replied, fighting tears._

_Lexa turned her to face a child with a soccer ball still by his feet. “Explain that to him, or to his sister, or his parents.  All of them were innocent in this, Clarke, yet you killed all of them in cold blood.  You had a choice, you just chose to kill innocents, and now you face the consequences of that decision.”_

_“I had no choice!”  The tears were streaming down Clarke’s face freely as the full weight of what she had done settled on her shoulders.  Maya was standing right in front of her now, her burnt arms outstretched.  Her hand’s encircled Clarke’s throat, the grip instantly tightening to cut off all Clarke’s breathing._

_Clarke clawed at the hands, failing to move them. As her world went black, all she could hear was Lexa whispering in her ear, repeating the same thing over and over._

_“You are a monster, Clarke.  A monster.”_

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

        Clarke woke with a start, breathing heavy and covered in sweat.  She threw her blanket aside and crawled from the cut, trying to find space to breathe.  She fell to the ground on her knees and threw up, all the meat she had eaten the night before making a reappearance.  She heaved until there was nothing left, until there was a dull ache in her stomach and a burning in her throat from the bile.  She wiped her mouth off and stood, turning to go back into her cave, intent on packing to move along for the day.  She tried to control the shaking her body had been involuntarily doing since she had woken up.  As she fully turned, she was met by a sword in her face, and very scary looking man who’s face was covered in white war paint.  Clarke swallowed heavily, schooling her face to reveal no emotion.  Based on the man’s appearance, Clarke knew one thing for certain.

 

      The Ice Nation had found her.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter bounces between Clarke and Lexa's POV. It was the best way I could think to keep both of their stories on track with each other. This chapter also ran away from me, but I'm fine with it, love the way it turned out. Don't worry, their meeting is forthcoming! Just stick with me here, I know it's a very slow burn, but it will be worth it, promise.
> 
> This chapter gets a little graphic. You've been warned.

      The first thing that Lexa became aware of was a sensation of floating, as if her entire body was weightless.  In fact, she felt as though her physical bonds to the earth were gone, as though her body no longer existed in time and space and it was just her spirit and consciousness left behind.  It was unlike anything she had ever experience before.  She was content, aimlessly drifting along in a black abyss.  Some small voice in the back of her mind told her she should probably be concerned by the feeling, but she could not convince herself to care.  She allowed herself to be consumed by the darkness, the pressures of life lifted from her shoulders in death in a way she had never been afforded in life.  She was finally pain free, not only physically, but emotionally as well, the only thought in her clouded mind that of peace.  Though short, her life had been fraught with pain since the day her parents had been taken from her, then Costia, and finally Clarke.  Lexa welcomed the reprieve, enjoying the opportunity to let go and just _be_.

      She didn’t know how long she stayed in that state of being, just floating along.  Time had no meaning where she was any longer.  Lexa had never been one to give up without a fight, but this was one time she felt she didn’t need to fight.  She enjoyed this much more then the harshness of life.  For once, she allowed herself to be selfish and lose herself in the feeling.  With each passing moment, she felt her spirit growing weaker, as if it were slipping away from her in bits and pieces on it’s final journey to find the next Commander.  A small part of her was glad her fight was finally over, she did not want a life that did not include Clarke, and she had ensured her future was Clarke-free with the betrayal at the mountain.  

      Leaving Clarke on that mountain had been Lexa’s biggest regret, second only to her inability to save Costia.  Though she had loved Costia with everything in her, it was a different love then she’d had for Clarke.  Clarke had found a place in Lexa’s heart that even Lexa wasn’t aware of until it had been awakened by the blonde.  Lexa had not known it at the time, but Clarke had claimed a piece of Lexa’s heart from the moment Lexa had lain eyes upon the blonde for the first time.  Lexa had tried to fight it, had tried to protect herself, had tried to protect Clarke from her.  She had failed miserably and accepted that a life without Clarke was her punishment.  She had not deserved the easy death she had happened upon.

      As thoughts of Clarke floated through Lexa’s clouded mind, she was vaguely aware of a tingling sensation where her fingers and toes would have been, had she still been in her body.  Confusion colored her thoughts, pushing the blonde from her mind.  She saddened as the images vanished, simply trying to hold onto the one good thing she’d had at the end of her life.  Her mind reached out, trying to bring them back, but it was of no use.  They were gone and the tingling was becoming more persistent, growing stronger with each beat of her heart.  _Heart?_ , she thought, her confusion growing.  _How can a disembodied spirit have a heart?_ She tried to clear her mind, to think more clearly.  It was difficult, as though something were blocking her and preventing her from being fully aware.  It was as though walls were in place in her mind, keeping her wrapped in what she now believed to be a false sense of security.  She pushed against the walls, mentally exhausting herself, but beginning to see them crack, to give under her persistence.

       The tingling was moving up her arms and legs, moving in towards her chest, growing in intensity with each inch it gained.  Lexa still didn’t know what was going on, but had enough sense to suspect that if the sensation reached her heart, she would be in trouble.  She still didn’t understand how this was happening in death.  Unless…unless she was not dead.  The thought stilled her efforts, the single thought left hanging in her still addled mind, screaming at her.  She wasn’t dead.  She had failed.  The thought was cemented in her mind as the tingling entered her chest and grew in intensity again, nearly doubling.  She had enough time to be briefly overcome with panic before the tingling enveloped her heart.  It moved slowly, it’s fingers wrapping gently for a moment, then squeezing, as if trying to remove the life from the organ.  With each beat of her heart, the pain grew, transforming from a mere tingling into a painful throbbing.  This lasted for a few heartbeats and then it also dissipated.  Lexa breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing.  It was over.  Perhaps she was wrong, perhaps it had just been some strange final surge from her body, still trying to fight death even though that fight had already been lost.

      She was only comforted for a moment though, as a burning in her chest took it’s place.  It started in her heart and spread outwards, her breaths coming in gasps as it burned through her lungs.  It came in waves, each worse than the last as it spread from her chest to the ends of her fingers and toes.  She felt as if she were burning from the inside out, knowing that even her soul was on fire at this point.  The darkness that had been previously black changed to red, screaming across the backs of her eyelids.  As she struggled for air, her mind finally cleared and she felt like she was again grounded in reality, as though her spirit had returned to her body.  Her eyes snapped open and she let out a howl of pain, trying to dispel the fire inside her.  She thrashed around, trying to push the fire away from her, trying to rid herself of the pain that was still tearing through her body.  Though her eyes were open, they saw nothing but the red that over ran them.  Tears streamed down her cheeks, rolling back into her hair.  Her heart pounded in her chest, as if it were also trying to work it’s way out of her body and away from the pain.  Each beat sent a new wave of pain reverberating through her.

      The burning continued and was joined by sharp stabbing pains that echoed through her muscles and into her bones.  It felt like every bone in her body was breaking all at once.  She screamed and screamed and screamed, until there was no breath left in her body and her throat was left raw and exhausted.  Her mouth remained open in a silent scream for mercy.  She had never felt pain of this magnitude.  The only coherent thought she could form was to beg for death, to beg for the pain to end.  She had no idea how long she thrashed around on the ground, sweat covering her body but doing nothing to put the fire inside out.  Her nails dug into the surface beneath her, searching for a handhold to anchor herself to but finding nothing.  Her body finally gave out, seizing out of her control, though she was conscious of each convulsion and helpless to stop them.  After hundreds of convulsions that slammed her body into the ground and threw her head from side to side, her body froze.  It went rigid, her back arching off the ground, hands and toes curling, straining against the pain.  Every nerve ending was on fire at the same time, pain radiating through her body in waves.

      Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the pain began to ease slowly, her body collapsing back on the ground.  She gasped for breath, trying and failing to regain her composure.  She rolled on her side, drawing her knees into her body and wrapping her arms around them, as if trying to ward off any more pain.  The sweat continued to pour off of her, soaking through all her layers and seeping into the ground beneath her.  She was vaguely aware of the taste of blood in her mouth and a different, lesser, pain in her tongue.  She must have bit it during all her thrashing, but that was the least of her problems.  As she finally felt her heart slowing down and her breathing beginning to even out, she began to relax once again.

      Before she could fully recover though, her hands and feet were grabbed harshly and pulled away from her body.  She was vaguely aware of the burn of ropes against her skin as each limb was secured away from her, leaving her on the ground spread eagle.  Exhaustion coursed through her body, and she had to fight to open her eyes and clear her mind again.  As she looked up, she was met by the faces of Cage and the Reaper that had tackled her in the woods.  The Reaper was busy making sure the bindings around Lexa’s feet were more secure and didn’t look up at Lexa’s stirring.  Lexa used what little strength she had left to pull against the bonds, quickly realizing it was no use.  Cage watched her, studying her.  Lexa glanced up, seeing her hands were secured to old trees, solid and unforgiving.  She wouldn’t be pulling loose, even at full strength.  

      “I told you fighting was useless,” Cage sneered at her.  Lexa stayed silent, her throat still raw.  “What did you think of your first dose of Red?  Seemed like it gave you a rough ride, but I certainly did enjoy watching you thrash around on the ground.  You’re not so strong now, are you?”

      Lexa watched as he fiddled with some type of machine on the ground.  Lexa pulled against her restraints once more and was met by a swift kick to her side, the already broken ribs screaming in protest.  The Reaper grunted at her and shuffled away.  Lexa fought back the tears that had sprung up into her eyes at the kick, refusing to give either of them the satisfaction of seeing her in anymore pain.

      “Stop pulling.  There really is no way around this.”  Cage walked over to where Lexa was splayed out, setting down multiple syringes filled with the red liquid.  “Soon, you’ll be doing whatever I ask of you, your will broken by this handy serum.”  He patted the syringes lovingly.

      “I will never do what you want,” Lexa rasped out, her voice broken from screaming.

      Cage chuckled, “Oh, I beg to differ.  I have methods to ensure that you are a good little soldier.”

      Cage bent down, picked up one of the syringes, tapped it a couple times and bent down towards her.  She recoiled as he drew near, trying to distance herself even though she knew it was useless.  The needle broke her skin and she cringed as she felt the liquid dump into her bloodstream.  She held her breath and waited for the liquid to ravage her with pain as it had the last time.  She didn’t know if she’d survive another round like the last.  

      “Don’t worry, it only gets better from here,” Cage said, detecting the apprehension in her eyes.  

      He walked back over to the device he had been playing with earlier and dragged it over to her.  Lexa tensed as she began to feel a subtle warmth start to grow from the spot where the syringe had broken her skin.  This was different though, it was a pleasant feeling.  It moved to her chest, where it stayed, spreading to her hands and feet.  She closed her eyes and swallowed as an overwhelming sensation of euphoria racked her body.  She pulled at her bindings, trying to curl in on herself.  She shifted left and right, moving with the waves of pleasure, reveling in the feeling.  She watched through hooded eyes as Tyler walked into her peripheral vision.  Her mind was becoming fuzzy again, her vision blurring.  She watched as he dropped a large pile of sticks on the ground, and also walked over to her, kneeling down on her left side.  

      “I see our little princess has woken up.”  He grinned at her, his eyes traveling the length of her body.  “I’m sorry I missed the first reaction, unfortunately.  That’s my favorite part, watching you people thrash around in pain.”

      Lexa hardened her eyes, refusing to be intimidated by him, but another wave overtook her, causing her to involuntarily arch up off the ground.  Inadvertently she let out a moan, unable to bite it back.  Tyler grinned again and leaned over her chest.  He reached down and ripped her shirt off, Lexa realizing for the first time since waking up that her armor was gone.  The cool evening air poured over her skin, only the bindings over her breasts left to cover her.  She shivered, the cool air magnified by the sweat that was still pouring from her body.  A hungry look shone in Tyler’s eyes as his hands trailed down her sides.  She pulled away, trying to get his hands and gaze off of her now exposed skin.  He pulled apart her shirt, balling up some of the fabric.  Grabbing her chin roughly, he forced her mouth open and shoved the fabric into it.  He then pulled another strip off her now shredded shirt and tied it around her head, covering her mouth so the ball of fabric stayed in place.  He ran a finger down her cheek, caressing it.  Lexa pulled her face away, wishing she could kill him with the look in her eyes.  Tyler just laughed and sat cross legged on the ground next to her.

      She looked to her right to see Cage holding two patch like objects in his hand.  He peeled a layer from them and placed one on her upper right chest, some type of adhesive holding it in place.  He proceeded to do the same with the other one, placing this one on her left side, right above the ribs he had broken earlier.  She winced as he put pressure on the patch, and also her ribs, ensuring it stuck to her skin.  He pulled wires from the device and connected them to each of the patches.  He looked at her, seeing the silent question in her eyes.

      “I’m ensuring your loyalty to my cause,” he replied, rolling his sleeves up.  Sleeves that were still covered in dried blood.  “A little pain with the pleasure ensures total compliance.”

      Lexa felt the pleasure starting to wear off, the waves coming less frequently and diminishing in intensity.  She hated the part of her that quietly begged for it to return and the raw hunger it left in her chest.  Logically she knew she needed to fight the effects of the drug, not become dependent on it like she had seen so many of her people do.  Physically, she was too exhausted to continue to fight.  The first dose had nearly ensured her compliance.  Cage flipped a switch on the machine and Lexa heard it start to hum.  Cage picked up another syringe and held it above her face so she could see it.

      “How difficult you make this is entirely up to you,” he told her, still holding the syringe above her head.  She hardened her eyes, refusing to give him the satisfaction of her begging for the drug.  

      “The hard way it is then.”  Cage reached behind him and twisted a knob on the machine, the hum increasing in volume.  He looked at her as he depressed a button next to the knob.  The pain was instant, the electricity coursing through her body.  Her body jolted off the ground, pulling against her bonds, the rope cutting into her wrists and feet.  Seconds felt like forever, to the point where Lexa thought she might pass out.  A harsh tone cut across the sound of her body thrashing on the ground, piercing her ears, causing a crippling pain to radiate through her head.  Just as she thought she couldn’t take anymore, Cage cut the power.  Her body crumpled on the ground with a thud, her breathing labored.  She sucked air in through her nose trying to control herself.  

      “That was just one round.  We can keep doing this until you decide you’ll comply.”  Cage leaned over her again, showing her the syringe.  Lexa hardened her eyes and thrust her head at Cage, trying to hit him but falling short.  Cage and Tyler let out a harsh laughs.

      “This is going to be more fun then I’d originally planned,” Cage chuckled cruelly.  “Tyler? Hold her head.”

      Lexa tried uselessly to struggle as Tyler’s hands took hold of her head, cementing it in place.  On gripped the top of her head, pulling her hair, while the other roughly held her chin.  She closed her eyes as she felt the prick of the needle again against her neck.  Tyler's hands released her and her head lolled to the side, the effects of the drug causing her eyes to glaze over.  She barely felt it when Cage shocked her again, her body beginning to go numb.  The only thing she was aware of was a high pitched sound and the head splitting pain that accompanied it.  As soon as the noise stopped, she would receive another dose of the Red, the pleasure coming in fresh waves.  It was quickly followed by the harsh shock.  This cycle continued on and on, Lexa losing count after the fifth or sixth round.  The drug was clouding her mind in ecstasy.  A small voice at the back of her head yelled at her to fight, but she ignored it.  She was so tired and she just wanted to float away in the pleasure the drug offered her.

      Before long, she began to associate the high pitched sound with an immediate dose of Red.  She hated herself for the hunger she felt as the sound came to an end and she waited impatiently to receive another dose of the drug.  She would steel herself against the shock, knowing it would be coming immediately after, but began to think it was worth it to get the drug.  Her body was slack, completely destroyed by the effects of the torture and the drug.  She could feel the exhaustion winning, the darkness beginning to take over.  She tried to fight it, knowing that if she passed out, the pleasure would stop.  She never wanted it to stop.  She fought the darkness, but lost, her body unable to bear anymore.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

      Clarke froze in place as she stared at the end of the soldiers sword, aimed at her heart.  The soldier barked something that sounded like a question in Trigedasleng, something that Clarke didn’t understand.  She looked at him in confusion for a moment as she tried to think of something to say that he would understand.

      “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” she told the Grounder.  “I mean no harm though, I come in peace.”  She held her hands up, palms out to support her words.

       The Grounder regarded her warily for a moment, as if debating something.  Finally, he asked her, “Who are you? What is your business in our lands?”

      Clarke debated with herself, weighing the pros and cons of telling him the truth.  She was fairly certain if she told him the truth, he wouldn’t know who she was.  At the same time, she just wanted to start fresh, with no one knowing her past.  He already knew she didn’t speak the Grounder language and she was fairly certain that her clothing, although dirty and ragged after a little over a week in the forest, would give her away.  After another moment, she decided to be on the safe side and just tell the truth, on the off chance he would recognize her.  “My name is Clarke.  I am one of the Sky People, and I just seek refuge, a safe haven.”

      She watched as he considered this information, his mind working, trying to decide what to do.  She saw him glance behind her, briefly, and she resisted the urge to turn.  She saw his face change, set, as though he had made a decision.

      “We will take you back to our city, allow our _Kwin_ to decide what to do with you,” he told her.  

      With that, she was grabbed roughly from behind and held in place, assumedly by another Grounder, though she was prevented from turning to look.  She watched as the other man walked past her, disappearing from her view.  He retuned a minute later, carrying ropes and some kind of sack.  He bound her hands, tightly, the rope cutting into her wrists and making her hands ache.  She didn’t protest though, she was not weak, she could stand whatever they did to her.  When he finished securing her bindings, he took the sack and threw it over her head.  It completely obscured her vision, leaving her blind.  Rough hands then felt over her body, relieving her of her pistol and knife.  She heard a conversation in Trigedasleng and was only able to pick up a couple words, but she knew they were arguing over her gun.  She knew Grounders by nature were scared of weapons like hers.  She heard it clatter to the ground, and out of reflex went to grab for it.  She was swiftly admonished with a fist to her gut.

      “Sorry,” she sputtered out, trying unsuccessfully to suck air back into her lungs.  “It was just reflex.”

      Her captors remained silent in return, but the gun stayed wherever they had thrown it.  She was vaguely aware of being lifted and placed on what she assumed was a horse, her bindings secured in some manner in front of her.  She felt someone get on the animal with her, sitting behind her and securing her in place.  They were still for a moment before she heard the person sitting behind her mutter something in Trigedasleng and then they were off, traveling at a quick and rough pace.  She was grateful that whoever was behind her seemed rather large in stature; they were keeping her from flying off the back of the horse.  The ride was silent, the only sound coming from the pounding of hooves on the earth.  She could tell they were traveling up, farther up the mountain she assumed, based on the way she was leaning on the horse.  She could also tell that there were at least three horses in their group, and she wondered how she hadn’t heard a single one of them approach her at her camp.  As the wind whipped past her, she shivered, wishing the men had allowed her the time to pick up her blanket from her makeshift camp.  

       After what felt like forever to Clarke, though logically she knew it had only been about an hour long ride, the horses finally slowed.  She heard someone ahead of them yelling, again in Trigedasleng, then a creaking as if something heavy was being moved.  They proceeded forward slowly, and the creaking came again, a few moments later.  They proceeded at a slow pace for a few more minutes before coming to a stop.  She felt the person sitting behind her get off the horse, immediately missing the warmth on her back their body heat had offered her.  She didn’t have long to miss it though, before she was being roughly pulled from the horse to the ground.  Not being able to see, her feet didn’t hit the ground squarely, causing her to fall to her hands and knees, pain radiating across her body but centered in her injured shoulder.  Her arms were roughly grabbed, the rope cutting harshly into her wrists, and she was pulled to her feet, dragged a short distance and then thrown on her face on the ground again.  Her face hit the ground, her right cheek bruising instantly at the impact.  Her shoulder was screaming in protest at the treatment.  Clarke grunted, but remained still, waiting for the next hit to come.

      She could feel the warm stickiness of blood starting to seep down her hands from the rough treatment, but she ignored it, trying to focus on the sounds around her.  She heard shuffling, what sounded like numerous people walking around, though not within close proximity to her.  She could hear the snorts from the horses outside, as they tried to regain themselves from the rough ride.  The wind and the chill had been cut significantly after she had been pulled from the horse and dragged across the ground, so she assumed she was in a shelter of some kind.  She could also hear what sounded like a fire popping and crackling nearby, and could smell the wood burning.  She rolled tentatively onto her side, intending to try and sit up, when she was pulled by her arms again, into a kneeling position.  The sack was ripped from her head, some of her hair going with it.

      She winced and blinked a few times at the sudden bright light assaulting her vision.  As her eyes adjusted, she noticed that she was, in fact, in a rather large tent, one similar in size to the Commander’s tent she had spent so much time in.  As she continued to look around, trying to get her bearings, she noticed a fire that burned in the center of the tent, throwing sparks and warmth in all directions.  She subconsciously moved closer to it, seeking to warm her body that had become numb with the cold.  Her eyes continued to wander, landing on an empty raised chair, fashioned out of wood that held intricate carvings sitting to her left.  It was not anything like Lexa’s throne in design, but rather, was made of what seemed like strong and sturdy wood, the carvings covering the back, arm rests, and legs.  Before Clarke could study it for too long, movement in her peripheral caused her to turn her head towards the tent opening. 

      She watched as a woman, tall and commanding in appearance, entered the tent and proceeded to the throne, sitting down upon it.  She and Clarke regarded each other, studying one another in silence, each taking in the other.  Clarke knew she probably looked a sight; dirty from her travels with her clothes hanging off her body, evidence of malnourishment.  Her hair hung in strands around her face, unkempt, and her clothes were stained with blood.  The woman sitting across from her was the polar opposite.  She was blonde, though her hair was much lighter then Clarke’s, almost white in color.  It framed her face neatly, falling well past her shoulders.  Her eyes were a hard and cold grey, but an intelligence shone behind them, layered with something Clarke couldn’t place.  She had white war paint streaked across her face in diagonal lines, stretching from forehead to chin.  Despite the paint, Clarke could still see that she appeared older then most Grounders Clarke had seen, closer in age to Indra, if she had to guess.  She wore thick furs, the white head of a wolf placed squarely on top of her head as a hood, the mouth open and barring it’s teeth.

      The Queen’s skin was pale, paler then even the Mountain Men, who hadn’t seen sun in almost a century.  As she stared curiously at Clarke, Clarke had to struggle not to look away from the piercing gaze.  She felt as though the woman could see into her soul, and Clarke knew what she hid in there was nothing that she wanted anyone else privy to.  The silence stretched out, Clarke growing more and more uncomfortable under the older woman’s gaze, her skin beginning to crawl.  Clarke schooled her face against any emotion, she refused to allow this woman to intimidate her.  Clarke could feel her knees beginning to strain from kneeling on the cold hard ground and her shoulder was screaming in protest at the rough treatment from earlier.  Finally, the Queen moved and spoke to Clarke, her voice deeper and colder than Clarke would have imagined.

      “Do you know who I am,” the woman asked in perfect English, looking down at Clarke.

      “I know you’re the leader of the Ice Nation.  Beyond that, I do not know anything else,” Clarke replied.

      “True, I am their _Kwin_.  Tell me, have you heard any stories of the Great Ice Queen Nia, Clarke?”  Clarke tried to maintain a neutral face.  Of course the guards had told the woman who she was.  Clarke shook her head, indicating she had never heard of the woman.  She was not going to tell this woman what Lexa had told her in confidence about the Ice Leader.  A brief flash of annoyance passed over the woman’s face, but was quickly concealed.

      “It is of no consequence. You will learn soon enough.”  Again Clarke saw a flash of something in Nia’s eyes, something close to cruelty, but she couldn’t quite place the exact emotion.  “My guards tell me they found you trespassing in our lands, hunting our game.”

      “I didn’t know they were your lands, nor did I know defending myself was a crime,” replied Clarke, barely keeping the attitude out of her voice.  The Queen shifted her gaze to where Clarke’s right arm hung gingerly at her side, the injury evident in the way Clarke was trying to keep it still.  The Queen gave Clarke a cruel smirk and crossed her arms over her chest as she settled back into the throne.

      “I see.  My men also tell me you do not speak our language and claim to be _Skaikru_.”  It was more a statement than a question, as if Nia already knew what she said to be true. 

      “Yes,” Clarke replied simply.

      “What do you seek here?  You are quite a ways from your clan.  These parts can be very…dangerous to those unfamiliar with their surroundings.  The wildlife alone pose a great danger to those who are less then skilled at survival.”  Nia allowed her doubt about Clarke’s survival skills color her tone, her meaning apparent behind the words.

      She didn’t believe Clarke was equipped or competent enough to survive alone.  Clarke's anger flared, flashing briefly across her face before she brought it under control.  She refused to allow this woman to get under her skin.  She was here for a reason, she needed these people to teach upon her nearly nonexistent fighting and survival skills.  Clarke took a deep calming breath, focusing on her objective once more.

      “I was looking for your clan, actually. The Sky People could no longer offer me a life that I wished to lead,” Clarke replied carefully, keeping her answer vague.

      “Understandable.  And would this desire for a new lifestyle have anything to do with what you did at the Mountain?”

      Clarke froze, her breathing stilling.  She had not been expecting the Queen to know what had happened in that place, what she had done to so many innocent souls.  Clarke remained silent, all her energy used to restart her breathing and keep it even.

      “Yes, I know exactly who you are, _Klark kom Skaikru_.” Nia’s face split into a cruel smile, yet the smile lacked amusement and the Queen’s eyes remained cold.  “You are a legend among my people for what you did that night.” 

      For the first time since coming into the tent, the Queen stood, taking a step toward Clarke.  Clarke could see something flash in Nia’s eyes, something she couldn’t place.  

      “The great ‘ _Wanheda_ ’, as my people say.  You would think you were a god, listening to the reverence with which people speak about you and how you singlehandedly wiped out the Mountain Men.”  The Queen scoffed as she spoke, her distaste clear in her voice.  

      Clarke had no idea what “ _Wanheda_ ” meant, but assumed that it wasn’t a title she wanted to be associated with.  Seeing the confusion in Clarke’s eyes, Nia smirked down at her.  “You have no idea what _Wanheda_ means, do you?”

      Clarke shook her head, not sure whether she wanted to know what the Grounders had coined her.  Considering it was based on her actions at Mt. Weather, Clarke was fairly certain she didn’t want to know.

      “It means ‘Commander of Death’,” Nia told her, not able to keep the envy from her voice at the title.  

      Clarke’s shock manifested physically as her mouth fell open, the disbelief evident in every feature of her face.  She didn’t even bother to try conceal her emotions as her mind attempted to absorb the words.  How could these people take something so twisted and turn it into a legend?  Clarke slowly shook her head back and forth, as if attempting to shake off the her new title, wanting nothing to do with it.  She did not need a constant reminder of what she had done, she wanted a fresh start, to forget the past.  She was no heroine, no legend.  She was a murderer, covered in the blood of hundreds of innocents.  She looked at Nia, hoping the woman was playing some type of sick joke on her. 

      “What is the matter?  Are you not appreciative of the title?  It is truly an honor bestowed upon you by my people.”  Nia studied her, confusion marring her features as if she could not understand Clarke’s reaction.  

      Clarke knew that compassion was beyond this woman’s grasp and she would never understand why Clarke was so affected by the events of that night.  As Clarke looked at the woman, she was finally able to place the look in Nia’s eyes; the older woman was jealous.  The thought that this woman was envious of the murder of hundreds of innocent souls made Clarke physically sick, her stomach rolling with nausea.  What kind of person coveted that kind of burden?  Clarke couldn’t make sense of Nia’s feelings other then to come to the conclusion that the woman had no soul, no conscience.  She watched as Nia drew closer to her, her furs fanning out behind her giving amplifying her presence within the tent.  Clarke fought to maintain her composure as the woman before her stared down at her, envy etched into every feature of her face.

      “Tell me, _Wanheda,_ what was it like to defeat an entire population in one fell swoop?  To hold that much power in your hands?  To kill so many?”  The look in Nia’s eyes changed to one of hunger, of a desire to wield that much power.  

      Nia yearned to decide who lived and died; to be judge, jury, and executioner.  Clarke felt her stomach roll again and fought the bile rising in her throat at the thought of this woman actually enjoying the idea of murdering innocent people.  Clarke was beginning to see how this woman could have done what she did to Costia.  She was starting to realize just how black-hearted this woman would have to be to ceaselessly torture an innocent girl, chop her up in pieces, and send her bit by bit back to her mate.  Clarke suppressed the shiver that ran up her spine.  She was beginning to wonder if she had made the right choice in seeking the Ice Nation out.

      “I did what I had to do to save my people,” Clarke said quietly, unable to justify her actions any other way.  

      She looked at the ground beneath her, trying to hide her shame as it washed over her, darkening her features.  She didn’t want to talk about her actions in that desperate moment, let alone how she had felt pulling that switch.  Noticing her reaction, Nia strode over to Clarke, stopping in front of her.  She placed her hand under Clarke’s chin and pulled it up, forcing Clarke to look at her.  Clarke was surprised at how warm her hands were, half expecting the woman to be as cold as her eyes.

      “Do not be ashamed, Sky Girl.  What you did saved many lives and destroyed an enemy that my people have feared for nearly a hundred years.  That is more then even the precious _Commander_ could accomplish.”  Nia’s face twisted and Clarke could hear the hatred that bled through Nia’s words as she spoke of Lexa.  

      Clarke could tell that whatever feelings Nia harbored for the leader of the Grounders had not disappeared with the formation of the alliance.  Clarke tried not to wonder what Lexa had done to earn the wrath of this woman, but couldn’t help but be slightly curious.  She didn’t allow her questions to show in her face though, instead pulling her face from the woman’s hand.  She focused on a point on the tent wall behind the Queen, wishing the older woman would change the subject.

      “Not many people would be able to make a decision of that magnitude and live with themselves afterwards.  It’s almost impressive.”  The smile remained on the woman’s face, not quite looking right, as if the woman was not capable of an actual smile.  Clarke had nothing to reply with, not wishing to speak on the subject.  

      “If my information is correct, you and your people formed an alliance with Lexa, agreeing upon peace to work towards the common goal of stopping the Mountain Men.  Stop me if I am mistaken.”  Clarke again reminded silent and Nia took this as a sign to continue speaking.

      “So you formed this ‘alliance’ of sorts, and from what my spies tell me, you spent quite a bit of time alone with the Commander.  In fact, you are the only person who has ever been allowed to question her decisions and argue with her.  You are also the only person in a long while that she has felt the need to protect, to keep safe.  This to me indicates a relationship deeper then mere leaders working toward a common goal.  Perhaps the Commander took a special liking to you…”  Nia had a knowing smirk upon her lips, again the words more a statement than a question.  Clarke hardened her features at the mention of a relationship between her and Lexa.  She looked back at Nia, hatred apparent in her eyes.

      “There is nothing between the Commander and I,” Clarke told her coldly, making sure the hatred was apparent in her words.  “I no longer wish to play party to her idea of an ‘alliance’ either.”  Clarke stared at the woman, showing her there was nothing but hatred and anger for Lexa.

      Though at one point Clarke had wished for something more between them, Lexa had ensured that would never happen when she left Clarke on that mountain.  Clarke had been foolish enough to trust the girl, Lexa simply manipulating Clarke’s emotions to garner trust and an alliance that benefited only the Grounders.  For that, Clarke had no respect or feelings of allegiance.  She told herself she could care less about the girl.  For a second, a small part of her was almost convinced.

      “Interesting.  I had heard the great _Heda_ had left you and your people on the Mountain to die, but I could not be sure.”  Nia nearly spat the word _Heda_ , as if it were filth in her mouth.  Again, Clarke’s curiosity was piqued, the single word laced with so much venom.  “It is evident in your face though, the pain and utter hatred that betrayal caused.”

      Nia turned and walked back to her throne, sitting back down gracefully.  She tented her hands under her face and rested her chin atop them, contemplating Clarke.  Clarke worked to school her expression back into one of neutrality.  The mention of Lexa causing her carefully placed walls to fall out of place momentarily.

      “You still haven’t told me why you have travelled all this way.  Why come to the _Azgeda_ , to my city” Nia asked.

      “I needed a change.  You were correct, though.  I also need to learn.”  Clarke shifted her position, her knees protesting.  “Your city and your people can offer me that.  I come in peace and I simply seek a safe haven.”

      Nia regarded her over the tops of her hands.  Clarke could see the internal deliberation she was having in reflected in her eyes. Finally after a long minute, Nia stood.

      “I will agree to allow you to stay.  But rest assured, should this be some kind of trick, you _and_ your people will pay with your lives.”  The threat was delivered with venom, leaving no doubt in Clarke’s mind that Nia meant every word. 

      “Thank-you.  I promise you, I am here for myself alone.  I have skills as a healer that may benefit your people as well that I offer freely.”  Clarke ducked her head under the Queen’s gaze, trying to appear humbled by the Queen’s acceptance of her. 

      “Do not make me regret this, _Wanheda_.”  With that final word, the Queen nodded to the guards behind Clarke and left the tent.  

      Clarke’s bindings around her hands were cut by one of the guards, and she was assisted in standing.  She rubbed her wrists, wiping some of the dried blood from the rope burns off.  The guard she had initially interacted with placed a hand on her back and began pushing her towards the opening in the tent.

       “Come.  We will escort you to your lodgings,” he told her, pulling open the tent and pushing her out into the sunlight.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

      Lexa had nothing to mark the passing of time.  She had no idea how long she’d been tied to the ground, forced to take the drug and the torture, though honestly, she was at the point where she no longer cared.  She knew she was addicted, she had failed miserably.  She had become that thing she had hated the most, a Reaper.  She was weak and dependent upon someone else to survive.  She had never been put in such a vulnerable position, hatred and shame for herself the only feelings left in her.  If she had to judge, she would say a few days had passed, possibly a week.  She had fought hard in the beginning, but in the last day or so, she had finally been broken, giving in to the drug and allowing it to take her over completely.  She no longer recognized herself; Commander Lexa was dead, all that remained was a hollowed out, drug addicted, body.

      She knew Cage was pleased with himself.  She had seen it in his eyes at the end of their last session.  He knew he had broken her.  She knew that she should continue to fight, but the only thing she could focus on was getting another hit of the Red.  She couldn’t bring herself to worry about anything else.  Thoughts of it ran rampant in her mind and her toes curled just thinking about it, the anticipation almost worse than the actual effect of the drug.  She lifted her head off the ground, seeking Cage, wondering where he had gone.  She spotted him across the clearing, talking to Tyler in hushed tones.  She let her head fall back on the ground.  It had been too long since her last dose.  She needed that drug and she needed it now.  She pulled on her bindings for the thousandth time, and was met by the usual resistance.  The syringes laid just beyond her grasp, close enough to tease her.

      She let out a frustrated huff as she again came up short.  She licked her lips, the fabric from her shirt removed after the last session.  She squinted as a shadow fell over her face, blocking out the sun that had been streaming through the trees.  She looked up at Cage, who was standing above her.  He had a knowing smile on his face.  He knelt down, bringing his face closer to hers.  

      “I think you’re finally ready.”  He picked up the pack containing the syringes and handed them off to Tyler who had also walked over to her.  

      “Ready for what,” she asked, her eyes never leaving the pack of drugs.

      “Ready for the final phase,” Cage replied, beginning to undo the bindings at her feet.

      Lexa watched him curiously, wondering what he meant by “final phase”.  Once her feet were free, he moved to her hands, undoing them as well.  She sat up, gaze still following the pack.  She rubbed at her wrists and ankles, long ago numbed by the rope cutting into her.  She stood tentatively, her whole body aching.  She struggled to keep her balance, her body not used to standing.  The only time she had been released from her bonds was to relieve herself, and that had been done each time under the hungry eyes of Tyler.  She had also never been truly freed, she had still been bound behind her back, making the task extraordinarily difficult.  She stretched her limbs, working the kinks and cramps out of each one.  Rolling her neck, she watched as Cage took the package back from Tyler.  

      “You were much more stubborn than any other Grounder I’ve yet had the pleasure of working on,” Cage told her as he unzipped the bag.  “Most only take a couple days to conform.  You’ve taken a whole week.  It’s impressive and I have appreciated the challenge.”

      She froze as Cage drew out one syringe and filled it with the Red, tapping it to clear the air bubbles from it.  

      “Serene,” he called over his shoulder.

      Lexa watched at the female grounder emerged from the brush, her eyes also falling on the syringe in Cage’s hands.  She had a hungry look in her eyes that Lexa knew was reflected in her own.  Lexa licked her lips, her heartbeat picking up in pace and her breath faltering as it hitched in her throat.  Sweat began to form on her brow in anticipation.

      “This is your final test, Lexa.”  Cage gave the syringe one final tap before tossing it on the ground a few feet in front of him.  “Two of you, one syringe.  A fight to the death.  Winner gets the syringe.  If either of you fails to kill the other, you yourself will be killed for showing mercy.”

      With that, Tyler drew out his pistol, racking the slide and chambering a round.  Lexa looked at the other Reaper, need coursing through her body.  Serene looked at her, her face flushed in anticipation as well.  Lexa could wait no longer.  Turning, she dove to the ground, in the direction of the syringe.  She was swiftly knocked aside by the other woman, both of their hands grappling for the drug.  Lexa grabbed the woman’s face, pulling back by her hair and then slamming it into the ground.  She heard the crunch as the woman’s nose broke on impact, blood immediately flowing from her nostrils.  The woman cried out in rage and pain and rolled Lexa onto her back, straddling her chest and wrapping her hands around her throat.  Lexa gasped for air, clawing at the woman’s hands.  Failing to move them, she reached up towards the woman’s face, digging her thumbs into the woman’s eyes.  Serene broke her choke hold immediately, turning instead to grasp desperately at Lexa’s hands.  Lexa drew one of her legs up, thrusting her hips up and to the side, throwing Serene off balance and rolling the woman from atop her.  

      Lexa regained her feet, and stood above Serene, who was still rubbing at her eyes.  She pushed the woman over onto her back, this time climbing on top of her.  She pinned the woman wrists beneath her knees.  Lexa began to punch the woman about the face, her hands coming back bloody.  Serene’s face crumpled under Lexa’s blows, the woman unable to stop the fury behind them.  Lexa let her anger flow through her, let it drive her fists harder and faster into the flesh below her.  Images of her betraying Clarke at the mountain flashed across her mind, images of Tyler trailing his hands over her body followed those, and finally Lexa’s shame at her inability to fight the drug off overtook her.  It was quite a few blows before she realized Serene had gone limp beneath her, the woman’s breaths coming out in gurgles behind blood and broken teeth.  Her face was unrecognizable once Lexa was finished with her.  

      Lexa looked up to see Cage and Tyler looking at her eagerly, both waiting for her to finish the woman off.  Lexa’s eyes were cold and hard as she moved one hand to Serene’s chin and the other to the top of her head.  Before she could complete the task, she heard Serene whisper one pain laden phrase, the only words she had ever heard the other woman utter.

      “Thank-you.”

      Lexa never faltered, ending Serene’s life in one swift movement, the sound of the woman’s neck snapping echoing through the clearing.  The gurgling breathing ceased and Lexa could almost feel the woman's spirit leave her body.  Lexa dropped Serene’s head back into the dirt, sitting back.

      “Yu gonplei ste odon,” she whispered to the woman.  

      Standing and wiping her hands on her pants, she turned and located the syringe in the dirt a couple feet away.  She knelt down and picked it up, facing the two men again.  Staring with no emotion behind her eyes, she held the syringe up to her neck and tilted her head to the side, giving herself better access.  In one smooth movement, she injected herself with the serum, the drug taking effect almost immediately.  She dropped to her knees, and then to the ground, laying on her side as she allowed the euphoria to take over her system entirely.  She felt no remorse for killing one of her own people for these Mountain Men.  She could see it in their eyes as they looked down at her on the ground: she was theirs. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due to overwhelming insomnia, this chapter got done faster than expected. Enjoy! 
> 
> Translations:
> 
> Skai Prisa: Sky Princess  
> Hod Up: Stop  
> Ai laik Klark kom Skaikru en ai gaf gouthru klir: I am Clarke of the Sky People and I come in peace  
> Chit yu gaf: What do you want

      Clarke ducked as the steel of a heavy blade swept past her face, missing her by inches.  The wind created by the movement caused the hair atop her head to move, tickling across her face and neck.  Clarke spun, bringing her own sword up to clash with the opposing blade, defending herself from another downward sweep.  The swords clashed together, clanging loudly and causing sparks to fly everywhere.  Clarke used her weight to push her attacker back, creating space between them.  She breathed heavily, the fight and the weight of the sword a strain on her system.  She side stepped, easily moving out of her attacker’s path as he charged her, his intention to use his size and weight to throw her to the ground.  She turned as he rushed past her, sticking her foot out and tripping the man up, causing him to fall to a knee with his back to her.  She brought her own sword up, swinging it at the man’s now exposed back.  At the last moment, he raised his own sword, dropping it backwards over his shoulders and effortlessly blocking her attack. 

      The man, easily twice her size, pushed her sword away, and stood, turning to face her again.  They circled each other slowly, simultaneously looking for a weak spot in the other and trying to even out their breathing.  Clarke’s attention was disrupted as her eyes were drawn to the movement in the woods behind the mans left shoulder.  She realized too late it was only a squirrel, the man seizing his opportunity to attack.  He pulled his sword above his head and swung it down with full force towards the top of Clarke’s head.  Clarke silently cursed herself for becoming distracted, pushing her sword up to meet the man’s downward thrust, barely blocking his attack and preventing her skull from being split in half.  She struggled under the full weight of the man that now rested on her as the man pushed down with all his might at their joined swords.  Not having had the time to position her hands correctly, Clarke felt the steel of her own blade cut into her right palm as she fought to keep her feet under her.

      She spun out and away from the man, creating distance between them once more, but he was on top of her, knocking her to the ground in one rough push.  She felt her head smack the ground behind her and stars momentarily blurred her vision.  She let out a gasp and her sword fell from her grasp with a clatter.  As she shook her head to clear her vision, she looked up to see the man had taken possession of her sword and now held it, along with his own, crossed at her throat.  The cold steel bit into the sensitive flesh of her neck, beginning to draw blood.  Allowing herself to get distracted was now going to cost her her life.  She cursed again, this time out loud, as she stared up into the face of the giant towering above her.  After a moment, he pulled the swords back, placing his own in its sheath.  He offered his hand to Clarke, pulling her to her feet.

      “You must remain focused, Clarke.”  He handed Clarke’s sword back to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.  “To get distracted is to welcome death.  Your enemies will show you no mercy.”

      “Sha, Kai.  It was stupid. It won’t happen again.”  Clarke ducked her head to hide her shame, angry with herself. 

      “Do not be too hard on yourself, this is why we train.”  Kai placed a hand on her shoulder, trying to reassure her.  

      Clarke quickly shrugged it off, not wanting the comfort.  She didn’t deserve it.  She had made a mistake that, had it been a real battle, would have cost her everything.  She needed to be smarter, to be better.  She placed her own sword in her sheath and hissed as the palm of her hand protested against the movement.  She turned it over, looking at the angry red cut that was now visible.  It was only bleeding slightly, but stung quite a bit.  Kai glanced at her hand, letting out a small chuckle.

      “I think it is good you are a healer, all the scrapes you seem to get out here,” Kai said playfully to her.  “We do not have enough healers to keep up with you.”

      Clarke glared at him, but had to struggle to keep a straight face at her mentor’s teasing.  

      “Perhaps I allow you to graze me every once in a while so that you don’t doubt your skills,” Clarke quipped back.  “After all, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you too badly out here, you being a ‘battle hardened warrior’ and all that.”

      Kai took a playful swipe at her arm in response, letting out a booming laugh that matched his stature.

      “Whatever you must tell yourself, little one,” he replied, still laughing.

      They walked off the training field, headed back towards the city, their session over for the day.  They walked in comfortable silence; again Clarke appreciated that Kai did not feel the need to fill silences when he was around her.  She had been with the Azgeda now for about three month’s time, training with them in every spare moment she could find.  She had learned quickly, excelling in her training, picking up the interest of her favorite and current mentor, Kai.  He was older then her by quite a few years, white hair interspersed with his golden locks.  He had a ruddy appearance, formed after years spent outside in the harsh elements.  Blue eyes shone with intelligence and a wisdom Clarke hoped to earn one day.  He was a bear of a man, easily twice Clarke’s size in height and girth, though he was not fat, the girth the result of his enormous muscle mass.  

      Clarke had found the majority of the Azgeda to be cold and distant, altogether untrusting, which she couldn’t blame them for.  She was an outsider.  She also didn’t mind being left alone though, she wasn’t looking for friends or connections with this culture.  She only sought to learn from them.  Kai had been different, though, taking an immediate liking to the Sky Girl after watching her fight one day.  He had offered to train her, though he had not had a second in a decade, and Clarke had graciously accepted his offer.  He had a warm personality and a kind heart, unlike any other Azgeda Clarke had run across.  Despite his welcoming personality, she had learned quickly that he was not to be fooled with.  He was one of Nia’s finest warriors, having proven himself proficient on the battlefields more times then any other Ice Warrior.  He was ruthless, cold, and emotionless on the battlefield and in training, a total contrast to his personality otherwise.  

      He was also the only person that had been able to draw any semblance of a smile from Clarke during her stay with the Azgeda.  She still dwelled on her choices made in the past, but she was able to put them aside when she was with Kai, her focus solely on surviving the next fight he had planned.  He had formed her into one of the most ruthless fighters in the group that was training, her skill quickly surpassing many other warriors who had been in training for years.  Having never had true direction in hand-to-hand combat or sword fighting, Clarke had also been surprised at how quickly she had picked up both trades.

      Fighting had given her a release that she had so desperately sought out, allowing her to use her frustrations and anger against her enemy on the field.  At the start, she had allowed her emotions to rule her, the anger making her sloppy but brutal against her opponents.  Kai had helped her focus that energy, fine tuning it and shaping Clarke into a merciless warrior.  She had been described as a machine in training, her eyes cold, hard, and emotionless as she struck at her competition with barely controlled rage.  Anger was the only emotion she had left, her heart and mind still in pieces after the mountain.  She kept everyone at arm’s length, including Kai, unwilling to speak about her past at all.  She held a great deal of appreciation for her mentor, knowing he was curious about the mysterious Sky Girl that was ruled by anger, but he never pushed her.  

      Clarke had come to regard him as more a father figure then anything else in her brief stay, appreciating the respect and privacy he gave her.  She knew the feeling was mutual, knowing Kai had a past that he didn’t like to speak about as well, and Clarke repaid his respect of privacy with her own, not pushing him.  Rumors from a few of the patients she had treated in the clinic in town alluded to the idea that Kai had a family at one point that had been taken from him in one of the battles before the clans were united.  Clarke wondered how Kai still managed to love life even with the darkness of that past following him around.  She often wondered if she would ever be happy again like him, if she would ever be able to fill the aching hole left in her chest by a certain brunette. 

      A few days after she had arrived in the city, there had been rumblings about something happening in Polis with the Commander.  Clarke had paid no mind to the whispers, wanting nothing to do with anything Lexa was involved in.  The majority of people spoke Trigedasleng around her anyways, making it easier for her to ignore them.  She only caught the word “Heda” every once in a while, but could never understand the context in which it was used.  The Queen had left shortly after the rumors began, headed to Polis with a small contingent of warriors.  Clarke had spared one brief moment of concern before deciding that she didn’t care and returned her focus to her training.  She hardened her heart against any further thoughts about the leader of the clans. 

      Grounder society was harsh as a whole to begin with, but the Azgeda were further hardened by the elements that they lived in, the cold a constant in the air.  In the short time Clarke had been with them, the days had shortened significantly, the air freezing at night and becoming almost unbearable.  She had been forced to shed her Sky People clothing in favor of the heavy furs that some of the shopkeepers in the city fashioned.  The animal skins, dyed different hues of blue and white, kept her warmer then she would have imagined.  She had quickly adjusted to the change in attire, welcoming the chance to stay warm.  She favored deep brown fur lined leather pants, similarly colored boots that rose halfway between her foot and knee, and a rough but comfortable long sleeved white fabric shirt.  She had received her top cloak as a gift from Kai, a few weeks after starting training with him.  It was beautiful, made from the fur of an unknown creature, dyed a light shade of blue and lined in white.  He told her it brought out the blue of her eyes and the blonde of her hair.  She didn’t care and was just appreciative of the warmth it wrapped her in.

      The Azgeda culture was much different then anything Clarke had experienced as of yet.  Most of the people, while they respected their Queen, seemed to be afraid of the woman.  Clarke, knowing what had happened to Costia, imagined there was a good reason behind the fear.  She kept her head down, careful not to draw attention to herself for fear of having the Queen make good on her promise to Clarke in her tent so long ago.  With the Queen gone from the city though, the Grounders seemed to relax a little more.  They were freer with their words and laughter, the invisible weight of the Queen’s watchful eyes off their backs.  Clarke enjoyed seeing them in that state, and wished they did not have to live in fear.

      Clarke had come to see that the fear and harsh living conditions combined to make a strong society of individuals.  Even though they were a cold and distant people, especially in regards to her, there was a camaraderie that tied them all together and kept them going even on the coldest days.  Clarke understood that drive, that need to survive.  Everyday she fought a war within herself, fighting the guilt that still consumed her nightly through her dreams, or rather, nightmares.  She woke nearly every night with her heart racing, breathing erratic, and an overwhelming sense of panic.  She prayed every night before laying down that the nightmares would end, that she would be granted just one night of peace, but knew that she did not deserve it.  In the end, she had just ended up fighting sleep, favoring her healer studies to fill the dark and cold evening hours.

      When she wasn’t training, she was volunteering her time at the clinic, which always seemed short on help.  The Azgeda had so many amazing techniques and medicines to teach her, she had never thought she would learn it all.  She had reciprocated by showing their healers some of her own more advanced and skilled techniques, things that her mother had taught her.  Kai had been right about her cuts though, she returned to the clinic nearly everyday with a new one to patch up.  He made sure they were never too deep, however, so that she was never kept from her training or studies as a result.  Each one gave her a chance to test her knowledge of the plants in the forest surrounding the city, looking for the correct plants to form into an antibiotic paste to keep the wound clean and uninfected.  

      They had also taught her how to make a natural anesthetic from the plants, a concoction that was simple enough to make, but highly potent.  The first time she had mixed it, she had mistakenly breathed in some of the vapor, knocking herself out.  She had woken hours later on a cot, with a massive headache and enough embarrassment to last her a lifetime.  From that point on, she had learned to be more careful, only mixing it with her face covered and breathing as little as possible.  She had wished more then anything that she had the mixture when Raven had been shot, knowing it only would have helped the girl. 

      Clarke almost allowed herself to be lulled into a false sense of security, living among these people, no one looking at her to make decisions.  Since the fall of the mountain, the clans had been at peace, Clarke usually treating only minor injuries and colds.  As the days passed quickly, filled with training and healing, she began to wonder if she would ever return to her people.  She also wondered if she would ever _want_ to return.  Even three months later, she still had no true desire to return.  In her most quiet moments, as she was waking for the day and before she realized where she was, she wondered about Lexa and what the brunette was doing in Polis.  The thoughts were fleeting though, pushed down as Clarke woke more fully.  She had made no progress in healing her heart, and didn’t think she ever would.  

      As she and Kai reached the outskirts of the tents that signified the beginnings of the city, Clarke was stirred from her reverie by Kai holding his arm out towards Clarke.  By now, it was a familiar motion to Clarke, and one that they always ended their day with.  Clarke grasped his forearm as he did the same with hers and shook down once, before breaking contact.  

      “Until tomorrow Skai Prisa,” Kai said as he turned towards the area his tent stood in.  

      Clarke shook her head at the nickname.  She wouldn’t complain though, it was still better then “Wanheda”.  She wanted no association with the nickname coined by the Grounders after the Mountain fell.  She headed off in the direction of the clinic, preparing herself for another day of learning and helping others.  It was the only way she had found to try and put the pieces of her shattered soul back together.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 ****Lexa’s days passed in a red hazed blur.  The routine was always the same: travel during the day, hunt food for Cage and Tyler while barely consuming enough to sustain herself, then finally she would receive a dose of the Red as a reward for her compliance and obedience.  The majority of her days and nights were spent floating on the high produced by the drug.  She had found she would do nearly anything to guarantee her next high, killing more of her people then she could keep track of along their travels.  The group had run across quite a few nomad Grounders, those that didn’t prescribe to any one clan but instead travelled between multiple ones.

      She was merciless as she ripped skin from flesh, often times using only her bare hands to kill them.  Many of them recognized her, the shock in their eyes vivid as their Heda tore the life from their bodies, remorseless and without prejudice.  She had killed men, women, and children, sparing no one in the pursuit of her next high.  She was methodical and cold in her actions, simply using the murders as a means to an end.  Often times, she was unaware of what she was doing under the influence of the drug, her mind overcome with rage as she essentially blacked out.  It was only as she was coming down from the high, seeing the bodies and smelling the blood, that the full realization of what she had done would sink in.

      In her more lucid moments, she was bombarded by the shame, guilt, and anger that resided in her soul, reminders of what she had done, never to be forgotten.  Her self-loathing drove her to seek her next dose, desperate for the escape from reality that the drug offered her.  Without the drug, she knew she would never get over the pain of what she was doing, of what she had become.  She was disgusted with herself, but helpless to do anything to stop.  In the beginning, after being freed and killing Serene, Lexa had tried to fight, attempting to kill Cage and Tyler.  She had been stopped in her tracks as Cage produced a small device that emitted a high pitched and painful tone that had crippled her.  The noise sliced into her mind, instantly bringing her to her knees.  Anytime she had even thought of fighting back, or anytime Cage thought she might, he hit the button, leaving her to writhe on the ground in pain.  She had given up after the second attempt to kill them, after blood had dripped from her ears signaling a ruptured eardrum and the Red had been withheld from her for an entire day.  The pain of withdrawal that she had begun to feel was worse than the pain from the device. 

      So now, nearly three months later-or what she believed to be about three months-she was literally covered in the blood of too many innocents to count.  Their blood spattered and dried across her face and chest like a grotesque war paint.  The copper smell of it wafted up into her nose with each breath she took, a constant reminder of the price her weakness was costing.  She bore the burden on her shoulders, the weight growing with each kill she made.  

      They wandered for days, Lexa never really taking note of where they were going.  She only came to her senses when she looked up to see that they were passing by the familiar territory of TonDC, still moving East.  Lexa had mistakenly thought of making a run for it, of trying to get to her clan to seek assistance and safety.  The thought was quickly cleared from her mind, the pain swift and unforgiving as Cage had followed her gaze and activated the tone generator.  They had bound her hands after that, dragging her the rest of the way and lengthening the time span between each dose of Red.  The withdrawal was nearly as painful as the tone that constantly echoed in her head.

      Lexa trudged along behind them, falling back into her customary obedient self after that, wishing they would give her more of the drug, knowing that it was unlikely.  She also knew the supply had to be running short, the bag Cage had was only so big.  She shuddered to think about what would happen when it ran out, knowing she couldn’t live without it.  Only one person had survived the Red and come out on the other side, and he had only lived because of Abby and Clarke.  Lexa quickly pushed aside thoughts of Clarke, too ashamed to even entertain memories of the blonde.  Lexa had in no way deserved Clarke before, knowing the blonde was simply too good for her, too pure of heart and soul.  In her current state, Lexa knew she didn’t deserve to even have a passing thought of the girl.  She squeezed her eyes shut against the wave of pain that accompanied the thought that she would never see the blonde again.  In some ways, she was grateful Clarke would never see her broken and beaten like this.

      Lexa looked up as the men in front of her stopped, her blurred gaze searching the landscape in front of her.  She couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath as her eyes caught sight of an expansive city laid out before her, the buildings surrounded by tall and imposing walls.  She looked into the valley below her, spotting several different areas where it was apparent that there were large fires burning through some of the buildings.  Her eyes settled on the tallest structure in the city, standing in it’s center, built from hard stone and brick.  It was a rounded tower, tall and imposing, controlled fire burning from the top of it.  She didn’t focus there, however, something sitting directly below the fire catching her eye.  Her eyes were drawn to the flag flying off the top floors, whipping back and forth in the wind.  It was primarily colored white, and had a blue image of a handprint imposed upon it, the blue stark against the white backdrop.  Even in her drug induced state, Lexa recognized the symbol.

      The Azgeda had taken Polis, and it was burning.  It was her last thought before her world went black.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

      Clarke had just made it to the clinic and settled in to help when there was a loud commotion outside.  She stepped outside to see people pouring into the streets, yelling and calling out.  She walked around the corner of the tent in time to see Nia dismounting from a white horse, landing gracefully on the ground below her.  Clarke watched as the Azgedians bowed down before their Queen, reverence apparent in their body language and now hushed tones.  Clarke watched as Nia ignored all of her subjects, even pushing some aside as she walked over to a tent to her left.  Clarke stiffened as she realized Nia had walked into Kai’s tent.  Her stomach did nervous flip flops as she stood and waited for the Queen to reemerge, hoping a visit like this was common, though she had never seen something like this occur before.  In the few times that Clarke had seen Nia in the village, the Queen had kept her distance from her people, rarely emerging from her own tent. 

      Clarke shuffled her feet nervously and wiped at the sweat that was forming on the back of her neck at the nerves building in her stomach.  Kai was like family to her and she feared the worst if the Queen was personally visiting him.  After all, Clarke knew what happened to people who personally offended Nia.  Clarke swallowed the bile rising in her throat, her breath coming out in a gasp as Nia exited the tent after what felt like ages.  Clarke waited until Nia had remounted her horse and galloped off in the direction of her own tent before moving towards Kai’s tent.  Before she could reach it though, he emerged, clothed in full battle gear.  Clarke immediately noticed the serious nature his face and movements had taken, the mannerisms inconsistent with Kai’s normal nature.

      “Kai!” Clarke rushed to catch up to the man, having to take two steps for every one the man took.

      “I must go, Clarke. The Queen has called upon me,” was all Kai would say in response to Clarke.

      Clarke grabbed his arm, causing him to stop and turn to her.  “Please, what is going on,” she begged.

      Kai’s face softened, his features warming as he looked down at Clarke.  She could see the internal debate in his eyes as he tried to decide whether he should tell Clarke what was going on or not.  Finally, she saw him give in, grabbing her arm and pulling her into a vacant tent.  

      “This stays between you and I, is that understood?” Kai held Clarke by her shoulders, his expression terrifyingly grim.

      Clarke nodded, showing him that she understood.  She had never seen him so serious off the battlefield before and her anxiety was growing with each moment.

      “The Commander and Polis have fallen.  I do not know the specific circumstances surrounding either of the events, nor do I know what has become of Polis or the people that reside there,” Kai told her.

      Clarke felt the her head spinning, the world disappearing beneath her feet.  She was vaguely aware of Kai calling her name and shaking her shoulders.  It sounded like he was yelling at her through water, the sound muffled by the rushing that had taken up residence in her ears the moment he had told her Lexa was gone.  She fought to stay on her feet, to fight off the overwhelming sense of panic that was busy consuming her every thought.  Lexa was dead.  Polis was overrun. 

      “Clarke! Snap out of it!” Kai gave Clarke’s shoulders another rough push, breaking her trance.

      Clarke visibly swallowed, trying to stop the trembling in her hands that had started when Kai told her Lexa was dead.  She looked at Kai, asking, “What happens now?  What did the Queen want?”

      “She asked me to escort her back to Polis, to stand by her side.  Apparently, in the mayhem of the Commander falling, Queen Nia was able to take power, cementing her place as Heda.  But it is only fleeting.  Others who want the throne will challenge her for it, challenge her to a Champions Fight for the rights to the throne.” Kai’s face darkened as he contemplated his next words.  “She has asked me to join her so I can stand in as her Champion.  She has asked me to fight for her, ensuring that she remains in power.”

      Clarke stared up at Kai, her mouth hanging open.  Everything was happening too quickly and she was barely following what Kai was saying, let alone processing it.  She shook her mind, trying to clear it of the confusion running rampant.  

      “I am going with you,” Clarke told him. 

      “You can not.  It is not safe.”  Kai’s eyes pleaded with hers, begging her to see reason.

      “Kai, with all due respect as you are my mentor, I am still my own person.  I am not a part of your people and while I will respect your Queen in her presence, she does not rule me.”  Clarke pushed away from Kai’s hands, walking across the tent.  “If you’re going to Polis, I am going with you.”

      Kai shook his head, opening his mouth to argue but Clarke held up a hand, stopping him before he could start.

      “If Polis has truly fallen, I will need to see to the needs of my people as well.  I will need to ensure they are safe during this time of uncertainty, as power changes hands,” Clarke explained.

      “I understand your reasoning, Skai Prisa, but just as you are not truly Azgeda, you are no longer Skaikru either.  You left your people behind months ago and they had to learn to survive without you,” Kai argued.

      The words cut deep, causing Clarke to dip her head in silent shame.  She knew Kai was right.  She had chosen to leave Camp Jaha, to leave her friends and family behind in favor of running from her problems.  She couldn’t possibly expect that they would welcome her with open arms or accept any help she might be able to offer them.  She also didn’t know if she was ready to go back.  That place and those people held so many memories for her, many of them bad, very few good.  She knew there would be a lot of violence and in-fighting occurring between the clans as there was with all power vacuums; she didn’t know if she wanted to be a part of that either.  Making her mind up, she looked up at Kai.

      “I understand what you are saying, and you are probably right. I will stay here and continue my training,” she said, resignation heavy in her voice.

      “Good.  I expect you to be the best warrior in this city when I return, no exceptions.”  He smiled warmly at her, patting her shoulder. 

      “You have my word,” Clarke replied.  “As long as you promise to return safely.”

      “You have my word, young Prisa.”  He squeezed her shoulder to reassure her.  “I will return.”

      Clarke nodded as they grasped each other’s forearms in a final farewell.  Releasing Kai’s arm she turned to leave the tent, her nerves kicking back into high gear.  As soon as she was safely concealed in her own tent, she allowed herself a few moments to process everything that had just happened.  She felt a sharp pain in her chest at the thought of Lexa laying somewhere, her eyes staring vacantly at nothing, the spirit that lit her green eyes darkened forever.  Clarke had not forgiven the brunette for what she had done, but that did not mean that she had wanted to see the girl dead.  Clarke was surprised at the intensity of grief that overtook her at the thought, but did not take the time to dwell on it, instead pushing it down, to be dealt with later.  She had to focus.  She needed to gather her things and prepare her horse; she was going to Polis, whether Kai and Nia liked it or not.  If she was careful, they never even needed to know she was following them.

      She moved quickly, gathering only essential items that she would need to weather the journey to Polis, knowing the more she took, the slower her travels would be.  Picking up her sword, her practiced hands buckled the straps over her chest, securing the weapon in place on her back.  She made sure her knives, one in each boot, were secured before turning and picking up her cloak.  She threw it around her shoulders, making sure the hilt of her sword was still accessible, should she need it.  Throwing a few items in a satchel, she looked around the tent, ensuring she had everything she would need.  Satisfied, she left the tent behind, moving with purpose towards the outskirts of the city, in the direction of the stables.  

      During her trainings, she had earned a horse by winning a Warriors Battle against another Azgeda in training.  She had never been more thankful for that victory then in this moment.  She entered the makeshift stable quietly, walking over to Saragon’s stall.  She let herself in, reaching out to scratch his nose in silent greeting.  He nuzzled her hand back, recognizing her instantly.  He was a deep black color, no markings to be found, with an even temperament and patience she hadn’t seen in most humans.  Though still young, he was settled like a horse well beyond his years, which she was appreciative of as she was not the most skilled rider.  She quickly readied him for the journey and led him from the stable.  She mounted swiftly, albeit without grace, and quickly turned towards the tree line, urging Saragon into motion with her feet.

      Once she was concealed in the tree line, she made her way to the wall that ran around the city, looking for the opening she had found one day in her explorations.  Dismounting, she led Saragon through the narrow opening, emerging cautiously on the other side and waiting to be challenged by a guard.  She was in luck tonight, with the only sound the quiet breathing of Saragon behind her.  She quickly remounted and turned toward the exit she knew Kai and Nia would have taken.  Picking up their trial about 300 yards out, she settled herself in for a long ride, not sure how far Polis was from the Azgeda city.  As she rode, she tried to mentally prepare herself for what would be waiting for her in Polis.  She had a feeling she would never be ready.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

      Lexa woke with a start, her vision blurred and a pounding in her head.  She could tell she was laying on the ground, her face resting on the loose grit, an earthy smell in her nose.  She let out a low groan as she tried to roll and push herself up.  She stilled when her wrists met resistance and she felt the familiar burn of rope around them.  She shook her head, trying to clear her vision.  It was dark, but the half moon that hung low in the sky threw dim light around her.  After a minute, her vision began to clear enough that if she squinted, she could see that both her wrists were bound in ropes that were tied to wooden stakes buried in the ground on either side of her.  She pulled at her wrists, testing the strength of her bonds and the stakes in the ground; neither budged.  The rope was taut enough that she could only kneel.  It was impossible for her to reach either of the stakes.  She blew out a frustrated breath at the fact that she had allowed herself to end up in this situation _again._ So much for the Great Heda. 

      She blinked a few more times, trying to further clear her vision.  As she waited on her eyesight to come back to her, she tried to remember how she had ended up here.  She lowered her head to her shoulder, intending to wipe the dirt off her cheek and hissed out a breath as her shoulder brushed against her temple, the throbbing in her head intensifying.  Well, that answered one of her questions; she had clearly been rendered unconscious.  Her mind sluggishly recalled looking down at Polis and seeing her beloved city burning with the flag of the Azgeda hanging over it.  Rage built up in her chest at the thought, her fists clenching as she began to pull on her restraints again.  She let out a frustrated yell when they failed to give any slack.  She allowed her arms to drop to her sides again, trying to think of a way to break the bindings.  Pulling on them would only serve to hurt her more, making the task more difficult.

      The longer she knelt on the ground, the more she became aware of a gnawing hunger growing in her stomach.  She knew immediately it wasn’t a hunger for food, but rather for the Red.  She wondered how long she had gone without a dose, reckoning it had only been a few hours because the symptoms of withdrawal were minimal.  A slight trembling in her hands was the only proof that anything was wrong.  She strained at the ropes again, determined to break them, her efforts again useless.  She stopped as blood began to flow from her wrists, the ropes cutting into them. She lowered her head, again trying to clear her vision. 

      After a few minutes, she was finally able to focus on her surroundings.  Looking around, she realized she was imprisoned in what appeared to be a circular dirt arena of some type.  That area was circled by what appeared to be wooden stands with a raised platform in front of her.  On the platform rested twelve simple chairs, each accompanied with a flag of one of the twelve clans.  Lexa’s mind moved annoyingly slow as she took in the setting, her mind taking a full minute to catch up with what her eyes were seeing.  As she registered where she was, she felt her pulse quicken and sweat began to form on her brow.  She was in the area designated for public executions.  Though she was tightly bound, she was able to turn her head enough to see the wooden post in the ground behind her.  The post where so many had been strung up and killed by the cuts of a thousand knives.  She looked at the moon again as it disappeared behind the clouds.  A shiver travelled down her spine, as she realized dawn was drawing nearer along with the imminent end of her life.

      Rage took the place of fear, the emotion blinding her and turning her vision red.  She let out an angry scream, pulling again at her bindings with no result.  She was so angry that she couldn’t feel the pain of the ropes cutting into her wrists or see the blood now freely flowing from them.  She continued to thrash against the ropes, determined to at least put up a fight and not going quietly into the next life.  The moon continued it’s silent downward motion, unknowingly counting down the last remaining hours of the Commander’s life.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

      Clarke had been following Nia and Kai for a few hours before she had recognized any of her surroundings.  As they had traveled East, the air had again become warm, the forest returning to the deciduous state she had grown accustomed to after first landing on earth.  She had been tense as they had travelled on the outskirts of the woods surrounding TonDC and Camp Jaha, knowing both Trikru and Skaikru scouts littered the woods.  She had not seen nor heard anyone though, as they quickly cut through the woods.  The Queen seemed to be in a rush, rarely stopping and always keeping her horse at a trot.  Clarke had been struggling to keep up all day and hoped they would stop for the night, knowing it would be impossible to track them after dark.  

      After a few more hours, as the sun was nearly disappearing over the horizon for the day, she crested a hill that opened up into a valley below.  As she brought Saragon to a stop and looked down, she saw what appeared to be an incredibly expansive city below her.  She marveled at the utter size of it’s boundaries, unable to see where it ended off in the distance. It was unlike anything Clarke had yet seen on the ground.  TonDC had been comprised of a few partially destroyed structures, leftovers from the days before the great war.  Many people still lived in tents or huts, few actually taking up residence in the buildings.  This was totally different in comparison, no tents or huts to be seen.  The city was comprised of mostly low lying buildings, none appearing to be over two or three stories tall, all clustered closely together.  In the center everything stood a tall stone and brick tower with fire burning atop it.  From the top of it, Clarke spied an Azgeda flag blowing in the breeze.  As her eyes roamed the city, she noticed a few structures burning and a few smoking as though they had been recently on fire.  Clarke imagined they were casualties of whatever events had taken place here in the last few months that had led to the fall of the Commander.  

      Clarke swallowed the emotions that rose as she thought of Lexa, now gone.  She was not ready to deal with that as of yet.  She needed to focus on gathering information to find out where the Sky People stood as the Grounders worked to reorganize their hierarchy.  She urged Saragon on again, towards the tall outer wooden wall that Clarke was beginning to associate with all Grounder settlements.  As she approached, she saw two guards standing post near one of the entrances.  They were well concealed and Clarke herself would have missed them had it not been for the intensive training she had been through in the last few months.  She stopped Saragon, silently dismounting and watching the guards.  Considering the flag hanging from the tower in the center of the city, she wasn’t surprised to see the men in Azgeda cloaks with white paint streaking their faces.  She approached slowly, not wanting them to attack her before she had the chance to even explain who she was. 

      “Hod op,” the guard on Clarke’s left yelled having caught sight of her.

      Clarke froze as they both drew their swords and started toward her.  She put her hands up, palms out to show them she was no threat.  The one who had ordered her to stop was young as he approached, looking no older then 15.  The other one was older, face marred with scars and lines revealing the hard life he had led.

      “Ai laik Klark kom Skaikru en ai gaf gouthru klir,” told them, leaving her hands up as they reached her.

      “Chit yu gaf,” the older guard asked pointing his sword at her throat.

      Reaching the extent of her knowledge of Trigedasleng, Clarke switched to English, hoping they would understand her.  “I only seek refuge, I have been traveling for quite a while.  I have been with the Azgeda in the north for months now.  Send for Kai, he will speak for me.”

      Clarke saw the men exchange glances at the mention of Kai’s name, a hint of fear crossing their gazes.  Clarke hoped they would not actually send for Kai, knowing she would be in more trouble then she could imagine if he found out she had defied his order.  After a moment, the older guard sheathed his sword, nodding at her.

      “I have heard about you, Wanheda.  There are a great many stories about your bravery at the mountain.  You saved my wife, returning her to me after years apart. Thank-you."

      Clarke struggled to keep her face neutral at his words, simply nodding once in acknowledgement.  The young guard had sheathed his sword at the mention of her nickname, his eyes going wide and mouth falling open slightly.  They both stepped aside, escorting her to the gate and opening it for her when they reached it.  As she stepped through, the older guard stopped her, placing a hand on her arm.

      “I owe you a great debt, Wanheda.  Should you need anything while you are here, please do not hesitate to ask for Eros,” he said to her, his gaze serious but grateful.

      Clarke simply nodded again, turning and proceeding into the city.  She breathed a sigh of relief as the gate closed behind her again.  Looking around, she took in the city around her, the streets cleared and quiet, even though nightfall had not completely fallen as of yet.  There was an eerie feeling in the air, a perceptible tension, as if the city and it’s people were waiting for something to go wrong.  Clarke tied Saragon up on the outskirts of the city, keeping him well hidden in the shadows between two buildings.  After ensuring he would be ok, she drew the hood of her cloak over her head, keeping her face in the shadows.  She moved along the walls of the buildings, keeping herself in the shadows as much as possible.  The only people she passed were in a rush with their heads down as they shuffled along, intent on getting to their destination.  She made it to the center of the city, unchallenged, and crouched down behind some barrels when she saw two guards walking toward her.  As they approached, she was surprised to hear them speaking English.

      “When is the execution,” the male guard asked, both of them still walking towards where Clarke was hidden.

      “The Queen said it was set for dawn.  I guess she did not want to wait and have her power called into question,” the female replied.

      “I guess not,” the male mused as they came to a stop a few feet from Clarke.  “And what of the Mountain Man?”

      Clarke froze as the words left the male guards mouth.  She didn’t know any of the mountain men had survived her actions in Mt. Weather.  Surely this man was mistaken or she had misheard him.

      The female shrugged and said, “No one knows. He has not been seen since turning the prisoner over to the Queen.”

      “‘Prisoner’…more like savage beast after what the Mountain Man did. A thousand cuts isn’t enough repayment for the blood that has been spilled.  He should die as well for creating that monster.”  The male guards features darkened as he spoke and Clarke wondered at the meaning behind his words.

      “I agree, but we must trust in the Queen.  She is our Heda now, and for good reason,” the female replied.  “In the morning, we will all have our revenge. Jus drain jus daun, no matter who you are.”

      The male guard nodded and they separated, each headed off in a different direction.  Clarke stayed put for another couple minutes, ensuring neither would return before stepping out of the shadows.  She glanced up at the tower, still a fair distance away, deciding that she would never make it near without being detected.  The closer she had come to it, the more guards she had been avoiding.  As an alternative, she began to travel a wide path around it from a few buildings back, looking for a weak point through which she could enter.  It was heavily guarded, not only on the ground level, but on every other level to include the roof.  She had never seen such a heavily guarded fortress, even when Lexa was Commander.  

      As she continued to circle, she wondered if the prisoner the guards had been talking about was housed in the tower.  Clarke wondered who they could possibly be talking about, worrying that somehow one of her people had been captured in some way at some point.  Clarke was still confused over which Mountain Man the male had been talking about, unsure of what to make of his words.  Clarke did not have to wait long for an answer, however, because on her third rotation of the tower she spotted movement from one of the upper levels.  She stopped short as she watched a well dressed man step out onto the balcony and lean on the railing there, looking out at the city.  Even at her distance, Clarke could tell it was Cage.  She should have known he hadn’t died with his people.  He was probably one of the first ones to be dosed with marrow from her people.  Clarke fought to keep the anger that burned inside of her in check as all the memories of what she had done washed over her anew.

      As she fought the anger, she had to place a hand on the wall next to her to steady herself as Nia joined Cage on the balcony, the two appearing to be deep in conversation.  It was all Clarke could do not to go running into the tower on a suicide mission to get to Cage.  Here he was, after months, looking like he had just stepped from the mountain, crisp and fresh in appearance as though what had happened to his people had no effect on him.  Clarke briefly wondered if he had anything to do with taking Lexa down, and had to bite back tears of frustration and anger as a result.  She was literally shaking, she was so upset.  Out of all the things she had expected to find in Polis, he was not one of them.  She had assumed he’d been killed when she had irradiated the mountain and seeing him now made what she had done at the mountain completely pointless.  She had truly killed all of those people for nothing.  

      She fell back against the wall of the closest building as that thought ran through her mind.  Innocent men, women, and children-hundreds of them-were dead at her hand.  After everything, the cause of that massacre was standing before her, breathing and healthy, living a life he should have lost months ago.  Clarke was reeling, incapable of movement or thoughts, slowly sliding to the ground.  She brought her knees up to her chin, resting her head on them as she slowly rocked herself back and forth trying not to completely break apart.  She sat that way for an immeasurable amount of time, just trying to gather herself.  The logical part of her brain knew she needed to keep moving, to gather as much information on why Cage was with Nia and what was going on, but the emotional side of her brain would not allow her to.

      Finally, Clarke took a deep and shuddering breath, wiping her hands across her face.  She stood slowly, stiffly walking back in the direction of the outskirts of the city.  The sky was barely beginning to lighten with the coming morning, the sunrise likely coming in the next hour or so.  Clarke thought again of the prisoner the guards had spoken of, but pushed it from her mind, less then concerned about it.  As she walked, she realized she had mistakenly gone the wrong way, all the buildings looking relatively the same.  As she turned to get her bearings, her eyes fell on what appeared to be a large wooden structure.  Curious, she began walking towards it, realizing as she drew nearer that it appeared to be some sort of arena.  She stuck to the shadows, seeing multiple guards standing at what looked like entrances dotted along the structure.  Wondering why an empty space would be so heavily guarded, Clarke circled the structure, looking for a weak spot.

      On her second rotation, she noticed a large crack under one of the wooden stands that looked like it would give her a decent view of the interior.  Looking left and right before moving, she slowly and carefully moved over to the structure, pressing herself against it and into the shadows.  She held her breath as one of the guards moved out to where she had been only moments ago.  He looked around, as if sensing her, but after a moment he returned to his post a few feet from her.  Clarke quietly exhaled and turned to press her face to the hole in the side of the wall.  At first she could see nothing, the dark nearly impossible to see through.  As Clarke was about to leave disappointed, the clouds in the sky parted, allowing dim light from the moon that remained to shine down into the arena.  

      Clarke’s eyes first landed on the large wooden pole standing ominously in the middle of the arena.  It reminded her of the tree she had seen both Finn and Gustus tied to when they had died, and she assumed this one served the same purpose.  She continued to look around, stopping as her gaze fell upon a figure in the middle of the arena, just in front of the pole and facing Clarke.  The person appeared to be a female, though Clarke couldn’t tell for sure due to the position they were in.  The figure had their head down as they knelt on the ground, but Clarke could see they were breathing heavily, as if under great strain.  As her eyes continued to travel over the person, Clarke could see what appeared to be bindings of some sort securing the individual to the ground by their wrists.  Clarke watched as they pushed their body up, still kneeling, and worked their arms, pulling with all their might against the tethers.  

      Even at her distance, Clarke could tell that it was pointless to struggle, it was evident the bindings were solid.  As the clouds moved back over the moon, casting shadows over everything, Clarke could hear the figure continuing to struggle against their restraints, indistinct grunts mixed with heavy breathing.  Clarke heard both quiet down after a time, assuming the person had finally given up.  Clarke could see the outline of their body as it collapsed back, sitting on their feet, their chest clearly heaving.  Finally, they lifted their face to the sky and let out an agonizing yell that Clarke could feel anger and frustration radiating from.  At that moment, the clouds cleared again and the light of the moon illuminated the features of the prisoner, their face covered in defeat.  Clarke gasped, fighting to remain standing as shock and disbelief crashed over her at the realization of who she had been watching struggle all this time.

      Lexa knelt before her in the arena.  Lexa was alive.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys, I just completely lost the inspiration to write this week. 
> 
> I also couldn't figure out how I wanted this next chapter to go or how the interaction should play out between the two main characters. I needed to make sure I did them justice, not wanting to disgrace the amazing relationship they've portrayed for us on screen. I hope it turned out right, I'm never too sure of myself.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

      Clarke reeled back in shock, not fully believing who she was seeing before her.  She barely regained her senses before she fell back out of the shadows and exposed herself to the guards standing only feet from her.  She clapped a hand over her mouth, more to keep from crying out in utter disbelief then anything.  _Lexa is alive!_ her mind screamed at her.  The girl that she had trusted with her people and her heart, who she had assumed was dead, was sitting on the ground mere feet from her.  Clarke pulled in deep breaths, trying to calm her nerves as waves of emotion washed over her.  The shock dissipated and gave way to relief at seeing the brunette alive and in one piece.  Bringing herself under control, she pulled her hand away from her mouth, stepping up to the crack again, as if needing to confirm that what she had seen was real.

      Lexa still knelt on the ground, wrists bound and secured to what appeared to be wooden stakes of some sort, though Clarke could not tell for sure.  Lexa’s head was bent down, her shoulders slumped forward, defeat evident in her every feature.  Clarke had never seen Lexa look so conquered, the image of the steadfast and confident Lexa she had known warring with the clearly defeated one in front of her.  Seeing Lexa like that, completely defenseless and _broken_ stirred something in Clarke, snapping her out of her reverie.  She shook her head and stood up straight, not realizing her posture had started mirroring the girl kneeling before her, folding in on itself.  Looking around, she quickly moved away from the arena, keeping to the shadows and moving with purpose back to where she had left Saragon.  Once she reached him, she checked the bag she’d left with him to double check that she had the supplies she needed in order to accomplish what she was planning.  

      Finding that she had the necessary items, she quickly untied Saragon and led him out of his hiding spot, quickly back in the direction of the arena.  The walk back down seemed to take twice as long, dragging on as she fought to keep both her and Saragon concealed from any watching eyes.  As she watched the sky growing steadily brighter in the East as they moved, she fought the urge to break into a run, knowing it would draw unwanted attention and likely thwart her efforts.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she saw the walls of the arena looming just ahead of her again.  She tied Saragon up again, just out of view of the guards standing on their posts outside the entrance.  She went into her bag, pulling out the white paint she had inside and quickly smearing it on her face, attempting to appear as “Azgeda” as possible.  Quickly finishing and wiping her hands off, she went back in her bag, pulling out a few pieces of dried meat and a stout meade she always kept on hand.  She had found a few pulls from the beverage helped lull her to sleep faster, though it always made the nightmares worse.

      Putting on her most innocent and unassuming face, she stepped out of the shadows and began walking toward the guards.  They stiffened as she approached, but visibly relaxed as they took in the paint on her face and her cloak, both clearly Azgeda.  Their faces grew excited as they realized Clarke was carrying food and alcohol to them.  

      “I was told to bring this to you,” she told them, coming to a stop in front of them.

      “We have not eaten all night, it is much appreciated,” the one on the right said taking some of the meat and eagerly taking a bite.

      “You have been out here all night with no food? You two must be true warriors to stay so dedicated on post,” Clarke said, trying not to glance over their shoulders as they continued to eat.

      “We did not have a choice, you know how the Queen is.  We would have been strung up on that tree after the former Commander.”  The guard on the left gave the other guard a warning look as the words fell freely from the man’s mouth.

      “Former Commander?  So that’s who you’ve sacrificed your sleep and hunger for?  I see even after she has fallen, she still takes as though she is in charge.”  Clarke shook her head as she said the words, knowing the bitterness she laced her tone with would earn her favor from the two men.  “Luckily that won’t be an issue much longer. Long live Queen Nia!”

      Both guards nodded their approval for her words, but were too busy chewing to respond.  As they continued to chew in silence, Clarke resisted the urge to shuffle nervously, watching the sky increasing in brightness as they ate.  

      “Hey…something…something isn’t-”  Clarke watched as the face of the guard on her left went slack and his eyes rolled up into his head, his body dropping to the ground.

      The guard on the right watched in shock, his eyes going wide as the other man fell to the ground.  He threw the food in his hands to the ground and grabbed Clarke around the throat.

      “A trick…poison…,” he struggled to get out, the drug taking effect on him as well. 

      Clarke pulled back on his hand, breaking his grip on her neck.  “Not poison, just a sedative, you’ll both be fine,” she told him as he too slumped to the ground unconscious.  

      She kicked the remaining food and drink aside, out of view and made quick work of dragging both men out of sight, hiding them in the shadows.  She ducked into the entrance of the arena, looking cautiously around for any guards on the inside.  She knew the second she stepped out of the confines of the surrounding walls, she would be exposed, no cover present in the space before her.  Seeing no one, she took a deep breath and stepped out into the space, holding her breath as she waited to be struck down by a sword or well placed arrow to the heart.  When none came, she exhaled and ran over to where Lexa was still kneeling in the dirt.  

      Crouching down in front of the brunette, Clarke took a moment to take in her appearance.  The first thing she noticed was the stench emanating from the girl.  It smelled as though Lexa had not been able to bathe in weeks, the coppery metallic smell of blood mixing with sweat and urine, each fighting to overpower the other.  In all the time that Clarke had known Lexa, the brunette had always had an appealing scent to Clarke, always fresh and clean with a hint of earthiness mixed in.  What she was smelling now had Clarke scrunching her nose up against it.  The smell, however, went hand in hand with the brunette’s appearance, which Clarke again had trouble reconciling against the images of the Commander from before the Mountain.

      Lexa’s usually well maintained braids were frayed and out of place, dirt and blood tracking through the locks.  Her hair was hanging down over her face, shielding most of it from Clarke’s view.  Though she was still looking at the ground, Clarke could see the blood spattered across the other girl’s forehead.  For the briefest of moments Clarke felt panic at the thought that it could be Lexa’s blood, but she pushed the thought aside, knowing she needed to focus.  As her eyes continued their assessment of Lexa, Clarke saw fresh blood around the bindings on her wrists, evidence of Lexa pulling at the restraints.  Seeing they weren’t serious wounds, Clarke moved on, taking in the clothing that hung in shambles off Lexa’s body.  It was ripped and tattered, also caked with dirt and dried blood.  Again, Clarke wondered where all the blood had come from and what horrors Lexa had been forced to endure at the hands of Nia.  Swallowing, she finally found the courage to speak.

      “Lexa…”  It came out as barely a whisper, but she saw the girl stir briefly in response, her body twitching.

       When Lexa still didn’t look up at her, she placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder, hoping the contact would force Lexa to look up.

      “Lexa,” she said more firmly this time, squeezing the girl’s shoulder as she did so.

      This time, she felt definite movement under her hand and watched as Lexa rolled her shoulders.  Her hands came up but were immediately stopped by the bindings.  Unconsciously, Lexa pulled against them briefly, almost like she was making sure they were still secure.  Seeing that they were, she dropped her hands to her sides, leaving them to hang limply as blood again flowed from her wrists at the movements.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Lexa slowly lifted her head to face Clarke.  Clarke could not help the gasp that escaped her lips, or the shock that covered her face as she looked at Lexa.  The brunette’s face was completely covered in dried blood, the right side of her face covered in what appeared to be fresh bruises.  Her lips were cracked and dry, parted slightly as Lexa breathed heavily.  Her cheeks were hollow, the skin over them clinging to the perfectly shaped bone beneath them.  Clarke’s heart ached at the sight of the clearly starving girl, her gaze barely finding the courage to meet Lexa’s eyes. 

      Clarke fought the urge to fall back as she took in Lexa’s eyes, unnerved at what she saw in them.  Lexa’s expression was blank, her once vibrant green eyes now dark and vacant.  It was as if she were staring right through Clarke, unable to see the blonde crouched directly in front of her.  There was no light behind her eyes, no emotion, and no recognition.  The whites of her eyes were blood red, and her eyes were rimmed with red, as though the girl had not been sleeping either.  As Clarke continued to stare, she realized Lexa’s whole body was trembling.  It was barely perceptible, but if Clarke focused, she could make out the slight vibrations running through the other girl’s body.  It was as if Lexa were fighting some internal war with herself, the strain of it manifesting in the tremors.

      As Clarke wondered what could have caused the shaking-exhaustion, hunger, something internal- Lexa’s expression slowly began to change.  Clarke watched as it morphed from completely passive to burning rage.  Lexa’s eyes moved from the point she had been staring at over Clarke’s shoulder to meet Clarke’s gaze, locking there.  Lexa’s lips curled back in a snarl, the hatred and anger seeping from every pore in her body.  Clarke fell back as the brunette lunged at her, yelling out in frustration as the ropes held her back.  Clarke watched in horror as Lexa thrashed against the bonds, still yelling, fighting with all her might to break them and get to Clarke.  The brunette was wild- feral even- as she struggled, behavior that Clarke had only ever seen in one other person before- Lincoln as a Reaper.

      Clarke struggled to focus, her mind spinning as the thought took hold and her mind tried to process what she was seeing before her.  The girl strained against her bonds, yelling out in rage- this was not the Lexa that Clarke had known.  This was not the Lexa that had left her at the Mountain, betraying Clarke and her people.  Clarke did not recognize the wild creature that fought in outrage against the bonds tying her to the ground.  Clarke suddenly realized why Cage was in Polis and seemed to be in good standing with Nia even though he was a Mountain Man. They must have been working together to bring Lexa down.  Anger burned inside of her chest, boiling her insides as she imagined what Lexa must have suffered at the hands of Cage and Nia.  She also wondered what the people of Polis had endured as the two had taken over Polis.  Clarke had seen a few charred buildings as she had wandered, but had thought nothing of it, assuming it was left from the Great War.  Now, though, it was all beginning to make sense.  The Grounders had not gone down without a fight, they had not willingly allowed Nia to take power and strike down their Heda.  Clarke assumed they had paid greatly for that.  

      A grunt brought her back to the present, chasing her thoughts of the people of Polis away.  She watched as her worst nightmares became reality, trying to grapple with the fact that the girl she had once known was essentially dead, a Reaper taking her place and using her body.  Clarke scrambled back a few feet, putting space between her and the brunette, fearing that the bonds might give way, watching how Lexa tore at them.  She shook her head, trying to gather her senses and think about her next step.  Standing, she moved quickly out of the arena and back to where she had tied Saragon up.  Looking in her pack again, she pulled out a piece of cloth and the mixture of anesthetic that she had used on the guards earlier.  She had no idea what she was thinking, not even knowing if the mixture would work on a Reaper.  She only knew she had to try.  Covering her face and laying the cloth down on the ground, she sprinkled the tan powder onto the cloth, making sure it was covered before picking it up and running back to the arena. 

      She knelt down behind Lexa, who had stopped fighting for the moment, choosing to instead kneel on the ground with her face down again.  Clarke silently begged for forgiveness before lifting the cloth over Lexa’s head and wrapping it around the other girl’s face, covering it completely.  The reaction was immediate this time, Lexa rising up against Clarke’s hands, throwing her head around trying to get the cover off her face.  She screamed in outrage, trying to bring her hands up to fight but being unable to due to the ropes.  For once, Clarke was thankful the girl was tied down.  Lexa struggled longer than Clarke anticipated, the strain of keeping the brunettes face wrapped wearing on the blonde’s hands and arms.  Finally, Lexa began to calm, her breathing evening out as she slipped into unconsciousness.  Clarke caught her as her body collapsed down on itself, laying Lexa’s head gently on the ground.  She fought the urge to brush a strand of hair away from the sleeping girls cheek, her hand hovering over the girl’s face.  

      Standing, Clarke ran back out and untied Saragon, bringing him into the arena.  Clarke drew to one of her knives and quickly severed both ropes binding Lexa’s wrists.  She cut them as close to the stakes as possible, knowing the rope would be necessary in the coming days.  Rolling Lexa onto her side, Clarke sat her up and threw the upper half of Lexa’s body over her shoulder.  Clarke crouched for a moment, preparing herself to lift the girl, who was now dead weight.  She took a deep breath in and held it as she pushed off the ground with all her might, surprised when she found Lexa was not as heavy as she had anticipated.  The girl had definitely lost weight, Clarke able to feel her ribs as they rested on her shoulder.  

      Turning to Saragon, she gently pushed Lexa over his back, turning her so she rested on her stomach and her hands and feet hung off either side of the horse.  After securing Lexa to Saragon with the ropes still around her wrists, she grabbed the reins around Saragon’s head and led him quickly from the arena.  As they emerged back out into the city, Clarke realized that dawn was only minutes away.  She could hear the early morning movements of the city waking up to greet another day.  She cast a nervous look around, knowing the moment someone saw a girl slung across the back of a horse, it would garner unwanted attention.  She picked up her pace, not bothering to keep to the few remaining shadows, favoring expediency over caution.  As she passed what she assumed to be merchant stalls, she pulled one of the sheets from the stall, throwing it over Lexa’s body.  Knowing it wouldn’t truly conceal the girl, Clarke continued on quickly, watching as the first rays of sunlight broke over the horizon behind them.

      Luckily, they didn’t come across any guards as she practically ran through the streets, only passing a few Grounders who were still half asleep and too busy readying for the day to pay them much mind.  Clarke quietly thanked the gods as she saw the gate she had entered through looming ahead of them.  As they drew nearer, she cursed silently as she saw guards standing post, barring her exit.  She led Saragon into the shadows of a nearby home, trying to think of how to get out of the city undetected.  

      After a minute, a thought struck her and she ripped off a piece of the sheet hanging over Lexa.  Balling it up, she walked over to one of the many lanterns hanging off the buildings.  Clarke had no idea what kept the lanterns burning, all she knew was it offered her an open flame, which she was in desperate need of.  Catching the ball of cloth on fire, she tossed it into a hay pile across the street, instantly catching it on fire.  It spread quickly, catching the wooden building next to it on fire as well.  Knowing it was likely someone was inside the building, Clarke moved to the middle of the street, not wishing to add more names to the growing list of dead already attributed to her.

      “Faya! Sis ai au!”  Clarke yelled as loud as she could, jumping and waving her arms to get the attention of the guards.  “Faya!”

      Seeing her, they immediately ran over, bypassing her and running into the building that was currently fully involved.  She prayed no one would get hurt, but knew she was doing what she had to in order to get Lexa out of the city safely.  She grabbed Saragon and swiftly made her way out of the gates while the guards and city people focused on the distraction she had created.  She paused before emerging into the open space between the wall and the forest, looking around for outside scouts.  Seeing none, she took a couple steps out, leaving Saragon and Lexa behind.  She closed her eyes, waiting for an assault of some kind.  When none came, she opened her eyes, searching the apparently vacant forest.  Satisfied, she turned and grasped Saragon’s reigns again, leading him out of the city and into the forest beyond it.

      A few steps into the forest, she heard a groan from under the sheet covering Saragon.  Clarke froze, hoping she was just hearing things.  There was no way that Lexa could be waking up.  She’d thrown enough powder on that cloth to knock a man three times her size out for a full day.  As she held her breath, another sound, this one a horn, rose over them.  Clarke knew in her gut someone had discovered that Lexa was gone.  She knew if they didn’t keep moving, they would be overrun by warriors in no time.  She cringed as another groan cut through the otherwise quiet morning air.  She quickly moved to her pack, pulling out the remainder of the powder, which wasn’t much.  Tearing another strip off the sheet, she laid it out on the ground, sprinkling more of the tan powder over it.  As she moved to stand, she saw Lexa squirming beneath the sheet.  Before she could move, Lexa managed to slide off Saragon, and fell to the ground with a crash, landing on her knees.  Her hands were still held fast by the ropes around Saragon, but Clarke had not tied them as tightly, not wishing to further injure the girl.

      This quickly became apparent as Lexa pulled her wrists free in one jerk, falling over with the effort.  Clarke moved over her, intent on covering Lexa’s face before she could move any further.  As she brought the cloth down, some part of Lexa recognized what was happening and shoved Clarke’s hands away roughly, pushing Clarke away in the process.  Clarke stumbled back, only saving herself from falling over by catching herself on the tree behind her.  She watched in horror as Lexa stood and faced her, rage burning in her eyes and causing her body to visibly shake with the emotion.  Dropping the sheet, she freed her hands and brought them up to protect herself as Lexa launched herself at the blonde.

      Lexa’s fist caught Clarke in the side of the head, but was only glancing thanks to Clarke throwing her own hand up at the last second to block the brunt of it.  Clarke ducked under Lexa’s next punch, delivering a well placed blow of her own to the brunette’s ribs.  Lexa doubled over at the strike, her hands folding over her chest in response.  She looked up at Clarke, eyes burning with hate.  Lexa charged again, screaming in rage as her hands snaked around Clarke’s waist and pulled the blonde to the ground.  They crashed harshly on the dirt behind them, Clarke’s back hitting the tree roots growing from the ground and causing her breath to rush from her lungs.  She was dazed, but managed to stay conscious as Lexa climbed atop her and her hands wrapped around Clarke’s throat.  

      Her eyes bulged in surprise as Lexa squeezed harder and harder, immediately cutting off Clarke’s air supply.  She gasped for air, clawing at Lexa’s hands.  There was nothing in Lexa’s eyes, not even a hint of a second thought as she choked the life from Clarke.  The rage burned and Clarke knew that Lexa was truly gone in this moment, only the Reaper left behind to wreak havoc.  Her feet finding purchase on an upturned root, Clarke was able to gain enough leverage to push herself up off the ground, surprising Lexa and toppling her off of Clarke.  Clarke rolled, immediately jumping on top of Lexa this time, expertly pinning the girl’s hands down with her knees.  Clarke thanked Kai’s training as she drew one of her knives and pressed it to Lexa’s throat.  Lexa froze as the cold steel touched the sensitive flesh of her throat, the threat clear even to a Reaper. 

      Clarke worked to catch her breath, looking down at Lexa, who was also breathing heavily.  Clarke tore her gaze away, refusing to be distracted by the girl.  Her attention was caught by the brown strip of sheet containing the powder laying just above Lexa’s head.  As she leaned forward to grab it, Lexa shifted as if trying to wriggle free.  Clarke immediately froze and brought the knife down harder on the brunette’s throat, nearly drawing blood.  Lexa stilled once more and Clarke’s hand found the sheet, though she didn’t take her eyes off Lexa, watching for her to make a move.  

      As she pulled the sheet closer, Lexa suddenly picked her head up, the knife cutting into her throat and drawing blood as a result.  Clarke quickly lessened her pressure on it, but Lexa only rose further to meet it, causing the blade to cut deeper.  Clarke’s eyes widened in panic as her eyes locked on Lexa’s again.  For the first time since Clarke had seen her, Lexa’s eyes held an emotion other then anger-desperation.  As Clarke looked into her eyes, she thought she saw just a hint of recognition flash across them before Lexa pushed her head forward again.  Clarke pressed the powder soaked sheet to Lexa’s nose and mouth, hoping it would work quickly.  Lexa did not fight this time instead letting her head fall back on the ground, knife still pressed against her throat.  Clarke felt the other girl’s mouth working beneath her hand and she moved the portion of the sheet that covered her mouth.  Lexa opened her mouth and her throat worked, no sound coming out, as if the girl had forgotten how to speak.  After a moment of silent struggle, one broken and emotion-filled word fell from Lexa’s mouth.

      “Beja,” Lexa implored, almost too quietly to be heard.

      Clarke’s heart broke at the single word, the utter agony behind it crashing over her.  All the pain that Lexa had endured- and continued to endure- was communicated in that one single word, whispered like a prayer to the one person who could never give her what she wished for.  Clarke had never heard Lexa beg for anything, least of all thinking she would ever see the girl in this position, begging Clarke to end her suffering.  Clarke removed the knife from Lexa’s throat, feeling the girl’s body beginning to relax beneath hers as she succumbed to the effects of the powder.  Lexa’s breathing began to slow, evening out, as her eyes began to flutter closed.  As Lexa’s head rolled to the side, the last of the tension leaving her body as she slipped into unconsciousness once more, Clarke leaned down and whispered in her ear.

      “ _Nowe._ ”

**XXX**

  
****

      The rest of the day passed in relative peace, Clarke forgoing rest periods in favor of putting distance between them and Polis.  At first she had been unsure of where she would go, realizing she had not fully thought through the ramifications of her actions, only .  She had quickly decided on a destination, knowing it was reckless but also the only safe place they were near.  Clarke had decided to loosely tie the cloth around Lexa’s nose and mouth this time, ensuring the girl would remain unconscious by constantly breathing in the anesthetic.  Clarke had never used the powder for a prolonged period of time, generally needing only a small dose to knock out a grown man.  As a result, she had feared Lexa may stop breathing so she had sat the girl atop Saragon and had settled behind her, allowing the weight of Lexa’s body to lean against her as they rode.  

      The silence gave Clarke time to think and process everything that had happened in the past few hours.  She had betrayed Kai, one of the only Grounders she respected within the Azgeda clan.  She was truly sorry about that, and only wished that he would understand one day.  She had surprised herself by saving Lexa, not quite sure why she had done so.  She shook her head at the thought, trying to understand her own actions.  She looked down at the sleeping girl resting against her chest, locks of brunette hair falling across her face.  For once, she looked at peace and Clarke wondered if she would ever be able to find peace in sleep again.  She knew that all was not forgiven between them- Clarke still harbored quite a bit of anger for Lexa, could feel it still burning in her stomach- but she knew she could not have left the brunette to die in that arena.  Clarke reasoned that she had saved Lexa for her own selfish reasons because she desired some kind of closure that only Lexa could give her; another, smaller, part of her knew there was another reason she had saved the girl.

      As the sun began to sink lower in the sky, dusk settling around them, Clarke was grateful when she recognized the forest ahead of them, knowing they would make their destination prior to being completely enveloped in the dark.  Clarke slowed Saragon as they drew closer to what Clarke had been looking for, bones and maggot riddled corpses littering the ground.  They tread carefully and quietly, Clarke keeping a watchful eye for any movement in the trees.  The forest had become more dense and Saragon had trouble weaving between the trees and rocks, his progress seeming painfully slow to Clarke.  However, she did not rush him, knowing he was her only chance of getting Lexa to safety.  As the terrain became more rocky and treacherous, the half eaten and rotting carcass’ grew in number the further in they travelled.  As they drew near the manmade enclosure, Clarke dismounted, leaving Lexa slumped over top of Saragon.  Making sure Saragon stayed in place, Clarke found what she was looking for in the form of a metal door, twisted and half hanging off it’s hinges.  She drew her sword as she cautiously entered the enclosure, knowing what might be waiting for her on the other side.  

      As she walked through the door into the open space before her, she found it empty.  Walking through the space, she fought the chill that ran up her spine, memories of the last time she and Lexa had been here running through her mind.  She forced them aside and made herself focus on clearing the space ahead of her.  She reached the other side of the space and looked at the large metal door that had been ripped completely from it’s hinges.  Taking a deep breath, she stepped over the threshold, waiting to be obliterated in one single crushing sweep.  She exhaled in relief when she found the area to also be empty.  The whole area was encased in metal walls, some of them with bars running around the top portion allowing a small bit of light to flow through.  Moss and cobwebs covered the majority of the area, it’s disuse apparent.  

      Replacing her sword in it’s sheath, she turned and quickly returned to Saragon.  Lexa had not moved, which she took as a good sign.  She led Saragon into the first opening, tying him up as close to the second room as possible so that she could keep an eye on him from there.  She then moved to slide Lexa from atop him, carefully letting the brunette’s body rest on the ground for a moment while she pulled the saddle and equipment off of Saragon, settling him in.  Once she was finished, she walked back over to Lexa and grabbed her under both arms, dragging her into the second room.  She pulled Lexa to the center of the room, to a metal fixture that was firmly rooted in the cement below it.  She gently sat the girl against it, and left the room to retrieve the ropes she had kept from earlier.  She returned and securely bound Lexa’s hands over her head with the rope, making sure Lexa would not be able to pull free when she woke.

      Knowing the powder would be wearing off in no time, Clarke left Lexa to search the woods for the ingredients she would need to create more.  While she searched, she was able to gather nuts and berries, but did not see one other living creature.  The stillness of the forest made her uneasy, but she pushed it aside, instead focusing on trying to find the necessary ingredients for the anesthetic.  Unable to find the right plant and unwilling to venture too far in case danger approached, Clarke gave in for the night and returned to the makeshift shelter.  As she stepped into the first room with Saragon, she could hear struggling coming from the other room along with grunting.  As she walked through the second door, she saw Lexa pulling her hands, trying to break them free and causing her wrists to bleed yet again.

      “Stop pulling, you’re only going to hurt yourself further,” Clarke told her as she crouched down alongside the brunette.  

      Her words had no effect on Lexa, the girl straining with all her might against the ropes.  Clarke could see that Lexa was beyond sense, her mind overtaken by the effects of the Red still coursing through her veins.  Thinking back on when they had saved Lincoln, Clarke knew it would likely be a few more hours until the drug started to wear off and withdrawal set in.  Clarke knew she would get no sleep once that happened, knowing she would have to watch Lexa constantly to make sure the girl didn’t die as she fought the effects of the withdrawal.  If she was even willing to fight… 

      Lexa’s final word haunted Clarke.  She had never heard Lexa sound so broken and vulnerable, the single word holding enough emotion and desperation to break Clarke’s heart all over again in an entirely new way.  Clarke had never heard the girl beg for anything, never in a million years expecting that she would.  Lexa was not the begging type, entirely too proud and knowing it was a sign of weakness.  She wasn’t sure Lexa would fight, whatever she had endured clearly a crushing weight upon the brunette’s shoulders.  Clarke was not going to let her lose this fight though, not to Cage and certainly not to the Reaper.  Clarke had felled the mountain and refused to allow it to take yet another life from her.

      Taking a seat in the the corner opposite Lexa, Clarke faced her, letting her mind wander.  She could feel the exhaustion sitting in her bones, not having slept for nearly two days.  As she continued to watch Lexa struggle, she felt herself relaxing and her lids growing heavy.  She was safe in the knowledge that Lexa would not escape and that they were well hidden from those that hunted them.  Only fools ventured into the lair of the Pauna _._   She was asleep within seconds.

 

**XXX**

 

      Clarke’s sleep was fraught with nightmares, as usual, and she woke with a start.  Her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath and calm her racing heart.  Sweat poured down her face and back as she looked around trying to get her bearings and remember where she was.  She stilled when her eyes landed on Lexa’s figure, slumped over and head down.  Clarke scrambled to her feet, moving towards the girl to make sure she was still alive.  Feeling her neck for a pulse, Clarke momentarily fought off hysteria when she couldn’t find one.  Looking, she could see the very subtle rise and fall of Lexa’s chest.  It was barely visible, and too slow to be normal, but it was there.  Clarke breathed a sigh of relief as her fingers finally felt the faint pulse present in the girls neck.  She sat back on her heels and ran a hand through her hair, still attempting to control her own stuttering heart.  

      Watching Lexa for a moment, long enough to be satisfied that she wasn’t too near death, she rechecked the ropes before turning and leaving the shelter once again.  The early rays of sunlight filtered down through the thick forest, letting Clakre know another day had begun.  Again, the forest was eerily quiet, no birds to be heard or animals to be seen.  Using the moss on the trees to point her in the right direction, she quickly found a small creek running about a quarter mile north.  Sighing, she quickly stripped, looking forward to losing herself in the quickly moving water.  

      She stepped into the creek, shivering as the water flowed over her skin, cold but clear.  She submersed herself, reveling in the noiselessness that she found under the surface of the water.  She could pretend that the world had faded away and that she no longer had any worries or responsibilities.  Clarke remained suspended under the water, allowing herself to float along, her feet scraping the bottom of the creek bed.  She could feel fish swimming around her and made a mental note to try and catch some before heading back to Lexa.  When she could no longer hold her breath, she broke the surface of the water, shaking the remaining droplets from her face with a shake of her head.  

      She scrubbed at her body, trying to wash as much dirt off as possible, the task made significantly harder due to the lack of soap and wash rag.  Satisfied after a few minutes work, she walked out of the creek, dripping everywhere.  Luckily, she had thought to bring the sheet she’d stolen from the stand yesterday and used it to dry herself.  Putting her clothes back on, she looked back at the creek, watching the fish moving in it.  Knowing she was generally terrible at catching fish without a net, she rolled her pants up and walked into the water until it was just below her knees.  She took the sheet and rinsed it out in the water before weighing down two corners with rocks along the bed.  She stood perfectly still holding the other two corners just above the surface of the water, forming a roughly fashioned net.  She waited as the fish grew accustomed to the foreign object and her, swimming closer rather than darting away.  

      She fought against the urge to squirm as her feet were tickled by the passing fish, knowing any movement would cause them to dart away.  She held her breath, waiting for the right moment as she watched a whole school of fish making their way toward her roughly constructed net.  As they swam closer, she took her opportunity to pounce, moving her hands and the top end of the sheet into the water, bringing it down over top of them.  She grabbed the ends that were weighted down and brought both ends out of the water, throwing the whole sheet to the shore, water flying everywhere.  She instantly regretted the choice to put her clothing back on, every piece now drenched.  

      Climbing back out of the creek, she knelt down by the sheet, hoping it had been worth it.  As she pulled back one of the corners, she found three fish flopping in the air, struggling for breath.  She almost laughed at the pitifulness of her haul, catching only three out of the hundreds of fish that had been in the school.  She knew she had no more time to waste, needing to get back to Lexa to make sure the girl remained alive.  She also had no idea when the Pauna would be back, if at all.  She couldn’t leave the brunette defenseless and tied up, a meal just waiting for the taking for the creature.  She quickly filled the animal skin container she had brought with her, and threw it into the middle of the sheet with the fish.  Pulling all the corners of the sheet together, she picked up everything and slung it over her shoulder, making her way back to the enclosure she had settled them in.  

      She collected kindling on her way back, knowing she would need to build a fire if she intended to dry out her clothes.  She had noticed the nights were growing colder as well, even this far south.  Keeping her eyes open for threats as she walked back, she breathed a sigh of relief as she reached the camp without any issues.  It was going on a whole day that they had gone without seeing the Pauna, and that bothered her more then anything.  

      Lexa was still sleeping when she returned, her head lolling to one side, her hair once again hanging over her face.  Clarke couldn’t stop herself this time, needing to see the other girl’s face.  She reached out and brushed the brunette strands aside, her fingers tracing Lexa’s cheek as it passed, before tucking them securely behind her ear.  Her fingers tingled at the contact, not having allowed herself the comfort of physical contact with anyone since Mt. Weather.  Lexa’s brows furrowed briefly, Clarke nearly missing the movement, but she showed no other sign of consciousness.  Clarke marveled at the beauty that Lexa’s face held in sleep, despite the bruises marring the entire right side of it.  Her breath stilled in her lungs and her hand lingered, suspended in the space between them as if trying to decide it’s next move, fighting with both her head and heart.  Clarke’s was still torn between wanting to hate the Commander who had betrayed her and caring for the girl who sat peacefully before her.  

      After a moment, when Clarke realized she had been staring, she shook her head and pulled her hand back, standing up.  She looked around, as if expecting to see someone watching their exchange, but chuckled to herself when she realized they were still alone.  She moved over to the corner, settling back down.  Glancing at Lexa one more time, she pulled the fish over to her and set to work cleaning them.  She lost herself in the work, knowing it would likely be hours before Lexa woke. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been slow with posting the last couple weeks, it's just been difficult for me to sit and write anything down. I struggled a lot with this chapter and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
> 
> Let me know what you think and, as always, all grammar/spelling mistakes are my own.

      Lexa stirred a few hours later, twitching against the ropes that held her in place, her face contorting into a mask of pain and fear, a faint whimper escaping her lips.  Clarke had thought she was finally waking up, but quickly realized the girl was having a nightmare.  Clarke stood and walked over to the brunette, who was still moving, as if trying to fight off the demons that existed within her own mind.  Clarke knelt before her and placed a hand on Lexa’s thigh, giving it a slight squeeze, trying to wake the girl.  The effect was immediate, Lexa stilling under the pressure of her hand, her face smoothing into a peaceful look once again, but she did not wake.  Clarke paused, not sure what to make of Lexa’s reaction.  Surely she could not have such an effect on the other girl.  She didn’t move her hand though, content to sit with the girl as she fell back into a peaceful slumber.  It was hard to be angry with her when she looked so peaceful and childlike.

      Clarke carefully sat next to the girl, mindful to leave her hand where it was as she too leaned back against the metal postings.  She turned her head and stared at Lexa, taking in the girls smooth features, still covered in dried blood and smudged war paint, wondering what the girl was dreaming of.  She could not imagine what she had been through with Cage or Nia, her mind unable to sink to that level of evil.  Clarke wondered how Lexa had ended up falling victim to Cage, and by association, the Red.  The guilt at killing so many innocents but seeing Cage still walking around and breathing, still hurting people she cared about, weighed heavily on her shoulders.  She tilted her head up to the open bars over head, losing herself in the way the sunlight filtered through the trees overhead as she fought the urge to break down.  Swallowing her guilt and the tears that always threatened to spill at the memory of the mountain, Clarke closed her eyes and tried to relax, telling her mind to focus on the present and the girl sleeping next to her.  Clarke dozed off in seconds, the exhaustion from the past few days still present, even after her night of restless sleep.  

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa woke slowly, as if she had been sleeping for years, not just mere hours.  She blinked her eyes slowly, trying to clear the sleep from them, her mind still muddled.  Her throat was dry, her lips cracked.  There was a gnawing hunger in her stomach and she could feel the starts of what she assumed would eventually be a massive headache.  When she went to move her hands to wipe at her face, she found them restrained over her head.  Still disoriented, she looked up, seeing them bound by ropes to some type of metal contraption.  Blood was dried in rivulets running from her wrists and down her arms.  She could see blood soaked into the ropes as well, turning them to a deeper shade of brown.  She shook her head, trying to clear it and remember where she was.  Looking around, she tensed as she recognized the cage she was in, realizing she had been moved from one hell to another.  Looking around in a panic, she froze as her gaze fell on the person lying across her lap.  

      Blond hair with hints of pink running through it was splayed out in a disorganized fashion around the girls face, one of her arms thrown across Lexa’s legs.  The blonde’s body laid out on the ground beside Lexa, her face resting in the dirt beneath it.  She was snuggled up tightly against Lexa as she sat on the ground and the girl appeared to be sleeping, though her face was too covered by the wild hair for Lexa to be sure.  Lexa shook her head again, sure she must be dreaming.  Either that, or the gods were playing a cruel joke on her.  As her mind raced, she felt the girl stirring next to her, also waking.  She felt the girl tense as she realized how she was laying.  Lexa watched as the girl turned her head to look up at Lexa, the hair falling away from her face to allow deep blue eyes to meet green.  Lexa stopped breathing as Clarke stared at her, both of them frozen and waiting for the other to react.  Clarke moved first, sitting up quickly and pulling her arm back.  She scooted away a couple feet as she realized Lexa was awake.

      “I-uh-um-” Lexa watched in quiet amusement as Clarke fought for words, seeing the redness creeping up her neck towards her face.

      Lexa stared at her in silence, patiently waiting for the girl to compose herself.  She focused on fighting the growing pain in her limbs and the nausea in her stomach as Clarke’s gaze darted around the camp trying to look anywhere but at the brunette.  Lexa recognized the signs of withdrawal beginning to set in and part of her still hoped she was dreaming, not sure she had the strength to fight the drug’s hold on her.  Clarke cleared her throat, pulling Lexa from her worried thoughts and back to the present.  She watched as Clarke’s lips and throat worked, trying to formulate an actual sentence this time.

      “You’re safe.” The words echoed in the silence between them, the significance of that exact phrase not lost on Lexa.  They were the same words she had uttered to Clarke the last time they had been in these woods.  

      Lexa continued to stare at her in silence, still unsure if she could trust what she was seeing in front of her.  Sensing her uneasiness, Clarke moved forward and placed a hand on her thigh, letting the warmth and the pressure radiate to Lexa.  

      “I promise you, we are safe here.” Clarke held Lexa’s gaze, the sincerity of her words reinforced by the silent look in her eyes.  “No one would be foolish enough to come within a mile of these woods.”

      Lexa swallowed, the dryness of her throat making itself apparent as she sputtered and rasped out a cough.  Her whole body racked with the force of it, her hands pulling on the ropes as she coughed.  She felt a cool hand on her chin, lifting her face and again met Clarke’s eyes as the blonde offered her water from an animal skin flask.  Lexa drank deeply, the water burning as it went down, causing a whole new wave of coughs.  When she finally stopped coughing and sat still, she felt Clarke’s hand absentmindedly wipe at the water that had dribbled down her chin during the fit, her touch sending shivers down Lexa’s spine.  Clarke’s hand froze in midair as she realized what she was doing.  She stared at the appendage as though it had a mind of it’s own.  In her better days, Lexa probably would have laughed at the look of confusion and betrayal Clarke had on her face as she stared at her hand, still hanging in the space between them.

      Lexa found herself staring at Clarke, caught up in the blonde sitting before her, the one person she had thought she would never see again.  She was still in a haze, the last remaining bits of the drug still circulating through her system.  She was having trouble believing that what she was seeing was true, knowing the drug had caused hallucinations in the past.  She blinked a few times, surprised when Clarke was still crouched in front of her, expecting the girl to disappear.  She drank in the sight of her, trying to memorize every detail.  

      She allowed her eyes to wander freely, the drug making her bolder then she normally would have been.  Lexa studied the way Clarke’s hair fell over her shoulders, longer then Lexa had ever seen it, falling well beyond her shoulders.  There were random braids running through it, along with pink streaks.  Clarke’s skin had a slightly weathered look to it, as if her recent days had been rough on her.  Lexa watched as the blonde’s brow drew together in clear concern as she watched Lexa stare at her in silence.  Lexa looked at Clarke’s eyes, seeing the concern written them.  She also saw something else behind the concern, a hardness and distance that Lexa knew all too well.  She knew that look developed with the difficulties of life experiences and  Lexa knew she was at least somewhat responsible for the new look.

      As Lexa’s gaze traveled down, she took in the well fitting shirt Clarke wore, her top couple buttons undone to reveal a deep neckline and the sun kissed skin beneath it.  Moving down, her gaze fell on the even better fitting brown leather pants Clarke was wearing, accentuating every curve her long legs had to give.  Finally, Lexa’s gaze settled on the boots, just barely noticing the hilt of knives sticking out the tops of each one.  Swallowing, she slowly looked back up, meeting Clarke’s eyes once more.  The blonde was still looking at her with concern in her eyes, the emotion marring her features.  A small part of her brain marveled at how this girl could care for her after everything she had done and everything she had become. 

      Lexa ducked her head, scrunching her brows together as a wave of pain wracked her body, her muscles clenching involuntarily.  It was not a dream.  Clarke was here, sitting in front of her, _caring_ for her even.  That also meant the withdrawal was not a dream, an involuntary groan escaping her as another wave of pain rolled through her body.  Her hands pulled again at their bindings, the ropes cutting deeply into the already burning wounds.  She gathered herself enough to chance a look at the blonde, watching as fear overtook the concern on the blonde’s face.

      Lexa tried to clear the fuzz in her brain long enough to reassure Clarke she was ok, that everything was going to be alright.  Her efforts were quickly rebuked however, when her body was seized up by another wave of pain, sweat quickly forming on her brow.  Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, her mouth open in a silent “O” as she struggled to breathe through the pain. It felt like every nerve ending was on fire and each muscle clenched, trying to fight the pain.  Through the haze of pain, she felt Clarke’s cool hand on her forehead, saw the briefest flash of panic in her eyes before she hid it.

      “You’re starting to go into withdrawal, and you’re burning up”  Clarke bit her bottom lip, an internal debate apparent in her eyes.  

      Making a decision, she stood and untied Lexa’s hands, bringing them down to rest at her side.  Lexa, weak from the effects of the drug and lack of food, simply let her hands fall to the ground.  She watched as Clarke fastened the ropes to the bottom of the metal contraption Lexa was sitting against, allowing Lexa to sit more comfortably.  It also gave her the option to lie on the ground if she so chose to.  Lexa closed her eyes against the pain as it radiated through her body once more, swallowing the urge to vomit.  Her head was now pounding, the headache on a level she had not experienced since the days when she used to drink heavily to try and forget Costia.  She felt her stomach rolling, this time powerless to stop the bile rising in her throat.  She turned quickly, facing away from Clarke and moving to all fours as she heaved and stomach acid burned up her throat.  She was vaguely aware of Clarke scooping her hair away from her face as she continued to heave.  Not having eaten in the past few days, Lexa continued to dry heave long after stomach acid had stopped coming up.  Finally finishing a couple minutes after it began, Lexa stayed on all fours just trying to catch her breath.  

      Finally, Lexa turned back around, facing Clarke.  Clarke offered Lexa a cloth to wipe her mouth and the animal skin, which Lexa took gratefully.  She took a sip of the water, rinsing out her mouth.  She took it and wiped her mouth off, looking back at the blonde and nodding once in gratitude, knowing words would be impossible as she still struggled to even out her breathing.  Clarke took the items back from her, her face covered in concern and worry.  Looking at it, Lexa felt a wave of shame overtake her as she imagined how weak and pathetic she must appear.  Not being able to look at Clarke any longer, the shame too overwhelming, she laid on the ground and closed her eyes.  Her whole body was shaking from the pain, fever, and exhaustion.  Closing her eyes, she fought back frustrated tears.  She felt so utterly defeated and hated Clarke seeing her this way.  Sweat was pouring off of her now, running down her face and into the ground below her.  It soaked into what little tattered clothing she had covering her, drenching her and chilling her further.  

      The pain grew, and she bit back another groan, already embarrassed enough and not wanting to show Clarke any further weakness.  She opened her eyes as she felt a hand beneath her head.  She looked up at Clarke as the blonde settled her legs beneath Lexa’s head, supporting it.  Clarke looked down at her solemnly, a knowing look behind her eyes.  She stroked Lexa’s hair back and out of her face, her hand playing through the strands.  Pulling the flask of water and a piece of cloth over to her, she wet the cloth and began wiping at Lexa’s face.  The blood and dirt came away easily and Lexa wished her sins were as easily cleaned.  The cool water on her face felt amazing as the fever raged within her.  She ducked her head and clenched her fists as her muscles tensed again, pain sweeping through her body.  She bit her bottom lip to keep from calling out, sweat springing up on her brow at the effort to stay quiet.  As the pain eased once more, she opened her eyes, to find Clarke staring down at her again.

      “It’s only us here,” Clarke told her quietly, still wiping at her brow.  “You don’t need to be strong for me, I know how much this hurts.  I will not think any less of you,” Clarke reassured her.

      Lexa blinked at Clarke, realizing that even after all this time, the blonde could still read her better than anyone she had even known, even Costia.  The moment was fleeting as another wave of pain struck Lexa, this time too much for her to hold back.  She let out a cry as she curled in on herself, her knees coming up to her chest and her fists clenching once again.  Her whole body trembled, the shock of the pain and fever growing.  Sweat continued to pour off her body, and yet she couldn’t control the shivering, her body twitching violently.  The fever caused her to simultaneously feel as though she were burning up and freezing, her teeth chattering shamelessly, the only noise in the small enclosure.

       She opened her eyes as she felt Clarke move away from her, instantly missing the warmth and support the girl had been offering.  Before she could even rest her face back on the cold ground though, Clarke was settling back down, picking her head up to rest it on her legs once more.  Lexa felt a heavy blanket of some sort settle around her, the warmth it offered instantaneous.  She reached a hand out from underneath it, searching the air.  Sensing what she was looking for, Clarke grasped her hand, holding onto it tightly and moving both hands beneath the cover.  Lexa gave their joined hands a weak squeeze, a silent “thank-you”, in lieu of being unable to speak.  She felt Clarke squeeze back gently, her silent acknowledgement apparent in the movement.

      Lexa continued to tremble, all the muscles in her body clenching every few minutes as each new wave of pain overtook her.  The pain was overwhelming, though not anywhere in the same league as the initial dose of Red had been.  For that small fact, she was extremely grateful.  She had continued to try and fight back the sounds the pain elicited from her, wishing she could bear her burden in dignified silence, but she quickly found she was unable to do so.  Moans laced with agony were ripped from her throat without regard for her pride every few minutes.  She knew she deserved this, and so much worse, after what she had done to Clarke, the Sky People, and her own people as a Reaper.  She was sure they had all suffered worse then she was now.  

      As she lay on the ground, fighting each new wave of pain, she focused only on the feel of Clarke’s legs beneath her and the pressure of their joined hands beneath the blanket.  Lexa’s mind went blank save for those two sensations, which kept her grounded through the blinding torment she was enduring.  She writhed on the ground for what seemed like an eternity, feeling as though death was simply waiting on the next wave to reach out and claim her ruined spirit.  Part of her wished she could give into death, but for the first time in months, a larger part of her fought that urge.  Simply seeing the blonde had renewed a hope in her that she had long thought was dead.

      Finally after what seemed like ages, but what she knew had only been hours, the pain began to come less frequently.  Her body finally began to relax, the muscles loosening, only a general dull ache left behind to bear witness to what she had just been through.  Her head was still pounding and the fever still raged through her as she shivered non-stop, but both she could bear more easily without the added muscle pain.  As her tired mind began to clear, she slowly realized it had grown dark, the moonlight filtering in through the bars above them.  She could still feel Clarke’s legs beneath her, and could tell that at some point Clarke had intertwined their fingers beneath the blanket.  She was distinctly aware of Clarke’s other hand playing through her hair, the sensation the only hint of pleasure amongst all the pain.  She shifted her head, her eyes meeting Clarke’s.  

      “Th-th-th-thank…you…C-Cl-Clarke,” Lexa managed to stutter out through her chattering teeth.

      Clarke simply nodded once and gave her hand another light squeeze before pulling her hand from Lexa’s.  Clarke untangled her other hand from Lexa’s hair and gently pulled her legs from beneath Lexa, laying her head on the ground under it.  Clarke stood and took a moment to stretch, her back tight from sitting on the ground for so long.  She walked over to the corner and picked up the berries and nuts she had found earlier.  She also had a few pieces of cooked fish from earlier that she added to the pile.  Walking back over to Lexa, who had barely found the strength to push herself into a sitting position from the ground, she set the food down and pushed the water over to the brunette. 

      “You should try to eat something.  I need to go gather more firewood,” Clarke told her, picking up a sword Lexa had not noticed until now.

      Lexa watched as Clarke expertly slung the sword over her back, fastening it down with trained fingers, the movements clearly practiced.  Checking that both her knives were secure in her boots, Clarke stepped out of the room.  Lexa wondered briefly where Clarke had picked up the trade of swordsmanship, but was quickly distracted by the groaning in her stomach.  Picking up the food, she threw a few of the berries in her mouth and chewed slowly, letting the juices fill her taste buds.  Swallowing, she waited a couple minutes to see if her stomach would oppose the food and send it back up.  When it didn’t, she hungrily ate the remaining food feeling as though she had not eaten in months.  She took a drink of some water, washing down the last bits of food before leaning back, satisfied.  She pulled the blanket around her, realizing for the first time that it was actually a cloak.  Freezing, she took in the colors laid out around her, instantly recognizing the blue and white hues for what they were.

      Before she had time to process, Clarke walked back in, arms full of wood and holding a rabbit.  She dropped the wood and placed the rabbit alongside of it, turning to face Lexa as she wiped her hands on her pants.  She froze when she saw the look on Lexa’s face.

      “Th-this cloak…i-it-it is…Azgeda,” Lexa said quietly, cursing the fever that still caused her to shiver uncontrollably.

      Clarke said nothing for a moment, debating what she wanted to tell the girl about her life since she had last seen her.  “So it is,” she said finally, the tone in her voice making it clear that she did not wish to discuss the topic further.

      Lexa stared up at her curiously, but did not press the issue.  Looking back down at the ground, she pulled the cloak around her more tightly, thankful for the warmth it offered regardless of the clan it came from.  She felt as though she was burning up, but knew it was only the fever coursing through her system.  She watched as Clarke arranged the firewood and went to work creating friction, smoke rising quickly as Clarke worked.  Within minutes, Clarke had a small but warm fire working a few feet from Lexa.  Lexa reveled in the warmth it threw at her, wishing she could move closer but still feeling the ropes binding her.  Lexa couldn’t blame Clarke for leaving her bound, she wouldn’t have trusted herself under the influence of the Red either.  She watched as Clarke expertly skinned the rabbit, making quick work of it and placing it over the fire to cook, again astounded at the adeptness Clarke showed in her work.  

      Satisfied it wouldn’t burn, Clarke walked out of the room, quickly returning with a bag in her hands.  She sat down in front of Lexa, pulling items out of the bag.  She laid a few strips of cloth out on the ground, putting some green paste like substance in a small container next to them.  Pulling the water over to her, she soaked a few of the strips of cloth and set them back down.  Looking at Lexa, she undid one of the ropes around Lexa’s wrist, slowly peeling it away, the blood having dried the fibers to the wound.  Lexa bit back a hiss of pain, tensing her still sore muscles.

      “Sorry,” Clarke murmured, her head bent over Lexa’s wrist as she carefully began to scrub at the wound with one of the cloths.  “I need to clean these or they will become infected.”

      Lexa sat in silence, her eyes focused on Clarke’s hands as they worked, meticulous and trained.  Once Clarke was satisfied she had cleaned the wound out as well as could be expected, she picked up the green paste and spread it over the wound, covering it evenly in the substance.  Lexa couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped her lips as it seeped into the wound, tingling at first and then cooling into a soothing sensation.  She saw the hint of a smile tug at the corner of Clarke’s mouth as Clarke took a dry cloth and wrapped it around the now clean wound.  As quickly as the smile had appeared, it was gone again, leaving Lexa to wonder if she had actually seen it.  Securing the bandage in place, Clarke gently released Lexa’s hand and picked up the other one.  Pulling it toward her, Lexa watched as Clarke’s brow furrowed, the look of concern apparent on her face as she examined the wrist.

      “W-wh-what,” Lexa asked.

      “It looks like this one may already be infected…” Looking back up at Lexa, she placed her free hand on Lexa’s forehead, checking her temperature.  “You’re still really warm.  Your fever should have broken with the muscle spasms if it was due to withdrawal.”

      “Wh-what hap-pens n-no-now,” Lexa asked, still shaking.

      “We wait for the fever to break.  Eating the food was good, but you have to make sure you stay hydrated, that’s the most important thing.  I’ll go scavenge the woods for the ingredients I’ll need to make an antibiotic once I clean this out. It’s going to hurt,” Clarke told her.  

      Lexa simply nodded once, setting her lips in a thin, determined line.  Clarke bent over the wrist, carefully peeling back the rope, which had deeply embedded itself in her flesh after so much pulling.  Lexa balled her other fist up against the pain, trying to remain still.  She could feel herself sweating from the exertion of remaining quiet.  Once the rope was removed, Clarke began to scrub at the wound, trying to ensure all the foreign fibers were out of the wound and the infected tissue was removed.  Lexa felt her vision beginning to swim, the movement of the cloth over her raw skin nearly too much.  Just as she feared she couldn’t take anymore, Clarke finished and lightly wrapped the wound, leaving the green paste off of it.  Letting Lexa’s wrist go, she stood, walking back over to where she had left her sword. Lexa watched as she refastened it.

      “I’ll be back, you should rest,” was all Clarke said as she quickly walked out of the enclosure again. 

      Lexa leaned her head back, closing her eyes.  She took a couple deep breaths, trying to steady herself.  She had not been injured to this extent in a very long time.  She hated that she needed to be taken care of, even by Clarke, used to being the one who always took care of everyone else.  Her needs always came last.  As she sat back, she floated between being awake and asleep, not quite fully committed to either, her mind wandering.  She never heard Clarke come back in until she heard the girl clear her throat.  Startled, she opened her eyes to find the blonde sitting in front of her again, staring expectantly at her.  Realizing she had pulled her wrist back into the warmth of the cloak, she quickly pushed it back out and offered it to Clarke.

      “Thank-you,” Clarke said quietly, taking it gently into her cool hands.

      Clarke carefully undid the temporary bandage around her wrist and wiped it over one last time before applying a milky looking substance to it.  It burned as it settled into the wound, Lexa letting out a small hiss of pain and flinching.  

      “Sorry, I should have warned you it was going to sting,” Clarke said, not looking up.

      “It’s ok. It j-just s-surp-p-rised m-me,” Lexa replied.

      Clarke lightly blew on the substance, trying to get it to dry, her gentle breath making Lexa shiver in an entirely new way.  She struggled to maintain her composure as she watched Clarke, absorbed in the task before her.  She was fixated by the curve of the girls lips as they pursed, pushing a gentle breath out on Lexa’s sensitive skin.  Lexa swallowed hard, the sound of it seeming to echo loudly in her ears.  She prayed Clarke had not heard it, but she could not be sure.  Once the substance was dry, Clarke again applied the soothing green mix before bandaging up the second wrist.  

      “The salve I put on this one should keep it from becoming further infected.  I just hope too much of it isn’t already in your bloodstream.  I don’t have the necessary medicines to treat that,” Clarke told her, gently releasing her wrist.

      “We will see,” Lexa replied, pulling her wrist under the cloak and tightening it around her.  

      Clarke simply nodded and gathered her items before standing and walking back over to the corner.  She put them back in her bag before turning to take the rabbit off the fire.  She held the rabbit out towards Lexa offering it to her, but Lexa shook her head, her stomach rolling at the thought of eating anything else.  She swallowed, fighting the urge to vomit again.  Clarke sat and began eating, her own hunger apparent in how quickly she devoured the meat.  

      Lexa felt exhaustion roll over her and she leaned back again, closing her eyes.  She wanted to ask Clarke about what had happened at the mountain, about what Clarke had been doing the last three months and how she had come across the Azgeda.  Unfortunately, her brain had decided it was done for the time being, no longer able to force words from her mouth or keep her eyes open.  She also knew now was probably not the best time to ask about anything, Clarke making it obvious earlier that the topic was not open for discussion.  Lexa felt herself relaxing and sleep beginning to take over.  For a brief moment she felt panicked at the thought of the nightmares waiting to greet her in sleep, but was too tired to dwell on it.  The quiet crackling of the warm fire lulled her to sleep in seconds.

 

  **XXX**  

 

      The next couple days passed in relative peace, Lexa spending the majority of her time sleeping, continuing to fight the infection off.  The real battle was in her head though, with the memories of what she had done becoming clearer and clearer each day she was off the Red.  The guilt was crushing, thoughts of all the innocent people that had suffered at her hands when she had been a Reaper repeating in her mind over and over without reprieve.  Their screams echoed in her head at night, either keeping her from sleep or haunting her during it.  Some nights she woke with a start, sweating and shaking.  During those few instances, she was fortunate enough to be alone, Clarke out in the woods hunting or gathering firewood.  She didn’t need the blonde to see how entirely broken she was.

      Her wrists were healing quickly, thanks to whatever medicinal herbs Clarke had used on them, a faint red band the only remaining indication of the rope’s burn.  She was extremely grateful for the blonde, knowing the only reason she continued to breath was due to her efforts.  Lexa had found herself wondering why Clarke had saved her, knowing that their last parting had left them on less then amicable terms.  She decided that when she was strong enough, she would ask.

      On the third day, she finally felt strong enough that Clarke had taken her to the river to bathe.  Lexa could not wait to wash the filth of the last three months from her body, both physically and mentally.  She could smell herself and it was not pleasant; she was not trying to subject anyone else to the stench.  She had eagerly stepped into the river, despite it’s chill, and allowed the water to consume her, scrubbing her skin until it was nearly raw.  Even then, she didn’t quite feel clean, and she suspected she never would.  

      As she had grown stronger and healthier, she had noticed Clarke growing more distant.  She constantly schooled her face into an emotionless mask around Lexa, barely speaking to the girl.  When she did speak, it was usually in detached, clipped sentences or a couple words.  Lexa could appreciate not using language to communicate, it was a common practice in Grounder culture, but Clarke was not communicating at all.  It more so seemed as though the blonde was trying to avoid Lexa.  All it served to do was confuse Lexa further.

      Lexa knew she was going to have to bring up the choices that were made at Mount Weather sooner rather than later, the elephant in the room between them growing obnoxiously large.  She was just stealing herself until she had the mental stamina to broach the subject, though again, she was unsure she would ever be ready.  She was not sorry for what she had done as Commander- she had made the right choice for her people.  However, she was sorry about what Lexa had done to Clarke, betraying her and leaving her to essentially die upon that mountain.

      On their fourth day in hiding, as Lexa was scavenging the surrounding area for nuts and berries and debating how she would bring up Mount Weather with Clarke, she heard a commotion over in the area of the forest where Clarke had been hunting.  Quickly storing what she had already gathered, she rushed over to where she had heard the noise.  She picked her way through some thick trees and bushes and stepped into a clearing full of tall grass in time to see Clarke expertly bury her sword into the chest of a man kneeling before her.  Lexa immediately recognized the white war paint as Azgeda, but that was not what concerned her.  She watched as Clarke pulled the sword back out, wiping the blade clean on the man’s clothing before turning to face her.  There was not a hint of emotion in the blonde’s face, her expression dead, her movements methodical and calculating.  Lexa watched, trying to keep the concern off her face at the stranger standing before her.  She did not know this Clarke, emotionless and cold when taking a life, and struggled to hold the girl’s gaze.  She glanced down at the now deceased Ice Nation warrior, then back at Clarke who was still staring at her, expression vacant.  

      “He is Azgeda,” Lexa remarked.  

      “He was,” Clarke replied coldly.  “We need to move.  If he was willing to brave these forests, others will follow behind him.”

      As she spoke, Lexa saw movement in the forest behind Clarke, another man materializing in the brush, still half hidden.  She saw an arrow poised in a bow, aimed directly for the blonde’s back and began to move forward, knowing she would be too late.

      “Clarke!” she called out as she broke out in a run for the blonde, praying she would make it in time.

      She watched confusion pass through Clarke’s eyes before understanding lit them.  The blonde began to turn, but didn’t move quickly enough.  Just as she had turned enough to face the attacker, the man let loose his arrow, Lexa reaching Clarke just as the arrow found a home in Clarke’s shoulder.  She heard Clarke grunt as the arrow buried itself deeply into her shoulder.  Lexa slammed into her, knocking her to the ground and covering her with her own body, the tall grass surrounding them and temporarily concealing them.  She reached down and drew one of the knives from Clarke’s boot and tested the weight of it in her hand, quickly familiarizing herself with it.  Taking a deep breath, she pushed herself up on her knees, her head just clearing the grass.  She felt an arrow whiz past her ear, the air from it moving the hair against her cheek.  Finding the man, she drew back her arm and expertly threw the knife with all the force she could muster, sending it spinning through the air and watching as it buried itself in the center of the man’s chest.  His face went slack and his body crumpled to the ground, dead before he hit.

      She scanned the surrounding forest for further threats, making sure no one else moved to attack them before looking down at Clarke, still lying below her.  Clarke had caught the arrow high in her right shoulder, but the bone had prevented the head from passing through to the other side so that it could be easily removed.  Lexa knew it needed attending immediately; the Azgeda were notorious for dipping their weapons in poison.  Lexa stood quickly, freeing the girl to sit up.  As Clarke moved, she could see the pain Clarke was trying to mask, each move difficult for her.  As Lexa leaned down to help her, Clarke shrank away from the touch immediately.

      “Don’t,” Clarke said, the word laced with fury.

      Lexa stared for a moment, taken aback, masking her own emotions at the anger tinged word.  She simply nodded once and moved to retrieve the knife from the dead   Ice Nation Warrior.  Pulling it from his chest, she searched his body for anything useful, finding what she wanted in the pack on his back and pocketing it.  Taking his sword, she slung it over her shoulders and moved back to Clarke, who was now standing and watching her, arrow still protruding from her shoulder.  Blood was running freely from the wound, staining the white shirt Clarke was wearing.   

      “We need to go,” Lexa said moving past the blonde, her eyes looking beyond the blonde for more threats.  “We are too exposed here.”

      Clarke said nothing, but Lexa heard her footsteps fall in behind her after a moment.  They quickly made their way back to their camp, Lexa hearing Clarke stop occasionally to pull plants from the ground, assumedly what she would need to make a paste for her wound.  Though they had not been far from the camp, Clarke’s breathing was labored and she had a sheen of sweat covering her face, both evidence of the toll the arrow was taking on her.  Clarke stumbled inside the enclosure, sliding down the wall to finally rest.  Once Lexa was sure they had not been followed, she too ducked into the pen, digging out the item she had found on the warrior.  She held the item out to Clarke, a vial with a light blue colored liquid filling it.  

      “Drink this,” she commanded, moving to Clarke’s pack to retrieve the necessary items to attend to Clarke’s wound.

      As she turned back, she caught just the briefest flash of anger on Clarke’s face before Clarke was able to school her look again.  Lexa stopped for a second, startled by the intensity of it, not completely sure she had seen it.  She picked up the plants that Clarke had dropped on the ground and began grinding them between two stones.  Once they were turning into a thick paste,  Lexa glanced up a the blonde to see that Clarke had paled considerably, which was saying a lot considering the blonde was already rather pale.  She saw the vial in the girl’s hand, still full.

      “Clarke, if you don’t drink that you will die,” Lexa told her.

      “Why” was Clarke’s only response.

      “The Azgeda are known to dip their weapons in poison.  That vial contains the antidote.  You need to drink it,” Lexa explained, continuing to grind the plants.  

      “No.  I mean, why do you care what happens to me _now_?” Clarke’s voice was even, but Lexa could feel the hurt and anger behind the words.  “You’ve already proven that you don’t care about me.”

      Lexa’s hands stilled over the paste she was preparing, not daring to look up and meet the blonde’s gaze, knowing what was waiting for her.  She swallowed and took a few deep breaths, trying to prepare herself for the fight that she had known was inevitable.  Once again she wished that she’d had more time to prepare, not quite back to her usual self yet after the last few months.  Part of her knew it was now or never, so she risked a glance up into Clarke’s face, seeing the anger burning in eyes that were now glassy.  Casting her eyes downward again, she took a deep breath, trying to steady her own emotions as her hands went back to work.  

      “This is not a prudent time for this conversation, Clarke.”  Lexa kept her eyes trained on preparing the medical equipment before her.

      “Maybe, but odds are this poison will kill me.  I’d like to get this out before that happens.”  Clarke grimaced as a burning sensation started around the wound in her shoulder, confirming the arrow had been poisoned.

      “I would like to prevent that from happening.  Drink the antidote, Clarke.”  Lexa’s voice was growing more strained as she tried to keep her own emotions in check, knowing that losing control right now would only make things worse.

      “Shocking.  You’re going to turn your back on this conversation just like you did to me at the mountain,” Clarke said, no longer trying to hide her anger.

      At the words, Lexa felt something shift within her, walls breaking down as her own anger rushed to the surface.  Lexa tore her gaze from her hands, bringing her eyes back to the blonde’s.  She could feel her anger bubbling in her throat, the fire of it in her eyes. As she stared at the blonde, her own anger reflected back at her, she felt the final constraints of control break.

      “You are not the only one who suffered and lost something that night,” Lexa said quietly, the frustration of the last three months wrapping around each word. 

      “You’re going to talk to me about loss?  I killed hundreds of innocent people!  People who helped me, people who were my _friends,_ ” Clarke exclaimed, her face instantly turning red in anger.  “Do you have any idea what it was like to listen to everyone of them die an agonizing death?  To hear their screams echo in my nightmares _every night_?!  Because of you!”

      “And how many have _I_ killed as a result of that night?!  Also hundreds, also innocent, and also friends!  The difference is, you had a choice and I did not.”  Lexa was shaking now, anger burning through her.  She stared at the blonde as she spoke, seeing a moment of confusion pass over the blonde’s face at the mention of Lexa’s past months also being the result of that fateful night.  Before Clarke had a chance to muse on it though, she continued, “It does no good to dwell on the past and I will not apologize for the choice that I made at the mountain.  I did what was right for my people.” 

      “No, _I_ had no choice and you _have_ no honor, _that's_ the difference.”  Clarke had made sure to place emphasis on the fact that she still didn’t believe Lexa was trustworthy.  “What was right for your people made you betray mine.  We had an alliance, Lexa, and you broke it!  We needed you that night!”  Clarke was nearly shouting now, months of pent up emotions finally getting a chance to be free.

      “I did what had to be done.  I made that choice with my head, not my heart.”  Lexa’s face was perfectly composed, exposing nothing of the storm of emotions raging inside of her.  She wanted to say so much, but knew now was not the time.  She could see that Clarke needed to get this out of her system and she was not going to stop that.  

      “You left me on that mountain to die!  You used my emotions against me and manipulated me into an alliance that you _knew_ would save your people at the price of mine.”  Tears were running freely down Clarke’s face now, frustration, betrayal, and anger in every drop.

      Lexa stood quickly and moved across the room, pacing.  She was struggling to bring herself under control, to reign in her own emotions.  The blonde had a knack for getting under her skin and pushing all of her buttons, causing her to lose her head.  She knew full well that she had never manipulated Clarke, or feigned an emotional connection with the blonde in the interest of forming an alliance.  Saying that though would require her to open herself up emotionally, making her vulnerable to the blonde, and that was something that she was not prepared to do.  She also knew now was not the time for that.  She hoped that eventually they would be at that point again, but resigned herself to the fact that Clarke would never forgive her.  She didn’t even know if she could ever forgive herself. 

      Thinking back to the look on Clarke’s face as she had coldly dispatched the Ice Nation Warrior earlier, a realization struck her.  Clarke had been shattered by the actions she had taken on the mountain, the decisions she had been forced to make as a direct result of Lexa’s betrayal.  Lexa knew firsthand what it was like to shatter in that manner, Costia’s death affecting her in much the same way.  The only way Lexa could describe it was like the loss of the last shards of innocence she’d had, forcing her to accept that the world was a cold and cruel place that she was better off facing alone.  It left a hole in her chest that she thought would never be filled.  Lexa’s heart broke as she realized that she had caused that same pain in the blonde, that she had shattered the girl, turning her into the angry stranger that now sat before her.  She had never imagined that her actions would affect Clarke to the degree that they so clearly had, guilt and regret immediately washing over her.  True, she had regretted leaving Clarke, but this, this was entirely different, the weight of the emotions now bombarding her threatening to crush her and undo her completely.  The Clarke she had known was clearly gone, left behind on that mountain so many months ago and she was responsible. 

      “I never meant to turn you into this…” Lexa whispered, the weight of the regret and guilt she now felt apparent in each syllable.  

      Lexa swallowed again, trying to maintain control and keep her own tears at bay, feeling them burning in her throat.  What she had said earlier was true, she was not sorry for saving her people.  It had nearly broken her to betray the Sky People, and more so Clarke, but she had been left with no choice as Commander.  Leaving Clarke on that mountain had been the second hardest decision in her life, second only to allowing Nia to live after she had killed Costia.

      “You may not have meant it, but it was the consequence,” Clarke said stonily.  “What did you think was going to happen when you left me there to die?”

      “I never left you!”  Lexa froze as the words spilled from her mouth, never having intended to actually speak them out loud.

      Clarke also froze, her mouth slightly open, tears still tracking silently down her face.  The silence in the room grew, as each stared at the other, waiting for the other to speak.

      “What?”  Clarke was finally able to get the single word out, confusion lacing it.

      Lexa was still frozen in place, her mind screaming at her for betraying herself, doing what she had told herself she would not.

      “What do you mean you never left, Lexa?”  Clarke was struggling to stand, the effects of the poison weighing heavily on her system now.  

      Clarke slowly stepped up to the brunette her eyes burning into Lexa, watching the internal struggle in the brunette’s eyes.  Looking at Clarke, her blue eyes silently pleading for Lexa to explain, Lexa could feel the last tendrils of her self restraint disappearing.  There was a desperation to the look in Clarke’s eyes, as if she already knew what Lexa was fighting to hold in and dared against hope to have it spoken aloud, confirming it as true.  Before Lexa could work up the courage tell Clarke what she so desperately needed, the blonde swayed before her.  The vial in her hand fell to the ground, thankfully remaining intact, as Clarke stumbled back a few steps.  Lexa saw the fear and confusion in Clarke’s eyes, the blonde fighting to remain standing, still waiting for Lexa’s explanation.  Lexa jumped forward to catch Clarke as the blonde’s eyes rolled back and her knees buckled beneath her.  Lexa’s arms encircled the blonde’s waist and guided her gently to the ground.

      She rested Clarke’s head in her lap, reaching out to pick up the vial Clarke had dropped.  She could see Clarke was still somewhat conscious, her eyes unfocused but open.  Uncorking the vial, she held it up to Clarke’s parted lips and tipped the contents in.  Clarke sputtered as she swallowed, some of the solution dribbling out of the corner of her mouth. 

      “I will never leave you again,” Lexa whispered to her as she watched Clarke’s eyes flutter closed, unconsciousness finally claiming the girl.  “I promise…”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So clearly this chapter was easier for me to write, not really able to sleep until it was completed. It's near and dear to my heart, so I really hope you guys like it. Again, dream sequences are in italics. 
> 
> It's 4am here so all grammar and spelling mistakes are definitely my own.
> 
> Just as a side note, I find music helps me focus my words and thoughts. Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years" was huge for me on this one.

      Lexa sat and stared into the fire, her gaze traveling over to the blonde lying by her side every few minutes, checking yet again for the rise and fall of the girl’s chest.  Clarke had been unconscious for slightly more than a day, Lexa waiting worriedly for any sign that the girl may wake.  She had immediately removed the arrow from Clarke’s shoulder after giving her the antidote, cleaning and bandaging it to the best of her ability.  She had no true healer skills though, just basic knowledge of how to treat a wound.  Clarke’s continued sleep increased her anxiety over whether or not she had properly tended to the girl, or simply prolonged the inevitable.  Azgeda poisons could be vicious, some not even cured by their own antidotes.

      She reached out and readjusted the cloak over Clarke, seeing that it had slipped off her wounded shoulder, exposing her flesh to the cool night air.  Lexa had needed to remove Clarke’s arm from her shirt to properly clean the wound, thankful that the Sky Girl used the traditional Grounder bindings to cover her chest.  Lexa was sure that had she not, things would _not_ have gone well when Clarke finally woke up and found she was topless…if she opened her eyes again.  Lexa shook her head against the thought, refusing to believe that she would never see that light shining in the eyes that were blue enough to rival the clearest blue skies.   She instead reflected on the softness that they had so often held when they looked at Lexa before the mountain, a softness that, although dim, had still been there.  It had given her the slightest sliver of hope that not all was lost between them.  She could not lose Clarke, not again and not forever.  Not like Costia…Lexa knew she would never recover this time. 

      Lexa had been keeping a watchful eye out for the sign of any further intrusion into their camp, but had found none.  The day before, she had returned to the bodies of the men they had killed, pulling their cloaks from them knowing she would need them for warmth as winter began it’s inevitable descent into the forest surrounding them.  The nights were growing longer and colder and she knew it would not be much longer before the first snow blanketed her lands.  Or what used to be her lands.  She was still struggling to accept that she was no longer Heda, always believing that when her reign ended, it would be due to her death.  Being alive to witness her people being ruled by another was a whole other kind of torture.  She knew her people would be suffering greatly at the hands of Nia, remembering the briefest glimpse of a burning Polis she’d had before everything had gone black.  

      She imagined that anyone loyal to her had been cut down with the first wave of invasion, Indra and Titus included.  She knew firsthand how ruthless Nia and the Ice Nation could be, her sorrow at allowing herself to be felled causing tears to burn in the back of her throat.  She had failed her people so completely, she didn’t know that she would ever come back from the defeat.  Or if her people would even want her back, which was less than likely.  She had been weak.  She had allowed a Mountain Man get the better of her, catching her off guard and turning her into a drugged out guard dog.  No one would want that as their leader, which she fully understood.  She had never in her life found herself in the position she was in now, utterly powerless and stripped of her title, essentially: free.  Since she could remember, she had been groomed for the position as Heda, passing her Conclave and ascending to power at 16.  A few bloody and tumultuous years later, she had formed a tentative Alliance with 11 of the 12 clans, all of them joining forces to fight the remaining Ice Nation.  Less than a year later, she had lost the one person she had ever loved to the brutality of Nia.  In the wake of Costia’s death, Lexa had been able to turn her tentative Alliance into a strong and united Coalition, a true peace for her people for the first time in Grounder history.  

      During the days directly after the loss of Costia, when she was before her people, Lexa would put on a brave mask and lead without faltering, not allowing anyone to see how weak Costia’s death had truly made her.  Her nights were a different story altogether.  She had spent many nights tossing and turning, regretting the decision to forgo revenge for her beloved in favor of peace.  She would have preferred to have the warmth of the girl lying in the bed next to her over hard won peace.  She had turned to alcohol for a brief period thinking the harsh bite of the liquor would soothe the ache in her heart and drown the memory of Costia from her mind, but it never did.

      In her most intoxicated moments, she would find herself staring at the stars and talking to Costia as if she were still seated before her, telling her of all the events that had come to pass without her.  Lexa would repeatedly voice her disdain at the idea of life being able to so easily move on, as if the loss of Costia’s light from the world had affected it in no way.  This more than anything tortured her, that no one else seemed to care that Costia was gone and Lexa was so devastatingly broken by it.    She knew it was probably foolish of her to pretend Costia could hear her, knowing full well her spirit had moved onto another host, but she found a kind of comfort in her conversations with the stars, something she had been unable to find in anything else up to that point.

      Through her conversations with Costia, she was able to slowly start healing, putting down the bottle and bolstering herself against the pain.  The ache in her chest dulled with each day that passed and at first she had feared that her heart healing meant that she was letting go of Costia, as though she were abandoning the girl one final time.  She’d had a dream not long after that, for once pleasant, in which Costia had visited her, more radiant in death than she had ever been in life, and assured her that it was ok to move on, that the living should not dwell on the dead.  She’d had a similar dream the night she’d met Clarke as well, the feelings the blonde had stirred within her making her feel as though she were betraying Costia.  Again, Costia had assured her it would be alright, that the dead were gone and the living were hungry.  Lexa had told her she would have liked Clarke, the blonde fearless and full of fight, much like Costia had been.  Still, Lexa had been unable to completely move on from Costia, talking to her most nights, the one-sided conversations helping her to sleep.  

      As the years had carried on, the peace she had fought and sacrificed for stood the test of time and allowed Lexa to find meaning in Costia’s death where there had initially been none.  She still stayed up some nights, talking to the stars, but it was less frequently as time wore on. She now only seemed to seek answers in the night sky after her most trying days; learning of Anya’s death, killing Gustus, and leaving Clarke.  

      Looking up at the stars now, as she sat with Clarke, she imagined for the briefest moment that everything would be ok between them.  That they would be able to pick up their pieces and heal, together.  Lexa still had so much to say to the blonde, their last “conversation” not doing either of them any justice in the way of healing the emotional rift between them.  Though Lexa still cared for Clarke, deeply, she could see that the blonde was still broken by Lexa leaving her.  Lexa had read through the lines in what Clarke had yelled at her earlier.  The Sky Girl was more upset over Lexa betraying _her_ , not just Skaikru.  The truth to that fact had been evident in Clarke’s eyes as she had glared at Lexa through her tears.  

      Lexa swallowed, the guilt over hurting the blonde washing freshly over her once again.  She pushed it down, not allowing herself the luxury the solace of tears would bring her, knowing she did not deserve a reprieve from the emotional pain she had caused in Clarke.  Lexa had decided that for everything she had done, both to Clarke and her own people, she deserved to suffer.

      Lexa had decided that she would stay long enough to ensure that Clarke was set on the path of healing and wellness before she gave the blonde the choice of staying together or going their separate ways; Lexa was a pariah, after all.  There was no way that she was willing to stay with Clarke and risk the blonde being killed again unless the blonde explicitly asked her to.  Since both the Ice Nation Warriors had been killed, there had been no one to tell Nia that Clarke was the one who had saved Lexa.  Clarke could still return to a normal life, without fear for her safety.  That was all Lexa wanted, to keep Clarke safe.  That was all she had ever tried to do, even if her actions made it appear otherwise.

      Lexa breathed out a deep sigh, the weight of her emotional burden manifesting in the physical whoosh of air leaving her lungs.  She leaned her back against the wall behind her, making herself more comfortable.  She had barely slept, too afraid to take her eyes from the blonde for an extended period of time.  As she sat, she lost herself in the orange and yellow flames dancing before her, letting her mind wander and losing track of time.  Her head tilted forward to rest on her chest as her breathing slowed and her eyes fluttered shut, sleep taking over and carrying her away to a better place.  For once her dreams were happy and not haunted.

 

**XXX**

 

       _The sound of swords clashing together echoed in the empty clearing, the only other sounds the shuffling of quick feet in the grass and the occasional grunt from each of the fighters.  Lexa side stepped as Costia swung her sword wide on her left side, Lexa easily kicking it out of her hand.  Costia responded by lashing out with a kick of her own, her foot landing squarely in Lexa’s side and knocking the air from her lungs, dazing her momentarily.  It granted Costia enough time to reach her felled blade, tucking and rolling away as Lexa regained her senses and swung down a moment too late to prevent her from taking possession of the weapon again.  Lexa heard the other girl chuckle quietly as Lexa staggered off balance, not quite anticipating the swinging follow through her blade had as it missed Costia by mere inches._  
****

_Lexa fought to keep the smile off her own face, knowing that Anya’s eyes missed nothing.  She was not trying to earn them an additional training hour because she couldn’t keep her emotions in check on the battlefield.  Costia’s glee was infectious though, Lexa helpless against it and smiling in return against her better judgement._

_“Leksa! Pay attention!” Anya’s voice yelled out over the field as Lexa brought her sword back up._

_“Sha, Anya,” Lexa replied breathlessly, quickly straightening her face._

_She saw Costia smile again, Anya behind her and unable to see her face.  Lexa found the corners of her mouth turning up in response, unable to keep a straight face whenever Costia smiled._

_“Stop it,” she hissed at the girl.  “You’re going to earn us another hour.”_

_“So? That’s another hour of me whooping your butt,” Costia said cockily._

_“Would one of you attack and stop dancing already?!” The frustration in Anya’s voice was apparent to both girls._

_Lexa stepped in towards Costia, swinging her blade in an upward arc, aiming for Costia’s side.  Costia saw the move coming and blocked her easily, spinning back out.  That was how Costia always fought, defensively, always trying to end the fight by exhausting her opponent.  It drove Lexa mad, but then, Costia had never been the confrontational one of them- that had always been Lexa._

_“Would you fight already,” Lexa growled.  “You’re driving me crazy just dancing around.”_

_Costia chuckled quietly again, simply sidestepping another one of Lexa’s swings and earning a frustrated noise from Lexa._

_“Control, Lexa,” she heard Anya chide.  “Do not let your emotions get the better of you.  They will cost you on the battlefield.”_

_She just nodded her head, her eyes never leaving Costia, who had finally decided to attack.  Costia’s blade quickly sliced through the air, Lexa barely deflecting one attack before another was delivered.  Now it was her turn to chuckle, loving the look of pure determination on Costia’s face as she pushed Lexa back, gaining ground.  Lexa allowed her to push her back, making her think she was gaining a little ground against her.  Costia had yet to beat her during their trainings, but always proved to be a worthy and trying opponent._

_“That’s more like it.  I was starting to wonder if we were actually fighting.” Lexa used Costia’s last attack to push the girl back, giving them space._

_“You’ll know when we’re actually fighting,” the girl replied, smiling._

_Lexa didn’t think she’d ever seen anything so beautiful and full of pure goodness.  Yes, Costia would fight and do what needed to be done, but she did not have a malicious bone in her body.  It was why Lexa loved her.  She had never met someone who could always find the good in someone, even the worst of humanity.  It was refreshing, always giving Lexa hope that maybe she too would be able to make such a difference one day.  She watched as errant rays of sunshine fought through the tree cover overhead, playing through the other girl’s hair, which was just a few shades lighter than Lexa’s.  It gleamed under the rays, creating a halo around the girls head.  Lexa thought that she had never seen anything so beautiful in her entire 15 years of existence.  She was so wrapped up in Costia that she barely deflected Costia’s next attack, her blade glancing off of Lexa’s shoulder and drawing blood._

_“LEXA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Lexa shrank at the rage rolling off Anya in waves._

_“Moba, Anya!” she called across the clearing, wiping at the blood._

_“Don’t be sorry, yongon.  Pay attention! Your enemy will not be as lenient.  Distractions will kill you in battle,” Anya chastised._

_“Sha, Anya, sha.”  Lexa said, shame coloring her features._

_She rolled her shoulders and raised her sword, planning her next move as Costia smiled even wider at her._

_“Whoops.  Guess I’m a ‘distraction’,” she teased lightly._

_“You could say that,” Lexa growled.  Both of them knew exactly_ how _distracting Costia could be for Lexa._

_Moving quickly towards the girl, Lexa caused Costia to startle back a few steps and lose her balance, falling back to a knee.  Lexa brought her sword crashing down over Costia’s head, Costia just barely stopping the advance of Lexa’s blade with her own.  Lexa pushed down with all her might, forcing Costia to her both knees before her._

_“Yield,” Lexa said with a victorious smile._

_“You yield,” Costia struggled out as Lexa’s weight continued to press on her._

_Suddenly, Lexa watched Costia’s face shift, morphing into the expression she only used when it was just the two of them alone in some dark corner.  Lexa watched her caramel colored eyes darken with desire and her lips part just a little.  Costia leaned her face up toward Lexa, as if leaning in for a kiss that Lexa would be more then willing to give her if it were under different circumstances.  Lexa pulled back for just a moment, startled by the sudden change and having trouble remembering that she was supposed to be fighting this girl, not kissing her._

_It was the only opening Costia needed, as she pushed Lexa back forcefully and rammed the hilt of her sword into Lexa’s now exposed gut.  Lexa let out an “ompf” as she stumbled backwards, winded.  Costia saw her opportunity and crouched, sweeping Lexa’s legs from under her in one smooth motion.  Lexa crashed to the ground on her back, seeing stars as her head struck the ground.  She felt Costia step on her wrist, preventing her from lifting her sword.  As she blinked the stars from her eyes, it was to find Costia standing above her, her own sword held at Lexa’s throat, a triumphant look on her face.  Lexa stared up at her, eyes and mouth wide in shock that she had just fallen for the other girls trickery._

_“Yield,” Costia said smugly, knowing she had finally defeated Lexa._

_Lexa smiled, her pride at Costia’s tactics evident in every feature.  “I yield.  Happily.”_

_She watched as the smile on Costia’s face grew larger then any she had ever seen, the girl stepping back from Lexa and jumping up and down in excitement._

_“I did it! I finally did it!” she exclaimed ecstatically.  “I finally defeated the ‘legendary’ future Heda!”_

_Lexa pushed herself up on her elbows and laughed as she watched Costia prance around the clearing, taking a well earned victory lap.  She shook her head at the girl’s ridiculous dancing.  She chanced a glance at Anya and let loose a booming laugh as she took in Anya’s face, still covered in shock at what she had just witnessed.  Costia ran back over to Lexa, who was still on the ground, and collapsed on top of her.  Straddling her, she placed her hands on either side of Lexa’s head, trapping it between them._

_“You should have listened to Anya, Lexa.” Costia was radiant as she beamed at Lexa._

_“I think it was worth it just this one time.” She smiled widely, so overcome with love for the girl above her._

_Her breath hitched as Costia leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her lips, lingering for just a moment before sitting back.  It left Lexa yearning for more, but she was quickly reminded of where they were by Anya’s sharp voice cutting through the air._

_“LEXA! Two more hours of practice for failing to stay focused AND for fraternizing with the enemy! And you can personally sharpen every blade our warriors have to offer you for a month!”  With that, Anya stalked from the clearing, needing to take a break from the two teenagers._

_Lexa closed her eyes and groaned out loud as she felt Costia laugh above her._

_“Still worth it” Costia asked through her giggling._

_Lexa pushed up and rolled them over so she was now on top of Costia as she lay in the grass.  Costia’s face sobered quickly, turning back to the desire covered one she had pulled earlier.  This time though, Lexa knew it was not a trick.  She leaned back down, her lips brushing softly against Costia’s before looking her in the eyes._

_“Your happiness will always be worth any price to me,” she whispered._

_Costia’s eyes reflected the same deep love that Lexa knew shone in hers, their lips meeting in a heated kiss now that they had been left alone.  She felt Costia’s lips smile against hers and felt her gently hum in contentment at the movement of Lexa’s lips against hers.  Lexa was helpless to stop her own smile from forming at the utter perfection of the girl beneath her.  She didn’t think she would ever be as happy as she was in this one singular moment with the girl who stole the very breath from her._

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa blinked her eyes slowly, struggling to separate herself from the dream and return to reality.  The dream had felt so real, Lexa still able to feel the press of Costia’s lips against her own.  She wiped at her cheek, feeling a single tear escape and roll down her cheek.  She swallowed, trying to clear the thickness that her throat now found itself wrapped in.  She cleared her throat, the harsh noise echoing around the enclosure and rousing her more.  Sitting up, she ran her hands through her hair, trying to shake the last remnants of the dream away.  She smiled at the memory of that day, one of her favorites, and silently thanked the gods for the little sliver of light in all the darkness that had been surrounding her recently.  
****

Looking over at the blonde, she saw that Clarke was still sleeping, still in the same position as when Lexa had dozed off.  Lexa reached out and brushed an errant strand of hair from the girls face, marveling at the softness of the skin beneath it.  Lexa fought the urge to brush her fingers against the blonde’s brow, which was slightly furrowed in sleep.  She longed to smooth out the lines she saw there, but knew that it was better if she didn’t.  She knew the blonde would not appreciate it, and Lexa did not want to risk becoming more attached to the Sky Girl when it was likely that Clarke would send her away the second she woke.  She could not open herself to that level of heartbreak again, she wouldn’t.

      Instead, Lexa stood and stretched, working out the kinks that had formed in her awkward sleeping position.  She walked into the outer enclosure, petting Saragon as she passed, finding his peaceful disposition calming.  She continued outside into the cold night air, needing to breathe in fresh air, the chill snapping the last bits of sleep from her system.  She could see her breath condensing in the air before her in small white puffs.  Lexa looked around the woods, searching for threats but finding none.  She was growing more worried every day.  She knew that when those two warriors had not returned, more would be coming in their place.  She needed Clarke to get well so she could get her out of harm’s way.  She looked up into the sky, the majority of it covered by clouds.  She could still make out a few stars through a break in the clouds.

      “I miss you…” she whispered reverently, watching the clouds move to conceal the stars completely.  

      She shivered as the night air wrapped around her, a breeze kicking up and cutting through the tattered clothing that she still wore.  She had no replacement clothes and couldn’t bring herself to wear the bloodstained shirt of either of the Ice Nation Warriors.  She turned and walked back inside, looking forward to the warmth the fire would offer her.  As she settled back down, she saw Clarke beginning to stir, finally waking up.  Lexa held her breath as she watched the blonde’s eyes blink slowly, unfocused.  Clarke raised a hand and brought it down over her face, rubbing at her eyes.  When she opened them again, they were more focused, confusion blanketing them.  Lexa watched as Clarke took in the surroundings, familiarity settling in, until they finally came to rest on Lexa.  The blonde stared at her a long moment before recognition took hold.

      “Lexa…” she rasped out, her throat dry from disuse.

      Lexa let the breath she had been holding out in one huge rush, relieved that the blonde seemed to be ok.  She recognized Lexa at least, that had to count for something.  Lexa watched as Clarke moved to sit up, wincing when her shoulder protested against the movement, pain evident in her face. 

      “Try not to move, your shoulder sustained quite an injury,” Lexa said gently, pushing the blonde back once more.

      Clarke allowed Lexa to guide her to the ground, too tired to fight or argue.  She closed her eyes as she heard Lexa move beside her.  She realized for the first time, as Lexa’s hands brushed against her bare skin, that she was half topless, the right side of her exposed.

      “What happened to my shirt,” she asked, startled by the discovery.

      “I had to remove that side to get to the wound properly,” Lexa replied nonchalantly.  “Do not worry, I was a perfect lady.”

      Clarke stared at her, mouth slightly agape, swearing that Lexa had just attempted to make a joke.

      “Here, you should drink some of this.” Clarke blinked quickly, clearing her head and took the animal flask of water from Lexa’s outstretched arm.  

      Clarke drank from it hungrily, some of it spilling and rolling down her chin.  She felt as though she had been asleep forever, even now not quite sure if she was awake or dreaming.  

      “How long was I out,” she asked between sips.

      “Nearly two days.  I was afraid that maybe…” Lexa ducked her head before finishing the thought, the meaning clear even to Clarke.

      Lexa had been afraid she would lose Clarke, probably stealing herself against her fear the whole time Clarke had been unconscious.  At least that’s what Clarke would have believed if she had thought Lexa had genuine feelings for her.  Lexa had proven otherwise at the mountain, memories of their last conversation flooding back to Clarke.  She skipped over most of them, not wanting to revisit the pain they brought back.  She had said her piece about the mountain, there was nothing that Lexa could do to change the past, and she had been right, there was no point in dwelling on it.  Clarke stilled as Lexa’s last words slowly filtered through her still exhausted brain, echoing in her head, _I never left you_.

      Clarke bolted upright, ignoring the pain in her shoulder and pinned the brunette with a lethal stare.  

      “What did you mean you ‘never left me’,” she asked Lexa, her tone indicating that if the brunette knew what was good for her, she would answer.

      Lexa sighed, bowing her head.

      “I was hoping that you hadn’t remember that outburst,” Lexa said quietly.

      “Answer the question, Lexa,” Clarke said stonily, all sleep gone from her now.

      She watched as Lexa’s jaw clenched, the shadows the fire threw across it emphasizing it’s elegant lines more than usual.  Clarke got lost in the motion of it, watching as it worked back and forth, the brunette clearly fighting with herself over what to tell Clarke.

      “Lexa…” Clarke prodded again, this time slightly softer.

      Lexa closed her eyes and sighed, defeat washing over her features.  She opened her eyes and stared into the fire, watching the flames for a moment before turning and facing Clarke, her eyes meeting the blondes.  Lexa’s gaze was unwavering as she stared, her tortured soul clearly visible to Clarke no matter how she tried to mask it.

      “I never left you on that mountain,” Lexa finally said, her voice barely a whisper.

      Clarke stared at her, silently imploring her to continue.  Lexa was emboldened by Clarke’s open gaze, the softness once again shining dimly in them and giving her hope.  Lexa took a deep breath and continued.

      “I retreated, yes, but I did not leave.  I made sure all of my people made it out of the valley and headed toward Polis, enough for them to see my strength as their leader, but I remained behind.  I saw you disappear into the tunnels and I could not leave without knowing that you were ok.”  Lexa’s voice had taken on a husky quality as she spoke, and she cleared her throat, her eyes never leaving Clarke.

      “Those moments where you were gone…they were some of the hardest of my life.  I had to fight myself not to go running back down that mountain, to run into the mountain in search of you.  I had made my choice, I had to live with the consequences of that, even if it meant leaving you to die.  The burden of my responsibilities as Heda had not weighed that heavily on me since Costia.”  Lexa visibly swallowed, her voice breaking over the mention of Costia.  Taking a breath, she carried on, knowing they were now past the point of no return.  “So I waited, and I waited, and I prayed that you would survive.  Then, finally, your people began spilling from the mountain.  I searched for you in each of their faces, beginning to worry when I counted out the appropriate number and you were no where to be found.” 

      Lexa lowered her head, taking a shuddering breath as she tried to keep control of the emotions that were threatening to overcome her.  The memory of her believing she had lost Clarke forever nearly crippled her.  She needed to get this out, for Clarke’s sake.  Clarke deserved to hear the whole story, not just the abridged version that she had thought she knew.  

      “As I was about to give up and accept that you had not survived, I saw you exit the mountain, the last one, making sure every one of your people was freed.  It is what I would have done as well.”  Lexa paused, an unreadable emotion passing over her face as she continued to hold Clarke’s gaze.  “Even from my distance, I could tell something was wrong.  That you had been…changed.  Broken, if you will.  I recognized it because I have seen the same in myself.”

      Lexa watched as Clarke physically deflated in front of her, her shoulders slumping and her head shaking slowly back and forth as if in disbelief.

      “What I tell you is the truth.  I have never lied to you and I never will.  If it is easier for you to believe that I manipulated you, you may do so, as long as you know that was not what you were to me.”  Lexa’s hands fidgeted in her lap, the only outward sign of how uncomfortable the discussion was making her.  “Cage came across me as I watched you below.  He ambushed my guard and killed him and well, you know the rest…” Lexa trailed off, sitting back to indicate she was finished.

      Clarke stared at her in stunned silence for minutes on end, as if she could not comprehend what Lexa had just told her.  Her head continued in it’s back and forth movement, Lexa suspecting it was purely instinct at this point.  She let the silence hang between them, parts of her soul bared to the blonde just waiting to see what she would do with it.  Lexa guarded herself against Clarke’s anger, which she was sure was circulating just below the surface.  She watched as Clarke’s face changed from shock to a blank expression, the blonde continuing to stare in silence.  Lexa had watched as the softness in Clarke’s eyes had hardened as she spoke, the most disconcerting reaction Lexa had seen in the girl as of yet.  Lexa dipped her head, accepting that the blonde still found her untrustworthy, that she would accuse Lexa of manipulating her yet again.

      Subconsciously, Lexa began to build her walls back up again, her face smoothing into her trademark mask where she gave nothing away.  She would accept Clarke’s decision, no matter what it be, knowing that she deserved every shred of anger that Clarke could muster.  She was surprised the blonde had allowed her to continue for so long, actually, thinking she would have cut her off after the first few statements.  As the silenced stretched between them, Lexa slowly felt the hope she had held in her chest-the hope that had carried her through her decision at the mountain, her time as a Reaper, and the withdrawal afterwards- slowly beginning to shrivel and die within her, the look on Clarke’s face telling her everything she needed to know.

      She swallowed, biting back the sobs that threatened to strangle as they fought to be freed.  She felt the last whole piece of her heart shattering, knowing she should have trusted her instincts and kept her mouth shut, her emotions and feelings to herself.  Instead, she had left herself exposed and vulnerable, an easy target.  She stood quickly, the air in room suddenly suffocating her.  She needed to escape, to leave this place and the poor girl sitting before her.  Lexa picked up one of the cloaks she’d taken from the Azgeda and began to move to the door, not seeming to be able to move fast enough.  As she passed by the blonde, she felt a hand snake around her wrist, stopping her in her tracks.  She squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to allow herself to hope.  The hand pulled on her gently, Clarke’s request clear.  Lexa took a ragged breath and opened her eyes, forcing herself to sit back down next to the girl, the air in the now claustrophobic room still suffocating her.

      She bit her bottom lip, not quite having the courage to look at Clarke.  Clarke’s hand was still on her wrist and she watched as the blonde moved it to join their hands together, holding Lexa’s gently in her own.  Doing so, Clarke gave Lexa’s hand a slight squeeze, reassurance the message in the small gesture.  Feeling that, Lexa finally moved her eyes to meet Clarke’s, her breathing stilled at what she found there.  Clarke’s eyes were rimmed with unshed tears, but that was not what gave Lexa pause.  Clarke was not staring at her accusatorially or with anger anywhere in her eyes, as Lexa had been expecting.  Instead, Clarke stared at her with open and expressive eyes, baring her own soul back at Lexa.  Lexa, could see a range of emotions flitting across them, none of what she had been expecting.  

      Lexa could see compassion and gratitude sitting on the surface.  Guilt, sorrow, pain, and understanding buried beneath that.  A hint of respect and admiration behind even that.  And yet, behind every one of those emotions, Lexa could see the softness that she knew Clarke reserved for only her.  It was weak, but it was still there.  Lexa felt the hope she had thought dead reignite in her chest as she looked upon Clarke, not needing words to understand what the blonde was communicating to her.  They may not be ok now, but Clarke understood Lexa’s internal turmoil, their joined hands a sign that neither of them should have to bear it alone anymore; that Clarke, though not necessarily ready to forgive, was ready to find support in Lexa and she was willing to give Lexa the same.  Relief overwhelmed Lexa as she finally allowed the tears she had been fighting since Mount Weather to fall freely down her cheeks, her silent acceptance of Clarke’s proposal.  

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. 2 weeks! I'm so sorry! The writer's block on this chapter was NO JOKE. I'm still not completely thrilled with the way it turned out, but I couldn't make you guys wait any longer. This became a lot easier to write the closer to the end I got, so I'm already started on the next chapter. Not intending to make you guys wait nearly as long this time.
> 
> As always, let me know what you think by dropping me a comment below. Or, if you're bored, mosey on over to my other fic that I posted in the interim between updates on this one. Additionally, stop by and drop me a line on my tumblr, under the same handle (Phoenix_Rises_Again). Without further ado, Chapter Nine.

      Lexa had no idea how long they sat like that, silently leaning on each other for support, hands entwined.  She had eventually dozed off into a deep, dreamless sleep at one point, the emotional toll of the earlier conversation draining her completely.  When she woke, it was to find the blonde curled up next to her, their hands still joined.  She watched as Clarke slept, not wanting to disturb her, looking so peaceful and altogether _whole_ , something Lexa had noticed the blonde lacked in her waking hours.  As she watched the steady rise and fall of Clarke’s chest and listened to the quiet in and out of her even breathing, Lexa silently vowed to piece the broken girl in front of her back together, no matter the cost.  She couldn’t stand to see Clarke the way she was now, knowing that she was responsible.  Lexa knew that she herself was beyond saving, her sins too grave and numerous to ever be forgiven.  If she was being honest with herself, she also knew she didn’t deserve to be forgiven and was not seeking it.  However, she hoped to at least find a some form of redemption in restoring Clarke, even if the blonde ultimately chose to continue without her.  In that aspect, Lexa knew she was undeserving of Clarke’s empathy and would accept the blonde’s choices, whatever they may be. 

      For the millionth time, Lexa found herself wishing that the events from the Mountain had unfolded in a different way, that she had been able to find a way around the deal offered by Emerson.  She struggled to push the thought from her mind, knowing that what was done, was done and there was no use dwelling on it.  She couldn’t change anything now, she just had to focus on the girl lying before her and some how reconciling with her.  Sighing quietly, more so out of regret for having to remove her hand from Clarke’s then anything else, Lexa gently undid their entwined fingers, trying not to disturb the blonde.  She paused as Clarke quietly grumbled in her sleep, her brow furrowing in protest at Lexa’s movements.  Clarke mumbled a few more indistinguishable words before gripping Lexa’s hand more tightly, holding it in place.  Lexa bit back a chuckle at the movement, waiting for Clarke to settle once more before moving her own hand again.  Freeing it after another quiet moment, Lexa stood and stretched, her muscles aching from sleeping on the solid ground.  She picked up the flask and made her way to the stream, using the ample moonlight to guide her. 

      As she dunked the flask in the rushing water, the cool liquid running over her hand and causing her to involuntarily shudder, she turned her face to the sky to gaze at the stars above.  She had always found solace in their glow, always imagining it was the souls of those who had passed looking down upon her, guiding her in the dark.  She had often imagined Costia was the brightest of them all, usually focusing her conversations on that northernmost point in the sky.  Feeling the flask was full, she withdrew it from the water, her hand aching from the cold.  As she walked back to camp, carefully picking her way over fallen trees and rocks, her gaze fell over a large fallen tree on her right, illuminated brightly by the moon, as if beckoning to her.  Lexa recognized the small clearing it was settled in immediately and decided to momentarily detour on her way back to the makeshift camp and Clarke, curiosity driving her forward.  

      As she entered the clearing, she could still see the small circle of rocks that had been formed around a fire, ashes and charred branches sitting in the center of it.  She slowly walked over to the moss covered tree, running her hand over the soft spongy growth, her memories from the last time she had been there rushing over her.  She turned and slid down against the tree, assuming a sitting position so she could stare out over the clearing, just as she had before.  The ghost of a smile played across her lips as she recalled the last time she’d sat there.  

      She and Clarke had just barely escaped the clutches of the Pauna, due in large part to Clarke’s quick thinking.  They had set up a makeshift camp in the very same clearing, needing to take a few hours to rest from their trying experience.  They had agreed that one of them needed to keep watch while the other slept, deciding on doing so in shifts.  Lexa had offered to take the first shift, knowing the pain in her shoulder would prevent her from being able to sleep.  Clarke had tried to argue, stating Lexa was injured and required rest more.  Lexa had simply fixed her with a stare that had silenced the blonde’s further arguments, the look making it clear that Clarke would not win.  Clarke had eventually settled and fallen asleep, her breathing quiet but even.  Listening to it, Lexa had found her eyes drawn to the blonde’s face, peaceful and childlike in sleep.  Lexa had fought with herself mentally, yelling at herself that she was supposed to be keeping guard, not watching the sleeping girl in front of her.  It had proven fruitless, Lexa unable to tear her eyes from the wonder and beauty of the blonde, awestruck at how utterly at peace Clarke appeared.

      As she had sat there staring, she had lost track of time, forgetting to wake Clarke up for her shift.  Lexa knew she wouldn’t have been able to wake the girl regardless, too content to allow her to sleep.  Lexa had lost herself in her own thoughts of the girl, reflecting on everything they had just faced together.  Clarke had utterly stunned her by refusing to allow the Pauna to take her.  Then further shocked Lexa by following that with how tender she was while mending Lexa’s shoulder and telling Lexa that she needed her.  Sitting there in that clearing, thinking about what had transpired in the last few hours, the full weight of those moments pressed upon Lexa, a dawning realization befalling her suddenly and stilling the breath within her lungs.  It was in that moment that Lexa had realized the full depth of her feelings for the blonde, something her conscious mind had not had time to dwell on up to that point.  It had frozen her in place, her mind screaming at her that love was weakness and could not be allowed, but her heart quietly telling her it was ok, that this was right.

     She had sat there, in silent turmoil over the discovery, simultaneously fearful, nervous, and excited, each emotion fighting to take over.  She’d sat like that for hours, completely losing focus on almost everything else except the emotional battle in her own mind and the girl in front of her.  When Clarke had woken with a start, Lexa had barely been able to school her face into a calm mask over the storm of emotions present only moments before in order to reassure the girl that she was safe.  After that, it had been much harder to distance herself from Clarke, to deny that she had feelings for the girl, like she had been fooling herself into believing in the days before that event.

      Lexa leaned her head back, looking at the stars once again, letting out a emotionally laden sigh.  She couldn’t believe how far both of them had come in the recent months, both of them drastically different from the people that they had been the last time they had sat in this clearing.  Lexa wondered if they would ever get back to that level of trust and confidence in each other again.  Automatically, her eyes sought out the bright star to the north, seeking the comfort she usually found in it.  As she stared at it, lost in her own thoughts, she heard the quiet snap of a twig a few feet from the edges of the clearing.  She tensed and silently drew one of the knives she had taken off one of the dead Azgeda warriors.  

      Lexa silently moved over the fallen tree and crouched behind it, her eyes scanning for what ever had made the noise.  After another minute, she heard leaves rustling quietly a few feet to the left of the original noise, closer this time.  Lexa raised her knife, testing the weight in her hand and preparing to throw it the second she located the source of the noise.  In the glow of the moonlight, she saw the distinctive silver lining of an Azgeda cloak moving through the last line of bushes before the clearing.  Just as she had pulled back her arm to bury the knife in the person, she caught a flash of blonde hair.  She immediately breathed a sigh of relief, bringing the knife back down.  _Clarke_.   She moved to stand, but then paused, something in the girls demeanor as she entered the clearing causing Lexa to draw short.  Clarke’s shoulders were hunched and she had a heavy step, as though carrying the weight of the world upon her shoulders.  

      She watched as Clarke slowly walked into the clearing, her steps shuffling and her eyes glancing around quickly for threats.  Seeing none, she proceeded further into the clearing, walking over to the same ring of stones Lexa had passed.  Lexa saw a slight smile pull at the corners of the blonde’s mouth but it disappeared quickly.  The blonde forced it from her face almost immediately, as though she were afraid to smile.  Still crouched in the shadows, Lexa watched Clarke reach down and gently run her hands along the smooth rocks, clearly lost in her own thoughts.  Clarke cast her gaze around the clearing once more, focusing on the fallen tree that Lexa was currently hiding behind.  Lexa shrank back further into the shadows, not wanting to be discovered spying on this moment that Clarke clearly intended to be private.  Clarke, seeming to have come to the decision that she was alone, reached down and picked up one of the stones and in a one swift, smooth moment, she threw it will all the force she could muster at the space Lexa had occupied mere moments prior.  

      Lexa watched in silence as Clarke picked up stone after stone, throwing each with equal force at the same spot, an animalistic sound ripped from her throat as she released the last one.  As the last one struck the tree, sending moss and splinters flying, Clarke fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around her midsection, Lexa able to clearly see the girls chest heaving and tears flowing down her cheeks.  Clarke began to slowly rock herself back and forth, the movement an unconscious tic to try and comfort herself.  Lexa no longer wished to infringe on such an emotional and private moment, but she did not want to move and draw attention to herself either, giving away the fact that she had been watching Clarke’s outburst.  As a compromise, she cast her eyes downward, trying to give Clarke as much privacy as she could.  She squeezed her own eyes shut as she heard the muffled sobs emanating from where she knew the blonde now sat, and fought with herself not to step out of the shadows and comfort the girl.

      Clarke had sought out the privacy of this clearing, assuming that she would be able to fall apart alone.  Lexa knew she needed to have this moment to herself and interfering would only make things between them worse.  So she stood in silence, her eyes staring at the ground below and trying her best to ignore Clarke’s sobs as they echoed around the clearing, each one tearing into Lexa like a knife.  With each new sob, Lexa told herself that she had done this, she had caused the anguished pain so clearly undercutting each sob.  

      Clarke sat that way for what seemed like forever, slowly rocking back and forth, sobbing, her arms wrapped around her.  Lexa continued to listen, unable to move to comfort the girl or leave her in peace.  The forest, so utterly quiet, seemed to only magnify the sound of Clarke’s heart wrenching misery.  Finally, Lexa’s heart overruled her mind, and she took a step forward, fulling intending to wrap the blonde up in her own arms and provide Clarke with the same comfort and support she had provided Lexa earlier.  As Lexa had almost stepped out of the shadows she had been hidden in, Clarke’s head suddenly came up and she slowly shifted herself into a standing position.  Lexa froze but then quickly took a couple steps back, disappearing once more into the cover of darkness.  She watched as Clarke dragged her arm across her face, drying the tears there.  Lexa heard the shuddering intake of a deep breath and watched as Clarke turned her face upward to the stars.  It was immediately apparent that Clarke was looking for something, and she froze as she saw Clarke’s line of sight land on the same northerly star Lexa always searched for. 

      “I’m so lost, dad,” Lexa heard Clarke say quietly, still looking at the star.  

      Lexa’s mouth fell open slightly as she watched Clarke sniff and run her hands over her face again, Lexa surprised at the blonde’s quiet admission to the vibrant night sky.  

      “I couldn’t leave her to die…but having her here…having her back…it’s so much more difficult then you could ever imagine.”  Clarke shuffled her feet slightly, her eyes still locked on the stars.  “I understand why she did what she did, but that doesn’t make it hurt less…I’m still so _angry_.  I don’t know how to move past that…how to begin to heal or forgive…”  

      Lexa felt her stomach sink at the blonde’s words, the realization that Lexa was the “her” Clarke was referring to stealing the breath from her lungs.  She stood in stunned silence as Clarke continued, still unaware of Lexa’s presence.  Lexa could hear the anger behind the words as Clarke spoke, each sentence cutting deeper then the sobs had.  Lexa really wished now that she had found some way to leave, this moment too intimate for her to be a part of, the conversation not meant for her ears.  

      “I want to stay mad at her, to make her suffer the way I did,” Clarke whispered, her expression overcome with anger and the pain of betrayal.  

      Lexa watched the blonde’s hands ball into fists at her side.   Lexa’s heart thudded in her chest, the exact fears she had been trying to force down spilling to the forefront of her brain, running rampant.  She should have know, should not have expected any other decision from the blonde.  Clarke had only comforted Lexa because that was who Clarke was, empathetic when she saw someone in need.  Lexa was no more significant to Clarke than any other person and she had been a fool to believe otherwise.  The single truth hit her in the gut, nearly causing her to stumble backwards.  The blood was rushing in her ears now, the complete and utter foolishness of her earlier actions washing over her.  She watched as Clarke’s face softened, her expression changing to a mix of regret and sorrow.

      “But I know that isn’t me, and I hate the part of me that wishes that.  Even after…everything.”  Lexa saw Clarke visibly swallow at the last word, choking back emotion.  “But I know that I am no where near forgiving her.  I haven’t even forgiven myself…”  Clarke’s eyes closed against the waves of guilt and remorse that washed over her, rocking back on her heels slightly.  She took a moment to silently collect herself before continuing.

      “On the other hand, I feel like I can’t even be angry with her, not after everything I imagine she’s been through.  That angers me as well, how is it fair that I can’t even be angry” Clarke questioned, the irritated bite to her words returning once more as she glared at the sky.   “She betrayed _me._   She left _me._ I should be allowed to be angry without having to feel guilty about it.”  Clarke had begun waving her hands in the middle of her last statements, her frustration clear in each movement.  “In some twisted way, though, I think she suffered these last months because of me as well…”  For the first time since standing, Clarke cast her eyes downward to the grass at her feet, her face cast in shadows so Lexa couldn’t read it.  Clarke stayed that way for a long moment, still shuffling her feet.  Sniffing once more, Clarke looked back up at the night sky, taking a deep breath.  

      “How can you justify being so angry with someone who is already punishing themselves more then you ever could?  All the anger, the guilt, the sorrow…it disappears when I look at her…I hate that too…”

      Clarke searched the stars, as if the answer would come to her if she simply stared long enough.  Lexa stood in open-mouthed shock, staring at the blonde in the clearing, unaware until that point that Clarke had been able to see past the walls Lexa had built to hide her suffering behind.  Lexa thought she had hidden her own emotions well enough that the blonde wouldn’t see, but clearly she was mistaken.  Lexa silently wondered just how much the blonde _had_ seen.  Still staring in surprise, Lexa watched as a smile again ghosted at the corners of the blonde’s mouth, as though fighting to be freed but not quite making it.  

      “You would have really loved her, dad.  She is righteous, brave, and stronger then any person I’ve ever met.  She puts her people before herself in everything she does, much like you did.”  At that, Lexa watched a single tear creep from the corner of Clarke’s eye and roll down her cheek, uninhibited.  

      “She’s frustratingly stubborn, also like you, but she has the biggest heart- even though she tries so hard to hide it.  She doesn’t do very well with that, not as well as she’d like to think.  It shows in every thing she does for those around her.”  Lexa scoffed silently at that, knowing full well she hid her emotions behind very thick walls that were nearly impenetrable. 

      “Sometimes…sometimes I just wish she would put herself first.  Save herself instead of everyone else.”  Clarke’s words were no longer filled with anger, but with muted sorrow and pity for the Grounder she spoke of.

      Sighing heavily, Clarke brought her arms up to wrap around her chest once more.  “Everyday I wish you were still here.  I miss you so much…I love you, dad.”  Sighing one final time, Clarke turned and began walking from the clearing, headed in the direction of the stream.  Lexa remained frozen where she was, still stunned, Clarke’s words swirling around in her head; “ _it disappears when I look at her…I hate that too…”_.  It was clear that Clarke had not nearly said everything she wanted to during their last conversation.  Lexa refused to allow Clarke’s pity for her to prevent her from finding her own sense of closure, she had already caused the blonde enough pain.  If she stayed, resentment would only grow between them if Clarke was not given the time and space to deal with her own emotions.  She understood now that she was more a burden on Clarke then anything else, a constant reminder of what had happened at the Mountain.

      Lexa slowly emerged from the shadows, numbly climbing over the fallen tree once more, landing with a heavy thud on the other side.  The new perspective she had on Clarke was almost crushing in it’s weight.  Sliding down against the tree, she sat with a defeated air about her, all the previous happy thoughts from this place now replaced by the anger and sorrow filled ones just witnessed.  Lexa couldn’t even find it in herself to be comforted at the fact that Clarke found solace in the stars as well.  Her head was still spinning and as her hands fell to her side, one fell on something hard and smooth.  Looking down, she could just make out a small shape of something lying in the ground beneath her palm.  Picking it up and studying it more closely, she recognized it as a piece of one of the rocks Clarke had thrown earlier.  One of them must have broken when it struck the tree. 

      The piece was small, easily fitting into the Lexa’s palm.  It was roughly the size of a pebble, but had been split in half, one part rounded and the other end flat.  As Lexa ran her thumb over the flat portion, she could feel the rough edges where the stone had split.  Looking at it in the moonlight, she could see that half of it was the dark normal grey color of stone, the other half clear in color, a direct contrast to the other half.  Where the two colors met, it was like they had each tried to take over the other, compromising in the middle, soft tendrils from each mixing before fading into each other.  Looking more closely at the clear part, Lexa could see flaws in the colorlessness, bubbles or holes of some kind creating an extraordinary pattern that reminded her of the stars above.  

      Not giving it much thought, she tucked the stone into one of the folds of her cloak.  

      Sighing, she stood and paced for a few minutes, still deep in thought, before making a decision and turning toward the enclosure.  If she hurried, she could return and be gone before Clarke ever realized what had happened.  She had caused Clarke enough pain already and she did not intend to inflict anymore.  If this was what the blonde needed to piece herself back together, then that was what Lexa would give her.  Squaring her shoulders in determination against the silent decision, Lexa moved out of the clearing, sparing it one last glance before moving back to camp.  

 

**XXX**   

 

      Clarke had gone down to the stream to splash some of the cool water over her face, hoping that it would help her shake the vestiges of the emotional tirade from her.  When she had woken, alone, she had gladly taken the opportunity to work out some of her mounting frustrations.  She had walked to the clearing without any real thought of why her feet had carried her to that particular place.  Seeing the makeshift fire pit that she and Lexa had arranged the last time they were there, under drastically different circumstances, had pushed her over the edge and she’d lost control in a way that she rarely permitted.  As usual, in her darkest moments, she turned to her father for advice, always imagining that he was watching her from among the stars.  She missed him so much sometimes, especially when she was at her lowest points.  Their conversations the last few months had grown in frequency, Clarke talking to him nearly every night.

      The stream had quickly reinvigorated her and cleared her mind for a few moments, allowing her a few minutes of peace.  The unexpected outburst had surprised her, but she knew deep down that it was what she had needed to stay sane.  She had left her emotions pent up for months, refusing to allow herself to feel anything at all.  Though it was minor, and not nearly half of what she needed to say, she already felt better.  Breathing in the crisp cool night air, she began the walk back to camp, wondering if Lexa would have returned by then.  She had assumed the brunette had gone hunting or to relieve herself when Clarke had not run into her at the stream.  

      As she neared the enclosure that had been housing them the past few days, she saw Lexa leaving, an Azgeda cloak wrapped tightly around her.  She had what appeared to be a makeshift bag fashioned from the remaining cloth they had in one of her hands.  Clarke stopped in her tracks, confusion crossing her features when Lexa froze at the sight of her.  Clarke watched as guilt quickly crossed the brunette’s features, before it was quickly pushed away and her usual Commander mask took it’s place.

      “Lexa?” Clarke allowed her confusion to mingle in the single word.

      “Clarke.”  Lexa still hadn’t moved, and as she spoke Clarke’s name, she forced herself to be detached and cold.

      “What are you doing,” Clarke asked, her confusion still apparent.

      Lexa closed her eyes briefly before fixing Clarke with a blank stare.  “I am leaving, Clarke.”

      “You’re…you’re leaving…What?” Clarke was baffled, not understanding what the other girl meant.

      “Yes.  It is not safe for you as long as I am here.  No one knows you are the one who saved me, you may still return to a normal life,” Lexa replied nonchalantly, as if the explanation made all the sense in the world.

      Clarke’s mouth was slightly open, her brain working incredibly slow and having trouble processing what Lexa was trying to tell her.  “Normal life?  What normal life?  My life hasn’t been normal since I landed here!”

      “If it is discovered that you were the one to help me, you will be killed.” Clarke watched an unknown emotion flit across Lexa’s face before it was pulled behind the mask.  “I will not allow anyone else to die because of me, especially you.”

      “So you’re leaving? Just like that?  You’re not even going to discuss this with me?”  Clarke was trying to remain calm, but residual anger from earlier was beginning to boil in the pit of her stomach, threatening to break free.

      “It is not a topic I wish to discuss.  This is something that I must do, you can not change that,” Lexa said dismissively, refusing to let the blonde change her mind.

      “No,” Clarke replied immediately.

      “No?” Lexa questioned, taken aback.

      “Yeah.  No.  As in, it’s not going to happen, Lexa.”  Clarke was barely controlling her anger, her body shaking with the effort.

      Lexa sighed heavily, not trying to hide her frustration.  “Clarke, please, there is no point in arguing.  It is already decided.”

      “No, it isn’t!” Clarke exclaimed, her anger lashing out on it’s own accord.  “Stop telling me what to do!  I can make my own decisions and I don’t need _you_ to protect me!”

      Lexa’s eyes widened slightly as Clarke’s voice picked up in volume, the only sign that Clarke’s words were having any effect on her.  Lexa tried to tread carefully with her next words, not wanting to reveal what she had heard and seen in the clearing earlier.

      “Staying with me puts you directly in harms way.  I refuse to do so,” Lexa argued again, not having another reason that she could voice to the girl standing across from her.  She took a few steps, intending to simply walk off, but Clarke blocked her path.

      “No.  You don’t get to walk away, not again.”  The words cut deep, and Clarke knew it, but she was desperate to get Lexa to stay.  Lexa stared over Clarke’s shoulder, refusing to give Clarke the reaction she was looking for. 

      “Step out of my way, Clarke,” she said quietly, no malice behind the words.

      “No.  Not until you tell me why you’re really leaving,” Clarke said, crossing her arms.

      “I have already told you,” Lexa replied tiredly.

      “No.  The Commander told me why _she’s_ leaving.  I want you to tell me why _you’re_ leaving, Lexa,” Clarke said knowingly.

      Lexa paused a beat, considering her response and deciding the truth was always best.  “Because I can’t stand to hurt you anymore,” she whispered, still refusing to make eye contact.

      Clarke froze, not expecting that response, her mind trying to fully understand the words.  “How are you hurting me?  That’s absurd”

      “I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me, Clarke.  Do not pretend otherwise,” Lexa stated simply.  

      “I am not pretending.” The words were angry as they fell off her tongue.

      “That is not true and you know it, Clarke.”  Lexa was determinately looking at a knot in the tree behind Clarke, focusing on the way it wove into the trunk of the tree it was attached to.  “You are angry, even now.” 

      “I am angry because you keep making decisions without consulting me and then telling me it’s for my benefit or protection!”  Clarke’s anger unfurled itself, rearing its head. Clarke was nearly yelling at Lexa.  “Stop acting like you know what is best for me!”

      Lexa swallowed back her own emotions, not having expected this visceral a reaction from Clarke.  She continued to stare pointedly at the tree behind Clarke, knowing that if she looked at the blonde, she would change her mind.

      “I do know what is best, Clarke.  I have been where you are, have experienced the same.  You need to deal with whatever happened in that mountain and having me present only exacerbates the pain while also placing you in danger.  You’ve barely said three words about it, which means I am preventing you from dealing with that pain.  I am only trying to help,” Lexa tried to reason.  Her arguments were beginning to fall flat, even to her own ears.

      Sensing the shift in Lexa’s resolve, Clarke scoffed and crossed her arms in front of her once again.  “You know when I could have used your help?  When you left me to _die_ at the Mountain!”

      Lexa swallowed, her own anger building.  “Clearly you didn’t need my help,” she replied sarcastically.  If Clarke wouldn’t listen to reason, Lexa knew her emotions would force them apart if Lexa could make her angry enough.  It killed her to do so, but she knew in her heart this was what was best for the Sky Girl.  She watched out of the corner of her eye as the same devastatingly hurt look Clarke had worn at the Mountain washed over her face again.  Lexa almost took back her response.  Almost.  Instead, she reminded herself that she was poison, destroying anything she came into contact with.  She would not allow the same to happen to Clarke.  This was necessary.

      “Wow,” was all that Clarke could respond with, the single word broken as it fell in the space between them, hanging there.

      Again, Lexa actively fought her heart to comfort the girl, to tell her it was all a lie and she wanted nothing more then to stay and fix their problems together.  Her head won though, forcing her to move her feet and brush past Clarke, moving to leave yet again.  Before she had taken two steps though, a firm hand snaked out and gripped her elbow, spinning her around.  Lexa was unable to hide the surprise on her face, assuming her final comment would have pushed the other girl away.

      “Oh no, we’re not finished here.”  Lexa could feel Clarke’s rage through the touch, the blonde shaking as she firmly held Lexa in place.  Again, Lexa refused to look at the girl.  “You and I are similar, but we are not the same.  You’ve taken the cowards way out and closed yourself off emotionally, distancing yourself from everything and everyone under the delusion that it makes things easier to bear.  News flash, Lexa, shutting down and declaring your feelings weakness doesn’t make the pain less and it doesn’t fix anything.”

      “I-” Lexa sputtered, her own anger preparing to rear it’s head at the mention of her being a coward, but Clarke cut her off before she could form a coherent thought.

      “No, I’m not finished.” Clarke took a step in towards Lexa, her face inches from the brunettes.  The action forced Lexa to finally focus on the infuriated woman in front of her.  “You’re going to leave me?  Again?  Fine.  Then the least you can do is have the decency to look me in the eye and say it to my face.”

      Looking at Clarke’s eyes, the anger and the hurt so clear in them, Lexa lost her entire train of thought, her heart starting to fight against the reasoning of her mind.

      “We both know you’re lying to yourself, trying to take the easy way out and distance yourself from me because I make you feel everything,” Clarke continued.  “So, if you truly want to leave, say it to my face and we’ll go our separate ways.  I will never bother you again.”

      “Why are you so insistent on me staying, Clarke?!”  Lexa was shaking now as well, her anger at being declared a coward pushing her to her limit.  “I am no coward, but I do understand the weakness that emotion can bring with it.  I made that mistake once, I will not make it again.”

      This time it was Lexa who took a step forward, causing Clarke to lean back, the wrath in Lexa’s gaze surprising her.  “Do you wish to die?  Because that is all that awaits you if I remain here.  It is the only certainty that I can promise you.  This world is a cruel place and there is no room for emotion within it if you wish to survive,” Lexa seethed.  

      “So you’re content to carry on with life containing no happiness?  No love?  No hope?” Clarke asked incredulously.  

       “Yes.  If it keeps anyone else from dying, then yes.  It is a price I am more then happy to pay,” Lexa replied without hesitation. 

       Clarke narrowed her eyes and leaned forward, bringing her face within inches of Lexa’s.  Lexa could feel her breath tickle over her cheeks, playing on her lips, and had to resist the urge to close the space between them.  

       “I don’t believe you,” Clarke breathed, the anger still burning in her eyes.

      “Believe what you must, Clarke.  I am still leaving.”  Lexa stared back at the blonde, unwavering as she fought to keep her walls in place and praying her face betrayed nothing of the emotional catastrophe that was occurring behind it.

      Clarke stared a moment, as if searching for something within the determined lines of Lexa’s face.  They were so close that Clarke could smell the familiar scent of earthiness that she had come to associate with Lexa.  She fought the urge to bring their lips together, to prove once and for all that everything Lexa had said was a lie.  In the end, she just quietly propositioned Lexa one final time.  “Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t care enough to stay.”

      “It is not about whether I care or not, Clarke.  It is _because_ I care that I must go,” Lexa replied, silently begging Clarke to understand.

      “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Clarke deadpanned. 

      Lexa stiffened at the statement, drawing her face back and putting distance between them.  

      “It is what it is,” Lexa replied cooly.

      As Lexa stared into Clarke’s eyes, she watched the walls Clarke had so carefully assembled in the past months crumble to reveal the depth of Clarke’s anguish.  It was endless and pulled at Lexa’s heart, nearly breaking her resolve then and there.  There was a desperation and need within them, as Clarke waited for Lexa to make her final decision.  The two stood that way for an extended moment, Lexa fighting an internal battle between head and heart as she looked at the broken girl in front of her.  The silence grew pregnant with all the things that both wanted to still say, but knowing it was not the time for such words.  Logically Lexa knew she needed to leave, to tell Clarke that was what she wanted.  Emotionally, her heart begged her to stay, reasoned that they could fix each other, could only make each other stronger.  As the silence grew, Clarke finally released Lexa’s elbow and took a step back, dropping her eyes as she did so.

      “Please don’t leave me…not again.”  It was barely a whisper, nearly lost in the breeze that had suddenly picked up, but Lexa had heard it and her heart broke, shattering her resolve.

      Lexa visibly deflated, her shoulders slumping in defeat.  “Why can you not understand that I am only trying to do what is right for you?  I am just trying to keep you safe.  I could not bear it if anything happened to you because of me.”  Lexa dropped her own gaze as she spoke, staring at her feet, not wishing to see the hurt in Clarke’s eyes any longer.

      “Why can’t you trust me to watch out for myself,” Clarke asked gently.

      Lexa squeezed her eyes shut.  “I do trust you, Clarke.  You know that I do.”

      “Then why treat me as though you don’t?  Let me decide what is right for me,” Clarke urged.

      Lexa sighed heavily, suddenly filled with the knowledge that she was not going to win this argument and they would have to compromise, as they so often had in the past.  “This is what is best, the logical choice,” Lexa said weakly.

      “Possibly,” Clarke agreed, stepping closer to Lexa once more.  Her voice was soft when she asked, “But is it what you really want?”

      Lexa looked up in to the gentle blue eyes that she knew so well, had become so familiar and dependent upon, and knew that she had lost this fight.  She closed her eyes, her mind still yelling at her to turn and go, but shook her head slowly.  Opening her eyes, she looked directly at Clarke.

      “I will stay, if it is truly what you wish,” Lexa conceded.  

      She saw Clarke visibly relax, her shoulder drooping slightly, as if a ginormous pressure had been lifted from them.  Her face smoothed out and the hints of a smile played on her lips.

      “On one condition,” Lexa stated.

      “Name it,” Clarke replied warily, already assuming the worst.

      “Be honest with me.  Do not hide your feelings simply because you pity me,” Lexa asked.

      Clarke’s brows quirked in confusion, the girl clearly surprised that Lexa somehow knew that she had been doing exactly that.  “How…”

      “I can see right through you as well,” Lexa said wryly, using Clarke’s own words against her.  “I understand your pity, but it should not negate your own feelings.”

      “Ok, deal,” Clarke agreed, confusion still marring her features.

      With that, Lexa stepped back, breaking the tense atmosphere that had taken over them both and tearing Clarke out of her confused musings.  

      “We do still need to move on.  It will not be long until there are more warriors looking for the ones that we have already felled,” Lexa told her.

      “I agree,” Clarke responded as she moved into the enclosure, intending to ready Saragon.  She paused at the opening, looking back at Lexa expectantly, waiting for the other girl to follow.  “Are you coming?”

      “I have already gathered everything I need.  I can wait here for you,” Lexa replied.  Seeing Clarke hesitate, it clicked for Lexa that the blonde didn’t trust her not to leave.  “I gave you my word, Clarke.  I will wait,” she reassured.

      Clarke paused another moment, trying to decide whether or not she truly trusted the brunette standing before her.  Deciding that she would be able to track her even if she did leave, Clarke turned and began gathering her few items to leave, throwing them in her pack and slinging it over Saragon’s hindquarters.  Stamping out the fire, she threw one last look around the enclosure, making sure she wasn’t forgetting anything before proceeding back out to the forest, Saragon in tow. As she emerged, she was truly surprised to see Lexa still standing and waiting for her.  She swore she saw a smirk form on the brunettes face, but when she blinked, it was gone.  Falling into step beside Lexa, they set off into the forest.

 

**XXX**

 

      They had been walking in comfortable silence for a few hours, neither of them feeling the need to speak as they moved steadily South.  Clarke had allowed Lexa to choose the direction they travelled, knowing the girl was more familiar with the woods then Clarke ever hoped to be.  As they carefully picked their way over the rough terrain, Clarke could see the first slivers of dawn beginning in the East as the sun prepared to start its slow climb into the sky.  The interim between daybreak and the setting of the moon cast an impenetrable darkness on the land, making it more difficult for them to see where they were walking.  After a few minutes, Lexa paused and turned to Clarke.

      “We should rest a few moments until the sunlight is bright enough to see by,” she told Clarke.

      Clarke nodded once in agreement, moving to tie Saragon to a branch as Lexa wrestled the flask of water from the pack on his back.  She had added her items to the bag once it had been decided that they would stay together.  Freeing it, she offered it to Clarke first, who happily accepted as she sat on a large boulder.  

      “Where will we go?” Clarke asked as she undid the top and took a long pull.

      “Back to Polis, to my people,” Lexa replied without hesitation.  She watched as Clarke tensed and began coughing, water pouring from her mouth and running down her chin.  Lexa moved to kneel in front of her, concern covering her face.

      “Clarke, are you ok?”

      Clarke violently coughed a few times more and then took a shaking breath in.  “What do you mean ‘Back to Polis’?” she managed to wheeze out as she wiped her chin on her sleeve.

      “I will need to return to my people and ensure that they are ok,” Lexa replied, confused at Clarke’s reaction.  

      “Are you insane?  Lexa, they’ll kill you the second they see you!” Clarke exclaimed.

      “It is a likely possibility?  Yes.  But they are my people, and Nia is vicious,” Lexa explained calmly.

      “You can’t go back there.  What could you possibly hope to accomplish in doing so?” Clarke asked, still struggling to understand.

      “Nia needs to pay for what she has done.  She is a threat to the coalition.”  Lexa stood and stepped back as Clarke got to her feet. 

      “I agree that she does, but you will not be able to get anywhere close to her to accomplish that.  You don’t even know that there is a coalition left to save, let alone anyone still alive to help you,” Clarke told her.

      “I understand your concern, Clarke, but I can not just run from who I am.  I am not afforded that luxury.”  Lexa’s words were not meant to harm, Lexa having no idea that Clarke had done exactly that three months ago-was still doing it.  

      Lexa saw the immediate effect the words had on the other girl, Clarke’s expression clouding over as her thoughts took her to some other place. 

      “Clarke?” she asked tentatively, not understanding the sudden change in the other girl.  

      Clarke shook her head, trying to clear it and focus on the conversation they were having.  Lexa’s words had cut deeper then she knew, Clarke overcome briefly in guilt for leaving her family and friends behind.

      “What if you could?” she inquired quietly.

      “If I could, what?” Lexa asked, confused once more.

      “Run away.  Live your life the way you wished you could, without the burdens of responsibility.”  Clarke’s voice had taken on a wistful quality as she spoke, her expression indicating that she was no longer only referring to Lexa.

      Lexa walked over to the girl and gently placed a hand on her uninjured shoulder.  “Sadly, there are things that we are bound to in this life that we will always be responsible for.  The duty to protect my people is my responsibility in this life.  I can not run away just because it would be easier and safer.”

      Clarke’s head dipped at the words, trying to hide her disappointment from the other girl.  “I’m trying to see the logic in this, but I can’t,” Clarke mumbled, more to herself then anyone.  She was surprised when Lexa’s other hand came up to gently nudge her face up, her gaze meeting Lexa’s calm one.

      “I do not intend to go now, so put your worries aside.  I do not have nearly the strength I need to challenge Nia and her army,” Lexa reassured her.  “We can discuss this in a few days time.”

      Clarke merely nodded, wrapped up in the feel of Lexa’s warm fingers pressing into her chin.  She also didn’t trust her voice not to crack when she spoke, the rush of panic at losing Lexa surprising her and constricting her throat.  Seeing Clarke’s understanding, Lexa dropped her hands and stepped past her, picking up the flask she had dropped during her coughing fit.  Lexa upturned it, a couple drops falling from the opening.  Lexa quirked an eyebrow at Clarke.

      “Whoops?” Clarke said apologetically.

      “I guess for now, we’ll be trying to find a stream before we settle,” Lexa replied smoothly, a corner of her mouth turning upwards in a half smile.

      Clarke had to remind herself to breathe as she watched Lexa smile, knowing how rare a moment like this was.  When Lexa’s expression changed to one of confusion, Clarke realized she was staring with her mouth slightly open and moved to quickly undo Saragon.

      “Uh-um…a stream. Right! Uh.  Yeah, lets go do that,” Clarke stammered.  She quickly pulled Saragon in a random direction, hoping Lexa hadn’t seen the blush she could feel creeping up her neck.  

      “Clarke?” she heard Lexa call hesitantly from behind her.  

      “Yeah?” she replied, barely turning her face to look at the girl.

      “The moss is pointing this way,” Lexa told her, clearly biting back a smile.

      Clarke looked down at one of the trees beside her, seeing immediately that Lexa was correct.  “Right…right.  I was just seeing if you were paying attention,” Clarke said nonchalantly, marching past Lexa.

      “I see,” Lexa said, her tone implying that she didn’t believe Clarke for a second.

      Clarke just kept her head down and plowed forward, her single focus on trying to find water and wiping the image of Lexa smiling out of her head.

 

**XXX**

 

      They had been able to find a stream quickly, no more then a ten minute walk off the course that Lexa seemed to have set.  After they had filled their flask once more, they had found a small clearing that Lexa deemed acceptable to settle for a few hours rest.  Sitting down, Clarke immediately felt the exhaustion of the previous hours settle on her shoulders, making them heavy.  Lexa saw it settle as well and offered to take the first watch, which Clarke was too tired to argue over.  She knew it was unlikely that Lexa would wake her, but she would deal with that later.  Settling on the ground, she was asleep within minutes.  

      Her sleep was wracked with nightmares, as was the usual for her, but she woke with a start when she felt a hand cover her mouth, silencing the scream that had formed in her throat.  Opening her eyes, it was to find Lexa’s eyes staring down at her.  As soon as Lexa saw that Clarke was awake, she shook her head once and held her other hand to her lips, indicating for Clarke to be quiet.  Clarke nodded her head in understanding and Lexa removed her hand.  Pointing in front of her, Lexa crouched as Clarke quietly sat up and drew one of her knives from her boot.  Sitting still, she only had to wait a moment before she heard rustling within close proximity to them.  Squinting through the leaves of the foliage surrounding them, Clarke saw the afternoon sun glint of silver and blue fabric.

      “Azgeda,” she breathed, not even a whisper.  

      Lexa nodded, but did not look at her, still crouched low to the ground.  She waved her hand at Clarke one time to indicate that they needed to move, and Clarke tapped her shoulder, communicating without words that she understood.  They moved low and without sound towards the person who was steadily drawing closer.  Pressing themselves to trees, they held their breath as the warrior walked between them, sword drawn and at the ready.  As he took a few more steps, Clarke saw her opportunity and lunged at him, tackling him to the ground.  He was big, easily twice her size, but she had caught him off guard.  As they crashed to the ground, he simply used her momentum to throw her into one of the surrounding trees.  Her back collided with the trunk, the wind knocked out of her momentarily.  

      As she shook her hair out of her face, she saw a blur of brown hair streak across and impact with the Azgeda warrior who had been trying to regain his footing.  The solid thud of body meeting body made Clarke wince and she quickly scrambled to her feet to assist Lexa.  As she moved toward the two warriors, now locked in a quick paced game of close quarter hand-to-hand combat, Clarke saw the Ice Nation warrior had blonde hair interspersed with white.  She froze when one of Lexa’s blows caused the man to spin away and face Clarke.

      “Kai?” she said, her mouth falling open in shock.

      Kai froze where he stood, shock taking over his features as well.  “Skai Prisa?” he choked out.

      Lexa, seeing her opportunity at her enemies exposed back, landed a fierce kick to Kai’s knees, causing him to fall to the ground.

      “Lexa, stop!” Clarke yelled as she rushed to the fallen man.

      “Clarke, what are you doing?!” Lexa exclaimed as she reached to pull the blonde away from the deadly Azgedian.

      Clarke quickly shrugged her hands off though, helping Kai sit up.  “Kai, what are you doing out here?”  she asked.

      “Kai?  You know him?”  Lexa asked, knife still at the ready, waiting for an attack.

      “Yes, he was my mentor,” Clarke replied, looking up at Lexa.

      “You’re mentor?  What?”  Lexa was extremely baffled, her knife falling to her side as she watched Clarke help the mountain of a man to his feet.

      “Skai Prisa, what are _you_ doing out here?  And with her,” he asked, gesturing to Lexa.

      Lexa watched Clarke’s face cloud, guilt overcoming her features.  “I know you told me to stay put, but I had to make sure that my people were ok.  When I arrived in Polis, I found her and I couldn’t allow the Queen to kill her,” Clarke explained quickly.

      The man named Kai simply shook his head at her, disappointment clear on his features.  “I should have known better then to assume you would listen to a word I said that night.”  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “You know the Queen wants her head and the one of the person who helped her escape.”

      Clarke and Lexa both tensed as Kai’s gaze fell on his sword, which was still lying on the ground.  Lexa brought her knife back up, preparing to take the man out if he even twitched in the direction of the blade.

      “Then you understand that I will do what I must to protect us,” Clarke replied, sorrow coating her words.

      “I would expect no less from you,” Kai responded.  “However, you have nothing to fear.  I am not here to harm either of you.  I came to find you, Heda,” he said turning to Lexa.  With that he dropped to one knee, bowing before her.

      Clarke and Lexa exchanged a look, neither one of them understanding what was happening.  As Lexa struggled to find words, there was more rustling from behind Clarke and she turned in time to see a familiar face emerge from the foliage.

      “Indra!” Lexa exclaimed in disbelief.

      “Heda?” Indra froze in place, clearly not intending to find her Commander in the woods.  After a beat of surprised silence, Indra immediately dropped to her knee, bowing to Lexa as well.  

      Both Lexa and Clarke stared at the two warriors now bowing before Lexa, utterly frozen in shock at the turn of events, both at a loss for words.  Finally Clarke was able to form a coherent thought, breaking the tense silence.

      “Ok.  What the hell is going on?”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Three months later and y'all finally get an update. I do apologize, but after they killed off Lexa, it was very difficult for me to get motivated to write anything, let alone a Clexa canon-ish fic. But I'm back! Inspired and all (for now). So hopefully this update more than makes up for my absence.
> 
> As always, there are tags for a reason. Don't read it if you've got a problem with one of them.

Clarke’s question hung in the still air as she looked back and forth between the two bowed figures.  She glanced over at Lexa, whose expression told Clarke that she was just as baffled by what had just unfolded.  Lexa’s gaze flicked up to meet Clarke’s, her eyes silently asking Clarke if she knew what was going on.  Clarke simply shrugged her shoulders and turned back to Kai, still bowed before them.   
****

“Well?!” Clarke demanded, her frustration and confusion evident in the single word.

      After another beat, Kai slowly stood and faced Clarke, his hands palm up in surrender, indicating that he meant no harm.  Clarke, having trained with him for nearly three months, knew just how deadly he could be should he suddenly decide to switch to attack mode.  Keeping her own sword raised, she carefully stepped around Indra, determining that Kai was the larger threat in that moment.  She shifted smoothly to stand alongside Lexa, just slightly shielding the other girl with her own body.  Kai watched her movement closely, pride lighting behind his eyes as he watched Clarke’s strategic placement between him and the Commander.

      “I mean no harm.  To either of you,” he said reassuringly.

      The expression on Clarke’s face must have made it clear that she did not believe or trust him, her grip on the hilt of her sword tightening in response.

      “I want to believe you, Kai, but we both know who you’re loyal to,” Clarke responded vehemently.

      “It is true,” came Indra’s solid voice from alongside Clarke.

      Clarke didn’t move her gaze from Kai, knowing the second she was distracted, he could take advantage of the opportunity.  She heard Indra standing as well, the leaves crunching quietly under her weight as she moved.  Clarke felt Lexa shift beside her and unconsciously mirrored Lexa’s movements to remain a human shield between her and her former mentor.

      “We are working together, Heda,” Indra continued.  “He saved me from a certain death by the Queen’s hand, along with many others.” 

      Clarke felt Lexa shift slightly behind her, turning to look from Kai to Indra and back again, as though weighing the truthfulness of Indra’s words.  Remaining silent, Lexa turned back to Indra, urging her to continue with her gaze alone.

      “We have been scouring the woods, searching for any sign of you or the person who freed you.  We were not sure that you were alive, but needed confirmation either way,” Indra explained quietly.

      The effort of having to keep her sword raised was beginning to weigh on Clarke, the wound in her shoulder screaming in protest the longer she brandished the blade.  She shifted her feet, bringing the weapon to her left side, Kai watching her curiously.

      “How do we have proof that either of you is telling the truth?” Clarke asked warily.

      Lexa shifted behind her, moving to look at Indra.  “Because Indra would never betray me,” Lexa said matter-of-factly.

      Indra simply bowed her head humbly once in silent acknowledgement of that fact, clasping her hands in front of her.  Lexa may have been convinced of Indra’s loyalty, and Clarke trusted Lexa’s judgement of her own people, but Clarke knew Kai.  She knew how he felt about Nia and his people, that he would never betray her or them.  Clarke could not afford to trust the man not to hurt Lexa the moment she let her guard down.

      “Perhaps.  But you, Kai…you would never betray your Queen,” Clarke challenged.

      “That was true, at one point.  Things…things have changed.  What she has done…I fear there will be no forgiveness for what she asks of me.” Kai’s face darkened as he spoke, memories that only he was privy to flashing across his features before he continued.  “She is a spiritless woman now, no good left in her.  I can not serve someone who only wishes to hurt others for their own pleasure.”

      Clarke was unsure of what to believe.  From her limited interactions with Nia, she knew of the soulless being that Kai now spoke of.  She had looked into Nia’s eyes and had seen no shred of humanity in them, only cruelty and a hatred that even just the mere thought of caused a shiver run the length of Clarke’s spine.  Looking at Kai, she could see the absolute sincerity in his eyes as he spoke.  He seemed to truly believe what he was telling them and Indra had vouched for him, yet Clarke was still nervous to trust the man who had served his Queen so faithfully for the entirety of his life.  Still internally debating, she was surprised when Lexa’s hand reached out to rest on her outstretched arm, the gentle pressure causing Clarke to lower her sword slightly.  For the first time since coming face-to-face with Kai, Clarke allowed her eyes to leave his form, looking instead at Lexa’s.  

      Her eyes silently plead with Clarke to trust her, to trust the warriors in front of them, and to trust that the words they spoke were true.  Clarke hesitated for just another moment before deciding her shoulder could take no more regardless.  She sheathed her sword, careful to keep the waves of pain that wracked her body from the movements from crossing her features.  On the off chance that Kai was just fooling them, she didn’t want him to know she was injured.  It would be a weakness that he would undoubtedly exploit in a fight.  She glanced up to Lexa, seeing the girl watching her movements with knowing eyes, before focusing on Kai once more.  
      She saw relief flash across Kai’s face as he slowly lowered his own hands, an easy smile spreading over his face.  Clarke took a few steps towards him, closing the gap between them.  Her plan was to challenge his intentions, to threaten him should he go back on his word,  however, the words caught in her throat as she looked up into his kind and smiling face.  Looking at him, Clarke was torn between trusting only herself and trusting the man who had taken her in when she had no one else, who had at one time trusted _her_ despite her reputation.  Immediately Clarke felt shame for her behavior and dropped her gaze in guilt.  She extended her arm, a silent apology in the gesture.  Kai immediately grasped her forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze, accepting the truce she offered.

      “I’m sorry, Kai” she murmered.  “We’ve been hunted for nearly a week now and have no idea who we can trust anymore.  Knowing you, I just assumed…”  Clarke trailed off, her gaze now fixed on their joined arms.

      “Think nothing of it, Skai Prisa.  I would have done the same had our roles been reversed.  Your instincts are strong and you are an excellent warrior, do not ever doubt yourself,” Kai told her quietly as he released her arm.  

      Clarke nodded once, still too ashamed to meet his eyes.  She watched as he bent to retrieve his sword from the bed of moss it had fallen on and replace it in it’s sheath on his belt.  The sharp sound of metal running against leather as it hit home shook Clarke from her own thoughts and she looked up at Kai once more.

      “Well if you aren’t here to kill us, what are you here for?” Clarke asked, curious.

      Kai smiled wider, a slight chuckle escaping his lips.

      “Some things never change, I see.  Always straight to the point with you, Prisa,” he replied, still smiling.  Turning, he faced Lexa and Indra, speaking to Lexa this time.  “Heda, if you’ll have us, we would like to help you take back your throne,” he stated, gesturing between himself and Indra.

      “What makes you think she even wants her throne back?  That she wants to go back to Polis?” Clarke pipped up before Lexa had a chance to respond.

      “The Commander would never abandon her people or her position,” Kai said knowingly, still looking at Lexa.  

      “Say, hypothetically, that you are correct, that she will eventually try to go back to Polis and her people.  How do you plan to be of assistance?” Clarke asked.  
“Queen Nia does not know of my reservations concerning her,” Kai replied.  “She believes that I am out hunting you both.  My directive is to bring her Lexa’s head and that of the person who freed her.”

      Clarke looked at Lexa as Kai spoke, seeing her features darken minutely at the words.  Clarke knew the others would not see the change, but it was plain as day to her.  Having spent more time in Lexa’s company in recent days, Clarke had found herself noticing even the smallest changes in the other girl’s expressions.  She now found it easier to tell what the girl was thinking with even the faintest clench of her jaw or slight flaring of her nostrils.  Clarke knew that the mention of having one or both of them beheaded had likely stirred up memories of Costia’s demise, and her heart ached at the thought of the images flashing through Lexa’s mind.  Clarke fought against her desire to reach out and comfort the other girl, surprised at the sudden compassion she was filled with for the brunette.  She may still be angry, but Clarke had never been one to stand by and watch as another person suffered.  Clarke watched as Lexa debated something, then raised her face to address Kai.

      “Does Nia know of Clarke’s involvement in my escape?” Lexa asked quietly.

      “No, Heda, she does not,” Kai answered.

      Clarke saw the briefest flash of relief cross Lexa’s features at the words; a small droop to her shoulders as though an invisible weight had been lifted, a slight parting of her delicate lips as she exhaled quietly, and the few lines of worry that momentarily disappeared from her brow.  All subtle tells, visible only to Clarke who happened to be paying rapt attention to every movement the girl made.  Catching herself staring, Clarke quickly busied herself with returning to their makeshift camp and packing it up, the others in the group following her at a slight distance.  Her movements were quick and deliberate as she focused on them instead of the spark of heat that had flared in her chest as she had gazed at Lexa.  The conversation between Kai and Lexa continued behind her, Clarke barely paying attention.

      “You are correct, Kai,” Lexa finally acknowledged.  “I am eventually planning on returning to Polis and challenging Nia.”  Out of the corner of her eye, Lexa saw Clarke stiffen, her whole body tensing at the admission.  Lexa fought to maintain her train of thought as her mind instead tried to shift and analyze Clarke’s reaction.  “However, not for some time.  I need to make other preparations before I do so.”

      Kai and Indra both nodded their understanding, but this time, it was Indra who spoke.

      “We knew you would return if you were able to do so,” Indra stated.  “I sent a rider to Luna and she is more than happy to aid you.  Her people wait for us in the South.”

      This time, Clarke heard Lexa’s quiet sigh of relief at Indra’s words.  Turning slightly, she glanced at Lexa, surprised to see the first hints of happiness in the brunettes features since Clarke had saved her.  

      “That is a welcome relief, Indra, thank-you.  I knew if anyone were to help, it would be Luna.” Lexa moved to pick up a few items that Clarke had not gotten to yet, the brunette glancing quickly at Clarke as she did so.  “Clarke and I will move out at once.”

      “Heda, please allow us to travel with you.  Nia’s warriors are scouring these woods for you.  It was mere chance that we found you first,” Indra reasoned.

      A look darkened both girls features at the words, Kai picking up on the shift in mood almost immediately. 

      “We’re not the first you’ve run into, are we?” he asked tentatively.

      Clarke rubbed her injured shoulder absentmindedly, acutely aware of Lexa’s eyes following the motion, an unreadable expression flitting across her expression before she schooled her features once more.  “Not exactly,” Clarke muttered almost to herself.

      “Well then all the more reason to allow us to join you,” Kai argued.  
      “I will not have anyone else put in danger in my name,” Lexa stated, a dangerous tone edging her words, daring Kai to argue with her.  “Besides, others in Polis will need your help if what you have said is true.”

      “Heda…please,” Indra insisted quietly.  

      “Em pleni, Indra,” Lexa snapped, a note of finality in the words, effectively quieting the warrior and ending the argument.

      “Commander…” Clarke began, choosing to use Lexa’s formal title.  Seeing a warning look flash in Lexa’s eyes, Clarke swallowed heavily but carried on, “Can I speak with you, alone?”

      She saw Lexa’s jaw clench, working back and forth as she fought to maintain her composure.  Clarke knew that if she pushed Lexa too far in the wrong way, her point would be lost to Lexa’s stubbornness.  Without waiting for an answer, she walked a few paces away.  She turned to see Lexa had followed her, her eyes boring into Clarke’s with a look that warned Clarke not to test her. 

      “Lexa, please think about this before dismissing the idea completely.  They could be assets,” Clarke began.  Seeing that Lexa was fastidiously studying a point behind her shoulder, Clarke continued.  “I’m injured and you are no where near full fighting strength yet.  They could assist us with hunts and night watches.”

      “I am well enough to hunt and stand guard,” Lexa huffed proudly.

      “You say that now, but what happens in a couple hours when you’ve been on your feet all day or we’ve had to fight more Azgeda? Will you be able to stay awake then? Or hunt when we make camp?” Clarke challenged, already knowing the answer.  “Listen, I know how strong you are, how strong you can be, but you aren’t there yet.  You’re still recovering.  It’s ok to accept help from those who wish to offer it.  It is not weakness.”

      Lexa remained quiet, her gaze flicking to Clarke’s briefly before moving away once more.  Clarke saw her the muscles of her jaw tighten as she listened and Clarke found herself worrying for the girl’s teeth more than anything else in that moment.

      “Lexa, please just relax,” Clarke pled with her.

      “Relax?  Clarke, they want to join us, to fight and possibly die all to try and get me back on a throne that will likely never be mine again…should never be mine again.”  At the last statement, Lexa dropped her gaze, guilt crossing her features once more as memories were stirred up. “Even having you here makes me uneasy, your safety constantly in jeopardy for my own.  I refuse to allow anyone else to be hurt or killed trying to protect me from a fate that I more than deserve.”  

      Lexa finally looked up, punctuating her final words with a burning glare that seemed to set Clarke’s very soul on fire.  Clarke realized after a few silent moments that she was staring slightly wide mouthed again, completely distracted by the other girl.  Clearing her throat, she pulled her eyes away and cast a look at Indra and Kai, who were also now talking quietly amongst themselves but glancing at the two women every few minutes.  She tried to temper the rise of compassion she felt for the girl standing before her, wonder just exactly what she had been through to make her believe that she no longer deserved redemption or forgiveness.  It was a feeling that Clarke was all too familiar with, and it twisted her insides with the very thought.  Swallowing, Clarke looked once more at Lexa, noting the haunted look in her eyes, also all too familiar.  
      “Like I said before, Lexa.  Let us make that decision for ourselves.  Let us decide who or what is worth dying for.” Clarke instinctually moved her hand out to place it on Lexa’s arm in comfort, but stopped just shy of touching her, instead allowing it to fall back limply to her side.  Lexa simply stared at her, for once an unreadable emotion on her face. 

      “How does your shoulder feel? Was that worth it?” Lexa asked, anger seeping into her words.  “You’re injured because of me, because those men were trying to kill _me_.”

      Clarke stared at the other girl in front of her, her heart aching in her chest as she took in the guilt filled green eyes before her.  She watched as the mask that Lexa worked so hard to maintain shattered to pieces in front of her and Lexa bared her soul for a brief moment before she turned her eyes to the forest floor in shame.  The anguish, guilt, and self-hatred that Clarke had briefly seen flash through the brunette’s eyes tore at her own soul.  This time, when Clarke reached out, she didn’t hesitate.  Wrapping her hand around Lexa’s wrist, she squeezed it gently, reassuring the brunette and forcing Lexa to look back up at her.  Clarke searched Lexa’s eyes, but was no longer able to find any piece of the girl she had known before the mountain.  It nearly broke Clarke’s heart to only find a devastated and anguished shell of the brave and confident warrior that Clarke had known before.  Clarke yearned to fix that girl, to piece her back together, but knew that Lexa was not looking for her pity in that moment.  Lexa’s words spoke to a deeper doubt, something that only Clarke would be able to dispel.  Being sure to leave her eyes locked on Lexa’s, she took a deep breath and shifted her hand from Lexa’s wrist to her hand, grasping it firmly.

      “It was worth it.  Every hardship, every moment of pain, every stitch.  It was worth it.”  Clarke’s gaze was unwavering, equal in intensity to Lexa’s as she tried to communicate the million other unspoken meanings behind her words. She watched as the words sank in, Lexa trying her best to school her reaction to one of neutrality, but failing miserably.  Clarke saw the briefest flash of hope and relief before it was quickly covered.  Finally, Lexa’s gaze fell to their still joined hands as she visibly struggled to believe what Clarke was saying.  

      “Gustus used to say you were the coalition, that if you died, it would die with you.  I’ve seen Polis and I’ve see what Nia has done and what has happened to your people in your absence.”  Clarke took a deep breath before continuing, gathering her courage.  “You aren’t just the coalition.  Lexa, _you_ are peace and hope.  For everyone.  _You_ are worth it.”

      Clarke watched as Lexa stared intently at their hands, seemingly unable to look at Clarke.  Clarke heard the audible swallow that Lexa took, noting the delicate way the brunette’s throat bobbed with the action.  Time seemed to stand still as Clarke held her breath and waited for Lexa to make the next move.  Finally, Lexa drew in a shaking breath and swiped her thumb across the back of Clarke’s hand.  The motion was so quick and so soft that Clarke would have missed it had it not been for the sudden stuttering of her heart.  When Lexa continued to remain silent, Clarke’s impatience won out.

      “You told me that you trust me to watch out for myself, do you still believe that?” Clarke asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

      “Of course, Clarke,” Lexa replied, her own voice barely audible and laden with emotion.

      “Then should it not be the same for them?  I know that they feel the same way about you as I do, that they would argue the same points I have.  You asked me to trust that they would not harm us, now I am asking you to do the same.  We need the help.” Clarke urged gently.

      Lexa sighed heavily, coming to the realization that she was going to lose yet another argument.  This was beginning to occur too frequently in her opinion.  Seeing the defeat on Lexa’s face, Clarke’s mouth pulled up in a half smile of victory.

      “Thank-you,” she whispered, squeezing Lexa’s hand once more before dropping it.  Turning back to Kai and Indra, Clarke called out to them, “Come on, we’ve got a ton of ground to cover.”

      Lexa shook her head, still trying to understand how she had so gloriously lost that battle.  Indra silently approached her, glancing at her sideways.  When Lexa simply quirked an eyebrow in a silent question, Indra continued to side eye her before stepping forward.

      “I see some things never change,” the warrior muttered under her breath before continuing on.

      Lexa simply stared at her back in shock, mouth hanging slightly open.

 

**XXX**

 

      They traveled for a few more hours, always moving in a Southeastern direction, the vegetation surrounding them changing as they walked.  The trees and foliage became less dense, and changed to that of a more leafy variety.  Kai, who had knowledge of where the other Azgeda search teams would be, led them confidently through the now foreign land.  As the sun began to hang low in the late afternoon sky, they decided to make camp in a small clearing, using the low lying ferns as cover.  As they made preparations, Lexa was reluctant to admit that she was grateful she would not have to hunt, Indra having volunteered to do so almost immediately upon stopping.  Lexa could feel the strain of not having slept in nearly two days weighing on her still weakened frame; it made her long for rest.  

      During their travels, she had watched as Clarke and Kai interacted, the bond between the two clearly present.  Lexa had also noticed that Clarke never fully let her guard down.  Lexa had assumed that Clarke was only guarded around her, but seeing her with Kai, Lexa was beginning to understand that Clarke now held everyone at arms length.  She had spent most of her time silently pondering when Clarke had begun to do so, knowing it was likely a result of what had transpired in the mountain.  She had also been afforded the opportunity to ponder Clarke’s earlier words, wondering why the blonde believed so highly in her after everything she had done and what she had become.  Clarke’s words had left Lexa speechless and her mind reeling.  While she had believed she at least needed to make and attempt to regain her place as Heda, Lexa had only been planning to do so out of required obligation.  Now, however, she felt a hope growing within her chest that made her believe that in time, she might want to do so for herself as well.  
Lexa had set out to gather wood to build a fire, one task that was relatively easy for her tired body to complete yet still a contribution to the group.  When she returned, it was to find Clarke sitting by herself on a felled tree, clearly deep in thought.  As Lexa placed the wood on the ground at the center of the clearing, the noise seemed to shake Clarke from her reverie and she moved to help Lexa build the fire.  Kneeling on the ground beside the blonde, Lexa began slowly stacking sticks in a layered fashion that would allow the fire to burn all night with minimal attention.  

      “Where is Kai?” Lexa asked.

      “He went to go try and find water,” Clarke said, still clearly distracted by whatever she had been thinking about, idly playing with a stick.

      “Would you like you talk about it?” Lexa inquired gently.

      Clarke’s brow furrowed in surprise as she regarded Lexa.  “Talk about what?” 

      “Whatever has you stripping that piece of wood to within an inch of it’s life,” Lexa replied, gesturing to the stick that Clarke had been absentmindedly shredding with her hand.

      “Oh…” Clarke threw the stick on the pile and sat back on her heels. “I just…I was just thinking about earlier…you seemed so devastated, so…” Clarke searched for the right word, not wanting to offend the other girl.  “Broken,” she finally decided on.

      Lexa looked surprised, but masked it quickly.  “I am fine, Clarke,” she replied, busying herself with arranging the wood properly.  “In time, things will be back to normal.  I will be back to normal.”

      “Well, I just wanted you to know that if you ever want to talk about what happened to make you feel that way, I’ll listen,” Clarke offered.

      Focusing on the stick she was spinning in between her palms as she created enough friction to spark the kindling, Lexa contemplated Clark’s words.

      “There is nothing to speak about.  I will be ok,” she replied finally.

      “I understand,” Clarke said quietly, dropping her gaze to look at her hands. 

      The two fell into an awkward silence, the only noise coming from the quiet crackling of the growing fire.  Lexa continued to stare into the flames, dancing and crawling along the pieces of wood, not actually seeing anything, lost in her own thoughts.  Unconsciously, she heard Clarke shuffle, settling into a more comfortable seated position next to her.  Lexa was suddenly very aware of the heat coming from both the fire and the girl sitting within inches of her own body, unable to determine where one ended and the other began. 

      Lexa swallowed, struggling to keep herself from inching closer to the blonde.  Clarke’s words had made it seem as though the blonde cared for her, but she knew that was almost certainly not the case.  She didn’t want to make Clarke uncomfortable in any way, even though the proximity of the blonde seemed to imply she was quite comfortable with Lexa.  Either that, or she was just _really_ cold.  Knowing what she had done in the past three months as a Reaper, Lexa couldn’t quite fathom why anyone would be comfortable enough to be alone with her, let alone sit right next to her.

      Thoughts swirled around in Lexa’s head, but she was unable to focus on a single one due to her close proximity to the subject of most of them.  Lexa finally grasped onto one, the one she had been struggling to understand since realizing it had been Clarke that had saved her.  She shifted once more, nervous to bring the subject up; more anxious about what Clarke’s answer may be.  She found herself playing with the piece of rock in her pocket that she had picked up the night before, the smooth and rough edges giving her a focus point for all the nervous energy.  
      “Can I ask _you_ something?” Lexa asked, voice barely above a whisper.  
      “Sure,” Clarke responded, absentmindedly drawing in the dirt and ashes on the ground before her.

      “Why…why did you save me?”  Lexa watched Clarke’s hands still, halfway through drawing a symbol of some kind.  “You do not need to answer if you do not wish too.  I am simply curious.  Of anyone who would have come to my aid, I would have expected you the least.  Especially after what had done.”

      Clarke remained silent for a long moment, Lexa beginning to suspect she may not respond.  She focused on the feel of the stone in her hand, not the hurt in her chest that was beginning to take shape the longer the silence stretched.  Finally she heard Clarke sigh resignedly and look up, her eyes meeting Lexa’s.

      “Because you didn’t deserve that death.  You didn’t deserve the way you had been treated; and because if you die, so does the coalition.  Your coalition protects my people,” Clarke explained.

      Lexa turned her focus back to the fire that burned before them, slowly nodding as she mulled over the words.  The words were similar to those spoken by Clarke earlier.  The first two reasons surprised her, but that last one made logical sense, that Clarke would save Lexa to protect Skaikru.  The ache that had taken up residence in Lexa’s chest only burned harsher at the words, Lexa understanding that Clarke had simply saved her out of duty to her people.  Lexa could certainly understand that from a leader’s perspective; personally, she knew that she had been hoping that Clarke had had other reasons for saving her.  The silence grew awkward once again as Lexa fought with the emotions waring within her, trying to maintain control.

      “I couldn’t leave you either.”  The words were whispered so silently, like an unintended confession, that Lexa almost missed them.  

      Lexa ripped her gaze from the fire to look at Clarke, taking in the startled look on the blonde’s face, as though Clarke was also shocked at what she had said.  Clarke’s earlier words echoed in her head once more, _“you are peace and hope…”_.  Though fleeting, Lexa felt Clarke’s walls fall before her for just a moment before Clarke shored them back up once more.  Lexa found herself focused on Clarke’s lips with an intensity she’d thought she’d long forgotten as the blonde’s tongue darted out to wet her chapped lips.  A loud pop from the fire broke her gaze and brought her back to reality, her eyes flicking up to Clarke’s to find them staring at her.  Lexa felt heat burn up at her neck as she realized Clarke had probably seen her staring unabashedly at her.  

      She watched as Clarke’s gaze turned from startled and morphed into something close to determination, as though Clarke had made up her mind about something in that moment; as though she had decided that telling Lexa she couldn’t leave her hadn’t been a mistake, a slip of the tongue.  Before Lexa could question Clarke on it further, Indra returned to camp, triumphantly carrying a fox and rabbit in her hands.  When she caught sight of Clarke and Lexa sitting so closely together in front of the fire, Lexa swore she saw her eyes roll, but couldn’t be sure.  Lexa cleared her throat and quickly rose to assist Indra in cleaning the kills.  Lexa watched as Clarke stood and walked quickly away from the camp, mumbling something about finding Kai.  When Lexa turned back, it was to find Indra giving her the side-eyed look again.  Ducking her head and pulling the fox over, she quickly got to work.

      “Don’t start,” she muttered to Indra, keeping her eyes focused on the task before her.

 

**XXX**

 

      After they ate, Clarke declared that she and Kai would take the first watch, allowing Lexa and Indra to rest.  Lexa nearly sagged with relief at the idea of being able to finally sleep, and quickly settled on the ground near the fire.  Indra settled down opposite to her, falling asleep the second her head hit the dirt.  Lexa laid on the ground and closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to pull her into it’s grasp.  
****

      Clarke sat with Kai, once again appreciating that he respected her enough not to push her for answers.  She watched as his talented hands whittled away at a stick of wood with his knife, shaping it into something she couldn’t yet make out.  She had forgotten how relaxing it could be to watch him work, one artist appreciating another.  She let her mind wander, losing herself to the many thoughts that seemed to burden her young mind, and unconsciously let out a heavy sigh.  Smirking, Kai stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

      “You sigh as though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Prisa,” he commented.

      “I guess in a way, you could say that,” Clarke replied.

      “What troubles you?” Kai ventured, knowing it was unlikely that Clarke would answer.  She was usually very reserved.

      Clarke chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, weighing her words.  “I just don’t understand how your world works, I guess.”

      “How our world works?  Or how Heda works?” Kai asked knowingly.

      Clarke sighed again.  “Both, I guess.”

      “You don’t understand why she wishes to travel alone, why she is so resistant to allowing us to fight with her” Kai deduced.

      Clarke simply nodded in response.  Kai returned to working on his piece of wood, a contemplative look coming over his features as he worked, as though he too was now weighing his words.  Finally, he spoke.

      “Heda will always put her people first.  Not only because it is her duty as Commander, but because it is who she is as a person.  Even if that means putting herself in danger or sacrificing herself.  Not many of us would be willing to sacrifice what she has for her people, many of whom are strangers,”  Kai began.  “While it is true that many of us have lost much in this harsh world, she has lost much more.  She would likely be reluctant to put those she cared about in harms way.”

      “I suppose that makes sense,” Clarke begrudgingly agreed.  

      “Do not act as though you would be any different.  You are more stubborn than a pig,” Kai pointed out.

      “Hey!” Clarke feigned offense as she lightly smacked Kai’s arm.

      Kai laughed, the hearty sound comforting to Clarke.  It managed to briefly put a smile on her face. 

      “Was she always like this?” Clarke wondered aloud, mostly to herself.

      “I did not know her growing up, but knowing of past Commanders, I know that she would have been taken from her family to Polis at a very young age.  From that day on, she would be set on the warrior’s path, the path of a leader.  She would not have been afforded the opportunity to be a child, to enjoy what that entailed.”  Kai surprised Clarke by answering.

      Clarke’s heart ached at the idea of a younger Lexa, one that was forced to study and train as other children her age were free to run about and play, free of the responsibilities and obligations that being Heda demanded.  Clarke had never stopped to think about what Lexa’s life had been like growing up, but Kai’s words painted a sad picture.  She imagined Lexa being forced to leave her childhood behind and take on the burdens of adulthood far too early.  Clarke knew that Lexa was generally very closed off about her past, having only mentioned Costia briefly one time, but Kai’s words now made her wonder what other trials and tribulations Lexa had endured, wondered what had shaped that steely exterior that protected a bleeding heart.

      “I do not know much about her, most people do not, she is as closed off as you are.”  Kai smiled at that, showing that he was not bothered by Clarke’s standoffish nature.  “However, Lexa is the most caring Heda that I can remember through all my years.  She wears an excellent mask, but her actions communicate just how much she cares for her people, how far she is willing to go for them.  Just as yours do.”  Kai fell silent after that, focusing on his work.

      Clarke silently mulled over Kai’s words, her thoughts wandering back to those of Lexa as a child, and she smiles slightly as she thinks of a mini sword wielding Commander.  The image nearly pulled a chuckle from her before she forced it back down.  She had killed an entire civilization, she was not allowed to laugh or find pleasure in anything.  Standing, she stretched her back as the hours spent sitting on the ground made their presence known.  Kai looked up at her, stilling his hands once more.

      “I know I never pressed you for details when you showed up in my city, but I know you were once a great leader as well.  The difference between you and Heda is that you had the option to leave your people.  They were able to learn to survive without you, make decisions without you.  Heda is not afforded that opportunity, nor would she want it.”  Kai turned back to his work, the rough shape of a bear beginning to take form. 

      Clarke turned her face to the sky, moonless tonight, and thought about what Kai had said.  She knew that he was correct, that Clarke had been lucky to be able to leave her family and friends so that she could make sense of what she had done.  While his explanation made sense, Clarke knew that the only person who could explain the tortured look Clarke had seen in Lexa’s eyes earlier, was Lexa.  Looking over at the brunette’s sleeping form, currently curled into the fetal position with her back to Clarke, she marveled at how strong someone had to be to go through what Lexa had and still be willing to return to her people.  Sighing, she sat back down next to Kai, stretching her feet out in front of her this time.

      “Thank-you,” she said quietly.

      “Of course.  Sometimes we all lose sight of the truth of who we are,” Kai responded.

      Clarke looked at him and quirked an eyebrow.  “Are you trying to tell me that I need to go back to my people as well?”

      “In time.  If that is what you want,” Kai replied, not looking up from the figure he was smoothing out.  “We all have responsibilities in this life, sometimes running from them only makes it worse when we turn around to face them.”

      “I don’t know if I ever can,” Clarke barely whispered.

      Kai put down his knife and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.  “Sometimes it is the people in our lives that help us with our biggest problems.  We do not always have to suffer alone.”

      With that, Kai stood and stretched, moving to walk out of their camp.  “I’ll take the first sweep.  I will return shortly.”

      Clarke let out an emotionally laden sigh as she leaned back on her hands.  She looked back up at the sky, searching for the star she was so familiar with.

      “He is right, you know.”  Clarke startled at the quiet words behind her.  She turned to find Lexa sitting up and staring at her.  

      “I’m sorry, I hope we didn’t wake you,” Clarke apologized quickly, wondering how much of their conversation Lexa had overheard.

      Lexa shifted to her feet and walked to where Clarke was sitting, raising her eyebrows in a silent question.  Clarke nodded, shifting over slightly to allow the other girl to sit.  Lexa sat down gracefully, crossing her legs beneath her.  She absentmindedly played with the grass in front of her before turning to face Clarke.

      “You didn’t wake me.  Sleep seems to elude me,” she admitted quietly.

      Clarke nodded in understanding, knowing immediately what she meant.  “Sometimes I can’t sleep either.  Sometimes I don’t want to,” she replied without being prompted.

      It was Lexa’s turn to nod in understanding, her hands still playing with the grass before her.  Clarke found it endearing that Lexa had such a nervous habit, the action making her appear more like the girl she was rather than the leader.  Clarke watched her delicate and long fingers as they fidget in the grass, transfixed at the motion of them.  Absentmindedly, Clarke wondered what else those hands could accomplish, her mind wandering.  When they suddenly stilled, Clarke tore her gaze from them and looked up to find Lexa staring at her quizzically.  Clarke felt heat rush to her face and cleared her throat.  She swore she saw Lexa smirk in the dull light of the now low burning fire, but as fast as it had appeared, it was gone.

      “Do you mind if I ask you something?” Clarke asked finally, trying to deflect Lexa’s attention from her burning cheeks.

      “You may always ask me anything, Clarke,” Lexa replied.

      “What was it like for you growing up?  Did you always know you were going to be the Commander?”  Clarke watched as Lexa’s features darkened minutely, only to see the familiar mask slip back into place a moment later.  

      “I always knew it was a possibility, though it was never guaranteed.” Lexa said, her voice utterly emotionless.  Clarke didn’t miss the fact that Lexa had skipped over her first question.  Sensing that it wasn’t a topic Lexa wished to discuss, Clarke didn’t push.  Instead, she simply nodded and turned back to the surrounding woods, waiting for Kai’s return.  She was surprised when Lexa shifted next to her, turning to face the woods as well while also moving slightly closer to Clarke.  Clarke heard her deep intake of breath before she began speaking quietly.

      “I was born in a village near TonDC, nearly twenty-one summers ago.  As you already know, I’m from Trikru, the Woods Clan.  Of the Twelve Clans, Trikru is one of the more peaceful Clans, only fighting when absolutely necessary.”  Clarke shifted so that she could watch the wood line and Lexa’s face simultaneously.  She watched as a small smile spread over Lexa’s face as the brunette continues. “Both my mother and father were caring souls, neither one of them warriors.  My mother was a blacksmith, making beautiful weapons, designs that I have yet to see rivaled.  Their beauty reflected her own, each one made with care and purpose.  My father was a teacher, always eager to educate both young and old alike.  I remember sitting and listening to him tell stories of the first Commander and being completely enthralled by the way he could weave a tale and make it come to life.”

      Lexa paused to clear her throat, her eyes meeting Clarke’s briefly before she looked back down at her hands.  “It was my fifth summer when the riders from Polis entered our village.  They sought my parents out, stating that I had some connection to the Commander’s sacred bloodline.  I didn’t understand what they were talking about, but I could see both pride and grief in my parent’s faces at the news.  No Commander had ever been chosen from Trikru, I was to be the first.  They explained to me that in the morning I would be accompanying the riders back to Polis where I was to begin my training immediately.  I remember being so sad when they told me they could not go with me.” 

      Clarke watched Lexa’s smile turn sad before it disappeared completely.  Clarke noticed Lexa’s hands clench almost imperceptibly in her lap as she took another deep breath.  

       “That night, as my village slept, Azgeda soldiers entered our village with murderous intent.  They went house to house, seeking out the riders from Polis and whomever they had come to collect, that person being me.  My father heard the neighbors screaming, right before the Azgeda kicked in our door.  In that brief time, he and my mother were able to hide me in the food storage space we had under our floor.  When the Azgeda came in, they demanded to know where I was; neither of my parents would say a word to them.”

      Clarke watched as Lexa’s jaw clenched, her eyes becoming glassy as memories of that night flickered across her mind.  Sensing where the story was going, Clarke reached out and gently pried Lexa’s hands apart, lacing her fingers with Lexa’s and holding it between both of her own.  Lexa’s gaze remained on her lap but she seemed to draw strength from the gesture.

      “You don’t need to tell me this,” Clarke murmured.

      “I know.”  Lexa took a shaky breath and expelled the air in a single rush, as though pushing out her demons with it.  “I want to though.”

      Clarke gave her hand a gentle squeeze, bringing their joined hands to rest on her knee. 

      “My father told me not to come out, no matter what I heard or saw.  The wood on our floor was old, warped in places and it afforded me the ability to see though cracks.  The Azgeda struck down my father first, knocking him to the floor so that he couldn’t fight.  They underestimated my mother, however, due to her slight figure.  While they were preoccupied with my father, she ran to retrieve one of the many swords she had made and kept in the house.  Though she was never a warrior, she was not an unskilled fighter either.  After all, the clans were not in peace time and there were constantly skirmishes.”

      Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s hand tightened as she continued.  

      “My mother killed two warriors before the third even realized what had happened.  Though she fought well, the remaining three were too much and eventually overpowered her.  My father was unable to help, having been rendered unconscious with the first blow.  They secured my mother first, then my father, tying both to chairs and making them face each other.  It took everything in me not to burst from my hiding spot and run to them.  My father came around shortly after, fighting against his bonds to no avail.”

      Clarke heard Lexa audibly swallow and watched as her throat bobbed with the action.  Clarke was gripping her hand as tightly as Lexa was gripping hers, neither one of them willing to finish the horrid tale but being unable to stop.

      “They tortured both of them for hours, their screams echoing off our stone walls and tearing at my soul.  I had never seen so much blood in my life nor heard something so agonizing and horrific as my own parents in pain.  Soon, their blood ran across the floor and dripped through the cracks, falling on me and soaking me.  I paid it no mind, solely focused on the horrors taking place in front of me.  I was frozen.  I couldn’t look away and I couldn’t move to help them.  I watched in terror as they were beaten and cut in turn, each refusing to tell the Azgedians where I was.  Finally, after hours and hours, the warriors gave into their anger and killed both of them, leaving their bodies tied to the chairs.  Still, I did not move.  I have no idea how long I was under the floor boards, covered in the blood of my parents who had died to protect me.”

      Clarke watched as a single tear fell freely down Lexa’s cheek, the brunette paying it no mind. Lexa stared blankly off into the wood line, as though transfixed by something beyond Clarke’s ability to see.  Clarke knew she was reliving the nightmare that was that night, the Lexa in front of her more akin to her six-year-old self then her current adult form.  Clarke’s heart ached in her chest for the girl in front of her, the one that had witness such horrors at such a young age and had been helpless to stop them.  As Clarke watched Lexa, she was astounded at how the girl before her could still care for anyone.  All the pain and misery that Lexa had endured would be enough to harden any normal person to love, but not her.  Rather, it had made her into the most revolutionary, kind, fair, and peaceful leader that Clarke had ever seen.  It was nearly unfathomable.

      “I’m so sorry, Lexa.  I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered, her voice cracking as she tried to maintain her composure.  

      “Do not apologize, Clarke.  It is in the past.”  Lexa gave Clarke’s hand a reassuring squeeze as she finally turned to look at the blonde.  “As I said, I had no idea how long I had been hiding in the floor after the soldiers left, but I suspect it was at least a couple days.  Anya is the one who found me, hauled me out, and pulled me from my house that then reeked of death.  She searched me for wounds, realizing that none of the blood I was covered in was my own.  It was the one and only time that I ever remember Anya looking anything other than angry.”  

      Lexa’s lips twitch in a brief smile as she recalled her always brooding mentor.  

      “Watching you and Kai together reminds me of how we used to be.  Anyways, she cleaned me up and took me to Polis herself.  The whole trip to me was a blur and I never said a word.  When we arrived in the city, I was taken to the ruling Commander and stood back as Anya informed him of what had transpired in my village.  I didn’t listen to much of what was being said, but I heard enough to know I was the only survivor.  They had slaughtered my entire village just to find me.  I refused to eat and do anything other than sit and stare, content to waste away.  Finally, Anya literally had to smack sense into me.”  Lexa chuckled quietly at that, just a whisper of noise.

      “She yelled at me that my entire village, including my parents, had not sacrificed themselves for me so that I could throw my birth right, the very thing they had died for, out the window.  After that, I ate, but still didn’t speak.  About a year after I had been brought to the city, I was wandering the streets between trainings when I met Costia.  She was the daughter of one of the Commander’s guards and was my age.  After meeting her, my whole world changed for the better.  She brought me out of my self-imposed silence and truly convinced me that I deserved to be the next Commander.  We often trained together and she was by my side when I became Heda at sixteen.”

      Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand encouragingly while also silently thanking the sweet girl she had never met that had helped heal Lexa’s wounds.  Lexa took in a shaky breath, turning to face Clarke fully.  

      “You were right when you told me that life is about more then just surviving, Clarke.  Sometimes even I forget that.  You reminded me, just as Costia did, and for that I thank you.”  Lexa stared at Clarke intently, her gaze unwavering and her face an open book of emotion for Clarke to read.

      Clarke stared without looking away, understanding how difficult it had to be for Lexa to open up to her in such a manner.  Finally, Lexa looked away and wiped at her cheeks, brushing away the tracks of the few tears that escaped as she had recounted her childhood.

      “This story is also the reason that I must go back to my people.  It is why I will always return to them.  Too many have sacrificed so that I may lead my people into peace, so that I may end the violence.” Lexa explained, looking at their joined hands.  

      Clarke nodded her understanding, then looked at Lexa.  “I understand,” she said quietly, rubbing her thumb across the back of Lexa’s hand absentmindedly.  They sat that way for a while, each finding comfort in the other.

      “I should try and rest now or I will not be fit for watch in a few hours time.”  Lexa pulled her hand from Clarke’s, Clarke immediately missing the warmth and comfort it had afforded her.  She watched as the familiar mask fell back into place on Lexa’s face and sighed slightly.  As Lexa moved back to her place at the fire, Clarke turned and caught her eye.

      “Mochof, Leksa.  Reshop,” she murmured quietly.

      She watched Lexa’s eyes widened slightly at her use of Trigedasleng, and then the brunette nodded once before lying down.  

 

**XXX**

 

      Clarke’s sleep was restless, per the usual, and she felt as though she’d barely rested at all when Lexa gently shook her awake and offered her nuts and berries for breakfast.  Clarke’s dreams were filled with a blood covered six year-old Lexa who sat stoically and watched her parents die, helpless to do anything to stop the violence.  As she woke, she found it difficult to shake the chilling images and the feelings they had produced.  Lexa watched her as though she could tell that what she had told Clarke the previous night has been added to the list of things that haunted the blonde in her sleep.  She looked apologetic until Clarke gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze as they were preparing Saragon to depart.  Clarke noted the circles that seemed to be growing darker under the Commander’s eyes and worried more about what kept the brunette from restful sleep at night.   
****

      As they continue south, Clarke watched from behind as Lexa walked alongside Kai, Kai’s brow furrowed in concentration as Lexa spoke quietly to him.  After several minutes of quiet words and gestures exchanged back and forth, Lexa nodded at Kai and dropped back to walk alongside Clarke.  

      “What was that about?” Clarke asked, motioning to Kai.

      “Just discussing the best course of action to get us where we need to go,” Lexa replied evasively.

      “Where exactly _are_ we going?  I know you said South, but how far are we talking?” Clarke asked curiously, never really having given thought to their specific destination.  Outside of the dropship, the Azgeda city she’d trained in, and TonDC, she had no idea where any other civilizations were.

      “To the oceans.  I need to see Luna.  She will be the most useful in regaining my foothold as Heda,” Lexa says easily.

      “Luna…I think Lincoln or Octavia mentioned her once before.  How long is the journey?” Clarke inquires.

      “At least another couple days by horse.  Longer since we are on foot.  Kai doesn’t believe the Azgeda have made it this far yet.”  Lexa studied Clarke as she said that, gauging her reaction.  What she sees seems to satisfy her and she looks away after a few moments pass.\

      Clarke allows the silence to grow, content to just listen to the forest around them.  The sounds of the wildlife surrounding them had picked up once they had cleared the lands inhabited by the Pauna, and Clarke had found herself comforted by them once more.  There was a certain peacefulness in the chirping of the birds and slight rustling of the foliage as creature moved through it.

      “Lexa, I-,”  Clarke was abruptly cut off when Lexa placed a hand over her mouth and pulled her behind the nearest tree.  

      Clarke barely had time to register the movements as her back was pulled securely against Lexa’s front, the brunette’s grip gentle but firm.  She froze as Lexa’s mouth brushed against her ear.

      “Azgeda.” The word was barely whispered in Clarke’s ear, Lexa’s breath causing an involuntary shiver to run down Clarke’s spine.

      It takes all of Clarke’s self control not to lean into Lexa’s touch at the sensation.  Clarke nodded once in understanding and Lexa removed her hand from Clarke’s mouth but did not loosen the grip she has around Clarke’s waist.  Clarke didn’t dare to breathe as she notices that Indra, Kai, and Saragon have somehow disappeared off the trail they had been on as well.  Lexa silently pointed ahead to where they would have been walking, and Clarke squints to make out what Lexa saw.  She stared, her eyes straining, but she sees nothing.  She shook her head once to indicate that she doesn’t see whatever Lexa had.  Lexa holds up one finger, indicating to Clarke to wait.  

      A few tense moments passed and then Clarke saw a flicker of movement about two hundred yards down the trail.  It was quick, quick enough that Clarke would have missed it if she had not been looking, but she knew that it was human.  She nodded to indicate she had caught the movement, turning her head and raising her eyebrows in a silent question.  _What next_ , she mouthed, knowing Lexa would understand.  Their faces were mere inches from each other, their breaths mingling in the air in front of them.  Lexa’s response was gentle pressure on Clarke’s waist as she began to move backwards, deeper into the ferns that were only now barely concealing them.  Clarke was careful to tread where Lexa did, minimizing their tracks.  When they were about twenty yards from the trail, Lexa released Clarke and pulled her down into a crouch beside her.

      “I counted at least five, it is a large group.  We are better off waiting for them to pass and only fighting if it becomes necessary,” Lexa whispered to her.

      Clarke nodded and reached down to her boot, pulling up her only remaining dagger.  She handed it to Lexa, knowing that the brunette still had her other knife from their last encounter with the Azgeda.  Lexa gave her a half nod of thanks and produced the other knife from her cloak.  She spun them in her hands, familiarizing herself with their weight.  Clarke watched, transfixed by the complicated and dangerous looking movements, a heat growing in her belly as Lexa settled the knives into her palms, blades pointed at her wrists.  Clarke swallowed and turned back to watch the approaching warriors. 

      They were quiet, their steps muffled by the ferns that cover the forest floor.  None of them took the path, but followed to the side as it wound through the forest.  They were methodical in how they were moving, moving as one large entity as they swept the forest.  Lexa was right, the group was large, Clarke counting at least six cloaked warriors herself.  As they drew near, Clarke felt Lexa tense beside her.  Clarke whipped her head around to look at the other girl and took in the utter look of hatred and anger that had taken over Lexa’s face.  Clarke barely had time to register it before Lexa was up and moving, running through the foliage towards the closest warrior.  Clarke bit her lip to keep from calling out to the girl, opting instead to run after her, praying that she would catch up in time.

      Lexa moved quickly and quietly through the forest, the only sound a slight rustling as she brushed ferns aside.  Clarke could see Lexa’s determination in the way she is holding herself as she rushed forward on her unsuspecting target.  They were about fifty yards from the warrior when Clarke caught up to Lexa.  Clarke didn’t have time to think and only acted on instinct, launching herself at Lexa and catching the girl by surprise as they collided.  Clarke immediately felt her shoulder screaming in protest at the impact, the hot ooze of blood beginning before Clarke even hit the ground.  Lexa let out a soft _oomph_ as she fell to the ground under Clarke’s weight and began to struggle, but Clarke was already anticipating her next move.  

      With practiced skill, she wound her legs around Lexa’s, trapping them as she levered the upper half of her body over Lexa’s and used her weight to hold the other girl to the ground.  Clarke clamped her hand over Lexa’s mouth and glared at her, shaking her head vehemently.  Clarke ignored the continued squirming beneath her and looked up to see if their less than quiet crash into the underbrush had been detected.  Finding the Azgeda warrior only a few yards in front of them now, Clarke tightened her grip on Lexa’s shoulder trying to communicate to the other girl to stop moving.  Lexa ignored her and began her attempts to free herself anew and with more vigor.  Clarke’s already opened shoulder wound screamed in protest at the strain of trying to hold Lexa down, but she refused to allow Lexa to finish whatever crazy suicide mission she had suddenly felt was necessary.

      Watching the Azgeda moving slowly towards them, Clarke knew it is only a matter of time before Lexa’s thrashing was detected.  Clarke looked back down at Lexa, only to find the girl glaring at her with more hate and anger then Clarke had ever seen on her face before.  Clarke was momentarily startled, which Lexa detected and used to try and roll Clarke off of her.  Clarke was too quick though, and slammed Lexa’s back into the ground with enough force to daze the girl momentarily.  Clarke stared at the girl, silently pleading with her to stop struggling.  Clarke had no idea what the hell Lexa was thinking, or what had suddenly made her abandon her own “sit and wait them out” plan, but Clarke refused to allow either one of them to die today. 

      Lexa resumed her struggles, only half-hearted this time, seeming to realize that try as she might, Clarke was not going to allow her up.  Suddenly, Lexa froze beneath Clarke, the rapid and uneven rise and fall of her chest against Clarke’s the only remaining movement.  Having looked back up to watch the approaching enemy, Clarke looked back down at her curiously to see what had caused the sudden cessation of movement.  Believing Lexa to be done with her struggles, Clarke shifted her weight slightly to get a better look at the girl, just as Lexa brought one of her arms up to push at Clarke’s chest.  Clarke dropped her head and squeezed her eyes shut against the blinding pain as Lexa’s palm connected with her open shoulder wound.  She let out an involuntary groan as the waves of pain wracked her body.  

      She breathed through her mouth as tears burned at her eyes, praying that none of the advancing Azgeda had heard her.  After a few seconds, when she realized that Lexa hadn’t taken her moment of weakness as an opportunity to escape, she opened her eyes to see the girl stilled beneath her once more.  Her green eyes, eyes that had been previously filled with only hatred and anger, were now apologetic and filled with concern and what Clarke thinks might be fear.As their eyes meet, Clarke’s still glassed over from the pain, remorse flooded Lexa’s features.  Clarke was still too angry at her for their current predicament to acknowledge her.  Instead, she turned her attention back to the Azgeda, who are now nearly on top of them.  Clarke held her breath as the closest one passed by on her left, seemingly oblivious to the two women lying just mere feet from him.  

      Clarke focused on her breathing, her shoulder throbbing, the feeling of blood seeping from the wound with each beat of her heart.  They wait what feels like hours until Clarke’s eyes had begun to drift close at the blood loss and her head become heavy.  She heard a muffled “Heda” called across to them and rolled off of Lexa with another groan, finally freeing the girl.  She heard Lexa say something in clipped Trigedasleng and then felt hands press into her shoulder, staunching the flow of blood but sending new waves of pain coursing through her system.  She cried out in surprise, her eyes snapping open to find Lexa kneeling above her, fear written across her features.  Clarke took a ragged breath in pulled at the hands on her shoulder, trying to remove them and stop the pain.

      “Stop, Clarke.  You’re losing too much blood.  You are already too pale,”  Lexa bites out.  “What were you thinking?”

      Clarke feels anger bubble up in her chest at the words, the burning sensation snapping her out of her daze.  She sat up and pushed Lexa away, glaring at the other girl.  “What was _I_ thinking?!  What the hell, Lexa?!  What were _you_ thinking!  You could have gotten us both killed!  I thought we were going to wait them out and then next thing I know, you’re going all Rambo on me!”  Clarke yelled.

      Lexa looked at Clarke, confusion clear in her features at the unknown reference, but she schooled her features as she reached for Clarke once more.

      “No!  Don’t touch me!” Clarke spat brushing Lexa’s hands away.  “I don’t need your help.” 

      Clarke began to stalk off toward the trail, looking for Kai and Indra.  Spotting them about twenty yards ahead, Clarke started moving in their direction.  She heard Lexa following behind her.

      “Clarke, please-,” Lexa began before Clarke whirled on her and put her finger in her chest.

      “No.  I don’t want to hear it, Lexa.  You want your people back?  I can support that, I’ll fight beside you for that.  You want to go off half-cocked and get yourself killed for no reason in what was clearly a suicide mission?  I _don’t_ support that.  If that’s all you’re looking for, to get yourself killed, I’ll just leave you right here.”  Clarke accentuated each sentence with a poke to the center of Lexa’s chest, driving the other girl back against a tree.  

      Clarke watched Lexa’s eyes widen in surprise as she yelled, not caring how her words were effecting the brunette.  She was angry at Lexa nearly getting the both of them killed for absolutely no reason.  Breathing heavily due to both the emotional and physical toll of the last few minutes, Clarke turned back around and made to walk back towards Kai and Indra.  She only made it a few steps before a dizzy spell washed over her and she collapsed against a tree for support.  Through the haze, she felt strong arms supporting her around her waist, holding her up.  She blinked rapidly to clear her vision, looking up to see Lexa’s concerned face next to hers.  She wanted to tell the brunette not to touch her, but her brain didn’t seem to want to cooperate.  Shrugging off Lexa’s concern, and hands, Clarke was able to push herself off the tree and take a few more steps forward before she realized she was about to lose consciousness.

      “Dammit,” she grumbled as the ground came rushing up to meet her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, just wanted to say thank-you for all your kind feedback. It really keeps me invested in this story when my inspiration is lacking.
> 
> Well, this one kind of got away from me. I want to say I'm sorry for the length...but I'm not. Gets a little gory at parts, so don't read if you're squeamish. Hope it lives up to expectations! All errors are my own. 
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr or drop me any questions, same handle (Phoenix_Rises_Again).

      A familiar back and forth motion roused Clarke from unconsciousness, her senses tuning in before the haze in her mind cleared.  The air had grown thick with humidity and the moisture clung to her skin and made each lungful of air weigh heavily in her chest.  Clarke was aware of the ground moving beneath her, but without the actual movement of her legs.  Clarke knew without opening her eyes that she was on horseback, the gentle clopping of Saragon’s hooves sounding reassuringly beneath her.  As she became more aware, she realized there was a warm press of another body behind her, unusual but not unwelcome.  Strong and sure arms circled her waist, holding her firmly in place as they rode.  She cracked an eye open to see Lexa’s scarred and familiar hands holding the reigns and resting on her lap.  For a fleeting moment, Clarke allowed herself to be held, to feel safe for the first time in months.

      The moment didn’t last, however, and Clarke tensed as she woke further, her mind catching up with her body and immediately rejecting the comfort that Lexa’s embrace offered her.  Jolting forward, she startled both Saragon and Lexa, enough that Lexa had to pull Saragon up short to prevent them from both falling from his broad back.  Clarke wasted no time in dismounting swiftly, placing distance between herself and the other girl, who was now most certainly staring at Clarke as though she were crazy.  Clarke struggled to remain upright, the sudden and swift movements causing pain to radiate from her shoulder and a wave of dizziness sweeping through her.  She shut her eyes to make the forest around her stop its spinning.  She knew Lexa had moved to stand at her side without opening her eyes, the air that the other girl displaced rippling around her.  Sighing, she opened her eyes to see concerned green ones staring back.  As Lexa opened her mouth to speak, Clarke held up her hand to stop the lecture that was surely coming.

      “I’m fine,” Clarke assured.  Then, remembering how she had ended up unconscious, she bitterly added, “No thanks to you.”

      She saw Lexa’s face register her harsh words, hurt flashing where concern had previously resided.  For a moment Clarke regretted what she’d said, wished that she could take the snide comment back.  In that brief moment where she’d allowed herself to be held by Lexa, to find safety and comfort within her arms, the walls she had spent carefully crafting in the months since the events at Mt. Weather had begun to crack.  Clarke could not allow that.  She needed to remain angry; at herself, at Lexa, at the damn sun for shining too brightly.  If she didn’t, she knew her carefully crafted facade would falter and she would crumble to pieces.  Pieces that she was sure she’d never be able to put back together once they had been shattered.  

      The brief moments that she had allowed herself to comfort Lexa had been exactly that, about comforting Lexa.  Clarke had found no solace in the actions, or at least she had told herself that, merely understanding that Lexa needed someone in that moment.  So what if Clarke happened to be that person, it was just one person being there for another.  

      So Clarke lashed out, it being the only way she could effectively shore the cracks back up, to put the distance that she had noticed shrinking in the previous days back in place between herself and Lexa.  So instead of apologizing, she held Lexa’s gaze, allowing all her pent up anger to practically reach out and strike the other girl.  She watched as Lexa quickly covered her shock at the words with her familiar mask, her face settling into one of emotionless detachment.

      “I understand you are upset, Clarke-,” she began.

      “Just don’t,” Clarke interrupted, “I really don’t want to hear it.  Let’s just keep moving.”

      Without looking back at Lexa, Clarke proceeded ahead on foot in the direction that they had previously been headed before she’d woken up.  She walked a few paces ahead of the other girl, struggling to bring her emotions under control.  Thankfully, Lexa allowed silence to fill the space between them, leaving Clarke alone.  The only reason Clarke knew the other girl had followed her was the louder than normal steps Lexa was taking, likely to let Clarke know she was following.  Clarke absentmindedly rubbed at her shoulder, the wound still throbbing.  Pushing the shirt aside enough to see the wound, Clarke could see that it had been cleaned and fresh stitches had been applied.  Some type of salve had also been smeared across the wound and caused her shirt to stick to it.  Huffing out a breath of frustration, Clarke replaced the shirt and looked around the forest, realizing that it was utterly unfamiliar to her.

      “Where are we?” she mumbled more to herself then anyone.

      “About a two day’s ride from Luna’s people,” came a quiet reply right behind her.  

      Clarke jumped at Lexa’s proximity, not having realized the girl was so close. Swallowing her anger, Clarke simply continued to look around, deliberately avoiding Lexa’s gaze. 

      “Where are Kai and Indra?” she asked, for the first time realizing the other two warriors were no where to be found.

      “They went to the nearest village, which is about an hour’s ride west of here, to retrieve a couple horses.  They figured it would make the journey easier once we need to head back.  Luna’s people do not have horses,” Lexa explained, her voice still subdued.

      Clarke silently contemplated Lexa’s words, the fact that she was once again alone with the brunette not lost on her.  She had mixed feelings on the topic, but due to a steadily building headache, she didn’t have the patience to sort them out.  Sighing, she turned to finally face Lexa, coming to a stop in front of the other girl.  

      “How long until they rejoin us?” Clarke inquired, already suspecting the answer.

      “We will make camp tonight and meet them at Luna’s village tomorrow evening,” Lexa replied.    

      “Super,” Clarke muttered under her breath, turning back to continue on.

      She heard Lexa sigh heavily behind her, imagining the brunettes jaw clenching in frustration at Clarke’s juvenile behavior.  Clarke didn’t care, she was desperate to return to the safe space behind her walls.  The space where she could be alone in her misery, like she deserved.  They continued on in silence, Clarke eventually dropping back and allowing Lexa to lead the way.  Clarke fought and lost the battle to keep her eyes off the brunette’s back as they walked.

 

**XXX**

 

      Once night had fallen, they made a small fireless camp, the humidity in the air scaring away the majority of the chill that had previously filled their nights.  With only the stars and moon to see by, Clarke settled in to sleep first, thankful that Lexa had offered to take the first watch.  A tense silence had hung in the air between them the entire rest of the day, the brunette attempting to give Clarke the silence and space she had asked for.  Before saving Lexa, Clarke had been content in silence, she had found a place in it.  Now, the brunette had stirred up every memory and feeling that Clarke had pushed down and they made the silence unbearable.  Clarke had never been one to run from anything, but the mountain, and Lexa’s betrayal, had simply been too much to handle.  Now those wounds had been reopened, as raw as ever, and Clarke was growing tired of running.  She knew it was only a matter of time before she had to stop and face her demons, settle her past.  

      The exhaustion of the days travels and the fatigue from the blood loss weighed heavily upon Clarke’s shoulders, yet sleep refused to come.  Her mind refused to silence itself and allow her to rest, too many questions and emotions bouncing around.  After about ten minutes of tossing and turning, Clarke sat back up, her eyes searching the dark for Lexa.  She found the brunette sitting a few feet away, her back against a tree for support as she watched the surrounding forest.  Clarke stood and walked over to the brunette, sitting down next to her and leaning against the tree as well, with just enough space between them so they were not touching.

      She felt rather than heard the expel of air from the brunette, as though she were resigning herself to the inevitable question that Clarke was about to pose.  After staring at the dark forest for a moment herself, Clarke shifted to face the brunette, watching as Lexa’s jaw clenched under her close scrutiny.  The brunette’s eyes never left the forest beyond, however, and Clarke had to stop herself from poking at the brunette to gain her attention.  Part of Clarke knew that while Lexa appeared focused on the forest, all of her attention was on the blonde sitting mere inches from her.

      “What the hell were you thinking?” Clarke asked, her curiosity replacing the anger that had plagued her since Lexa’s actions earlier.

      Lexa sighed heavily, this time the sound audible, the emotions of the day seemingly released in the single breath.  She was silent a long time, so long that Clarke began to wonder if she had heard the question at all.  Finally, she felt Lexa shift and watched as the other girl turned her face to the night sky, as though seeking some kind of guidance or strength.  

      “I was thinking, ‘that is one of the men who murdered my family’.” Lexa spoke quietly, but Clarke heard the nearly imperceptible tremble in her voice.

      Clarke tensed beside her, completely shocked at the response.  She was utterly speechless and struggled to make her brain process what Lexa had said.  Out of any of the reasons that she had expected from Lexa, that was the furthest from her mind.  Clarke couldn’t form any words, merely staring open mouthed at the girl before her.  She watched as Lexa fought for control, fought to keep her mask in place.

      “The moment I saw him, I recognized him.  It was like I was under that floor once more.”  Even in the dark, Clarke could see Lexa’s features darken.  “Only this time, I was not helpless.”

      “Lexa, I-,” Clarke began.  This time, it was Lexa who held her hand up.

      “Please do not apologize, Clarke.”  Lexa turned to look at the blonde.  “My actions were driven by emotion.  In that moment, I was weak and my weakness would have gotten us both killed.  Do not apologize for simply doing what was necessary to maintain the course of the greater good.”

      “Still, I wish…”  Clarke searched for the right words to express how sorry she was that she had prevented Lexa from exacting her well-deserved revenge.  “I just wish that there had been a way to manage both.  To both continue on the path back to your people and settle a past wrong.”

      “All things in time, Clarke,” Lexa replied wisely, turning back to watch the forest around them and making it clear she did not wish to discuss the topic further.  “I am, however, very sorry about your shoulder.  I did not wish to injure you further.”

      “My shoulder will be fine.  It’s already on it’s way to being better.  I’d rather have a bum shoulder then have either one of us be dead,” Clarke replied easily.  The truth had a way of being effortless like that.

      A comfortable silence fell over them, both wishing things had worked out differently.  Clarke was debating the merits of laying back down, not really feeling like sleep would come but knowing she needed the rest to take her turn as watch, when Lexa shifted beside her once more. 

      “Thank-you,” she murmured quietly.

      “For what?” Clarke asked, clearly confused.

      “For keeping me grounded in the here and now.  For keeping me focused on the larger agenda.  For keeping me safe.”  Lexa had gone back to watching the stars, the moonlight falling across her cheeks softly, elegantly defining every feature. 

      For the second time that evening, Clarke found herself struggling with speech, unsure of how to respond.  Taking a page out of Grounder tradition, she simply nodded once, knowing Lexa would sense it, before moving back to lay down.  Part of her mind warned her that the wall was cracking again, that the cracks were wider this time.  The louder, more dominant portion of her mind didn’t care.  This time, sleep came easily and she slept with the knowledge that Lexa would be watching over her, keeping her safe as well.

 

**XXX**

 

      They packed up their camp and were on their way before the sun had broken the horizon.  Lexa had caught herself staring at the blonde a few times as they had been packing up, silently scolding herself each time Clarke caught her.  She struggled to put her emotions back in the box she’d neatly stored them in since Costia, knowing that Clarke would never reciprocate her feelings and knowing she did not deserve Clarke.  As they’d set out on their journey, Lexa worked to contain her excitement at the prospect of seeing Luna after so long.  Only a few more hours separated her and Clarke from their ultimate destination and Lexa was looking forward to being able to sleep in a bed and take an actual bath.  

      As they walked, the silence was deafening, Clarke lost to her own thoughts.  Lexa focused on the ever thinning forest before them.  After about an hour, Clarke grew restless in the silence and began asking Lexa questions about Luna and the Boat People, her interest genuine and earnest.  Lexa could tell Clarke had a deep running respect for Grounder tradition in the way that she had treated Lexa and her people, Clarke being one of the only Sky People willing to work with the Commander towards peace.  Lexa was excited to be able to show Clarke another extension of Grounder society, knowing that Clarke would be just as caring and kindhearted with Luna and her people as she’d been with Lexa.  

      After a few more hours, they both noticed the dirt beneath their feet had steadily turned lighter as they’d walked, changing to sand.  Clarke had been completely transfixed by it for about ten minutes, stopping to run her hands through it and study it, the look on her face one of pure wonder.  It had warmed Lexa’s heart to watch the haunted look that usually shadowed Clarke’s features fall away, even for just a few minutes, as Clarke sifted the sand through her fingers.  Without being aware of it, Clarke was digging into Lexa’s soul as well, finding a home in it.  Even now, Clarke still held a handful of the rough sand, allowing it to slowly slip through her fingers as they walked. 

      The air had also been steadily changing, the humidity slowly dissipating as they neared the edge of the forest.  A slight, but not uncomfortable, breeze had picked up in its stead, picking up the loose ends of Lexa’s hair and causing them to play across her face.  Lexa could smell the sea in the air, the salt and freshness of it lending her a familiar comfort that she hadn’t been privy to since ascending to the position of Commander.  She was flooded with memories from the times that she had come to the ocean to get away and relax with Costia, a familiar feeling settling in her chest.  Thinking of Costia still ached, but the pain had dulled significantly since her death a few years ago.  As they drew nearer to the end of the forest, Lexa could just make out the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.  

      “What’s that noise?” Clarke asked, also picking up on the sound.

      Lexa’s lips turned up in a brief smile as she looked at Clarke.  “It’s the ocean beating against the shore.”

      She watched as Clarke’s eyes widened in excitement, the ghost of a smile playing across her face as well.  Clarke’s steps became more hurried as the sound grew louder.  Lexa kept pace half a step behind the blonde, trying not to laugh at the way Clarke was practically running.  

      “I assume you’ve never seen the ocean then?” Lexa called.

      “Only from the sky,” Clarke threw back over her shoulder as she plowed on.

      Lexa briefly wondered what that view had looked like, instantly knowing that it couldn’t compare to actually being on the beach itself and staring across the water at the horizon, water splashing over you as the sun warmed you from above.  Within ten minutes, they had reached the end of the trees, Clarke not even hesitating as she burst from them.  She took about two steps onto the open sand before stopping.  Lexa wasn’t expecting the sudden cessation of movement and nearly collided with the back of Clarke, instead sidestepping at the last moment to stand next to the blonde.  

      She watched Clarke’s face as it took in the view before them.  There was amazement and wonder written in all her features, and a childlike excitement that Lexa had never seen on Clarke.  She was sure in that moment that she had never seen Clarke look so free and it nearly took her breath away.  She watched Clarke’s eyes as they tracked the movement of the seagulls who were flying lazily over the water, every now and again diving into the deep blue water below.  Their screeches rang out across the open landscape, carried to the girls over the warm breeze that still blew. 

      “This is…amazing,” Clarke said breathlessly.

      “I’m glad you like it,” Lexa replied quietly.

      They stood in a comfortable silence for a while, Clarke seemingly trying to memorize everything about the landscape before her as Lexa was content to watch the blonde as she did so.  Eventually, Lexa moved back to Saragon, securing him to a tree so that he would not wander.  Turning back to face the ocean, she began removing her boots and rolling up her pants legs, rolling them to just above her knee.  Finishing, she looked up to see Clarke watching her carefully, an unreadable expression on her face.

      “You’re going to go in the water?” Clarke asked nervously.

      “I didn’t come all this way just to stare at it, Clarke,” she teased lightly.  “You may join me if you wish.  It should be quite warm.” 

      She noted the look of fear that flashed across Clarke’s face as she clearly debated something internally.  Walking back over to the blonde, Lexa looked at her, concern clear in her features.

      “You do not need to follow, Clarke, but I assure you, we will be safe,” Lexa reassured.

      “I just…I haven’t had any great experiences with open water since being down here.  Anya had to pull me out when we escaped the mountain.  She saved me from drowning,” Clarke confided quietly as she stared off into the distance.  

      Lexa was surprised that Clarke had spoken so freely about Anya and the mountain, and she moved a step closer to Clarke as the blonde continued.

      “We had no other means of escape and we had to either jump in this violent river, or die right then and there.  I was knocked out on impact.  Next thing I knew, I was on land, Anya was with me.”  Clarke smiled slightly as the memory replayed in her mind.  “I think at times she was more stubborn than you are.  Definitely scarier.”

      Lexa let out a quiet chuckle, surprising both of them.  She swallowed it, watching as Clarke’s face fell and the blonde’s features darkened.

      “I’m sorry I couldn’t get her back to you, Lexa,” she murmured.

      “It wasn’t your fault, and you said she died well.  It is what she would have wanted,” Lexa assured quietly.  

      Clarke’s features remained dark, as she struggled with the memory.  Lexa placed a hand on the other girls arm, a gesture meant to comfort the other girl, but Clarke shrugged the touch off, turning instead to face Lexa.  “She didn’t deserve to die.”  The words were angry, bitter as Clarke bit them out.

      “Clarke, we all die in this world.  Death is not the end.  Anya knew that,”  Lexa reasoned.

      “I know, you’re right.  It was just so pointless after we had struggled and fought so hard to get back to our people,” Clarke sighed.

      “Her death allowed us to form an alliance that saved both of our people, Clarke.  It was not pointless,” Lexa argued.  “Knowing that peace between our two people was what she died for is what allowed me to see past my own anger and hear you out when you walked into my tent.”

      Clarke merely nodded, turning to face the ocean once more.  “I know, and I know there is no changing the past.  So let’s focus on fixing what Nia has broken,” Clarke resolved.

      “We will, Clarke, I promise.  Luna will help us with that endeavor, but we do have a little time to spare before then.”  Lexa began walking towards the ocean, turning once she had taken a few steps, “It is not often that I get free moments to enjoy, but I do know how take advantage of them when they come.”

      With that, she moved further down the beach until she was submersed in the warm water, allowing it to rise to just below her knees.  She reveled in the warmth of the water as it gently moving against her, rocking her.  The sand constantly moved beneath her feet, pushed and pulled by the motion of the ocean.  She closed her eyes and turned her face to the sun, enjoying the warmth that it spread through her body.  She stood that way for a long minute before she heard the splash of someone else in the water beside her.  She didn’t open her eyes, knowing it would be Clarke that came to stand beside her.

      She didn’t see Clarke, who had followed her down to the water’s edge, staring at her now bared legs, tracing each scar with her eyes as they arced across her slightly tanned skin.  Clarke had never seen anything other than Lexa’s hands and neck, and the flesh that was now exposed for her perusal was covered in pale lines that mapped out a story all their own.  Lexa didn’t see the sympathetic and pained look that consumed Clarke’s features as she spotted the rather deep and long scar that ran down the length of her left calf.  Her knees were the most brutalized, the skin there pale from being constantly ripped open in battle or just due to the regular hardships of Grounder life.  Instead, she heard Clarke clear her throat as the blonde shifted her attention to the water swirling around her feet.  The clear water gave her a view straight to the bottom and to the sand that now covered her feet.

      “It is really warm,” she heard Clarke say in surprise. 

      Lexa merely hummed in response, too content to say anything.

      “It’s endless,” Clarke murmured, “and beautiful.”

      This time Lexa cracked an eye open to look at Clarke.  The blonde was focused on the water in front of her, watching as the sea foam from each wave disappeared around their legs, the seaweed and shells left in its wake tickling across their feet.  Clarke was absolutely engrossed in the environment before her, her features once again free of the haunted look that had been present only moments ago, only to be taken over by another unidentifiable emotion that looked akin to pity.  Clarke looked almost radiant as the sun glinted off her blonde locks and the water below.  The reflecting sun threw bands of shimmering light across Clarke’s features, seemingly making the other girl glow.  Lexa had never seen Clarke look so beautiful.

      “Yes.  It is,” Lexa murmured quietly, her words lost in the crashing of a wave on the shore.  

      Lexa swallowed and turned her face back to the sun, trying to soak as much of the light in as possible while imagining it was burning every misdeed from the last three months from her body.  For a moment, she even allowed herself to believe that she deserved to be cleansed of her sins.  For a moment, she almost believed that she deserved Clarke.  She and Clarke remained that way for a while, neither in a rush to move until a loud but familiar voice called out to them across the sound of the waves.

      “Lexa?!”

      Lexa couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her face at the yell, turning to face the owner of that voice.

      “Luna!” she called back as she hastily ran out of the water, sprinting to embrace the older girl waiting just out of the water’s reach.

      Lexa’s face was instantly covered in Luna’s wild red girls, the other girl chuckling at the odd display of affection from the usually stoic Commander.  The ocean must have put the brunette in a good mood.  Either that, or it was due to the striking blonde who’d exited the water behind Lexa and now stood watching the exchange curiously a few paces back.

      “It is good to see you, Lexa,” Luna laughed, her arms wrapped tightly around the girl.

      With that, Lexa pulled back, still grinning at the other leader.  Turning, she gestured to the blonde, “Luna, Clarke of the Sky People.  Clarke, this is Luna, leader of the Boat Clan and one of my oldest friends.”

      Clarke moved a couple paces forward, merely nodding in greeting.  The blonde continued to stare at Lexa, seemingly perplexed by the brunette’s sudden change in behavior.

      “It’s nice to finally meet you, Clarke.  I have heard much about you from my people.  Especially the ones you saved from the mountain.  Thank-you for what you did.” Luna noted the slight darkening of Clarke’s features at the mention of the mountain. 

      Clarke swallowed and stiffly nodded at Luna’s words, her earlier mood gone at the mention of the mountain.  Luna watched Lexa move back to Clarke’s side, her hand brushing lightly over the blondes forearm before coming to rest between them.  Neither of them seemed consciously aware of the action, causing Luna to smirk to herself.  She would store that tidbit away for use later.

      “I’m sure your journey has been long.  Come, let us get you settled with some food,” Luna said, turning to walk along the sand.  “Yanas has already collected your horse.  Everyone will be excited to see their Heda has returned.”

      “Luna, no,”  Lexa groaned, a silent warning in the words.

      “You know it’s tradition Lexa,” Luna said cheerily.  “Don’t deprive my people a reason to celebrate.  They are so few and far between.”

      Luna heard the brunette let out a defeated groan behind her.

      “Fine, but keep the wine for yourself this time,” Lexa muttered as she reluctantly followed Luna up the beach.  “We know what happened last time.”

      Luna just chuckled as she walked ahead.

 

**XXX**

 

      Hours and multiple drinks later, both Clarke and Lexa made their way back to the hut that they were to share, courtesy of Luna.  Clarke had definitely had more to drink than Lexa, and was grateful the brunette was there to lead them because she was sure she never would have found the hut otherwise.  Due to the warm climate, Clarke had discovered that many of the Boat People preferred to sleep outside, under the stars, only moving to shelter during a storm.  The hut that she and Lexa had been given was big enough to fit a couple families in as necessary, but due to the good weather, was currently vacant.  Clarke was glad.  After the boisterous celebrations that had carried on since their arrival, Clarke was ready for some peace and quiet.  She didn’t even mind that she had to share the hut with Lexa, having spent the last week with the girl anyways.  After bathing, she and Lexa had been separated for the majority of the evening as Lexa had been whisked away to mingle with her people.  
****

      A few of the braver Boat People had come up to Clarke, all of them bringing their gratitude to Clarke for either saving them or one of their family members from the mountain.  Clarke had simply nodded politely in return to most of them, at one point deciding she would need something stronger than the water she had been nursing if she was going to entertain their misplaced gratitude.  She had gratefully accepted wine when it was offered, relishing the slight burn of the sweet alcohol as she gulped it down.  It had quickly numbed her mind and loosened her up, blissfully allowing her to forget her demons for a while so she could simply enjoy the music, food, and people before her.  Clarke had never seen such a display of freedom and happiness from the Grounders before, her first few hours simply spent observing.  Her eyes had unknowingly sought out Lexa, and watched as the brunette spent the evening greeting and speaking with every person in turn.  The level of care that Clarke saw the other girl exude so easily made a warmth that had nothing to do with the wine blossom in her chest.  

      Clarke had spent the night watching the brunette, noting that while on the exterior Lexa appeared to be the calm and courteous leader Clarke knew her to be, there was a deeper darkness that warred behind those green eyes.  Clarke had made a mental note to ask the brunette about it later.  Clarke had spoken at length with Luna and had immediately seen why Lexa was so fond of the other woman.  She didn’t seem to have a mean bone in her body and genuinely cared for each of her people.  Clarke was astounded at the outpouring of affection of the Boat people for their leader as well, believing that Lexa’s feelings on love were a Grounder-wide belief.  She was happy to see that philosophy didn’t seem to hold true for the Boat Clan.  Luna was almost ten years older than Lexa, though she didn’t appear her age, the ground having treated her much better than she had seen it treat others.  Luna was actually closer to Kai in age then either herself or Lexa.  She’d learned that Luna had met Lexa when she was very young, back when Lexa had first visited their village with her parents.  They had become instant friends, maintaining that bond to the present day.

      Though she was enjoying herself, Clarke was grateful when Lexa had found her and pulled her aside, letting her know that she was turning in for the night.  Clarke had quickly swallowed the remaining wine in her cup and politely excused herself from Luna’s company.  Even in her drunken haze, she could swear that she saw a smirk on the leaders face as she’d turned to follow Lexa.  Though there were multiple beds in the hut, only two had been made up and pushed closer to each other than any of the other beds.  A change of clothes for each had been laid out on the end of each bed.  Looking at the arrangement, Clarke heard Lexa sigh quietly beside her before she turned to face Clarke.

      “I can move my bed if that would make you more comfortable,” Lexa told her.

      Clarke surprised them both by shaking her head and saying, “No, I’m fine with it.  Having you near makes me feel safe.”

      Lexa froze as she stared at the blonde, not sure she’d heard her correctly.  She knew Clarke would never admit to that without the alcohol in her system, but it did not make her feel any less hope at the words.

      “I think it is a good thing you are going to bed, Clarke,” Lexa mused as she moved to one of the beds.  “The wine has muddled your mind.”

      “No.  For the first time in ages, my mind is still,” Clarke said quietly, relief evident in the words.

      The words caused Lexa to pause as she was pulling her sleeping clothes on.  She looked back at Clarke who was still in the same place but rocking slightly back and forth.  For the first time, Clarke’s carefully crafted mask was gone and all the pain that she had kept stored behind it was on display for Lexa.  Lexa was taken aback at the familiarity of the face Clarke now wore; it was as though Lexa was staring at a reflection of herself.  

      “I hear every one of them.  All the time, Lexa.  They’re always in my head.  Their screams haunt me and I don’t know how to make them stop…” Clarke wrapped her arms around her midsection, as though trying to keep herself together.

      Lexa turned to fully face the girl, stunned at the words but making it clear that Clarke had her full attention.  Clarke had never spoken more than a few words on the events that had come to pass in the mountain that night, and Lexa had never pushed her.  Based on what she had said though, Lexa knew that the choice had not been easy and the fallout, even harder to bear.  Such choices were something that Lexa was intimately aware of.  She stood silently waiting as Clarke seemed to gather herself and make a decision.  Lexa watched as Clarke moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing opposite of Lexa.  Drawing in a calming breath, Clarke stared at her hands as they rested in her lap.

      “Everyone kept coming up to me tonight and thanking me.  Like I am some kind of hero,” Clarke scoffed.  “I am anything but a hero.”

      “You are a hero, Clarke,” Lexa said, sitting on the bed across from the blonde. “Both to your people and to mine.”

      Lexa watched as anger flashed across the blonde’s face, tears threatening to fall from the blondes eyes.

      “I am no ones hero!  _I_ shot Dante in cold blood to prove a point and then _I_ pulled a lever that irradiated that entire mountain and killed hundreds of innocent people.  Children even.  _I_ did all of that to supposedly save my own people; people that I can’t even look at or be around anymore because of what I did.”

      Out of instinct, Lexa moved to sit beside Clarke, her hand falling to cover both of Clarke’s in her lap.  For the first time, Clarke didn’t shy away from the touch, allowing herself the small comfort of human contact.  She was drowning in her own self hate and Lexa was the stake keeping her tied to reality. 

      “I am sorry that you live with this burden and I wish that you had never had to make that choice,” Lexa said gently,  “but you must not regret your actions. You saved not only your own people, but mine as well.  They are right to thank you.  They are grateful, as am I.”

      “But at what cost?  So many innocent lives were taken because of my actions, because I decided that my people were more important then theirs.  Who am I to decide matters of life and death?”  Clarke mumbled.  Tears were falling down her cheeks, though Lexa was relatively sure that the girl wasn’t even aware of them.  “I am just a girl.”

      At that, Lexa pulled Clarke into an embrace, wrapping her arms securely around the blonde as her body shook with the force of her tears.  They remained that way for what felt like hours, Lexa murmuring quiet words in Trigedalseng as Clarke finally allowed herself to release the emotional burden she’d been running from since her actions at the mountain.  Clarke's cries were silent, the sobs muffled against Lexa’s chest.  For Clarke, each sob seemed to ease the pain a little more, as though with each one she was releasing a piece of the burden she’d been insistent on carrying alone the past few months.  She could feel Lexa’s strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her safe as she fell apart.  She allowed herself to be consumed in her pain, knowing that Lexa would be there to pull her back up, that no one else but Lexa understood what she was feeling. 

      Finally, after a while, Lexa could sense Clarke calming down.  She was no longer sobbing and her breathing was slowing as she sniffled.  Lexa released her hold on the blonde to allow her to sit up and Clarke took the opportunity to wipe her tear streaked face before reaching out for Lexa’s hand and intertwining their fingers.  Clarke sniffed a few times before wiping at her face one more time and looking up to meet Lexa’s understanding gaze.  Sensing that Clarke did not yet trust her voice, Lexa gave her hand a light squeeze.

      “It will get easier, I promise you,” Lexa said knowingly.

      Clarke nodded, wiping again at the last errant tear that slipped down her cheek.

      “Thank-you.  I’m sorry for, you know,” Clarke gestured at Lexa’s shirt that was now soaked.  

      “Don’t be sorry,” Lexa said quietly.  “I don’t mind at all.”

      Clarke moved to stand up, still a tad bit unsteady on her feet due to the wine, and used Lexa’s strength to steady herself.  Looking at the few feet of space that separated their beds still, Clarke’s impaired mind blurted out an idea before she could stop the words.

      “Do you think we could push the beds together?  It’s just…I feel safer when you’re nearby,” Clarke mumbled, embarrassment burning her cheeks as she registered what she had said.

      Lexa had frozen on the bed, shock apparent in the subtle rise of her eyebrows and the slight parting of her lips.  She had been surprised at Clarke’s sudden openness about the mountain, but she had not been anticipating this.  She remained in stunned silence for a moment, registering the nearly imperceptible drop in Clarke’s features when she didn’t respond.  Finally, after shaking the surprise from her mind, she stood, hand still clasped firmly in Clarke’s, and placed her other hand under the blonde’s chin, forcing her to look up.  Lexa understood the need for human contact, the need to be comforted and reminded that you were not alone.  It wasn’t about romance, though given their history, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if comfort was Clarke’s only motivation.

      “If that is what you truly wish, then that is fine with me,” Lexa assured the blonde.

      A small smile formed on Clarke’s features, one of gratitude as she gave Lexa’s hand a squeeze of its own.  “Thank-you,” she said shyly.

      Once they had both changed, they pushed the rather heavy beds together, making sure to leave no space between for either to fall through in the middle.  Clarke settled on her bed immediately, exhaustion finally winning out, as Lexa hesitated a moment before also climbing into her bed.  At the softness of the furs and mattress, she let out an involuntary sigh.

      “It’s so nice to be in a bed again,” Clarke slurred, sleep stringing her words together.

      Lexa merely hummed in response, her eyes fluttering closed almost immediately.  She was nearly asleep when Clarke rolled over, narrowing the distance between them.  Suddenly her heart was hammering in her chest as she felt Clarke’s hand searching under her furs.  It stilled when it found her hand, Clarke lacing their fingers together deftly, as though their hands were made to always be with intertwined.  She was sure that Clarke could hear her heart beating out of control at the touch, and she focused on keeping her breathing even.

      “Reshop, Heda,” she heard Clarke quietly mumble as she drew their joined hands to her chest.

      Once she’d slowed her breathing and felt she could trust herself to speak, Lexa whispered back, “Reshop, Klark.”

 

  **XXX**

 

       _Lexa could feel the exhaustion of the day-long ride she had just returned from pulling at every limb, her legs and back sore from the journey.  It had been weeks since Costia had gone missing and days since they had found a usable lead.  Her hope was dwindling, along with her patience.  Her heart ached for the girl she had loved and lost, for what tortures she knew the poor girl was likely enduring at the hands of Lexa’s enemy in that very moment.  Titus had always told her love was weakness, but she had believed that Costia would be different, that they could be strong together.  Yet here she was, all other matters put on hold until Costia was found, all in the name of love.  She had heard the whisperings of her people, that she was distracted and allowed emotions to rule her mind.  Lexa didn’t care.  She knew that she couldn’t focus and devote the necessary attention to anything else until Costia was returned, safe and sound._

_Trudging up the numerous stairs to her living quarters, feet dragging with exhaustion, she didn’t even notice that the usual guards who were always posted at her doors were gone.  She pushed the doors open in defeat of another day wasted with no further progress in the search for her missing love.  Shutting the doors tightly behind her so that no one would disturb her, Lexa quickly shed her armor, leaving it strewn across her bedroom floor as she moved towards her wash room.  It was then that she noticed the familiar head of hair laying in her bed.  She froze in place, not daring to believe what her eyes saw, fearing the exhaustion of the day was simply playing tricks on her mind.  Holding her breath, time seemed to stand still as Lexa’s mind struggled to comprehend what she was seeing._

_Despite weeks apart, she could never forget the look of Costia’s light brown tresses as they laid across their pillows.  Still, not fully willing to trust what she was seeing, Lexa slowly walked over to the bed where the girl appeared to be sleeping, her back turned to Lexa.  Reaching a shaking hand out to stroke at the hair, still mussed from where ever she had come from, Lexa’s fingers brushed across a few tangled strands.  Her fingers caught in a few tangled strands, and Lexa worked to prevent herself from burying her hands in the mane as she felt weeks of worry and fear dissipate at the touch.  Lexa was unable to reign in her elation and relief any longer, an unholy squeal escaping her lips as she moved her hands to grasp the girls shoulders hidden by the layers of furs.  Her smile was wider than she ever imagined it could be at the thought of finally having her love back._

_“Costia! I thought I had lost you forever!” she exclaimed in relief as she tried to shake the girl awake.  Costia had always been a heavy sleeper._

_This time was different though, and Lexa’s happiness turned to horror when her hands came away bloody._

_“Costia?  Ai hodnes?” she whispered tentatively, stomach turning at the truth her mind had not yet realized._

_“Costia, wake up,” she said more insistently, shaking the girl’s shoulders violently._

_It was then that her entire world fell apart; then that Lexa was irrevocably broken.  Costia’s body rolled over in bed to lie on it’s back at Lexa’s insistent hands.  Her head, however, did not follow suit.  This was not happening, it couldn’t be happening.  Not in their city, in their home,_ in their bed _.  Such horrors were reserved for the torn and bloodied battlefields, for the public arena where blood had blood and justice was delivered.  Not the bed she had only ever shared with the one person in the entire world that she loved, and who loved her.  Feeling herself beginning to shatter, Lexa moved to gather the other girl in her arms, her now fuzzy brain registering just how cold her body was._

_As she pulled on Costia’s shoulders, the girl’s hair fell away to reveal the jagged cut marks where the blows of a dull sword could be clearly seen.  Lexa had never seen something so grotesque, had never seen a body so utterly disrespected in death.  Someone had hacked at Costia’s once beautiful neck, prolonging the poor girl’s death intentionally by using a dull blade, making sure she had suffered until her last breath was drawn.  The execution, much like the time Costia had spent weeks prior, had not been easy or merciful.  Her once beautiful face was misshapen and marred with black and purple bruises, as though every bone had been broken at some point.  Lexa could feel her stomach roiling at the sight, but was unable to look away, her eyes witnessing every horror her love had been made to suffer.  Blood had soaked into the furs of the bed, and Lexa by proxy, as she sat in shock with Costia’s beheaded form in her lap, staring into the now lifeless eyes of her only love._

_It was then that someone started screaming (only to find out later it was her); then that she helplessly tried to place Costia’s head back on her broken body, as if that would somehow bring her back; then that she tried any way possible to fix the now lifeless girl.  An innocent girl who had died for the simple fact that she was loved by Lexa; for the simple fact that she_ **_was_ ** _Lexa’s.  She was sobbing hysterically as she tried and failed to revive the girl laying before her, Costia’s caramel colored eyes staring up at Lexa the entire time.  Lexa clutched Costia’s cold form to her chest, praying that it was simply a nightmare that she would soon wake from._

_“It’s your fault, Leksa,” came a familiar voice._

_Lexa blearily pulled her gaze up from where it had been focused on the blood coating her hands, still in shock at the brutal picture before her.  Searching across her room, her tear filled eyes fell on the mangled and bloody body of her mother and father.  They stood, staring accusingly at her._

_“Nomon? Nontu?” she gasped in disbelief._

_“It’s your fault,” her father repeated.  “We are all dead because of you.”_

_“No, please, papa-,” Lexa cried, tears streaming down her cheeks._

_“Your father speaks true, you’ve killed us all.  All of this,” her mother gestured in turn to herself, Lexa’s father, and finally Costia, “is because of you.”_

_Lexa shook her head back and forth in disbelief at what she was hearing and seeing.  “No, I loved you all, so much,” she argued back._

_“All for nothing, we are still dead.  All because you were weak,” her mother spat._

_“You didn’t even have the decency to avenge our murders, instead choosing to forge a coalition with the very woman who hacked her body to pieces and then allowing another little girl to stop you from avenging us,” her father said disgustedly._

_“No, please,” Lexa begged, “Please, forgive me.  Peace is the legacy I am trying to build in your name, in all of your names!  Please try to understand.”_

_Lexa’s mother’s face contorted in a show of disgust.  “Peace?!  You call your actions over the last few months, peace?!”_

_Lexa paled further at the mention of her time as a Reaper, fearing what the woman would say next, yet already knowing._

_“You are a monster,” she declared vehemently.  “No better than the ones who murdered us.”_

_“Mama…” The words cut deeper than any wound Lexa had ever sustained, ripping at the very fabric of her being, for she knew them to be the truth._

_“No, Leksa.  You couldn’t protect us and you refuse to avenge us!” her father yelled.  “You have disappointed us beyond belief.  We never raised you to be like this, to be weak.”_

_“Please, try to understand,” Lexa began before she was cut off by her father once more._

_“You didn’t deserve any of those people thanking you for your part in taking down the mountain, not after what you’ve done.  You deserve to watch those you care about most in the world die before dying yourself.”_

_The body that Lexa still had clutched to her chest began to twitch, startling Lexa back and off the bed.  She watched in horror as her mother raised her hand and pointed to the space between them, Clarke’s form materializing, radiant and beautiful as ever.  Clarke smiled at her, a smile Lexa hadn’t seen since before the fall of the mountain.  It made her heart ache._

_“Please, I was just a child,” Lexa said, her eyes never leaving the blonde.  “I didn’t know how to help you.”_

_“Just as you will not be able to help her,” her father stated._

_Nia materialized behind Clarke, knife in hand.  Before Lexa could understand what was happening, the Ice Queen stepped up behind Clarke and yanked on her blonde tresses, bringing her head back and exposing her neck.  The knife was just a flash of silver as Nia swept it across Clarke’s neck.  At first, Lexa thought it hadn’t made contact, had only been a threat, but then blood began spilling from a gaping slash across Clarke’s neck.  First it was slow, but turned into a rush of deep red that spilled across the floor before Clarke.  Lexa could clearly hear Clarke gasping and gurgling for air that refused to come, her hands moving to claw at the gaping wound.  The sound ripped at Lexa’s soul as she shattered once again, watching Clarke pale as her legs gave out._

_“NO!” Lexa roared as she surged forward to catch Clarke’s collapsing form._

 

**XXX**

 

      Clarke woke with a start, her surroundings foreign until the memories of the last day flooded her mind.  She remembered the beach, a celebration, and the quiet understanding and comfort that Lexa had offered as she’d finally fallen apart.  Shifting, she could feel a warm presence behind her and smiled softly when she rolled over to find Lexa fast asleep with her back turned to Clarke.  She was glad that the memory about them pushing their beds together hadn’t been a dream, still finding comfort and safety in just the simple nearness of Lexa.  Clarke had completely failed at keeping her walls shored up, the brunette breaking them down swiftly and skillfully.  While it had been painful, almost as terrible as when she had lost her father, Clarke had found Lexa’s quiet strength to be exactly what she needed.  Because of Lexa, she’d been able to break yet remain together, kept from falling over the proverbial edge by the brunette.  

      Clarke had never expected that Lexa would have such an effect on her, imagining that no one would be able to understand the choice that Clarke had made in the mountain.  Clarke had been surprised when her last remaining defenses had been shattered with one knowing look from Lexa.  She didn’t even know why she’d felt the need to open up to Lexa, to share the gory details of what she’d done.  She’d feared for a moment that Lexa would spurn her, would condemn her for what she had done.  However, instead of judging her, Lexa had embraced her, accepting her and the choices she’d made and understanding Clarke’s pain on a level no one else could.  That had meant more to Clarke then anything anyone else had ever done.  It was then that she had realized that she had long since forgiven Lexa for her own actions at the mountain, understanding them and no longer condemning them.  

      Clarke sighed in contentment, happy to enjoy this rare moment of solitude, knowing the next could be forever in coming.  They had both fought so hard for this peace, for moments just like this.  Clarke almost woke Lexa so that she could enjoy it as well.  Judging from the low light that filtered through the slats in the weathered walls, Clarke assumed the sun was just rising, still too early for her to be bothered to actually wake up.  Moving a few inches closer to Lexa, she focused on the braids that wound through the brunette’s hair, their intricacies never failing to mesmerize Clarke.  She was close enough now that the fresh and earthy scent Clarke had come to associate with Lexa permeated the space between them, comforting the blonde and calming her mind.

      As she felt her eyes beginning to droop closed, her attention was caught by an almost inaudible whimper.  Snapping back to full wakefulness, Clarke searched her surroundings for the source of the noise, freezing when it came again and she realized that Lexa’s sleeping form was the cause.  As Clarke watched, Lexa shifted in her sleep, rolling over to face Clarke, her face illuminated by a sliver of sunlight.  Clarke took in Lexa’s furrowed brow and the downturn of the other girl’s lips as she curled into the fetal position, seemingly trying to protect herself from some unknown threat only alive in her dreams.  Clarke sat up, scooting closer to Lexa as the girl began speaking in her sleep, Clarke only able to catch every other few words.

      “No, nomon…,” Lexa mumbled.

      Clarke recognized the word, automatically overwhelmed with sympathy for the poor girl who flinched in front of her.

      “Lexa, wake up,” Clarke said gently, placing a hand on the brunette’s shoulder.

      When Clarke received no response, she gently shook Lexa, trying not to alarm the other girl any further. 

      “My fault…moba…”  Lexa curled in on herself even further, her fists clenching.

      Clarke moved her hand from Lexa’s shoulder to one of the clenched fists, gently trying to pry it apart.  “Come on Lexa, wake up.  It’s just a nightmare,” Clarke pled quietly.

      Clarke brushed her thumb across the back of Lexa’s hand, hating to see the other girl suffering.  As she was about to make her attempts more aggressive, Clarke stumbled back as Lexa suddenly sat up.

      “NO!” 

      The shout was filled with anguish and fear as Lexa thrashed, still fighting the remnants of the nightmare.  Clarke watched in shock for a moment before she was moving, pulling the girl against her and wrapping her tightly in her arms.  

      “It’s ok.  You’re ok, Lexa,” Clarke whispered into her ear.  “You’re safe, I promised you’re safe.”

      Lexa fought against Clarke’s hold a few more seconds before she was roused completely, reality slowly taking over from the nightmare.  As soon as Lexa was aware of where she was and who she was with, she immediately pushed back from Clarke and rolled off their joined beds, putting distance between her and the blonde.  Her chest heaved as she worked to catch her breath and still her racing heart.  She ran a shaking hand through her hair, trying desperately to compose herself.  She squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions the nightmare had unearthed, the horrific images flashing across her eyelids as she did so.  She flinched when she felt Clarke’s hand on her forearm, a gesture meant to comfort her but only managing to remind her that she needed to get as far away from the blonde as possible.  

      “Lexa, please, let me help you,” she heard Clarke beg quietly.

      Lexa shook her head firmly, once.  She would not allow her darkness to consume Clarke as well.  Brushing Clarke’s hand away, Lexa moved to quickly exit the hut, hastily making her way towards the beach and putting as much distance between her and Clarke as she could manage.  The blonde was too pure for Lexa.  She would not taint her, she refused.  The fresh morning air cleared her mind further, pushing her nightmare away and helping Lexa focus.  She walked down to the beach, sitting in the sand a ways away from the village.  She stared out at the horizon, trying to forget the image of Clarke falling to the ground, her eyes dead and her soul gone from her body.  Lexa pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them, trying to comfort herself.  She watched the waves break and crash into the sand in front of her, the tide growing steadily closer with each one.  

      She had been the cause of so much pain, suffering, and death in others, Clarke was destined to be her latest victim if she carried on with the blonde.  Lexa didn’t know when it had happened, perhaps the feelings had always been there since their kiss in the tent, but Lexa knew that she was in trouble.  It was different then it had been with Costia.  With Costia, there had been a familiarity, and an understanding.  No matter how much they each loved one another, Lexa had always been Heda, Costia her subject.  Clarke did not hold that same place.  She was as much Lexa’s equal as Lexa was hers.  That scared Lexa.  She had never been faced with this position before and struggled to rationalize her feelings for the blonde as simply feelings of respect and gratitude for Clarke having saved her back in Polis.  Except, try as she might, Lexa knew that they were more than that; that Clarke meant more than that.  That scared Lexa even more. 

      Primarily, because Lexa had no idea how and when Clarke had slipped past her walls and secondly, because if anyone else found out the extent of her feelings for the blonde, Clarke would surely become Nia’s next target.  Lexa refused to allow that to happen; not again, not ever again.  She sat and mulled over this realization, that she was falling for the blonde despite all of her best efforts not to.  She still didn’t believe that she deserved love, let alone from Clarke.  She didn’t think she would ever be worthy of that. 

      After a couple hours, when the sun was sitting higher in the sky, she felt Clarke settle down next to her.  Thankfully, Clarke didn’t push her to talk, and she simply waited for Lexa to be ready.  As they sat, in comfortable silence, Clarke drew in the sand.  Before long, the image of Polis was apparent in front of them, growing with each stroke of Clarke’s skilled fingers.  Lexa watched in wonder as first the tower was outlined and then the numerous city blocks that surrounded it.  It was amazingly detailed for having been done in the sand.

      “That is incredible,” Lexa breathed, her voice hoarse from disuse.

      “Thanks,” Clarke replied quietly, her hand never stopping.  “I used to love to draw.  My prison cell in the Ark was covered in murals of what I used to imagine earth to be like.  I only ever had old books to go by and what I saw of the planet from my little window.  Still, it was nothing that I could imagine.  It’s so much better.”

      Lexa processed the new information, wondering what Clarke could have possibly done to end up imprisoned.  

      “My dad used to tell me these wild stories about what earth used to be like.  You know, before the bombs were dropped.  Tales about wild technology and huge, bustling cities.  It was hard to believe until I had seen Polis.  It almost makes me believe everything he told me and everything I’d read,” Clarke continued.

      Forgetting every logical reason she had come up with in the last hour as to why she she should push Clarke away, Lexa instead found herself inexplicably drawn to the blonde.  She found herself wanting to know more; needing to know more.  

      “What was he like?  Your father?” Lexa asked tentatively, not sure the topic was open for discussion.  She relaxed when she saw Clarke smile.  Something had changed for the blonde last night, Lexa could see the difference.  It was as though she trusted the brunette in some manner again, as though she was willing to confide in her once more.  If Clarke was being honest, the brunette made it easy.  It had always been easy to talk to Lexa, and Clarke was happy to have that part of their relationship back.  Lexa didn’t seem as resistant either, as though last night had been a development of sorts for her as well.

      “He would have liked you, I know that,” Clarke started.  “He was kind, funny, patient, righteous, and stubborn…so damn stubborn.”  At that, Clarke let out a small chuckle.  “He was always fighting for the good of everyone and doing the right thing, no matter the personal cost.  He was a lot like you, actually.  He believed in full disclosure and that’s what killed him.”

      Clarke’s features darkened as the memory of that day resurfaced.  Finally, her hand stilled in it’s actions, the mural in the sand forgotten.

      “He found out the Ark was dying and tried to warn all of the residents.  My mother found out and was only trying to protect him when she turned him into Jaha.  Jaha didn’t see it the way she did, instead seeing my father as a threat.  She got my father floated.”  Clarke swallowed and fought the tears that formed at the last image she had of her father standing in the isolated room that thrust him into the wide open space beyond.  “I couldn’t save him.  I tried, but I failed in the end, left to watch as his body was ripped from the Ark and flung into space.  In the blink of an eye, he was gone forever.”

      Lexa reached out and took Clarke’s hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing gently, trying to comfort the blonde.  Tears shone in Clarke’s eyes when she glanced up at Lexa, smiling gently in thanks.  She took a deep breath before continuing.

      “After he was gone, I was locked up by Jaha.  I was too young to float, but because I knew of my fathers discovery, I was still considered a threat.”  Clarke’s voice had turned bitter, the memory of her imprisonment making her sour.  “Jaha put me in isolation and I didn’t see another soul until I was removed from my cell to be sent here.”

      Clarke fell silent after that, her hand taking up it’s previous actions once more, adding more detail to the city she’d only ever been in once.  Lexa continued to hold Clarke’s hand, examining the smooth and nearly flawless skin.  It was a direct contrast to her own, scarred and made rough by battle.  After a few minutes, Lexa brought their joined hands to her lap, bringing her other hand to join them.  Sensing the change, Clarke stopped drawing in the sand, instead choosing to face Lexa, her attention directed solely on the girl before her.  She waited patiently for Lexa to speak.

      “I understand not being able to save those that you love.  I feel the same way about my parents…and about Costia.  That was what my nightmare was about,” Lexa began quietly.  “They blamed me for their deaths, said that I failed to protect them and avenge them.  They were right.”

      “Lexa, you were just a child when your parents were killed, there was nothing that you could have done.  If you had shown yourself, they would have died for nothing, and you right along with them,” Clarke argued.

      “But I was not a child when Nia killed Costia.  I was older then, wiser and better trained.  I should have been able to save her, but again I failed,” Lexa pointed out.

      “Lexa, Costia’s death was not your fault.  You can not blame yourself for the actions of that psychotic woman,” Clarke told her.

      “She was killed because she was mine.  I couldn’t protect her, just like I haven’t been able to protect you, and I refuse to lose you to Nia as well,” Lexa said vehemently.

      Clarke placed a hand under Lexa’s chin, forcing her to look at her much in the same way Lexa had done the previous night.  “I do not need protecting, Lexa.  I can defend myself.”

      “Costia was a trained warrior, nearly as good as me, yet Nia still slaughtered her,” Lexa swallowed as the image of Costia’s body in her bed resurfaced.  “She cut her body into pieces, disrespecting her spirit and not allowing her dignity in death.  While I was out searching for her, Azgedian warriors put the hacked up pieces of her in our bed for me to find upon my return home.  As long as I live, I will never forget that image.  Nia believed that it would break me, that it would remove me from my command.”

      Clarke shuddered at the image, her heart aching for the poor girl who had died so brutally, and for the one who had found her love in the bed they had both shared.  She couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain associated with that.  Suddenly, all of her feelings about Nia made sense, why she had always believed the woman was so cold and soulless.  The woman was pure evil, something that Clarke was now sure of.  Only someone truly sadistic and cruel could torture and brutalize a girl simply because of who loved her.

      “She was wrong.  It only served to make me stronger, to form the Coalition.  As much as I wanted to retaliate with violence, I knew that it would not make Costia’s death stand for anything.  Creating peace and moving forward was a better legacy to leave in her name.”  Lexa grew angry, her jaw clenching.  “Now though, that peace is threatened by the same woman that took my first love and by my own actions as a Reaper.”

      “What you did as a Reaper was beyond your control,” Clarke quietly pointed out.  “I’ve seen what those drugs do to people.  You never stood a chance despite how strong and stubborn you are.”

      A smile played at the corners of Lexa’s mouth at Clarke’s words, but her guilt over her actions refused to allow the humor to take hold.

      “Regardless, my people now look on me as a pariah.  They fear me where they used to respect me.”  Lexa’s features darkened as she looked down at their still joined hands.  “Many only greeted me out of fear last night, not out of respect for their Heda.  I refuse to lead with fear and if that is how my people regard me, maybe I should not return to my throne.”

      Clarke realized that was the darkness she had seen dwelling in Lexa’s eyes all night as she had moved among her people.

      “Lexa, they will come to respect you again, just give it time,” Clarke pled.  “They just need to see that you are back to yourself and that you are not the Reaper that Cage made you into.”

      “Perhaps,” Lexa conceded quietly.  “Only time will tell.”

      Clarke moved closer, pulling Lexa into her arms and hugging her tightly.  Lexa tensed at first, not used to being the one who was comforted, to having someone to share her burden of guilt and pain with.  Eventually, she relaxed into the embrace, snaking her arms around Clarke as well, finding solace in the blonde.  

      “It wasn’t your fault,” she heard Clarke whisper.  “Your parents would be proud of who you’ve become.  Whatever happens from here on out is not on you either.  I need you to understand that.”

      “I will try, Clarke,” Lexa compromised.

      As silence fell over them once more, Clarke found her mind wandering to Costia, to the girl about which she only knew manner of death.  She found herself wanting to know more, to understand just exactly who the girl that had made Lexa so happy, was.  Releasing Lexa, she moved to sit back up and faced the ocean once more.  Glancing over at Lexa, she saw the brunette had mirrored her position.

      “Would you mind telling me about Costia?” Clarke asked carefully, her tone implying to Lexa that it was ok for the brunette to refuse if she wished.  This time, it was Lexa’s turn to surprise Clarke.

      “I would love to.  She was so innocent and pure.  So good,” Lexa said sadly.  “You would have liked her.  She had so much energy and she was always happy, always smiling.  It was frustrating, you know?  That she could be so happy so easily.  You probably would have liked her more than me.  Much easier to get along with.”

      At that Clarke let out a genuine laugh, the sound bubbling up unexpectedly but happily.  Lexa grinned at the sound, reveling in it.  Clarke was so surprised that she froze in shock, the sound dying in her throat.  She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed.  She immediately felt guilty, as though finding her own happiness betrayed all those she’d sacrificed in the name of her people.  She still didn’t believe that she deserved peace or happiness.  She quickly swallowed the rest of the laugh, schooling her features to reflect indifference but understanding.  Sensing Clarke’s change in demeanor, Lexa raised a tentative hand to the blonde’s face, resting it on her cheek.  She was surprised when Clarke leaned into the touch.

      “It is ok to laugh, Clarke.  To find joy in the world.  It does not mean that you care any less about those you have lost,” Lexa inferred knowingly.  “It still hurts to talk about Costia and my parents, but each time I do, the pain lessens a little more.  At first I felt guilty, fearing that I was forgetting them, as though they meant nothing to me.  Then I realized that they would not want me dwelling in the past.  While I carry the burden of their deaths in my head and heart, I know that it is only natural to move on.  The pain lessens, but it never goes away.  That does not mean that you don’t ever get to be happy again.”

      Clarke looked down in shame.  “I want to be able to, but I don’t know that I am there yet.”

      Lexa nodded in understanding, scooting closer and wrapping her arm around Clarke, pulling her head to rest on her shoulder.  Clarke smiled, breathing in the familiar scent of the brunette, immediately feeling grounded once more.  It seemed she was getting used to allowing Lexa to comfort her, to Lexa holding her in her arms.  _Moving on, not forgetting_ , Clarke reminded herself.  Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the ocean as it moved ever closer to them.  The top portion of her drawing had already been swept away. 

      “Tell me more about Costia?” she asked quietly.

      She felt Lexa smile as a memory came to her.

      “Well, there was this one time when we were training with Anya and she used my love for her to literally get me on my back during a sword fight,” Lexa began, chuckling softly. 

      “I like her already,” Clarke grinning widely.

      “It all started on this brilliantly sunny day, much like today…”

 

**XXX**

 

      Indra and Kai arrived at the village later that evening, after the sun had already set for the day.  Both Lexa and Clarke were relieved to see them, Clarke even more so when she saw who they had brought with them.

      “Octavia?!  Lincoln?!” Clarke rushed to greet her old friends, embracing them tightly.

      Lincoln hugged her back, Octavia only tensing under her touch.  Clarke could understand the brunette, knowing they had not left things on the best terms.  Before Clarke could pull Octavia away and try and mend their broken bond, Indra pulled everyone’s attention back to reality.  

      “Heda, Lincoln and Octavia bring news from Polis,” she said grimly.

      Lexa turned her attention to the couple, waiting expectantly.

      It was Octavia who spoke first, “It isn’t good news…”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little bit shorter, apologies! I was originally going to add more, but the end point here felt too natural to keep going.
> 
> Hope you enjoy. As always, thanks for the comments/kudos/etc. 
> 
> Gouthru klir hashta yu soujon//Safe passage on your travels.

      Lexa led the small group back to the hut that she and Clarke had been staying in, motioning for Luna to follow her as they passed her piecing together a net.  Picking up on the tense mood, she didn’t question Lexa and her usual bubbly personality was subdued.  The group quickly settled on some of the unused beds, none mentioning the two beds that had been pushed together, though they were impossible to miss.  Lexa was the only one who remained standing, fidgeting with something in her hand that Clarke couldn’t see.  Octavia appeared just as nervous, her eyes darting everywhere except to Lexa.  Knowing her Commander would prefer brevity and directness, Octavia took a nearly inaudible breath before scooting slightly forward.

      “I know that you’re aware that Nia has taken Polis, over run it with her own warriors, forcing all to bow before her and killing all those who refuse,” Octavia began.

      Lexa only gave a curt nod in response, silently absorbing each of Octavia’s words.  She absentmindedly rolled the piece of stone around in her hand, her thumb running over the rough parts repetitively.  As Octavia continued speaking, she drew the stone further into her palm, the pressure her curled fingers were exerting on it causing the ragged edges to bite into her skin.

      “Nia has been ruthless, weeding out any one who opposes her and brutalizing them.  Blood colors the streets and the stench of death hangs heavy over every part of the city.  Those who haven’t been killed have been forced into hard labor in squalid conditions.  Men, women, and children.”  Octavia’s voice cracked slightly and she paused to gather herself.  Lincoln took her hand, trying to offer strength. 

      “All of this I expected,” Lexa replied, her face still a stoic mask.  “I am aware of exactly how far Nia is willing to go to retain the pretense of power that she claims to have.”

      “A few grounders- myself, Lincoln, and Indra included- were able to barter safe passage out of the city or sneak out under the cover of darkness,” Octavia continued, a new strength present in her voice as she plowed on.  “We fled to the nearest villages, warning anyone we could that you and Polis had fallen and that the Azgeda were coming.  Most did not believe us, even when it was Kai trying to convince them.  But then…the Ice Nation is barbaric.  I’ve never seen destruction to the level that they wrought.  It only took a few villages to fall in order for the rest to bend to Nia’s will.”

      Clarke watched Lexa as Octavia continued, amazed as always at Lexa’s rigid control of her emotions.  Her face gave away nothing.  The only reason Clarke knew Octavia’s words were having an effect was due to how tightly Lexa’s fist was clenched at her side, the skin straining over the muscles.

      “With each new village they take, hundreds die.  Anyone who even thinks about resisting is cut down and their bodies are strung up as examples to other dissenters,”  this time, it was Lincoln who spoke.  “Heda, Nia is desperate to find you…and the one who freed you.  She is willing to go to any length to do so.”

      Lexa froze at the mention of Nia’s efforts to locate not only her, but Clarke as well.  The fear was immediate and trickled into her bones as it clouded her mind.  “Does she know of Clarke’s role in my freedom?” she asked, stealing herself against the inevitable answer.

      Octavia glanced at Lincoln, the look of resignation clear on her face, as though she wished Lexa had not asked that specific question.  Her lack of answer and the look on her face was the only confirmation that Lexa needed, however, and Clarke saw fear and anger flash behind Lexa’s eyes before it was quickly tucked behind her mask.  Lexa clenched her fist harder to attempt to contain herself, her fingers and the stone they were wrapped around biting into her palm more harshly.  Pain shot up her arm, but she used it to focus and keep herself on track.  Losing herself to her emotions would not help anyone, especially Clarke.  A heavy silence enveloped the group, Clarke’s eyes never leaving Lexa’s tense form.  

      “Well, I guess it was only a matter of time,” Clarke sighed finally, breaking the silence.

      “Heda, my people will help,” Luna offered.  “There are many other villages in the area that I know will support your endeavors to oust this imposter.  I can send riders in the morning and we can be ready within a few days time to head back to Polis.”  

      “I can travel to the West to gather our brothers and sisters from the deserts,” Indra stated.  “They will always fight for the true Commander.  I can leave immediately.”

      “Not all of Nia’s warriors are loyal to her.  I know many who will support you, Heda, over her if given the chance.  Many of the Azgeda are tired of living in fear,” Kai added.

      “We can still defeat her.  We just need a few days to plan and organize an army,” Clarke reassured.

      When Octavia cleared her throat, the group redirected their attention back to the Sky Girl, waiting to  hear what else she had to say.  Seeming to gather herself once more, she took in a deep breath.

      “It gets worse…a few of the clans have aligned themselves with Nia, pledging themselves and their people to her,” Octavia revealed.  “Many know that you were turned into a Reaper, the thing that every Grounder fears the most.  She used that information to turn them against you.”

      It was as though the air from the room had been sucked out, everyone seeming to hold their breath as they waited for their Commander’s reaction.  A reaction to the news that the Coalition that she had worked so hard to build, that her first love had died for, was crumbling apart as they spoke.  Lexa seemed to have frozen in place, her face an unreadable mask. Clarke could practically feel the anger rolling off the brunette and braced herself for the outburst of anger.  An outburst that never came.  Lexa seemed to gather herself after a moment, her hand relaxing minutely as she took an almost imperceptible breath.

      “How many?” she question quietly.

      “Heda…,” Indra began.

      “How many Clans have we lost?  Do not make me repeat myself again,” Lexa said, lethality underlying every word and laying credence to her threat.

      Another moment of silence passed before Octavia quietly stated, “Four.”

      “Which ones?” Lexa asked calmly.

      “Ouskejon Kru, Delfikru, Yujleda Kru, and Sankru,” Lincoln replied counting each name off on his fingers.  “Along with Azgedakru, she now commands almost half the Coalition.”

      “Even with five nations under her command, we still stand a good chance of throwing her over, Heda,” Indra stated, anger apparent in her own voice.

      “Many of them may only be loyal to Nia because they feel they have no other choice,” Kai reasoned.  “Once they realize that you have not perished and are going to stand and fight her, they may as well.”

      “We can send riders to each remaining Clan.  If we promise them a safe place for their families, the warriors will fight,” Luna offered.

      Lexa remained silent as the group began discussing war tactics and strategy amongst themselves.  Clarke was the only other person besides Lexa who remained silent as she watched the brunette struggle to maintain her mask.  Clarke knew that the Coalition had been built on sacrifice, the effects of which Lexa would bear the rest of her life.  Clarke understood that having to hear about her people being slaughtered senselessly and the Coalition disintegrating,  Lexa would be struggling with the fact that some part of what was happening was due to her time as a Reaper.  Reflecting on the conversation they’d had earlier, Clarke figured Lexa was nearly at her limit in terms of controlling her emotions.  Her heart broke for the girl in front of her that had no choice but to remain calm and level headed, the girl who could not get angry for just a moment so that some of that pressure could be relieved.

      The group bantered back and forth for a few minutes, Lexa allowing them too.  She could feel the warm stickiness of blood running down her palm as the rock sliced into her hand.  She didn’t even feel the pain, her mind spinning as she tried to absorb everything her people had told her.  Everything she had worked for, everything that she had sacrificed, was all for nothing.  She struggled to listen to what the group was saying, something about tactics, but all she could hear was a light humming in her mind.  It was loud enough to block most of what they were saying out and Lexa worked to put a lid back on her emotions as they threatened to overwhelm her.  Looking up, she caught Clarke watching her, concern clear in the blonde’s features.  Lexa stared into her clear blue eyes, losing herself in their depths but finding that the longer she looked, the calmer she felt.  After a minute, Lexa was able to gather herself enough to address the warriors in front of her.

      “Enough,” she called just loud enough to be heard over the chatter.  The group immediately quieted and turned their attention to their leader.  “Do as Luna says.  Send riders to each remaining Clan and scouts to each fallen Clan.”

      “Why are we riding to the fallen Clans, Commander?  They’re already lost to us,” Octavia challenged.

      “If what Kai says is true, I would like to afford those who wish to stand with us the  opportunity of safety.  The scouts will have to be careful with who they speak to, however.  We do not need word of what we are planning making its way back to Nia,” Lexa replied.

      “How will they know who to trust?” Lincoln asked.

      “I will give the scouts the names of those I believe to still be loyal to me.  Those people will know which of their people they can trust,” Lexa began.  “As for the remaining Clans, offer them the same deal, my protection if they remain loyal.  Death, more likely by Nia’s hand than my own, if they do not stand with us.  They are free to choose, but be sure they are making an informed decision.  Does anyone have a problem with that?”

      When no one said a word, Lexa nodded once in acknowledgment. 

      “The furthest Clan, Azgeda, is a three day ride from here.  We will reconvene in six days.  Kai, you will ride to Azgeda, bring back as many as you can.  Go now.  Travel quickly and safely,” Lexa said dismissing the man.  

      Kai nodded and gave Clarke a wink before leaving the hut to go ready his horse.

      “Indra, I need you to go to our people.  Make sure they are ok and offer them shelter here if they desire it,” Lexa continued.

      “Trikru is strong, Heda.  We will stand our ground and we will fight for you until we’ve drawn our last breath,” Indra said proudly.  She stood and grasped Lexa’s forearm before also leaving the hut.  

      “Luna-,”

      “I know, I know.  ‘Marshal my forces’.  Blah, blah.  We’ve got you, Commander,” Luna interrupted good-naturedly before also moving to leave.

      Luna’s sarcasm did manage to elicit the smallest hint of a smile from Lexa, the corners of her mouth lifting for just a moment before she turned to address Lincoln and Octavia.  

      “I need both of you to seek help from Skaikru.  They will likely be the most resistant, believing that they have no place in Grounder affairs.  Make it clear to them that if they chose to try and remain neutral, Nia will strike them down without mercy,” Lexa said seriously.

      Before Lincoln and Octavia could reply, Clarke finally spoke.  “I could go.”

      The remaining three turned to look at her, Octavia clearly not happy.

      “Clarke, you left us all.  You’ve been gone for nearly three months.  I don’t think you’ll be the best person to try and convince everyone to join Lexa,” Octavia said a bit heatedly.

      “Besides, Nia’s assassins are combing the woods searching for you.  It would be too risky,” Lincoln pointed out, trying to smooth over the anger that was barely contained by Octavia.

      “I made it down here just fine.  I could make it back just as well,” Clarke argued, ignoring Octavia’s jab.  “I’m not the same naive girl that I was three months ago.”

      “That may be so, but you’re still more of a liability than anything.  You need to stay put,”  Octavia argued back.  “We can convince them that this is the right thing to do.”

      “I’m not just going to sit around while everyone else is out there risking their lives,” Clarke said angrily.

      “Clarke.”  The single syllable was soft, barely audible, but it was enough to cause Clarke to stop arguing and turn to face its source.  

      Lexa stood looking at her, her eyes barely masking the fear that was behind them.  Clarke could see it though, reading Lexa as easily as if she were a book.  

      “Octavia is right,” she said quietly once Clarke was facing her.  “Having you travel right now is an unnecessary risk.  For that same reason, I too will remain here.”

      Clarke tried to hide her surprise, knowing how difficult the decision to remain with Luna’s people had to be for Lexa.  She wasn’t one to sit back while others risked their lives either.  Sensing Clarke’s shock, Lexa took a step closer as she held the blonde’s gaze.

      “If either of us goes out there, it adds an additional danger to the ones already being faced.  This is the best way to accomplish our goals.  I do not like it either,” Lexa explained.

      Clarke looked down at her hands, her brow furrowing as she debated with herself.  She knew Octavia was right, she just didn’t like having to sit out.  She also didn’t feel like Lexa had a right to make her decisions for her, though in the back of her mind, she knew it was the right choice.  Finally after a minute, she sighed heavily.

      “Fine,” she finally agreed.  “But let the record reflect that I am _not_ pleased with this.”

      “Noted,” Octavia grumbled as she stood and walked out, still clearly angry herself.

      “I’ll prepare our horses and we’ll leave immediately,” Lincoln said before bowing slightly and turning to leave. 

      “Lincoln,” Lexa called as he reached the door, causing the man to turn.  “Gouthru klir hashta yu soujon.”

      “Sha, Heda,” he replied quietly before leaving.

      Clarke continued to sit on the bed, staring at her hands as she fought to control her anger at being essentially useless.

      “You should have allowed me to go,” she bit out angrily.  

      “Clarke, neither of us is happy that we must stay here while they risk their lives for us,” Lexa replied, not feeding into Clarke’s anger.

      “They’re my people, Lexa.  I should be the one going to them since _I’m_ the one in need of their help,” Clarke continued, raising her eyes to meet the brunettes.

      Lexa sighed quietly, her shoulders drooping slightly, the first indication of how strenuous the previous conversation had been.  “I understand, believe me I do.  You and I are the same in this way.  We will simply divert our energies to other tasks that need to be handled while we wait for them to return.”

      Clarke knew Lexa had been on an emotional roller coaster since the group had arrived at Luna’s village, that she should probably cut the other girl some slack, but she was too upset to care.

      “Oh that’s great,” she said sarcastically.  “Lets sit back and relax, make up plans that likely won’t last a second in battle, and hope they don’t get killed.” 

      “Clarke-,” Lexa tried.

      “No, I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t need you or anyone else to protect me,” Clarke interrupted, her voice gaining volume as she spoke.  “If Nia wants me so bad, here I am!  I’ve seen firsthand how she treats her people and I can’t stand to sit around here while more innocent blood is spilled in my name!  I already have enough blood on my hands!”

      With that, Clarke turned and marched out of the hut, not even giving Lexa a chance to respond.  She walked aimlessly, her mind steeped in the anger from the past few months only fueled by this latest development.  When she finally looked up, she realized she had found her way over to where Kai was preparing his horse.  She tried to turn and walk away before he turned and saw her, not in the mood to speak with anyone at the current moment.

      “Always so angry, Prisa,” she heard Kai say, chuckling.

      Sighing, she turned to face him, finding his back still turned to her.  She shook her head at the realization that he had always known she was there.  She had to learn that trick.  She walked over to his horse, a beautiful chestnut mare, and began petting it’s face as she avoided Kai’s gaze.  She worked on reigning in her emotions as Kai quietly continued to prepare for his journey.  After an extended period of silence, Clarke sighed once more before looking at Kai.

      “Octavia and Lincoln are going to my people to ask for their help.  They told me it would be better if I stayed put.  Said I’m too much of a liability,” she recounted for the Grounder.  The Commander agreed.”

      Kai chuckled quietly, causing Clarke to glare at him.  “I’m not laughing at you Prisa, just the circumstances.  You are the only person I know that would willingly walk into danger for absolutely no reason.  I’ve also seen the way you wield that sword, I’d say you’re a liability as well.”

      Kai’s chuckle turned into a full and deep laugh at Clarke’s angry look, the blonde unappreciative of his humor in the moment.

      “This isn’t funny, Kai.  There is a reason,” Clarke argued back.  “We need Skaikru to stand with us.”

      “And they will,” Kai reassured once he’d stopped laughing.  “Octavia and Lincoln will make sure of that.”

      “They’re putting their lives on the line to do this.  I’m tired of people dying for me,” Clarke murmured quietly.  “The Commander is content to just sit here and let it happen.”

      Kai finished tethering his last bag to the mare and turned to face Clakre, all amusement gone from his face.

      “Prisa, this is war.  People die.  They know what they are getting into and they’ve decided that you are worth giving up their lives for, that this war is worth their lives.”  Kai stepped closer to Clarke, leaving her no where to look but at him.  “Just as I know the risks and have accepted them.”

      Clarke looked down at her hands, swallowing heavily at the sudden rush of emotion that burned at her throat.  Not trusting her voice, she merely nodded once in understanding.

      “The Commander is wise, you must trust her,” Kai added.

      At that, Clarke let out a humorless laugh.  “Trust her?  Based on what?  All she’s ever done is betray me.  Who’s to say she won’t do it again?”

      “I heard about what happened on that mountain, all of it,” Kai placed a hand under Clarke’s chin, forcing her to look up.  “She made the same decision you did.  She saved her people.  You can not fault her for that.”

      Clarke already knew this and had no idea why she was still so angry about the events of that night.  She had made the same choice.  She wondered how Kai had figured out what had happened on the mountain that night, but figured it didn’t matter.

      “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Clarke asked instead.  

      “If you had wanted to talk about it, you would have.  It was not my issue to press, just like this one is neither of ours to press.”  Kai responded.  “The Commander rules with her head and this decision is based on logical fact.  You know that as well as I do.  Do not be upset with her for doing what is necessary to ensure everyone is safe.”

      Clarke sighed in defeat, knowing that what Kai said was true.  She was ashamed for the way she had reacted, allowing her emotions to embarrass her.

      “You’re right, I know,” she admitted reluctantly.

      “Of course I’m right.  I am always right,” Kai boasted.  “Although, you are both so hard headed, I’m surprised you work together at all,” Kai joked, breaking the serious atmosphere that had settled around them.

      Clarke feigned offense and smacked him lightly on the arm which granted her one of his rolling, jovial laughters.  “Don’t be rude!” she berated him playfully.

      “I merely say what I see.”  He winked at her as he gracefully mounted his horse.  

      Clarke backed up to allow him the space to leave.  As his horse took a couple steps, he pulled up short and turned in the saddle.

      “You are good for her, same as she is good for you.  She looks to you for guidance, do not be upset at her for looking out for your well-being.  While this is a decision made with her head, I suspect that her heart had some say in the matter as well.” Before Clarke could ask him what he meant, he’d turned and spurred the mare on, disappearing quickly from sight.  Clarke huffed out a breath and turned to walk down to the beach, needing just a bit more time before eating her pride and apologizing to Lexa for her behavior.

 

**XXX**

 

      Clarke lost track of time as she sat by the water, realizing only at sunset that she had been gone for hours.  She had walked for a while, settling down on the sand of a small alcove behind some rocks.  The boulders afforded her a modicum of privacy, allowing her to stew in her own thoughts and mull over Kai’s parting words.  As the sky grew darker, Clarke decided to make her way back to the village.  As she drew near, she could smell something cooking on a fire, her stomach grumbling and reminding her that she had yet to eat that day.  When she entered the village, her eyes unconsciously sought out Lexa, but was disappointed when she didn’t find her.  She gratefully ate the meat of a boar that was offered to her, filling herself quickly.  Once full, she pulled some extra meat off and made her way back to her shared hut.

      It was dark inside, the only light coming from a few candles that had been lit and placed on a table that had been moved into the hut.  As she came around one of the posts, she noticed Lexa standing over one of the ends of the bed looking intently at a large piece of paper rolled out before her.  It seemed Lexa hadn’t noticed Clarke had returned, and Clarke was about to announce her presence when she noticed the droop to Lexa’s shoulders, something uncharacteristic of the brunette.  As she moved forward slightly, she watched as Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose as she shut her eyes.  Clarke heard her take a deep breath, the almost defeated sound of it resonating in the empty hut.  

      Clarke had never seen Lexa look so worn, so utterly…beaten, regret flooding her for her earlier actions.  Clarke knew in that moment she was looking at Lexa, the girl, not the all powerful Commander that ruled over thousands.  She wished Lexa would let that side of her show more often, but she also understood what that would mean for the brunette.  Lexa would have to open herself up to feel, to trust, to let down walls that Clarke assumed she had built after each loss.  She understood the motivation behind those walls, feeling as though it was the only way one could survive the horrors that this world wrought upon them.  Oh, Clarke knew about it all too well.  Lexa had let her walls down once with Clarke, immediately having to turn around and make what Clarke now knew was an impossible decision.  Clarke didn’t think highly enough of herself to imagine that more walls had been built to soothe the sting of that betrayal, but she did hope that all was not lost.  The more she was around Lexa, the more she was beginning to feel as though forgiveness could be granted and happiness might soon follow.  She knew that the brunette had everything to do with that change of thought, with the now growing spark of hope in the blonde’s chest.  

      Lexa, however, seemed to still be as closed off as before, Clarke only catching glimpses here and there of the girl behind the stoic mask.  Clarke knew that she had had her own struggles in the last few months, not being able to imagine the destruction that Lexa had brough to her own people as a Reaper.  Clarke could only continue to be patient and wait for the brunette to trust herself, hoping that eventually Lexa would come to trust her as well.  Knowing Lexa likely wouldn’t appreciate being caught in such a vulnerable moment, the blonde cleared her throat and made her steps heavier to make her presence known.  The brunette jumped slightly, her hand instinctively moving to grab the knife at her waist before she realized who had joined her.

      “Clarke.  You startled me,” Lexa said standing up straight, all whispers of .

      “Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Clarke said as she watched the brunette roll her shoulders and massage her neck, assumedly easing the tension of the day from them.  “I didn’t see you at dinner, so I brought you some food.”

      Lexa’s face was cast in shadow, but Clarke thought she caught surprise on the other girls features before she once more replaced her trademark mask.

      “Thank-you,” the brunette replied quietly, moving to take the food from the blonde.

      “Have you been in here all day?” Clarke asked curiously, looking at the table.

      “I have been trying to figure out our best plan of attack, a feat not easily achieved with how fortified Polis is,” Lexa replied as she sat to eat.

      “Would you like to run over the parameters while you eat?  Perhaps a second set of eyes will catch something you haven’t considered,” Clarke offered.

      Lexa considered Clarke’s words quietly, chewing over a bite of food as she did so.  Like Clarke, she had not eaten all day either.

      “Our biggest problem will be the high walls that protect the entire city,” Lexa began.  “They will be heavily guarded and there is no other way in.  We used to have access through tunnels, but they collapsed with the heavy rains of last spring.”

      Clarke moved over to the table as Lexa spoke, unrolling several of the papers to see that they were crude maps.  Some were of Polis, other covered regions that were unfamiliar to Clarke.

      “Luna brought those.  They depict much of my land.”  Lexa dipped her head, looking at the food in her hands before adding quietly,  “Well, what used to be my land.”

      Clarke moved to sit beside Lexa, waiting until the brunette looked up once more.  “We’ll save your people, Lexa.  I know we will.”

      The brunette simply nodded, unconvincingly, and took another bite of the food.

      “Listen…I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for the way that I behaved earlier.  It was childish,”  Clarke apologized.  “You made the right call and I just didn’t want to hear it.”

      “Despite what you may think, I am genuinely concerned with your well-being, as well as everyone else’s,” Lexa stated quietly.

      “I know,” Clarke conceded, “and I knew it then.  I let my emotions guide my behavior and I am sorry for that.”

      “Don’t be,” came Lexa’s swift reply, “I understand very well the need to feel useful, to not allow others to wage your battles.  Just remember who you are truly angry with.”

      “I know,” Clarke huffed.  

      A comfortable silence fell over them as Lexa finished her food, rolling her shoulders as she moved back over to the table.  Clarke could almost see the burdensome weight that rested on them as the brunette stared at one of the maps.  Clarke had never asked to be a leader, rather thrust into the position by circumstance, but neither had Lexa.  Yet, the brunette wore the title as though it was a part of her being and never complained.  Her enduring strength in the face of so many horrible things and impossible decisions was astounding to Clarke.

      “How do you do it?” Clarke asked before she could stop herself.

      “Do what?” Lexa asked, turning to face the blonde.

      “Carry the weight of all those decisions, the weight of all those lives,” Clarke elaborated.

      Lexa stilled for a moment before setting down the map she’d been studying and faced Clarke, her face unreadable.

      “I bear it so that my people do not have to.  I do not have a choice, nor would I want one.  This is who I am, who I have always been,” Lexa said proudly.

      “Victory stands on the back of sacrifice…,” Clarke muttered to herself, recalling Lexa’s previous words from another time. 

      “Even if that is self-sacrifice,” Lexa supplied quietly.  “It is the cost of being a leader, one that I will happily pay to see my that my people are safe and at peace.”

      Clarke nodded in understanding, lost in her own thoughts.  After a moment of peaceable silence, another query popped into Clarke’s mind.

      “Still…how do you manage to stay so calm and collected?  To hear everything that Octavia and the others said and still carry on as though everything will be ok?” Clarke questioned.

      “I don’t understand,” Lexa replied, her features reflecting her obvious confusion.  “There is no other choice but to move forward.  These things are already done or happening.  It does no one any good to dwell on the past.”

      Clarke rolled her eyes and huffed out a frustrated breath as she stood and moved away from the brunette. 

      “Really, Lexa?  Are you a robot?” Clarke asked.

      “A what?” If possible, Lexa appeared even more confused than before.

      Despite being totally frustrated, Clarke pulled a half smile.  “A robot.  An emotionless machine.” Clarke explained.

      “I assure you I am as much flesh and blood as you, Clarke,” Lexa replied seriously, completely missing Clarke’s point.

      Clarke sighed again as she turned away and ran her hands through her hair, her fingers catching a few knots as they moved.  She focused on untangling them while she tried to gather herself so her frustration would not cause another childish outburst.  She knew Lexa was closed off, likely as a way to protect herself, but it could be frustrating how utterly detached the brunette projected herself to be.  Clarke knew Lexa had to be hurting for her people since learning of the destruction and strife in her lands earlier.  Lexa was human, despite what she said otherwise.  

      Clarke had seen the way her fist had clenched with each new revelation.  After a moment, once her own emotions were reigned in, Clarke turned back to find Lexa staring unseeingly at the same map, clearly lost in her own thoughts.  Clarke moved back over to where the brunette was standing, coming to rest at her side.  Clarke waited for Lexa to face her, making sure the brunette was focused on her before speaking.  Clarke searched Lexa’s face, looking for any sign of what she was actually feeling.  Seeing nothing but Lexa’s well maintained mask, Clarke sighed quietly once more. 

      “You don’t always have to be so strong.  I tried that.  I know how lonely it can be,” she murmured quietly. 

      She watched a flicker of emotion pass over Lexa’s face, a brief flash of the pain that Clarke knew she was trying to keep under wraps.  As briefly as it appeared, it was gone again, neatly tucked away.

      “I am fine, Clarke,” was all Lexa said in reply.

      Clarke nodded, understanding that Lexa would have to make the next move if and when she wished to.  Clarke had lain the bricks by letting Lexa know that she would be there for the brunette should she decide to allow someone else to share the weight of her decisions.  Clarke pulled the map that Lexa had been staring at closer to her, noting it was a depiction of a tan colored terrain containing very few structures.  Clarke’s eyes traveled to the bottom corner where “Sankru” was written in rough print.  She realized it was one of the Clans that had since aligned with Nia, further breaking the Coalition.

      “What will you do with the Clan leaders that have betrayed you?” Clarke asked curiously, imaging that each would pay with their life for their transgressions.

      “They are merely doing what they believe is right for their people.  I can not fault them for that,” Lexa answered, her gaze burning into Clarke’s as the true meaning behind her words fell into place.

      Clarke understood what the brunette was implying, that one can not be faulted for doing what is necessary as a leader to protect their people.  Just as Clarke could not fault Lexa for leaving her at the mountain and Clarke could not be faulted for destroying the mountain to save the Sky People.  Clarke merely glanced down, unable to maintain Lexa’s unyielding gaze, unable to forgive herself just yet.  She was not as strong as the brunette, but each day was becoming a little easier.  It was then that she noticed the jagged cuts across the palm of Lexa’s right hand.  Without thinking, she reached out and lightly grasped the injured appendage, bringing it up to the dim light so that she could see the wound better.

      “What happened?” Clarke frowned, concern evident in her tone.

      Lexa withdrew her hand gently, closing her hand and placing it back at her side.  “It is only a scratch.”

      “Regardless, you should allow me to clean it and wrap it up.  Your immune system is still weak from the Reaper drug and you can’t risk an infection.  Even the smallest amount of bacteria could make you very sick,” Clarke stated, moving to gather the necessary supplies.

      “As you wish, Clarke,” she heard Lexa quietly reply.

      Clarke gestured for Lexa to sit on their joined beds as she poured water in a bowl and tore up a clean sheet into smaller strips.  Setting down the bowl of water as she also sat, Clarke pulled the brunette’s hand back into her own lap so she could both see and reach it.  She gently scrubbed away the dry blood, realizing that they were relatively shallow cuts, not anything that would require stitches.  She understood immediately that the wounds were the result of Lexa's nails cutting into her palm as she had clenched her fist earlier.  Clarke concentrated on wiping the wound clean and not how warm Lexa’s hand was in hers or how her palms were slightly calloused, showcasing the difficult life the brunette lived.  Something about having Lexa’s hand in her own felt so incredibly right, as though they had been made to rest in each other, and Clarke tried to keep focused on the task at hand.  Once the wound was cleaned, Clarke gently wrapped it in a strip of cloth, tying the ends together on the back of Lexa’s hand to keep it secure.  Once finished, she ran her thumbs over each side of the makeshift bandage, making sure it would stay secure while Lexa slept, her thumbs accidentally brushing over Lexa’s knuckles.  Clarke was reluctant to release the brunette’s hand, wishing to stay in the quiet, easy moment forever.

      Though scarred, the back of Lexa’s hand was surprisingly soft. Without realizing it, Clarke began to trace over the sweeping white lines that marred the back of Lexa’s hands, her thumb trailing over each individual mark.  Some were jagged, some were straight and precise, clean almost.  Her knuckles were the worst, appearing to have patches of skin missing between the knuckles that had healed over multiple times.  She lightly traced over each knuckle, then between them, loosing herself in the feel of the other girl’s hand in her own.  She jumped slightly when Lexa spoke quietly.

      “Those are from every battle I have ever been in.  Each fight tore my knuckles open, each victory saw them heal over once more.”  Lexa offered the information freely as she allowed Clarke to continue brushing her thumbs across her skin.

      Clarke looked up to see Lexa staring at their joined hands, watching the movement of Clarke’s thumbs as they moved on to the next scar, rubbing lightly as she did so.  She tried not to imagine how many fights the brunette had been in during her short life, knowing it was more than any person her age should have been privy to.

      “Most are from training, a knife slipping here and there, or a sword, though a few have been the result of fights,”  Lexa continued, unprompted and indicating the cleaner scars.  

      Clarke used her index finger to trace a particularly large and jagged scar.  It began between Lexa’s knuckles and disappeared under the bandage that transected the middle of Lexa’s hand.  It reappeared on the other side only to wind its way across the inside of Lexa’s wrist and beneath the sleeve of the shirt she was wearing.  As she traced along it, Lexa flipped her hand over so that Clarke could continue her movements, running her finger to the inside of Lexa’s wrist over the pulse point to where it disappeared beneath the sleeve.

      “What is this one from?” Clarke inquired.

      “I made an error during a fight, one that I paid for,” Lexa answered.  “She had a knife and I thought I had more time. I was wrong, but I was also lucky.  Indra saved me at the last moment.”

      “Not surprising.  She’s pretty scary,” Clarke admitted.

      Lexa chuckled quietly, surprising both of them.  “She is an excellent general, and friend.  I trust her with my life.”

      “It must be nice to have that,” Clarke said, now absentmindedly running her thumbs over Lexa’s hand once more as she looked at the brunette.

      “It is,” Lexa agreed, her voice dropping to a whisper as she unconsciously moved closer to Clarke, narrowing the distance between them.

      Sensing the movement, Clarke’s heart stuttered in her chest and the air seemed to electrify around them as she continued moving her thumbs across Lexa’s palm, brushing over the rough skin.  The next time she glanced up, she found Lexa’s face inches from hers, causing her breath to hitch in her throat.  Candlelight danced across the brunette’s features, throwing them in elegant relief while also making Lexa’s green eyes more vivid.  Clarke was utterly captivated, drawn in by the swirling emotions she found in them, watching as they slowly dilated under her stare until they were almost completely black.  

      At some point, they’d both leaned in, their faces only mere inches apart.  Their breaths mingled in the space between them, and Clarke realized that Lexa’s breaths were as short and irregular as hers. Clarke’s eyes flicked to Lexa’s lips, her tongue darting out unconsciously to wet her own.  When she met Lexa’s gaze, it was to find it hooded and focused on her lips.  Without being particularly cognizant of what she was doing, Clarke began to lean forward, intent on closing the remaining space between them.  Her eyes fluttered closed as Lexa leaned in to meet her halfway.  

      “Um…Heda?” 

      The tentative voice shocked both girls, each jolting away from each other and leaping to their feet as they spun to face the doorway of the hut and the source of the sound.  Clarke heard rather than saw Lexa produce her knife.  Their gaze fell upon an embarrassed looking young teenager, no more than thirteen, arms laden with numerous rolls of paper.  Lexa and Clarke both relaxed, Clarke’s cheeks coloring immediately upon realizing there was no threat.  Lexa sheathed her knife and slipped on her mask effortlessly as she walked up to the teen and addressed him quietly in Trigedasleng.  After a brief conversation, Lexa relieved the teen of the rolls and dismissed him.  With one embarrassed look back, the teen hustled out of the hut.  

      Clarke ran her hands through her hair and took a shaky breath as she tried to quell the heat that had spread across her cheeks at being interrupted.  She shook her head as she realized what she had almost done.  Lexa appeared to be attempting to do the same, her back turned to the blonde as she unnecessarily shuffled the rolls of maps in repetitive piles.

      “Lexa I-,” Clarke began just as Lexa spoke.

      “I shouldn’t have-,” Lexa started.

      Both stopped, Lexa turning to face Clarke.  Lexa gestured at Clarke to proceed, the blonde having nearly lost her nerve to speak when the brunette faced her.  She took a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking.

      “Its been an emotional roller coaster of a day and I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Clarke started.

      “You aren’t, Clarke,” Lexa interjected.  “It was I who would have been taking advantage of you.  It was foolish of me to assume that you were ready.”

      “You wouldn’t have been taking advantage of me,” Clarke revealed.  “You are right, to an extent.  It wouldn’t be fair to you, to either of us, for me to use whatever this is,” Clarke gestured between them both, “to temporarily assuage my guilt and anger.” 

      Lexa stared at her for a long moment, seemingly at war with her own emotions.  Apology rang true in Clarke’s words, and Lexa knew that this was not easy for the blonde.  She knew what it was like to hate yourself so completely that you felt as though you deserved nothing good for the rest of your life.  Costia’s death had made her feel similarly until a certain blonde had walked into her tent all those months ago.  With one look, she’d felt hope for her own salvation blossoming.  If she was being honest, Clarke’s reasons to wait were the same as Lexa’s, Clarke had just voiced them first.  She was no where near ready to forgive herself for her own actions as a Reaper, or for how her people were currently suffering at the hands of Nia.  Finally, after a pregnant silence filled with “almosts” and “not yets", Lexa nodded her agreement. 

      Relief flooded Clarke’s features at the simple gesture of understanding, silently thanking Lexa for her seemingly limitless patience.  Clarke moved over to the brunette and took her uninjured hand in her own, giving it a light squeeze before dropping it once more.

      “Thank-you for being patient with me,” Clarke murmured.

      “Always, Clarke,” Lexa whispered.

      Lexa broke eye contact first, returning to study the new maps that the Grounder teen had supplied them with.  Seeing Lexa roll her shoulders again, something that Clarke now realized was the brunette’s way of relieving pent up tension, Clarke covered Lexa’s hand once more.  

      “It’s late.  Why don’t we go to bed,” Clarke said when Lexa looked up at her.

      “We must be ready for when the riders return,” Lexa argued.

      “You’ll be of no use to anyone if you’re too tired to form a coherent thought,” Clarke reasoned back.  “The maps will still be here tomorrow.”

      Lexa turned to look at the maps, clearly debating Clarke’s words.  She knew that Clarke was right, that she needed to rest.  The tension in her neck and shoulders from standing over the war table all afternoon was becoming unbearable.  She also knew that Nia would show no mercy, that they needed to be ready at a moments notice.  Finally, she gave a reluctant nod and began blowing out the candles, throwing the hut into darkness.

      “Until tomorrow, Clarke,” she said quietly as they both moved to their respective beds.

      Lexa felt rather than saw Clarke’s hesitation as they both realized their beds were still pushed together. 

      “I can move my bed if that would be easier for you,” Lexa offered, masking how much she didn’t want to be separated from the blonde, even in sleep.

      “If that’s what you want,” Clarke replied, Lexa’s hope faltering at the words.  

      She knew she shouldn’t have tried to kiss the blonde, that it was too soon.  She’d likely ruined any progress they had made, regardless of how little had actually been made.  Who was she kidding?  She didn’t deserve someone like Clarke, not after she’d had her chance with Costia.  The fates were not that generous.

      “I’m perfectly fine with it though,” Clarke continued, cutting off Lexa’s spiraling thoughts.

      “What?” Lexa asked, sure she’d misheard over the voice that had been yelling in her head that she wasn’t good enough, never would be.

      “The beds.  I’m fine with them staying the way they are…I mean, if you are,” Clarke finished awkwardly, the brunette’s silence making her doubt herself.

      “I’m fine with it as well,” Lexa managed to spit out, thankful that her voice didn’t betray her internal war.

      “Ok then,” Clarke acknowledged as she laid down in her bed, facing away from Lexa’s side.

      “Ok then,” Lexa parroted quietly to herself as she also moved into bed.

      Lexa was too keyed up and lay awake for a while, just listening to the sounds of Clarke’s breathing slowing down as the blonde fell asleep.  After a while, Lexa found the deep and even breaths calming as they lulled her to sleep.  She could feel the dark taking over, the exhaustion of the day finally pulling her under.  It was at that juncture, when her walls were completely down, that she allowed herself a moment to simply feel.

      “You are stronger than you know, Skai Prisa,” she whispered as she faded.  Then, knowing Clarke was asleep, she added.  “You are _my_ strength.”


	13. Chapter 13

      Lexa woke with a start, covered in sweat and breathing heavily.  She quickly glanced to her side, hoping she had not woken Clarke as she had the last couple nights, but she found the bed next to hers empty and cold.  She took a moment to gather herself, shaking away the last vestiges of the nightmare that she couldn’t quite remember but could still feel.  Changing quickly, she exited the hut to find that the sun was just barely peeking over the horizon, a new day just beginning.  It had been four days since the riders had left, the last few days spent inside the hut as she and Clarke worked on battle plans relentlessly.  Instead of returning inside to mull over the war plans she knew were supposed to be the priority, she found herself walking towards the center of the village, for the first time actually taking a moment to look around at the beauty.  Other huts dotted the worn sand path that led to the center of the village, large sand dunes protecting them from the sea should it ever find its way up the shore.  People were waking everywhere, having opted to sleep outdoors due to the fine weather, grumbling and yawns fairly prevalent in the light morning mist.  

      Lexa smiled to herself as she watched a child try and wake his older sibling, the older child swatting his hand away and burrowing further under her blanket.  Lexa used to act similarly with Anya, never wanting to get out of bed and face the day when she was first brought to Polis.  Needless to say, Anya always won those battles, generally tipping Lexa out of her bed and onto the cold stone floor.  Lexa smiled fondly at the memory, the ache she usually felt at her mentors death lessened with time.  As she continued to wind her way through the living area of the small village, she began noticing the difference in structures, the ones she was passing now clearly tailored for the sale of goods and services.  There was more activity in this section of the village as merchants prepared their goods for the day, the smell of food emanating from somewhere and making her mouth water.  

      She heard footsteps sound behind her and turned to see an elderly gentleman, bowed over with age and skin wrinkled from decades spent under the hot sun, walking stiffly over to her.  She paused and walked the few steps back to him to save him the extra steps, which were clearly difficult for him due to age.  When she reached him, he lifted his head to look at her and smiled warmly, reaching out for her hand.  She took it silently, unsure of what the man wanted with her.  She knew these people feared her, not because she was their Commander, but for the stories they had heard about her the last few months.  She could find no trace of fear in his face though, his smile genuine.  She was further confused as the man tightened his grasp on her hand and began to gently pull her back to a stand where she could see another elderly man preparing the stall for the day.  

      Her guide dropped her hand as they reached the stall, squeezing the other man’s hand in a gesture that communicated familiarity and love, and retrieved an item from the stall.  She smiled at the small gesture between him and the other man, who was clearly his mate, longing stirring in her own chest.  He offered the item to her, a wide smile still on his face.  She stared at it for a moment before he emphatically gestured for her to open the small package.  She unwrapped it to reveal a plate of the delicious smelling food that had made her mouth water earlier, a grin breaking out on her face at the sight.  She looked back up to the man and his companion, more thanks than she could ever voice shining in her eyes.  They were both looking at her with admiration and love, not the fear that she had been expecting.  That, above all else, planted the first seed of hope that maybe all of her people could overcome their fear of her.

      “Mochof,” she grunted, trying to keep her emotions in check at the display of affection.  “Please, allow me to pay you.”

      “It is our gift to you, Heda,” the man insisted, his companion nodding in agreement.  “We will always be loyal to you.”

      Not trusting her voice, she simply nodded and grasped each of their forearms in thanks before moving on.  She covered the food back up as she walked, intent on finding Clarke so that they could eat together.  She quickly made her way through the rest of the stands, a few other people calling morning greetings out to her and further sparking the hope in her chest.  Of course, there were those few who still regarded her with fear and hesitancy to trust in their eyes and she tried not to let those few bother her.  She drew closer to the area that the Boat Clan had designated as their training area, the sand flattened and packed down so that it yielded a solid fighting ground.  

      It was there that she found Clarke, the blonde alone in the middle of one of the training rings, slowly but methodically going through movements with her sword.  Lexa watched in silence as Clarke moved fluidly, experience ringing in each thrust, parry, and sweep of the blade.  Clarke had stripped down to just a form fitting black tank top and her pants, sweat glistening across her shoulders as the sun glinted off her blonde locks.  Lexa swallowed heavily as she watched Clarke’s back muscles ripple beneath her skin with each deliberate movement.  As she watched, Clarke turned so that her left side was in Lexa’s view, Lexa catching sight of what were clearly claw marks on the blonde’s toned bicep, a wound that had long since healed.  She wondered briefly if it had anything to do with the bite wound she’d noticed on the blonde’s right shoulder as she’d tended to the arrow wound.  

      She froze as she realized Clarke had turned to face her and was watching her with a knowing smirk on her face.  Lexa realized her mouth had been hanging open slightly as her eyes had continued to drink in the blonde’s movements.  Lexa could feel the embarrassment burning up her neck and in her cheeks.  Before Lexa could fully gather herself, Clarke quirked an eyebrow and moved over to pick up another sword that was laying on the ground near her feet.

      “Want to go a few rounds?” she called challengingly, eyebrow still raised.

      Lexa debated for a moment before setting down the plate of food and stripping off her over shirt, leaving herself in a similar tank top that bared her arms, back, and shoulders.  She just barely caught Clarke’s gasp, knowing the blonde was seeing the various scars that criss-crossed across her back and the intricate tattoo she knew rested between her shoulder blades.  She rolled her shoulders a few times to loosen the tension that she always carried between them, turning and facing the blonde after a moment.  Clarke was the one standing and staring slightly open-mouthed now, something akin to pity shining in her eyes.  Lexa smirked to lighten the mood and take the focus off of her back as she walked over to Clarke.

      “Well?” Lexa prompted.  “Are you going to keep standing there and staring or are we going to fight?”

      Clarke cleared her throat and handed Lexa one of the swords, her fingers brushing over Lexa’s just slightly at the exchange.  Lexa lowered herself into her fighting stance, sword at the ready, and watched as a switch was flipped in the blonde.  All emotion was erased from her face as she mimicked Lexa’s stance, a focused look of determination appearing.  Seeing Clarke morph into someone almost recognizable threw Lexa off for a second, the brunette dropping her guard out of concern for the blonde.  It was all the opportunity that Clarke needed as she stepped into Lexa’s space and thrust her sword at the brunette, Lexa barely reacting in time to deflect the blow and spin away.  _Focus, Lexa!_ , she scolded herself as she deflected another attack from Clarke.  The blonde was fast, and efficient, more than Lexa had anticipated.  She had seen Clarke fight before, and she knew how deadly the blonde had become with a sword since she’d last seen her, but did not expect that energy to ever be focused on her.

      She’d be lying if she said it didn’t make her happy though, having someone fight her like they would any other person, not pulling their strikes just because she was their Commander.  She deflected yet another attack as Clarke drove her back, step-by-step.  She allowed Clarke one more attack before she pushed the blonde back and went on the offensive herself.  She was totally consumed with the blonde in front of her, the equal give and take of offensive and defensive strikes being exchanged between the two.  Lexa found Clarke a more than formidable foe, the blonde more closely matched in skill than even Costia had been.  Lexa had never expected any less from the blonde and was happy to see that while the circumstances may have been grim, Clarke had used the last few months of self-hatred to better herself, whether she knew it or not.  

      Lexa had no idea how long they went back and forth, each gaining ground before the other took it once more.  They were both breathing heavily, arms fatigued to the point where lifting their swords was becoming increasingly difficult, when Lexa finally managed to disarm Clarke.  The blonde’s sword skittered across the training sand to the far corner, out of Clarke’s reach.  Lexa held her sword to Clarke’s chest, her own heaving as she struggled to catch her breath.  

      “Seems you are without a weapon, Clarke,” she teased.

      Clarke glared playfully back at the brunette, “So it would seem…”

      “Do you submit?” Lexa challenged.

      Faster then she could blink, Clarke was moving and Lexa felt the cold press of a blade against her neck as her own sword went flying.  “I guess that depends,” Clarke whispered, her warm breath playing across Lexa’s cheek.  “Do you?”

      Lexa fought the urge to swallow, refusing to show just how affected she was by the blonde’s close proximity and words.  “It would seem we are at an impasse then, Clarke.”

      When Lexa saw confusion cloud the blonde’s eyes, she looked down, indicating the blonde should follow her gaze.  When Clarke’s eyes fell upon the knife that Lexa had poised to slice open her stomach, Clarke looked back up, amusement taking the place of confusion.

      “Ah, so it seems,” Clarke conceded.

      Lexa had reacted on instinct when Clarke had moved inside her defensive space, producing the knife before thinking about her actions.  She silently thanked Anya and Indra for their incessant lessons on muscle memory.  Neither girl broke the others gaze, each too stubborn to back down first, but also content to remain in each other’s space.  Finally, they heard someone clear their throat behind them and Lexa turned her head to find a small crowd made up of mostly children standing wide eyed behind them.  Lexa quickly sheathed her knife and turned to fully face the crowd, thankful that she had been exerting herself so that the color of embarrassment that was creeping up in her cheeks would be indiscernible.  She heard Clarke clear her throat next to her and saw the blonde fighting to keep a smile off her face as she regarded their audience.

      “I’m sorry, are we cutting into training time?” Clarke asked apologetically, indicating the wooden swords each child was carrying.

      “No, no, Wanheda.  We have learned much from watching you and Heda fight before us,” one of the mentors replied quickly.

      Lexa saw Clarke’s features darken slightly at the use of her moniker, so Lexa stepped slightly forward to divert attention onto herself.  “Please, you may have the space.  Fight well, little ones.”

      She felt rather than saw Clarke gesturing at the gathered crowd, understanding coming a moment too late when she saw wicked grins light up on each child’s face.  Before she knew what was happening, a dozen or so children were charging her, wooden swords at the ready, battle cries echoing across the flat ground.  Lexa stood her ground, whipping her head back once to glare playfully at Clarke as the first wave of children over ran her. She fought valiantly, dodging attacks here and there, but eventually, for their sakes, she fell dramatically to the ground, defeated.  She laughed, one of her first real laughs since being saved, as the kids piled on top of her and proclaimed their victory.  

      As she looked up through the pile of tangled limbs, she found Clarke laughing along with her, the sound just barely making it to her ears.  Lexa’s own laugh died in her throat as she took in the look of pure, carefree joy on the blonde’s face.  Clarke’s whole body shook with the sound, her eyes crinkled and tears of joy streaming down her face.  Lexa had never seen the blonde look so free, so unburdened as she did in that moment, sunlight lighting up her features and making her appear to glow.  Lexa was fairly certain her heart stopped, her mouth left hanging open, unable to tear her eyes away.  Clarke caught her eye and just shook her head, laughing all the harder at Lexa’s stunned expression.  

      The blonde stared back at Lexa with uncloaked affection, the care that Lexa found in those blue eyes heating her blood and igniting a fire in her stomach.  Lexa had not seen Clarke stare at her in that way since before the mountain, not since Lexa had kissed her all those months ago.  Lexa’s heart stuttered within her chest and she was certain that everyone around them could hear it.  She felt her face heat up again under the blonde’s unguarded gaze, thankful yet again that her features were already red so that her face would not betray what she was thinking and feeling.  Needing to break herself out of her trance and unabashed staring, she managed to push up off her back enough to yell out across the training area.

      “Goufas!” Lexa bellowed, the squirming pile on top of her freezing in place.  “Zog raun Klark!”

      This time it was Lexa’s turn to smile wickedly as the blonde froze mid laugh, realizing what Lexa had said.  The blonde also tried to put up a good fight, but she was eventually bested by the sheer number of attacking children.  Their attention appropriately diverted, Lexa was able to stand and brush herself off, sand sticking to her sweaty skin despite how she swept her hands over herself.  She laughed as Clarke yelled and managed to stand with at least four kids hanging off of her.  Seeing Lexa had regained her feet, a small contingent of children broke from Clarke’s group and ran back over to Lexa.  Before they could attack her again, though, she quietly filled them in on a secret plan, which they nodded along with enthusiastically.  At her word, one of them ran off to Clarke and scampered like a squirrel up the blonde’s back until he was firmly seated on her shoulders.  Lexa helped one of her own little warriors onto her shoulders and handed the little girl her wooden sword.  

      Clarke, having realized what was happening, was quietly mentoring her warrior, all play gone from her features.  Lexa looked up at her own warrior, the little girl nodding enthusiastically that she was ready for the impending battle.  Lexa gave her leg a reassuring squeeze and they faced their enemy.  Not only did Lexa have to worry about her warrior fighting Clarke’s, she had to worry about Clarke herself.  The blonde had taken it upon herself to try and trip the brunette up whenever she could.

      After the third near fall, Lexa grinned at the blonde and teased, “You know, one could consider your tactics cheating, Clarke.”

      “No way!” The blonde yelled back as she pushed the brunette back slightly, wooden swords clashing over head.  “You just don’t like that we’re better at this than you!”

      “Clarke, I am the Commander.  I’m the best,” Lexa said cockily.  “My warrior will not fail me, nor will my feet.”

      “We’ll see about that!” Clarke yelled as she stuck her foot into Lexa’s path once more.  

      Anticipating the move, Lexa easily dodged as the child on her shoulders squealed in delight at the pivot.  Lexa couldn’t contain her own smile at the sound, nothing more innocent then a child’s laughter.  After dodging a few more attacks, both from Clarke and the little boy, Lexa decided it was time to end the fight once and for all.

      “Goufas!” she called to the children who were seated around and watching their battle, “Jomp em op!”

      Clarke backed away, incredulity coloring her features.  “Cheater!  That’s cheating!” she yelled as she turned to face the rush of children.  “Argh!”

      “No Clarke, that’s called winning!” Lexa called back, laughing as the blonde pretended to fall under the wooden blades.  

      She lifted her little warrior off her shoulders and grasped her forearm before sending her off into the pile of children currently burying Clarke.  She could hear Clarke laughing at the bottom of the pile and was thrilled to have found something that not only Clarke could find joy in, but her as well.  Lexa felt more at peace with herself in this moment than she had in a very, very long time.  She could tell as Clarke stood and dusted herself off that she felt the same way.  She studied the blonde, marveling at the way she appeared to be closer to her old self, to the girl that Lexa had first met.  Lexa hoped that Clarke could find a way to stay at peace, loving the smile that now seemed a permanent fixture on the blonde’s face.  Lexa knew for a fact that this was the first instance where Clarke had allowed herself to be happy, to even genuinely smile, and she made a promise to herself that she would do whatever it took to keep Clarke happy in the future.

      She watched as the mentors, who had been watching in silent amusement up to this point, now turned serious as they gathered the children back together to finish out their training.  Clarke and Lexa took that as their cue to clear the open training area, Clarke retrieving both swords before following Lexa to the outside of the training area.  

      “I don’t know about you, but I am starving,” Lexa stated as she moved to retrieve the plate of food she’d been given earlier.

      The audible grumble of Clarke’s stomach at the mention of food betrayed her before she could speak, the blonde smiling in embarrassment.  “I guess I am too!”

      They sat and watched as the children trained, eating and laughing at the exaggerated way some of them fought.  Part of Lexa hated seeing kids so young having to learn to fight, to kill their enemies.  Most of the kids before her were not much older than her when she had begun her training, the oldest of the group only appeared to be seven to eight years old.  The other side of Lexa knew that they did not live in a world where they’d could afford to trust that the person next to them would not kill them; where they wouldn’t have to worry about how to hold a sword or throw a knife; where survival wasn’t just a concept, but a way of life.  She understood that if they were to truly survive, this training was necessary and would only benefit them in the end. 

      “Hey, you ok?”  Lexa looked up to see Clarke’s eyes filled with concern, the blonde’s hand moving to sit on Lexa’s knee.   

      “Yes, just…I hate that these children have to train to fight and can not properly enjoy their childhood,” Lexa replied, sadness seeping into her words.

      Clarke squeezed her knee reassuringly, catching her eye.  “You know this is in their best interest.  Especially with what’s coming.”

      Lexa nodded, looking back at the sparring kids.  “I know, but that does not mean I have to like it.  As their Commander, it is my duty to protect them.”

      Lexa had never doubted herself, not in all the years that she had been Commander.  Sitting with Clarke now and thinking about the insurmountable odds stacked against them, Lexa felt self-doubt overwhelming her.  Too many odds were stacked against them and with multiple clans turning to support Azgeda each day, it was becoming less and less likely that she would ever be able to fight her way back.  She and Clarke had been pouring over their maps and models, just trying to conceptualize some way to combat the ever growing Azgedan forces.  So far, they were drawing blanks and it was becoming increasingly frustrating each day.

      “Lexa, I can hear you thinking all the way over here,” Clarke teased.

      When Lexa remained silent, still staring at the ground before her, Clarke squeezed her knee again.

      “Hey,” the blonde said quietly, her face turning serious. “We can do this.  She isn’t going to get away with any of this.”

      Lexa just nodded, mind still moving a thousand miles a minute as she tried to figure out some way, any way, to convince herself that Clarke was right.  

      “What if I can’t…,” Lexa stopped, trying to gather herself, to keep her voice from cracking as her emotions raged.  “What if I can’t do this?  What if I can’t protect them?”

      “You can, and you will,” Clarke reassured.  “Besides, you’ve got me and a ton of other people behind you.  You’re already changing people’s minds just by being here.  I see it everyday.”

      “Perhaps,” Lexa agreed reluctantly.

      “Lexa, look at me.”  Clarke’s hand moved to grasp Lexa’s hands as they sat clasped in her lap.  Once the blonde had the brunette’s undivided attention, Clarke squeezed them.  “You are the strongest person that I have ever met.  Though you try to hide your emotions behind that mask of yours, I see how much you truly care for every one of your people.  You are not alone in this.  You have me and Luna, and all her people.  Plus, whoever the others manage to bring back.  We will do this, we will make Nia and Cage pay.  Together.”

      Lexa studied Clarke’s face, finding nothing but determination burning behind her blue eyes.  Lexa felt instantly reassured as she looked at Clarke, the feelings of self-doubt dissipating quickly as Clarke began rubbing soothing circles with her thumb into the back of the brunette’s hand.  Lexa took a deep breath and nodded.  

      “Together,” Lexa conceded. 

      They sat in companionable silence for a few moments, Lexa allowing herself to enjoy the simple feeling of Clarke’s thumb running over her hand.  For the first time since waking up from her drugged Reaper state, Lexa allowed herself to think of something other than Cage and Nia and all the worries that had been plaguing her for weeks.  She allowed herself to simply exist in the moment with Clarke, each swipe of the blonde’s thumb relaxing her further.  She glanced at Clarke, wondering if the blonde had any idea the effect she had on her, marveling at the look of peaceful joy on the blonde’s face as Clarke watched the kids training in front of them.  She was relieved to see Clarke finally finding her way back to herself, happy the blonde appeared to have found some semblance of peace as well.  

      Their moment was broken when a loud cry echoed across the sand, pulling Lexa’s gaze from Clarke.  She spotted a little boy on the other side of the training area sitting on the ground, wooden sword thrown aside.  Lexa could just barely see blood beginning to run from a scrape on his leg.  Before she could process, Clarke was already moving to tend to the boy.  Lexa watched as Clarke knelt down to the boys level, speaking in gentle tones to him.  After a moment, the boy had stopped crying and both he and Clarke were laughing again.  Lexa watched as Clarke hoisted the child up and onto her hip, the movement so fluid and natural, as though it was second nature to the blonde.  Lexa caught herself smiling as Clarke began tickling the boy, who was shrieking with laughter.  

      “She’s a natural, huh?” Luna’s voice startled Lexa with its proximity, the brunette turning to face the woman.

      “Yes,” Lexa agreed quietly, turning back to watch Clarke.  “She is.”

      Luna took Clarke’s place next to Lexa, also watching Clarke.

      “I was watching you two earlier,” the red head revealed.  

      Lexa simply quirked an eyebrow in a silent question.

      “When you two were fighting, then with the kids,” Luna explained.  “They love you.”

      Lexa scoffed quietly, “Kids don’t know any better.”

      “Her too,” Luna said gesturing at Clarke as the blonde tended to the boys scrape.

      This time, Lexa couldn’t hold back her derision laden chuckle.  “I think that you need your eyes checked, Luna.  You really are getting old.”

      “Hey!” Luna chuckled, shoving Lexa playfully.  “I’m only a few summers older than you.”

      “It shows,” Lexa teased back, earning a laugh from the red head and another shove.

      “Careful, or it will be me you face next on this sand,” Luna threatened playfully.

      “I accept that challenge,” Lexa shot back.

      “Once this is over, perhaps,” Luna agreed.

      Silence fell over the two friends as they watched the scene before them, Lexa focused on Clarke, Luna watching over her villagers.

      “She does care,” Luna insisted.  “As do you.”

      “Luna-,” Lexa began, but stopped when the older girl held up her hand.

      “Don’t even try, Lex,” Luna said pointedly, using Lexa’s name in a way that only she and Anya had ever gotten away with.  “Maybe you two can’t see it, but it’s plain as day to the rest of us.  When you move, she moves.  When she moves, you move.  It’s like you revolve around each other, the way the sun revolves around the earth.  Anyone can see that you are good for each other.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so much, not even with Costia.”

      “Costia was good for me,” Lexa argued, feeling the need to defend her past love.

      “She was,” Luna agreed easily. “She was an amazing person, but Clarke is different.”

      “Clarke is special,” Lexa supplied.

      “Yes,” Luna nodded, “she is.”

      “Like Anya was special to you,” Lexa quietly remarked.

      Luna simply nodded, her expression unreadable as she watched the children in front of her.

      “I never had the chance to apologize for not getting her home to you,” Lexa murmured.

      “You never need to.  We both understood what our lives demanded of us,” Luna assured.  “She died well, just as she would have preferred.  Death is not the end and I know I will see her again some day.”

      Silence fell over them once again, Lexa sitting up slightly straighter as she noticed Clarke walking back towards them.  She caught Luna’s knowing smirk out of the corner of her eye as she did so.

      “Shut up,” Lexa muttered, pink tinging her cheeks.

      “Whatever you say, _Heda_ ,” Luna chuckled as she stood to leave.  “Don’t mess this up, Lex.”

      Lexa sighed in exasperation as she watched Clarke and Luna exchange greetings as they passed each other.

      “By the way, you both stink.  You should do something about that,” Luna threw over her shoulder with a wink, laughing loudly as she saw Lexa’s cheeks burn red in response.

      “What was that about?” Clarke asked as she sat down next to Lexa once more, her shoulder brushing the brunette’s.

      “Nothing of importance,” Lexa grunted, trying to hide her embarrassment and the effect Clarke’s proximity had on her.

      Clarke stared at the brunette, eyes narrowed, having never seen Lexa look quite so flustered.  

      “Mhm,” Clarke replied suspiciously.  

      “She is right though, we do smell atrocious,” Lexa pointed out, standing swiftly.  “I’ll meet you back at the hut in an hours time?”

      Clarke nodded in agreement, confused at Lexa’s sudden shift in demeanor.  “Sure…”

      They parted ways, Lexa headed back in the direction of the village while Clarke set out to bathe in the cool waters of the nearby river.  

      “That was weird,” Clarke muttered to herself as she walked.

 

 **XXX**  

 

      Clarke lost track of time as she allowed the cool water to soothe the aches in her body and wash away all the dirt of the mornings activities.  Now that she had nothing to distract her, the soreness in her still healing shoulder was making itself quite apparent.  She absentmindedly rubbed the wound as she floated, trying to massage some of the pain away.  As she let the water carry her, she allowed her mind wander to thoughts of Lexa.  She’d never seen Lexa doubt herself, ever.  She knew that Lexa’s time as a Reaper was affecting her more than she liked to admit, likely leading to this new found doubt Clarke had witnessed.  She knew that people in the village still whispered about their fallen leader, about how she had been turned into a monster and slaughtered her own people.  

      Clarke could only hope that their interactions with the children this morning would sway some of those people into seeing that Lexa was her old self, as determined as ever to make things right.  Clarke smiled as the image of Lexa’s laughing face played across her eyelids.  She’d never seen the brunette look so happy and radiant, the sound of Lexa’s gentle laugh replaying in her head.  Clarke was sure she’d never grow tired of the sight or the sound of either.  She wasn’t sure when it had happened, but she had found herself laughing right along with Lexa.  Clarke had been sure up until that point that she would never be capable of laughter ever again, but Lexa had managed to find a way of bringing it out of her.  In those moments, Clarke felt almost normal again, and she knew that Lexa felt the same just by looking at the brunette.  Somehow, with the help of each other, they’d found a piece of their old selves.  Clarke hoped that they would be able to continue to do so in the future, until each of them were whole once more.

      Clarke didn’t necessarily wish to go back to who she was prior to the events at the mountain; many of those choices had shaped both the good and bad in her now.  However, she did hope that at some point, she would be able to find the peace of mind that had eluded her in recent months.  While fighting with Lexa and playing with the children, Clarke had been able to forget the burnt and mangled bodies of the children that she had killed on the mountain that night.  It had been a welcome relief that she didn’t even realize she had needed.  She had been content to stew in her grief and guilt, likely the rest of her life.  Lexa had a way of making her feel as though it was alright to be happy, as though she deserved a better quality of life that didn’t include her constantly punishing herself for her choices.  Life was too short to dwell in the past, that much she had learned from the brunette.

      She laughed out loud as Lexa’s look of betrayal at the rush of children filled her mind next.  Clarke loved kids, always finding the way they innocently perceived the world refreshing and inspiring.  She had needed the break from worrying about Nia and the Azgedans, and she was glad that she and Lexa had both found something they could enjoy together.  The only thing she worried about now was Lexa’s abrupt change of attitude when Clarke had returned from tending to little Mak’s scraped knee.  She thought she’d seen embarrassment coloring Lexa’s cheeks when Luna had been talking to her, but Lexa had left so abruptly, Clarke couldn’t be sure.  She made a mental note to bring it up to Lexa later.

      Sighing, Clarke knew she had to finish up washing herself so that they could get back to strategizing.  Her pulse quickened at the thought of being around Lexa again, and she smiled slightly at the feeling.  She didn’t know when that had started, but she was more than ok with it.  Lexa had ever so slightly been showing Clarke pieces of the girl that hid behind the Commander’s mask, and Clarke liked each piece more than the last, which she hadn’t known was possible.  Climbing out of the river and drying off quickly, Clarke felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise a little, causing her to pause momentarily in her movements.  She glanced around at the surrounding forest, trying to locate the source of her sudden unease.  Finding nothing, she dressed quickly, trying to remain calm when she realized the forest around her was utterly silent.  Not a single bird chirped and even the constant breeze that blew through the trees was nonexistent.  Clarke could feel someone watching her and tried to act as natural as possible, not wanting to tip said person off.

      After dressing, she gathered her sword and wet towel, turning to start back to the village.   She took a few steps before swiftly changing direction and ducking behind a large tree, waiting for whoever had been watching her make their presence known.  The minutes dragged on and Clarke was beginning to think she was being paranoid when she heard the quiet crunch of leaves resonate from the other side of the tree.  She held her breath in anticipation, silently drawing out her sword as she waited for the individual to come around the tree.  Every muscle in her body was tensed, waiting to attack.  Her blood rushed in her ears and she was certain the other person would be able to hear her heart as it tried to beat out of her chest.

      Suddenly, a wild boar ambled past in front of her, paying her no mind as it went along with it’s business.  Clarke stared at it open-mouthed for a moment before letting out a laugh at how utterly paranoid she had been.  She quickly sheathed her sword, shaking her head at herself and moved out from behind the tree to continue back to the village.  She made it two steps when she felt the air around her move.  She tried to turn, but was too slow, a metal blade slicing through her shirt and into her shoulder.  The wound was shallow, but still stung more than she cared to admit.  She grunted as she spun away, drawing her sword once more as she did so.  Dropping into a defensive stance, she barely had time to plant her feet before a blur of blue and silver was on her, striking at her viciously with their sword.  Already sore and exhausted from her training session earlier, Clarke labored to block each attack, each strike driving her back slightly.  

      Grunting, she saw an opening and shoved her attacker away from her, creating space as she tried to catch her breath.  The man gave her no quarter, however, and was back on her in moments, attacking once more.  Knowing her shoulder would not last much longer, Clarke knew she had to do something.  She took a few more steps back, her back now against a broken tree branch.  She felt the splintered wood digging into her back, breaking her skin slightly with the mans next attack.  Thinking quickly, Clarke dropped her sword to her side, opening herself up for an attack.  The man was startled for a moment, but quickly took the opportunity, rushing the blonde.  Clarke waited until the last second, the Azgedan’s blade glancing off her already cut shoulder once more as she quickly sidestepped.  She winced at the sickening squelch as the man was impaled on the splintered wood, his final yelp silenced by death.  

      Breathing hard, Clarke turned to see blue and silver moving quickly through the forest toward her.  There had to be at least ten warriors before her.  Quickly searching the warrior she’d killed, she located a couple vials of what she assumed was an antidote.  The  fresh cuts she now bore were beginning to burn in a truly unpleasant way and Clarke knew the warriors sword must have been coated in poison.  Opening one of the vials, she gulped it down in one go, scrunching her face up in disgust at the taste.

      “Azgedans and their damn poisons.  I’m getting sick of this,” she muttered to herself as she turned to run back to the village and warn the others of the impending attack.  She only hoped she would make it in time.

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa was pouring over maps once more when she heard a commotion outside the hut.  She grabbed her sword and slung it over her back as she moved to swiftly exit the hut.  Her eyes took a moment to adjust from the dark to the sunlight, but when they did, she saw Clarke locked in a sword fight with what appeared to be an Azgedan warrior.  As she watched, Clarke swiftly and expertly dispatched the woman, leaving her to bleed out on the ground.  Lexa drew her sword and ran over to the blonde whose chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath.  Lexa noticed blood running down from a couple cuts on Clarke’s shoulder, the wounds instantly enraging the brunette.

      “Clarke, what happened?” she questioned angrily.

      “Azgeda…in the…woods,” Clarke panted.  “Under…attack.”

      Before Lexa could process the words, two more Azgedans appeared and Lexa stepped in front of Clarke as they attacked.  They fought with skill, but Lexa had skill and anger on her side, quickly bringing both of them down.  She grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her back towards the center of the village.

      “I didn’t see how many there were,” Clarke said as they ran.  “At least ten that I saw, but likely more.  They’re already in the main square, Lexa.”

      At Clarke’s words, Lexa picked up her pace, the need to defend her people overwhelming her.  She was concerned about Clarke’s wounds, but she knew that she needed to focus on the battle at hand.  Clarke was still standing and talking to her, she would be fine.  The sight that greeted Lexa as she rounded the path to the square was one of utter destruction and bloodshed.  Bodies, both Azgedan and Boat Clan, lay crumpled on the ground before her.  Blood soaked into the sand beneath them and strangled cries of pain mixed with the sound of clashing swords filled the air.  Anger burned in her core, her hand tightening on the hilt of her sword as she looked at the sight before her.  She could hear the sounds of fighting, but couldn’t yet see where they were coming from.  She moved swiftly over the field of dead and dying before her, trying not to see the destruction that had been wrought, knowing she couldn’t afford to be distracted.

      She rounded a corner to see Luna embattled with three Azgedan warriors, her back against a now empty stall.

      “Luna!” she yelled as she ran to assist the red head.

      She was ferocious in her attacks, her mind clear of anything but anger and determination as she fought side by side with her friend.  Once she and Luna had both defeated their opponents, Lexa surveyed her surroundings, looking for more work to be done.  Her eyes fell on Clarke, who was locked in a particularly vicious looking fight with a female warrior twice her size.  Lexa’s breath caught in her throat as she watched the Azgedan’s sword come crashing down over Clarke’s head, the blonde’s injured shoulder buckling under the force of the blow.  Lexa began moving towards the blonde to help her, but hissed as a blade caught her arm from the side.  She turned to see a smiling warrior, moving in to attack once more.  She brought her sword up at the last moment, effectively blocking his attack.  As each of them pushed against the other, the man leaned in, still smiling.

      “Nia will reward me handsomely for bringing her your head,” he sneered.

      “Oh yeah?” Lexa questioned.  “I wonder what she’ll give us for yours.”

      Confusion passed over the mans face before the blank stare of death took its place as his head fell to the ground, quickly followed by his body.  Lexa nodded her thanks to Luna who stood behind where the warrior had been.  Her sword dripped with his blood and she was smiling.  Lexa’s head whipped around as she heard a cry come from where she had last seen Clarke fighting.  She watched in horror as Clarke crumpled backwards into one of the deep troughs the merchants used to keep their fresh fish in.  The Azgedan warrior crumpled on top of the blonde, forcing her head under the water.

      “NO!” Lexa bellowed as she moved quickly to the blonde.  “Clarke!”

      Another Azgedan appeared quickly, trying to step into her path, but he was tackled by Luna, the surprise on his face the only opening Luna needed to slit his throat.

      Lexa ran to the basin quickly, looking for any sign that the blonde was still alive, but finding none.

      “Clarke!” she yelled again.  “CLARKE!”

      Her voice was breaking in desperation and she knew she was allowing her emotions to get the better of her, but she couldn’t help herself in that moment.  Clarke was down, Clarke wasn’t moving, Clarke could be… She shook her head, not allowing her mind to even entertain the thought that Clarke could be dead.  She struggled to move the heavy Azgedan warrior, just trying to get Clarke’s head above water. 

      “Help me!” she yelled to Luna, who had just finished off what looked like the last Azgedan.  

      Luna quickly moved to Lexa’s side and with their combined help, they were finally able to roll the sizable woman off Clarke.  Without the weight of the warrior on top of her, the blonde floated to the top, her eyes closed and face and chest smeared with blood.  Lexa pulled her from the trough, not caring that water was going everywhere.  She gently laid Clarke on the ground and ran her hands over the blonde’s face, trying to wake her up.

      “She’s not breathing!” Lexa realized as she noticed Clarke’s chest was void of it’s usual up and down movement.

      “Move!” Luna commanded, pushing Lexa out of the way.

      Lexa watched as Luna placed two fingers on Clarke’s pulse point in her neck, checking for a heartbeat and failing to find one.  Luna then bent over Clarke’s face and tilted her head, looking and listening intently for a few moments before kneeling over Clarke’s chest and locking her hands together.  She began pumping violently on Clarke’s chest, the motion jolting Clarke’s entire body.

      “What are you doing?!”  Lexa exclaimed, panicked.

      “Do as I say, when I say, Lex,” was Luna’s only reply as she continued her pumping motions.  “Tilt her head back and open her mouth.  When I tell you to, I want you to pinch her nose shut and cover her lips with your own.  You’re going to give her two short breaths, do you understand?”

      Lexa nodded her understanding, moving Clarke’s head the way that Luna had indicated.  She watched Clarke’s body jolt helplessly back and forth with each thrust, wincing when she was sure she heard a rib break.  Suddenly, Luna stopped her motion.

      “Now!  Breathe now, Lex,” she commanded.

      Lexa bent down and did as she was told, watching Clarke’s chest rise with each breath.  When Clarke still didn’t breath on her own, Luna went back to pumping on the blonde’s chest.  They went through the routine a couple more times, each time Lexa losing more and more hope when Clarke refused to wake up and breathe on her own.

      “Luna…,” she said weakly, “Please…”

      “Again, Lex,” Luna replied as she finished another round of compressions.  “She’s not dying today.”

      Lexa delivered two more breaths, this time hearing a distinctive gurgling as she finished the second breath.  Suddenly, Clarke was spitting out water, her whole body shaking with the force of her lungs trying to expel the liquid.  Luna quickly rolled Clarke to her side, the blonde instinctively curling herself into a ball as she dissolved into a violent coughing fit.  Lexa looked at Luna, her gratitude and relief clearly reflected in her features.  Luna gave her a simple nod as she smiled.  Finally, after a couple minutes, Lexa heard Clarke take in a few ragged and shaky breaths.  The blonde slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, Lexa helping her.  When her eyes found the brunettes, relief shone on both girls faces.

      “Well that sucked,” Clarke rasped.

      Luna laughed loudly, slapping Clarke on the back.  

      “That was a close one, Clarke,” she said.  “I think both Lex and I would appreciate it if you never do that again.”

      “I know I would,” Clarke replied, still looking at Lexa.

      The brunette was stoic, her mask in place, but Clarke hadn’t missed the fear that had clearly been there only moments ago.  She moved to stand, wincing at the pain in her chest from where Luna had been doing compressions.  

      “Thank-you,” Clarke grimaced as she rubbed the sore spot.

      Luna chuckled.  “Anytime.  Don’t know what would have happened to me if I’d let you die,” she said gesturing to a still stoic Lexa.

      Clarke glanced at the brunette, concern taking the place of pain as she took in the emotionless and guarded features Lexa now wore.  It was something Clarke hadn’t seen in quite a while.  Clarke moved to grab Lexa’s hand, but the brunette stepped back before she could.  Lexa didn’t miss the flash of hurt on Clarke’s face at the movement.

      “We should check on our people,” Lexa informed both women.

      “Indeed,” Luna agreed, flashing an indecipherable look at Lexa.  

      When Lexa merely shook her head once, Luna huffed and rolled her eyes, moving off to attend to her people. 

      “Lexa-,” Clarke began.

      “Later, Clarke,” Lexa said coldly, cutting the blonde off.  “These people need our help.”

      Clarke didn’t mask the hurt this time and Lexa nearly crumbled there and then, but she knew she had to help the people who had been injured and killed in the name of protecting them.  Lexa knew that if she touched Clarke, if she continued to stare into those gentle and caring eyes, she would fall apart completely.  So instead, she turned and began attending to the injured.  When she glanced back up, she saw Clarke at the other end of the square, bent over one of the villagers.  After helping quite a few people over to a makeshift infirmary the remaining villagers had put up in the square, Lexa came across the same older couple that had been so kind to her that morning.  She nearly broke down as she saw the man who had approached her lying on the ground, clearly dead from a vicious wound to his stomach.  His companion was kneeling over his body, his shoulders shaking with silent tears as he held his dead lover’s lifeless hand.

      Lexa knelt down and placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked over at her with tear filled eyes.  Seeing it was her, he placed a hand over hers and squeezed.

      “I am so sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

      “As am I.  Desa fought bravely.  He saved me,” the man replied.

      “He was a true warrior.  He will be forever honored as one.  I will make sure of it,” Lexa promised.

      “Mochof, Heda,” came the mans quite response as he dissolved once more into tears.

      Lexa had no idea how long she stayed with the grieving man and Desa, her own sense of time skewed by the images of blood and death before her.  She was startled from her reverie when a man bent down on the other side of them with a white sheet in his hand.  He offered it to the man and he took it, reverently wrapping Desa up in it in preparation for the burning ritual.  Lexa helped him and together they moved Desa to the pyre that had been constructed on the beach for the dead.  All in all, their losses were not great, better than expected, but Lexa mourned for every lost soul.  

      As night fell, all the dead villagers were placed on the pyre and the Azgedans were thrown to the sea, their souls not cleansed by fire so that they could find peace.  Their actions ensured their souls would remain tortured for all eternity.  Lexa spoke to the gathered crowd, numb to her own words and emotions, her body on autopilot just to make it thorough.  She wasn’t sure what she’d said, but hoped that it did the dead justice.  She moved aside and watched as Luna spoke, her words muffled by the state of shock she now existed in.  She stood next to Desa’s mate as the ceremony progressed, her eyes focused solely on the dead before her.  She felt rather than saw Clarke behind her, but she couldn't bring herself to face the blonde, and after a while, she realized Clarke had disappeared.  

      “Yu gonplei ste odon,” filtered through the buzz that had taken up residence in her ears and then the pyre before her was ablaze.  

      No matter how many times she went through these ceremonies, Lexa would never be used to the feeling of loss, of emptiness that each death hollowed in her soul.  She briefly wondered how many more she would have to endure before she could no longer handle it.  She stared into the flames, shuddering at the thought that Clarke had almost become one of the bodies that now burned brightly before her.  She stayed until the pyre had turned to smoldering ash, seeing for the first time that she was the only other person besides Luna left on the beach.  She apologized quietly to Luna as she passed her, her words not nearly enough to convey her true remorse, but Luna seemed to understand.  Her feet took the familiar path back to the hut, her mind not registering the movement until she was pushing the door aside and entering the candlelit space.  She spotted Clarke sitting stiffly on her bed, the blonde staring off unseeingly at the wall in front of her.  Lexa moved to silently sit on her bed as well, her back to the blonde.  They sat in a pregnant silence for a long while, each too afraid to speak first.  Finally, Lexa heard Clarke sigh heavily, felt the blonde shift behind her, and tensed as she spoke.

      “I almost died today,” she said quietly, the simple words echoing in the rather empty space.

      Lexa remained silent, staring pointedly at the floor in front of her.

      “Lexa.  Look at me,” Clarke demanded.

      Lexa refused, knowing the moment she did, she would unravel.  She felt Clarke stand up behind her, and braced herself as Clarke knelt down in front of her.  Clarke placed both of her hands in Lexa’s squeezing them.

      “Lexa,” she began gently.  “Please, talk to me.  Don’t shut me out.”

      Lexa clenched her jaw and squeezed her eyes shut, fighting the rapidly swirling emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her.

      “ _Beja_ , Leksa.”

      The whispered plea was the final straw that broke through Lexa’s self-control and then she was moving, pulling Clarke’s face up to her own.  Lexa’s lips crashed into Clarke’s, moving hungrily as though she was trying to reassure herself that Clarke was here; that Clarke was real.  Clarke tensed in surprise at the sudden movement, her head trying to catch up with what was occurring.  She felt Lexa begin to pull back, reading Clarke’s hesitation as rejection, but then Clarke was leaning in, pushing her lips against the brunette’s, equally as hungry.  Their lips moved urgently against each others, both seeking to assure themselves that they were ok, that they were alive. 

      Clarke climbed onto Lexa’s lap, kneeling to straddle the brunette as she sought out more contact between their two bodies.  She tangled a hand in Lexa’s hair, the other one resting on Lexa’s waist.  She felt Lexa’s hands come to rest delicately on her hips, as though afraid to touch her.  Clarke could feel fire burning in her core, a familiar and welcome sensation.  She pulled Lexa into her further, their chests brushing against each other.  Finally, Lexa pulled back, brushing her nose across Clarke’s briefly before brushing her lips across Clarke’s a final time.  Lexa rested her forehead against the blonde’s as both girls worked to control their hearts, chests heaving.  It was then that Clarke realized her face was wet and saw the tears streaking silently down the brunette’s cheeks.

      She moved her hands to cup Lexa’s cheeks, her thumbs gently swiping the tears away as they fell.  Looking into Lexa’s green eyes, she saw the anguish and fear that dwelled in them as Lexa brought down all her walls for Clarke.  Everything the brunette had been forced to endure the last few months was laid bare for Clarke, the brunette making herself completely vulnerable in that moment.  Clarke’s breath caught in her chest as she took in the emotions, Lexa’s complete trust in her making her heart stutter.  

      “It’s ok,” she soothed, stroking Lexa’s face.  “I’m here, I’m ok.”

      “But you almost weren’t,” Lexa managed to choke out, a strangled sob rising in her throat.  “I couldn’t bear it if anything ever-,”

      “Shh,” the blonde whispered, pressing her lips to Lexa’s briefly.  “Nothing is going to happen to me, I promise.”

      Lexa let out a shaky laugh, “You can not promise things like that.  That is not how life works, Clarke.”

      “It is if I say it is,” Clarke countered, chuckling.

      “People died for me today,” Lexa murmured quietly as she pulled away slightly to look at Clarke more fully.  “ _You_ died today.”

      “Technically, yes,” Clarke agreed, “You and Luna saved me though.”

      “Luna saved you,” Lexa argued.  “I panicked.  I let my feelings for you over run me when I thought I’d lost you.”

      “Your feelings for me?” Clarke questioned, quirking an eyebrow.

      “I think I’ve made that fairly obvious now, Clarke,” Lexa replied sarcastically, smiling.

      Clarke merely pressed their lips together once more in response, humming in agreement, and she could feel Lexa’s smile widen against her lips.  

      “I’m sorry that all of this happened today, I know you felt each of those losses deeply,” Clarke said running her thumbs along the line of Lexa’s jaw.  

      Lexa glanced down, her hands playing with the hem of Clarke’s shirt.

      “It was senseless,” she admitted quietly.  “Everywhere I go, everything I touch…it dies.”

      “Lexa, none of this is your fault,” Clarke replied, tilting Lexa’s chin up with her finger so the brunette was looking at her once more.  “Do not place their deaths on your shoulders when they belong on Nia’s”

      “They are my people, Clarke.  Every one of them is my responsibility,” Lexa argued.  “You would feel the same about your people.”

      Clarke merely nodded in confirmation, bringing her hands to rest on Lexa’s hips.  She watched as Lexa frowned at her.

      “What?” Clarke asked curiously.

      “How deep are those wounds?” Lexa asked, bringing a hand up to pull aside the top of Clarke’s shirt so that she could see the cuts better.

      “They’re not bad and I already took the antidote for the poison,” Clarke reassured her.

      “Poison?  Again?” Lexa asked incredulously.

      “I know!  My exact thought as well!” Clarke exclaimed.

      “At least let me clean them out and bandage them properly so they don’t become infected,” Lexa said.  

      Clarke agreed, shifting off the brunette so Lexa could get up and gather the necessary supplies.  She immediately missed the comfort that the contact from Lexa’s body had offered her.  She watched as Lexa poured water in a bowl and picked up a few strips of cloth.  When the brunette sat back down next to the blonde, they both stared at each other, both having realized the same thing.  Clarke was going to need to take her shirt off for Lexa to effectively be able to clean the cuts.  Clarke swallowed before moving to pull her shirt off, wincing as her cracked ribs protested and her already wounded shoulder ached in pain.  She paused when she felt hands cover her own gently halting her motion.

      “Allow me,” Lexa murmured.

      Clarke pulled her arms from her shirt as Lexa finished removing the garment, setting it down behind the blonde.  The warm air danced across her bare skin, the bindings across her chest the only piece of clothing left to cover her.  Clarke shivered as Lexa’s soft fingers danced across her shoulder, gently exploring the wounds.  She could feel her face growing hot with embarrassment as her mind wandered to thoughts of what else those fingers were capable of.  She quickly swallowed and tried to calm her rising heart rate.  Lexa’s brows were furrowed in concentration as she examined each cut in turn and she didn’t seem to have noticed Clarke’s sudden flush.

      “You were right, they’re not very deep,” Lexa confirmed.

      “I got lucky,” Clarke replied.

      Lexa gently scrubbed the dirt and soot out of each cut before covering them loosely in pieces of cloth.  Once that task was finished, she hesitated before her fingers moved to trace the bruise that was blossoming on Clarke’s breastbone.  Clarke watched the emotions parade across Lexa’s face; pity, sorrow, anger, guilt.  She reached up and grabbed the brunette’s hand, moving it to cover her heart, which was still beating erratically.

      “This,” she said huskily, “this is what matters.”

      Lexa merely brought her other hand up and placed it on the back of Clarke’s neck, pulling the blonde’s face to her own.  The kiss was gentle, a question really, as if Lexa were trying to make sure that Clarke truly wanted this.  Clarke responded by gently pushing the brunette back, laying her down on the bed and straddling her once more, never breaking the kiss.  Clarke felt Lexa’s tongue run across her bottom lip, seeking entrance, which Clarke eagerly granted.  Lexa deepened the kiss without hesitation, one hand still pressed against the back of Clarke’s neck, the other coming to rest on Clarke’s exposed side.  Lexa shivered at the feel of Clarke’s warm and soft skin against her hand as she trailed her fingers up and down Clarke’s side.

      Clarke’s own hands were busy, her left arm braced next to Lexa’s head on her elbow as she tried to keep her weight off the brunette.  Her right hand was splayed across Lexa’s stomach, slowly mapping the muscles there and marveling at the feeling of Lexa’s warm, smooth skin.  She felt Lexa tense beneath her and then gasped as the brunette quickly and efficiently flipped her over, moving to cover the blonde’s body with her own.  Lexa placed kisses across Clarke’s jawline, trailing down her neck and only pausing to suck on the blonde’s pulse points.  Clarke arched into Lexa, tilting her head back to allow the brunette better access, Lexa smiling slightly as she reached the juncture where Clarke’s neck and shoulder met.  Clarke’s hands tangled in her hair, pulling her closer with each press of her lips.  She brushed her lips across Clarke’s collarbone, careful to avoid the new wounds before leaning down to press a kiss over the blonde’s heart.  She grinned when she felt it pounding behind Clarke’s ribs.  She placed one chaste but lingering kiss over Clarke’s bruised breastbone before working her way back up to the blonde’s lips.

      She broke the kiss to stare down at the blonde, Clarke’s pupils blown wide with desire.  Lexa grinned as Clarke lifted her head to capture the brunette’s lips once more, pulling Lexa back down with her.  Lexa continued to revel in the feeling of the blonde’s body as it moved against her own, never imagining that Clarke could have reciprocated her feelings.  Despite the still urgent press of Clarke’s lips against her own, Lexa could feel the blonde growing tired.  Lexa pressed her lips to Clarke’s one final time before rolling off the blonde and laying next to her, both girls gasping for air.  Clarke reached down between their bodies and intertwined their hands, scooting so that their shoulders were touching.  

      “I wish I wasn’t so exhausted,” Clarke said breathlessly.

      Lexa chuckled, “It’s ok, Clarke.  I would wait for you forever.”

      “Well who knew you were such a sap!” Clarke exclaimed, laughing.

      Lexa merely rolled her eyes and smiled, sitting up and looking down at the blonde.  

      “It is true,” she said seriously.  “I will never pressure you into anything.  I want you to be sure.”

      Clarke sat up as well and placed her lips against Lexa’s.  

      “I’m sure,” she murmured against them as she kissed the brunette once more.

      Sighing, Lexa broke contact once more and leaned her forehead against Clarke’s.  “If you do not stop doing that, eventually I will run out of the will to stop.”

      “Maybe I don’t want you to,” Clarke murmured, her lips brushing across Lexa’s once more.

      Lexa chuckled but stood, pulling the blonde with her.  “Go get changed before you are too tired to do so,” Lexa said gently nudging the blonde away.

      She heard Clarke grumble something about “no fun”, but merely shook her head in amusement as she also moved to change out of her blood stained clothing.  The movements made her realize for the first time how sore she was and she wished she was back in Polis where she could soak in a hot bath to soothe the aches and pains.  She stretched her upper torso, trying to loosen the now tight muscles in her back and shoulders.  Sighing as she felt them relax ever so slightly, she turned to find Clarke already curled up in the center of the bed, the blondes eyes closed.  Smiling, Lexa studied the blonde’s features, slack with sleep.  Clarke looked so at peace, so relaxed, that Lexa hesitated to climb into the bed and risk waking her.  

      Instead, she watched Clarke sleeping for a few minutes, simply enjoying the peace that Clarke’s mere presence brought her.  She moved to sit on the edge of the joined beds, reaching out to run her hand through Clarke’s slightly tousled hair.  Clarke sighed contentedly in her sleep, shifting closer to Lexa unconsciously.  Lexa smiled softly at the girl before placing a kiss on her temple, standing to move outside.  Her body was still humming in elation at the turn of events her night had taken and she knew she would spend the next hour tossing and turning if she tried to lay down.  Once outside, she found herself walking to the beach, sitting down on the smooth sand.  The moonlight glinted off the dark water as it crashed on the shore, the sound soothing some of Lexa’s nerves.  Looking up, she spotted what she was looking for almost immediately, the star shining brighter than all the others.

      “Hey, Cos,” Lexa whispered.  “I have so much to tell you…”

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa spent close to an hour sitting on the beach, sometimes talking, sometimes simply watching the water as it inched closer and closer.  Finally, she felt exhaustion pulling at her limbs and she knew that she would be able to sleep.  Standing, she stretched once more, sighing as her muscles strained and then relaxed.  She trudged back up the beach and towards the hut, each step growing progressively heavier as she went.  When she entered the hut, it was to find Clarke in the same exact spot she’d left her, the blonde still fast asleep.  Lexa smiled fondly at her, extinguishing the few burning candles as she went.  Finally, she settled on her side of the bed, not wanting to crowd Clarke.    
 ****

      She listened to Clarke’s steady breathing, the gentle sound of it lulling her to sleep.  As her eyes were fluttering closed, she felt Clarke stir beside her.  Clarke mumbled something that she couldn’t quite make out, so she scooted closer, bringing her head toward the blondes.

      “What, Clarke?” Lexa asked quietly.

      Clarke was silent for a long minute and Lexa figured the blonde had fallen back to sleep.  Then, as she was settling back down, she heard Clarke’s words clearly.

      “I missed you,” the blonde mumbled.

      Lexa chuckled softly, “I was gone less than an hour.”

      “Still,” Clarke mumbled as she scooted closer, laying her head on Lexa’s chest and wrapping her arm around the brunette’s waist.  “I missed you.”

      Lexa smiled as she put her arm around Clarke’s back, pulling the girl closer.

      “I missed you too,” Lexa replied, placing a kiss on top of Clarke’s head before relaxing into sleep.

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. This update is slightly longer to make up for it. This one furthers the plot a slight bit and hopefully we'll be seeing Clarke and Lexa take their revenge on Cage and Nia within the next few chapters! Enjoy! ;)
> 
> Oh, and as always, thank-you so much for the kind words. Though I may not respond, I certainly read all of your comments and appreciate all the feedback y'all have provided me with. I hope you're enjoying this as much as I enjoy writing it. Probably only a few chapters left after this one, depending on where the story goes. I like the story to surprise even me and usually only work off a general concept, letting the details fall in place as they see fit.
> 
> All errors are my own.

      As she had nearly every morning since saving Lexa, Clarke was roused from sleep by the sudden movement of the brunette next to her.  As Clarke sleepily opened her eyes, it was to find Lexa facing her, the brunette’s face screwed up in anguish against whatever silent nightmare had chosen to plague her that morning.  Lexa mumbled unintelligible words, but the tone of voice was enough to tell Clarke that she was being tormented by whatever she was experiencing.  As Clarke blinked blearily, trying to fully wake herself, Lexa rolled over and away from Clarke, a nearly inaudible whimper making it to Clarke’s ears.  Clarke heard her breath hitch and could see the unsteady rise and fall of Lexa’s chest as she continued to writhe.  Refusing to allow the girl to suffer, Clarke instinctually pulled Lexa back against her chest.  Clarke threw an arm over Lexa’s waist, securing her in place as her other hand began to play through Lexa’s hair, her fingers gently working out the tangles that had manifested as the brunette had slept.  

      Lexa’s body initially stiffened against the unfamiliar touch, but soon relaxed as Clarke whispered soothing words in her ear.  Clarke felt the tension drain from Lexa’s body, the brunette settling almost instantly as she unconsciously shifted back into Clarke’s chest.  She felt Lexa’s breathing begin to even out to a steadier rhythm and continued her ministrations in the brunette’s hair while tightening her hold on her waist.  Clarke silently willed Lexa back into a peaceful slumber and heard her mumble a few more words in unintelligible Trigedasleng before she let out a long, content sigh.  Clarke waited until she was sure that Lexa had fallen back asleep before gently pulling her hand from the other girl’s hair.  

      Using her now free arm as a pillow, Clarke moved in closer and rested her face against the back of Lexa’s neck, breathing in Lexa’s familiar scent that she found so incredibly comforting.  Clarke wondered when she had allowed her walls to fall; when she had allowed Lexa, the girl she had at one time trusted the least, back through her defenses.  She had spent over three months running from her pain; running from her decisions; running from her ghosts; only to have them rush back the second she laid eyes on the source of them in that arena.   Until last night, she wasn’t sure that it would be worth it, wasn’t sure that she’d ever be able to trust Lexa with her heart ever again.  That was, until Lexa had trusted Clarke with hers first.  Clarke had never seen Lexa trust so completely until she’d knelt down in front of her last night.  Lexa had utterly surprised her when she’d kissed her, and Clarke had had no idea that the feel of the brunette’s lips against hers was the answer she had been searching for all along.  They were both broken, they were both haunted by the decisions they’d made in the past that still effected the present, they were both just struggling to survive in a world that had been deemed unsurvivable long ago.  Clarke had felt like a piece of her had been restored with the action, for once feeling close to whole.

      She studied Lexa as she slept, her features lax in sleep in a way that Clarke had never seen when the brunette was awake.  Clarke’s hand trailed down to the brunette’s bicep, where the bottom of the tattoo that was there peaked out from under her shirt sleeve.  She gently traced over its intricate lines absentmindedly, wondering how whoever had applied it had been able to garner so much detail.  Clarke’s hands itched for some type of medium and paper to capture the moment on paper, the inspiration to draw after months coming as a complete surprise to the blonde.  She longed to sketch the angled, strong slope of Lexa’s jaw, the way her hair just barely fell across her elegant cheekbones, the slight parting of her full lips as she snored quietly.  Lips that Clarke remembered moving hungrily against hers just a few hours ago.  

      “I can hear you thinking,” she heard the brunette mumble, her voice thick with sleep.

      Clarke laughed lightly, her hand moving back to run through Lexa’s hair once more.  “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

      “I don’t mind,” Lexa replied, pulling Clarke’s arm down so it was draped over her waist as she laced their fingers together.

      “Go back to sleep, it’s still early,” Clarke told her quietly, her breath tickling the back of Lexa’s neck.

      “We have too much to do,” Lexa argued even though Clarke could feel her relaxing once more.

      “Another hour won’t hurt,” Clarke replied, pulling the other girl against her and settling down. 

      A minute passed in silence and Clarke felt Lexa’s breathing even out once more, the girl clearly still exhausted from the previous days events.  Clarke smiled, more content and at peace than she had been since before her father had been floated.  She knew Lexa was responsible for that feeling, for the feeling of hope that now burned in her chest.  It grew brighter with each knowing smile, with each quiet and tender utterance of her name as it fell from Lexa’s lips in a tone reserved for only her ears, with each silent gesture from the brunette that said more than words ever could.  Clarke settled back into Lexa, letting herself relax into the girl who was unknowingly stealing her very soul.  Before long, Clarke too was asleep once more, a smile still on her face.

 

**XXX**

 

      When they woke next, it was to a louder than usual commotion coming from outside.  Both tensed and when their eyes found each others, they both knew the other was thinking the same thing.  _Azgeda_.  They quickly jumped out of bed and drew their swords as they burst from the hut to face whatever threat lay outside.  They both blinked against the bright sunlight, a stark contrast to the dark of the hut, and had to wait for their eyes to make the adjustment.  Once they had, both lowered their swords as they took in the sight before them.  Hundreds of people stood before them, groups dressed in their own distinctive garbs that represented each Clans heritage.  Clarke didn’t recognize anyone until she saw Indra and Lincoln pushing their way through the crowds toward them.  Both dropped to their knees in front of Lexa as they approached, giving their Heda her due respect before quickly rising once more.  Clarke was almost so distracted by the large group that she nearly missed the person quickly limping in her direction.

      “Raven!” she exclaimed as she recognized the olive skinned mechanic.

      “Griffin!  Wasn’t sure you were even still alive!” the girl exclaimed as she scooped Clarke up in a huge hug.

      Clarke stiffened at first, surprised by Raven’s uncharacteristic outpouring of affection, but then quickly encircled the other girl with her arms.  She glanced at Lexa and saw the faintest of smiles tugging at the corners of her mouth as she watched the interaction.  

      “Not that I mind, Reyes, but what gives?” Clarke asked as the mechanic still clung to her.  “I was pretty sure you of all people could care less that I’d left.”

      Raven finally released her and stepped back, her face full of grief and anger.  “A lot has happened since you left.”

      Clarke was going to ask her what she meant when she was quickly wrapped up in another set of arms.  She recognized the feel of them around her waist, an instant comfort falling over her that only a mother could provide their child.

      “Mom,” she mumbled, trying to hold her emotions at bay at the sudden appearance of Abby.

      “Clarke, my baby.  I have missed you so much.”  At the words, Abby hugged her tighter, as though afraid that if she let go, Clarke would disappear once more.  “I am so glad that you are alive.”

      “I’m alright mom,” Clarke said thickly as she hid her face in her mother’s neck.  “I’m glad you’re here.”

      They held onto each other for a long moment, Clarke struggling to keep her emotions in control.  She hadn’t known what to expect if she had ever gone back to her people, but it definitely hadn’t been the outpouring of love and relief that she was now receiving.  She wasn’t exactly sure how to process the information, not entirely sure she deserved their affection.  Clarke’s mind raced as she fought her silent internal battle before someone behind Abby cleared their throat.  Clarke looked up to find Bellamy watching her with an amused smile on his face.  

      “Princess,” he smirked, nodding in her direction.

      Unwilling to let her daughter go, Clarke had to settle with reaching a hand out to take Bellamy’s, squeezing it in her own as Abby continued to try and simultaneously squeeze the air from her lungs.  “It’s good to see you, Bell,” Clarke wheezed.

      Realizing her daughter wasn’t breathing, Abby finally released her and took a step back, settling for an arm around the blonde’s waist.  Clarke took a deep breath, one to draw air back into her deprived lungs, and two, in order to calm her still tumultuous emotions.  She caught Lexa’s eye as the brunette spoke with Lincoln and Indra a few feet from them.  Clarke could see the concern in Lexa’s features, the scrunch of her forehead silently asking the blonde if she was ok.  Clarke gave her the subtlest of nods to assure Lexa that she was fine and watched as the brunette’s features smoothed over and her attention was once again redirected to the warriors in front of her.  When she focused back on the group in front of her, she caught Abby’s inquisitive gaze studying her face.  

     “What?” Clarke asked curiously.

      Abby’s gaze flickered over to where Lexa was standing, her eyes hardening subtly as she watched the brunette.

      “Mom,” Clarke said, drawing Abby’s attention back to her.

      “You know, Octavia told me that she was here with you,” Abby began, gesturing at Lexa.  “I was so relieved to find out that you were alive.  Finding out you were with the one person who had literally driven you from me, from us, floored me.”

      “Mom…” Clarke started, but Abby held up a hand.

      “Clarke, she betrayed us.  We had a deal and she left us all to die!” Abby exclaimed quietly so the others would not overhear.  “How could you possibly stand to be around her?  How could you possibly trust her again?!”

      Clarke took a deep breath in, trying to control her own frustration.  “Please, mom, not now.”

      “Clarke,” Abby seethed, her anger rolling off her in waves.

      “I promise we will talk, but later, ok?” Clarke interrupted, squeezing the hand that still rested around her waist.  “We need to focus on more important things right now.”

      “We are not going to form another alliance with these people, regardless of what they think is best,” Abby snapped.  “We won’t make the same mistake twice only to be left for dead once more.”

      “Mom, this is the best option for everyone.  Just give me the chance to explain, ok?” Clarke pled.

      Abby stared at her daughter, taking in her weather hardened features, the slight tan she’d developed over months of being exposed to the harsh sun, and the clearly toned muscles now visible in her arms.  Clarke was not the same person who had left camp all those months ago.  Who she was now, Abby barely recognized, but she hadn’t decided if the changes were good or not.  She nodded her acceptance of Clarke’s words, squeezing her waist in reassurance. 

      “Thank-you,” Clarke murmured.  She cleared her throat and looked at the small group of her people, her family, before her.  “Give me a moment to change and we can talk, ok?  I promise I’ll be right out.”

      When Abby nodded and released her hold on her waist, Clarke quickly moved to the hut.  Once inside, she leaned her weight on the makeshift war table they’d set up, her hands gripping the edges until her knuckles were white.  She was barely inside a moment when she heard the door push open once more.  She glanced up to see Lexa walking towards her, the concern back on her face as the brunette took in Clarke’s clearly distraught posture.  Clarke quickly looked back at the table in front of her, trying to maintain her composure.

      “Clarke.” 

      Her name fell quietly into the space between them, the only thing that Clarke needed to hear to know that Lexa understood without words; that Lexa didn’t need Clarke to explain how overwhelmed she was by the fact that her people had not only shown up, but that they had welcomed the sight of her with open arms.  None had questioned where she had been, though she knew that would come later.  They had just been relieved to see her, and Clarke had not known how much she had missed them until her own arms were wrapped around them once more.  For the first time since she’d walked away from camp without a so much as a glance back, Clarke felt guilty for leaving, for running from her problems as her mother’s words replayed in her mind.  She sighed as she closed her eyes against the onslaught of emotions that had surprised her in their intensity.  She felt Lexa’s hand tentatively move over hers, slightly loosening her death grip on the table.

      “I’m ok,” Clarke said, swallowing.

      “I know,” Lexa replied quietly.

      “I’m just surprised they showed up,” Clarke said, referring to her people.  “I thought for sure they would swear off anything to do with Grounder issues, especially knowing you were here.”

      “They have missed you, it is not all that surprising,” Lexa said, removing her hand from Clarke’s face and moving to change.  “You would be reason enough for them to make the journey.”

      Clarke sighed and pushed away from the table as she moved to change.  “I guess.  I’ve just seen myself as such a monster since the Mountain, I expect everyone else to as well.”

      Lexa walked over and stilled Clarke’s movements with a hand on her arm.  “Clarke, you are not a monster, nor have you ever been.  You did what was necessary to save your people.”

      Clarke simply nodded, her eyes focused on the clothing in front of her. 

      “You are a leader.  You made decisions with your head that protected those who own you heart.  Do not beat yourself up for that,”  Lexa said gently.  

      Clarke played with an errant strand on her shirt, knowing that if she met the brunette’s gaze, she would lose the tentative hold she had on her emotions. 

      “Your choices were a product of a situation that I put you in.  If they’re going to be upset with anyone, they should be upset with me,” Lexa reasoned.

      “I’m sure they probably are,” Clarke admitted, turning to face Lexa.  “Hopefully we can make them see reason before it’s too late.”

      “Hopefully,” Lexa echoed before moving off to change as well.

      Returning outside after they had changed, Lexa moved to find Luna and Indra, along with the other riders that had returned, while Clarke located Abby and Octavia.  They returned to the hut a few minutes later and gathered around the war table, Clarke thankful she had thought to push apart the beds that she and Lexa had been using when they had been changing.  She caught Lexa’s eye and could tell the brunette was thinking the same thing, a barely visible smirk playing on her lips.  Clarke wasn’t ashamed of her…whatever _it_ was…with Lexa, but now was not the time for questions when the focus needed to be on Nia.

      Clarke moved to stand by the brunette, who was at the head of the table, watching as each person also took a place around the table.  Clarke had not failed to notice the tension rolling off Abby as her mother watched Lexa shuffle maps out of the way on the table before her.  She caught her mothers gaze and gave her the subtlest shake of her head that indicated they would discuss the Grounder leader later.  Clarke’s attention was pulled when Indra stepped forward and cleared her throat.  Lexa looked at her general and nodded silently, indicating the woman had the floor.

      “Heda, what is left of Trikru has pledged their allegiance to you, as expected,” Indra began.  “A few of their leaders have also joined us here, though many have stayed in their villages, unwilling to lose their homes to Nia.”

      Lexa nodded once more and Indra stepped back a half step to indicate that she had nothing further to say.  

      Luna stepped forward as Indra stepped back, smiling widely.

      “You know we’ve got your back, Lex,” she affirmed before stepping back once more. 

      Clarke struggled to keep the smile off her face at Luna’s antics, her respect for the leader growing each day.  She was glad Lexa still had her in her life.  A few other generals stepped to the table and their stories were much the same as Indra and Luna’s, all pledging their Clan’s allegiance to Lexa.  Finally, Abby also stepped forward fidgeting nervously as she avoided both Lexa and Clarke’s eyes.

      “Nia has not proven to be a common enemy for both of us,” Abby began. 

      Clarke’s eyes snapped to her mother’s form, curiosity apparent in her features as she wondered what Abby meant.

      “I am not stupid enough to put my trust in you or any allegiance you plan to offer,” Abby finished bitterly, anger flashing in her eyes.

      Lexa shifted to stand straighter as her chin came up in a defiant gesture that Clarke recognized as stubbornness in the brunette.  Clarke knew that Lexa would never force Skaikru to join them, but their help would turn the tides more in their favor.  She could tell Lexa wasn’t going to give up that easily and was merely taking a moment to consider her next words.  Clarke, having expected Abby’s reaction, opened her mouth to argue, but Abby held up her hand and silenced Clarke once more.

      “Nia has offered us an alliance of her own.  One that would afford us protection throughout the transition of power and supplies to last the harsh winter,” Abby revealed. 

      Clarke felt her mouth drop at the words, not having expected them, and saw Lexa’s jaw visibly clench.  The generals from the other clans began to murmur quietly amongst themselves, the shock evident in their tones.  Clarke’s head was reeling and she could see Lexa’s jaw working back and forth and the brunette’s nostrils flared, the only indications that Abby’s revelation had any effect.  Clarke stared at her mother in stunned silence as the chatter around her rose in pitch and panic.  Finally, Lexa shifted forward, head held high.

      “Em pleni!” she yelled loud enough to be heard over the commotion.  “Leave us.”

      “Heda-,” one of her generals began.

      “ _Now_ ,” Lexa ordered venomously, leaving no room for debate.

      Silence fell as everyone shuffled out save for Indra, Clarke, and Abby.

      “Y-you can’t be serious!” Clarke finally managed to splutter out once everyone had left.

      Abby looked at her daughter calmly.  “I assure you, I am very serious.  Seeing as how Nia has never betrayed us, I’m inclined to accept the offer.  Coming here was merely a courtesy that you, quite frankly, didn’t deserve,” Abby replied, directing last statement at Lexa, who hadn’t moved.

      “Mom, she’s lying!  That’s what she does!” Clarke exclaimed angrily, banging her fist on the table before her.  “She’s just trying to use you for your weapons and technology!”

      “She has assured me that is not the case,” Abby replied, still frustratingly calm.  “She was quite adamant about that point, actually.”

      “Because she’s trying to lure you into a false sense of security!  Please, listen to me.  You can not trust her.” Clarke begged.

      “No, I listened to you when you decided that it was a good idea to join forces with Lexa,” Abby retorted, her anger flaring up once more.  “That decision left us for dead and you broken.  I will not lose you again.”

      “If you do this, you will lose me forever!” Clarke threatened, her own words surprising her but knowing they were true nonetheless.  She saw hurt flash in Abby’s eyes before her mother reigned in her emotions.

      “Clarke, you’re being dramatic,” Abby chided.

      “Dramatic?!  You want dramatic?!”  Clarke roughly pulled down the shoulder of her shirt to reveal the still healing arrow wound.  “The bitch tried to kill me!  She tried to kill both of us!  She nearly succeeded this last time!”

      “Clarke,” Lexa warned quietly, knowing Abby shouldn’t have to hear about how close to losing her daughter she’d truly been.

      “No.  If she’s going to make this decision, I want her to be fully informed,” Clarke replied vehemently.  “This wound is only the first of many inflicted by Nia’s warriors.  She’s been trying to kill us for weeks now.  They attacked us again yesterday.  Here.  They killed innocent villagers and they would have succeeded in killing me if it hadn’t been for Lexa.”

      “What are you…?”  Abby trailed off, her eyes glued to the wound on Clarke’s shoulder.

      “I drowned.  I was dead, technically,” Clarke continued, releasing her shirt and pulling her collar down instead to reveal the mottled bruising that had spread across the space between her breasts overnight.  “Dead as in gone.  Forever.  Luckily, Luna knew CPR and she and Lexa were able to revive me.”

      “I-I…,” Abby stuttered, her eyes tracing the bruised pattern on Clarke’s chest, her hand reaching out between them, but Clarke pulled back.

      “So before you go proclaiming your allegiance to Nia, just know what kind of person you’re dealing with,” Clarke huffed before storming out of the hut.

      Lexa had to stop herself from following after the blonde, her duty to remain in the hut as Commander coming before her duty to Clarke.  She silently cursed at not being able to comfort the frustrated blonde, knowing that this would be the first of many times that her obligations to her title would prevent her from her duties to her personal life.  Instead of running after Clarke, like every cell in her body screamed at her to do, Lexa quietly stared at the maps before her as Abby took a moment to gather herself.  After a prolonged and somewhat awkward silence, the woman cleared her throat uncomfortably, and Lexa glanced up.

      “How…Why?” Abby choked out finally, still unable to form a coherent sentence.

      “I remain a threat to Nia’s falsely claimed power.  As long as I am alive, she is never truly the Commander,” Lexa replied to the question she believed Abby was trying to ask.  “Clarke…she saved me from Nia…and from myself.”

      Abby silently digested the information, wondering what Lexa meant.  Looking at the young girl, she could tell that the subject was not up for further discussion, however.  

      “I see.  Like I said, the decision is not final.  The new…information that you and Clarke have presented me with will definitely have to be taken into consideration before I decide what is right for my people,” Abby told the girl.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my daughter.”

      Lexa simply nodded in dismissal at the woman, watching her quickly take her leave from the tent in silence.  She continued to stare at the spot Abby had occupied for a long moment, her mind reeling from the events that had just played out before her.  If Skaikru did not support them, it would be close to impossible to defeat Nia.  That also meant it would be impossible to get to Cage, and that was something that Lexa was not willing to give up.  That man would die for what he had done to her, to Clarke and her people.  Even if it was her last act upon this earth.

      “Heda.” Indra spoke quietly from the shadows to the right of Lexa, startling her from her reverie.

      “We need to convince them to join us or we may not stand a chance,” Lexa pointed out, ignoring the concerned tone of Indra’s voice.

      “Even without them, we can defeat Nia,” Indra stated proudly, stepping closer to Lexa.

      “We will certainly try,” Lexa agreed.

      “Have you come up with a plan of attack yet?” Indra inquired.

      “Bare bones and undeveloped ideas,” Lexa replied as she shuffled the maps in front of her.  “More detailed plans were dependent upon who was brought back.  Now that you are all here, we should get to work.  Please, summon the rest back so that we may begin.”

      “Sha, Heda.” Indra turned to leave, stopping as she reached the door.  Turning back, she said, “Shall I retrieve Clarke and her mother?”

      Lexa debated for a moment, knowing that Clarke definitely needed time to cool off.  Unfortunately, they were running out of time and Lexa could not afford to wait any longer to formulate concrete plans.  She would just fill Clarke in later.  

      “Leave them for now.  I will brief Clarke when she returns,” Lexa advised.

      Indra nodded and left, the door swinging gently closed behind her.  Once she was sure she was alone, Lexa sat heavily on her bed, sighing as she ran her hands through her hair.  This had just become much harder than she had ever imagined.  She hoped Clarke had more luck convincing Abby to side with them.  She rose as she heard the sound of people approaching the hut once more, turning to face her generals.  She slipped her mask in place as the first few stepped in, moving back to her place at the head of the table.  Gesturing for them to gather around, she began organizing the maps on the table and settled in for a long day of planning.

 

**XXX**

 

      Abby found Clarke sitting on the shoreline, her knees drawn up to her chest and her chin resting on them.  She watched for a moment as Clarke drew in the sand with one of her hands, the pattern random but beautiful nonetheless.  She settled down next to Clarke in the sand, watching the waves as they broke over the shore.  Clarke didn’t bother to look up, focusing on the lines she was drawing through the sand.

      “I am sorry, I had no idea,” Abby finally said quietly.  

      When Clarke remained silent, Abby sighed in frustration.

      “You can’t blame me for just trying to do what is right for our people,” Abby said, clearly exasperated.  

      “I don’t,” Clarke finally said.  “I just want you to make an informed decision.”

      “Clarke, you left,” Abby pointed out gently.  “You have no idea what would be best anymore.”

      “Maybe so,” Clarke conceded, “But I do know about Azgeda.  They’re ruthless and they’re only out for themselves.  They don’t care what they have to do to keep control.”

      “Honestly, that sounds like Lexa as well,” Abby responded.

      “Lexa never hurt me like Nia has tried to do,” Clarke argued.

      “Maybe not physically,” Abby retorted quietly.

      That caught Clarke’s attention and the blonde finally stopped drawing in the sand, turning to look at Abby instead.

      “What are you talking about?” Clarke asked, though she had an idea what Abby was getting at.

      “Don’t play coy, Clarke,” Abby chided.  “Lexa told me you saved her from Nia.  I see the way you two look at each other.”

      “We’ve been through a lot the last few weeks,” Clarke explained, unable to conceal the red creeping into her cheeks.

      “I understand.  Before you think I have a problem, I want to assure you that I do not,” Abby said, holding her hands up in surrender.  “Your father and I raised you to make your own choices, to decide what you think is best.  You are a good judge of character.  I trust in that.”

      “That means a lot to me, mom,” Clarke murmured quietly.  

      “Honestly, it appears as though the time away has been good for you.  You seem less…troubled.”

      “I don’t know if I would say _less_ troubled,” Clarke replied, beginning to draw in the sand once more.  “Just managing better.  I was tired of running and decided to face my demons.  Time heals all wounds, you know?”

      “I do, sweetie.” Abby confirmed quietly.

      They sat in peaceable silence for a few minutes, both watching the seagulls diving into the ocean for food.

      “So.  You’ve been here the whole time?” Abby asked, gesturing to the village behind them.

      “No, only recently,” Clarke replied.  “I…I was with the Azgeda up until the last few weeks.”

      Abby’s brows furrowed in confusion.  “I don’t understand.  Why are you so adamant that they are the enemy then?” 

      “It’s a long story,” Clarke sighed.

      “I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to tell me,” Abby said, placing her hand comfortingly on Clarke’s knee.

      Clarke gave her mother a half smile before pushing herself off the ground and stretching.  She offered a hand to Abby, pulling the older woman up to stand beside her.

      “Let’s take a walk and I’ll fill you in,” Clarke said as she moved to walk down the beach.  

      Abby smiled and fell into step beside her daughter as they both moved down the shoreline.

 

**XXX**

 

      It was long past dark by the time Clarke made her way up the beach toward the hut that she and Lexa had been sharing.  Abby had left her a few hours ago, after they’d spoken for hours about Clarke’s time away.  Abby had not indicated if anything Clarke had told her effected the decision she was trying to make, but Clarke felt lighter knowing that either way, the decision would be informed.  She’d lobbied for Skaikru joining forces with Lexa once more, but ultimately, she knew that Abby would consider all the angles and make the best determination.  Clarke had to admit that if she didn’t know Nia, her deal would be difficult to say no to.  A promise of protection while also not having to get involved in the Grounder war that was brewing?  It was practically a no-brainer.  But Clarke knew better.  She knew it was only a matter of time until Nia went back on the deal she was offering and Clarke knew it would be a thousand times worse than anything Lexa would ever do.  
****

Clarke wandered through the village, grabbing a plate of food as she went knowing that Lexa had likely forgotten to eat.  When she entered their hut, she knew she was right when she saw Lexa standing in the same place she’d left her in that morning.  Clarke smiled as she took in the look of concentration on Lexa’s face, her eyes focused intently on the maps in front of her.  Clarke set the plate of food on the table beside Lexa’s hand, causing the brunette to look up and smile softly.

      “I was beginning to wonder if you fell in the sea,” Lexa joked.

      “I just needed some time and space to think,” Clarke explained smiling warmly.  "You know I'm going no where near that water without you, either."

      Lexa nodded and gestured to the plate of food.  “Is that for me?”

      “I figured you would forget to eat.”  At the loud grumble from the brunette’s stomach, Clarke let out a chuckle.  “I see I wasn’t far off.”

      Lexa smirked and pushed the food between them.  “Join me?”

      Clarke pulled a piece of meat from the plate and began munching on it silently.  

      “Did your mother find you?” Lexa asked curiously.

      “Yes.  We talked for a few hours and I’m not sure that it made any difference,” Clarke admitted.

      “But you feel better having done so,” Lexa said knowingly.

      Clarke nodded.  “Regardless of the decision she makes, at least I know I’ve done everything I can.  What have you come up with on this end?  I apologize for being absent for the day.”

      “No need to,” Lexa said waving the apology away.  “We’re still in much the same spot as we were before.  The dead space between where the forest ends and the walls stand only becomes a problem if we make it past the numerous scouts hidden in the forest.  The tunnels will likely be guarded and may not be an option, though they would certainly be our best bet as they lead straight to the tower.”

      “Tunnels?” Clarke inquired curiously.

      “Yes.  Channels under the ground left from the old world,” Lexa explained.  “They run through the entire city.”

      “That sounds promising,” Clarke said eagerly.

      “It would be, but Indra informed me that Nia has destroyed most of them and the few that are left are heavily patrolled.  Even if we made it through to the tower, they would know we were coming.  The element of surprise is the only thing that may turn this war in our favor if your people do not join us.”

      Clarke felt the hope that had blossomed at hearing of the tunnels deflate, her shoulders dropping to reflect her internal feelings.  Noticing Clarke’s change in demeanor, Lexa reached out and squeezed one of the blonde’s hands.

      “We will find a way, Clarke,” she gently reassured.

      Clarke nodded and gave her a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes.  Lexa moved to the other end of the table and retrieved a large leather bound item and set it down in front of Clarke.  When Clarke looked up at her curiously, Lexa just gestured to the item indicating Clarke should open it.  She pulled it to her, running her hands over the clearly worn deep brown material.  Clarke carefully unwound the thin string keeping the piece together, flipping the cover up much like a book.  She gasped quietly when she saw a small stack of parchment sitting in the leather keeper, pencils and something that looked akin to charcoal resting along side the pages.  She brushed her fingers across the different mediums and then the paper, her skin nearly humming at the familiar feel.

      “How…?” she breathed.

      “I remembered you drew the map of Mt. Weather.  I noticed you drawing in the dirt and sand a few times as well,” Lexa explained shyly.  “I figured you may want actual drawing tools.”

      Before she could register the movement, Clarke was wrapping the brunette up in a tight hug.  Lexa stood still for a moment, shocked and unaccustomed to such physical contact, but quickly relaxed into Clarke.  She wrapped her arms around the blonde as well, breathing in the scent she’d become so accustomed to and feeling herself relax. 

      “Thank-you,” Clarke mumbled into her neck.

      “Of course, Clarke,” Lexa said quietly.

      Clarke pulled back slightly so that she could look at Lexa, her eyes moving between the deepest green she’d ever seen and the brunette’s lips.  Her eyes silently asked a question that was answered when Lexa closed the distance between them, her lips pressing gently, reverently against Clarke’s.  Clarke relaxed into the kiss, sighing as she moved a hand to tangle in Lexa’s braids.  She felt Lexa’s hands fall to her hips and tangle in her shirt as the brunette pulled her body flush against hers, deepening the kiss as she did so.  Clarke shivered as Lexa’s tongue skimmed over hers, the sensation immediately causing her pulse to quicken as she practically stopped breathing. 

      Clarke could feel the fire burning in the pit of her stomach, the almost primal need for her skin to be pressed against against Lexa’s.  As though reading her mind, Lexa pushed her back slightly, searching Clarke’s face as she pulled on the hem of the blonde’s shirt.  Clarke merely nodded, never breaking eye contact, as she raised her arms over her head.  Lexa gently but efficiently pulled Clarke’s shirt over her head, leaving only Clarke’s bindings behind.  Clarke pulled the brunette back in with the hand that was still tangled in her hair, hungry to have the brunette’s lips back on her own once more.  They shared a searing kiss before Lexa’s lips disappeared once more.  Clarke nearly protested before she felt them press to her jawline before beginning a burning trail down the most sensitive flesh on her neck.  Clarke let out a quiet moan at the sensation, pushing into Lexa further.  Needing more, Lexa guided Clarke until she was backed against the war table, much like Clarke had done so many months prior.  

      She never broke contact with the blonde’s skin as she pushed Clarke up onto the table so the blonde was sitting with her legs wrapped around Lexa’s waist, sealing the brunette against her.  Lexa could feel the heat radiating from Clarke’s core against her stomach, the feeling nearly causing her to lose all patience.  Clarke’s hands tangled in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer.  She bit down on the skin at the juncture where Clarke’s neck met her shoulder, eliciting yet another moan from the blonde.  She quickly soothed over the sting with her lips as they pressed gentle kisses into the faint mark left behind.  Each noise Clarke made steadily drove her crazier, causing fire to burn from the point between her legs and spread through her body.  She moved down and across each of Clarke’s collarbones, pressing gentle kisses around the nearly healed wound in her shoulder before Clarke pulled her face back up to clash their lips together once more.  There was no fight for dominance, no grappling for control.  As much was given as was taken, each woman the other’s equal in every way.

      Finally, Clarke broke the kiss, her lips swollen and her fingers tugging at the hem of Lexa’s shirt.  Her ragged breathing matched Lexa’s and Lexa moved to strip her own shirt off, pausing as she heard Clarke’s quiet intake of breath.  Lexa knew she was scarred.  She had lived a hard and battle weary life in her few years upon the earth.  She closed her eyes as she felt Clarke’s fingers ghosting across the many crisscrossing lines, tracing them as they swooped across her flesh.  The fingers stopped as the scar they were tracing dipped below the bottom of Lexa’s bindings.  Lexa’s eyes fluttered open at the hesitation she could feel emanating from the blonde, taking her hand in her own and caressing the back of it with her thumb.  She placed a chaste kiss there before dropping it to remove her bindings.  Clarke watched the movements with rapt attention, Lexa enjoying the way her breath hitched as the last bits of fabric fell to the floor at her feet.  

      It took a moment, but Clarke stretched a trembling hand across the charged air between them, gently resuming the tracing pattern where she had left off.  Her finger followed the precise pattern as it travelled up to end at the side of Lexa’s breast.  Clarke gently pressed a kiss to the end of the mark pulling back slightly to gaze at the girl before her.

      “Another sword fighting accident?” she asked quietly, her hands trailing over Lexa’s toned stomach.

      “Something like that,” Lexa smirked before closing the gap between them and pulling Clarke against her now exposed stomach.  

      She nearly whimpered at the sensation, the heat practically too much to handle as she pushed her stomach against the blonde, using her body to create friction.  When Clarke moaned against her lips and began rocking against her, Lexa shuddered.  Clarke moved to trail her own set of kisses down Lexa’s neck as her hands roamed over her back, tracing the scars that she found there.  Lexa’s own hands tangled in the waist line of Clarke’s pants as she pulled the blonde against her more forcefully, just trying to make more contact.  Before she knew what was happening, Clarke’s hands had disappeared and new flesh was being pressed against her own chest.  Lexa couldn’t stifle her moan as she realized Clarke had removed her own bindings and was pressing her bare chest against Lexa’s.  The sensation of Clarke’s skin moving against her was nearly too much, Lexa’s knees nearly giving out beneath her.  She broke contact, resting her forehead on Clarke’s shoulder as she tried to slow her racing heart and control her breathing, knowing she was teetering on the verge of losing control.

      “Hey,” Clarke murmured as she used a finger to push Lexa’s face up to meet her gaze.  “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

      “I very much want to do this,” Lexa said, taking in a shuddering breath.  “I just…I need a moment.”

      Clarke nodded her understanding, resting her forehead against the other girls as her hands played in the soft hair at the base of Lexa’s neck.

      “Letting go and losing control…it’s difficult for me to do,” Lexa explained apologetically.

      “We can go as slow as you need.  You are safe here,” Clarke reassured her.  “You are safe with me.”  

      Clarke’s eyes were the deepest shade of blue Lexa had ever seen, nearly all color replaced in favor of pupils blown wide by desire.  In that moment, she was sure she had never felt more safe in all her life.  Clarke’s words shot straight to her heart, warming it in a manner she was sure she’d never feel again after Costia.  Her gaze softened as she brought her lips crashing down on the blonde’s, every word she couldn’t voice communicated in the movement of her lips against Clarke’s.  Clarke had given a piece of Lexa back to herself that she had not even realized had been missing.  Clarke had accepted her despite all of her faults and shortcomings, despite the fact that they were from two completely different worlds, despite the fact that she herself had been a true monster, and despite the choices that she had made in the past and the ones she would inevitably need to make in the future.  

      In that moment, Lexa realized she needed Clarke in a way that she had never needed anyone, in a way that surpassed mere physical desire but rather a need that stemmed from the very depths of her soul.  A void that only Clarke had been able to fill.  Lexa broke the kiss, her breathing ragged and erratic as she stared into deep blue eyes, eyes that mirrored the very thoughts spinning in her own head.  The knowing look in Clarke’s eyes was all the reassurance she would ever need as she moved back in to begin trailing down Clarke’s neck once more, pausing at places she had felt Clarke respond to over others.  She continued her downward track as her hands also busied themselves with Clarke’s now exposed chest.

      Her thumbs gently brushed over Clarke’s nipples, causing them to harden as Clarke arched into the pressure.  Hunger was replaced with something deeper, something greater than mere desire, as Lexa moved to take one of Clarke’s hardened nipples in her mouth.  She slid her tongue over one before moving to give the other equal attention.  She lost herself in the feeling of Clarke’s hands tangled in her hair, pulling her ever closer as the blonde rocked into her.  She pressed kisses to the blonde’s bruised breast bone as she moved between breasts, her lips still saying things she couldn’t quite form into sentences yet.  She laid Clarke back on the table, trailing her tongue and lips down the blonde’s equally toned stomach until she reached the top of Clarke’s pants.  Looking up as she circled kisses around the blonde’s naval, she met eyes as dark as the night sky, Clarke’s usual alabaster skin tinged red with arousal.  

      “Lexa, please,” she breathed as she arched against a particularly bruising kiss to her side.

      Lexa grinned as she hooked her fingers into the fabric and began to pull.

      “Heda!”

      Lexa froze, her movements halted by the panicked cry.  In the blink of an eye, Clarke was sitting up once more, alarm on her features.  

      “HEDA!” the voice came again, this time closer.  

      Lexa quickly stepped back to give Clarke space as the blonde clambered from the table, quickly throwing her shirt back on, Lexa moving to do the same.  They had both just barely pulled the shirts down when the same teenager that had delivered the maps a few nights prior came barreling through the door.  He was out of breath and sweating, as though he had run all the way from the bottom of the village at top speed.  

      “We really need to work on this kids timing,” Clarke grumbled as she tried to unsuccessfully tame her mussed hair.

      Lexa smirked before turning to address the boy.  “What is so urgent you felt the need to yell?”

      “Azgeda, moving in from the woodline,” he gasped out as he tried to catch his breath.  “They’re about a mile out and closing fast.”

      Both girls stiffened at the words before moving at record speed to retrieve their swords.  

      “Rouse everyone,” Lexa ordered the boy.  “Tell them to prepare for battle.  Go. Now!”

      With that, the boy turned heel and took off out the way he had come.  Clarke came to stand beside her as she threw her sword over her back.  She relaxed slightly as the blonde pulled her against her chest.

      “To be continued later,” she murmured against Lexa’s lips.

      Lexa gave her a wide smile before delivering a bruising kiss to the blonde’s lips.  She stepped back and linked their hands together, pulling Clarke from the hut to face whatever threat Nia had planned next.

 

**XXX**

 

      Twenty minutes later, Lexa and Luna sat hidden amongst the shadows as they awaited any sign of attack from the woods beyond the village.  Lexa was tensed beside Luna, her mind preoccupied with thoughts about Clarke.  The blonde had rushed off to find her mother once they’d exited the hut and Lexa had no idea where she had ended up.  She had sent Indra out to locate her and stay by her side through whatever was coming.  The General had seemed less than pleased at the prospect, but one look from Lexa had made sure there would be no argument.  Sensing her Commander’s mood, Luna leaned in to whisper to the brunette.  
****

“Lex, if you squeeze the hilt of that sword any harder, you will mold it to your hand,” she commented.

      Lexa threw her a pointed look, but repositioned her hand on the sword to loosen some of the tension.  

      “Clarke will be fine.  She has turned into a capable warrior,” Luna continued, knowing the source of Lexa’s distraction.

      “I am not worried about Clarke,” Lexa grumbled.

      “You are a terrible liar, Lexa,” Luna remarked, watching the girl’s jaw clench at the words.  “You are different when she is around.  Lighter.  More…hopeful.”

      “Luna, enough,” Lexa whispered in frustration.

      “I did not say it was a bad thing,” Luna clarified.  “You do need to focus on what is about to occur, however.  If you are worried about her, you will be distracted.  To be distracted is to welcome death.”

      Lexa let out a frustrated sigh and opened her mouth to respond, but stopped short when she heard the distinct sound of a branch breaking in the dark forest to her right.  As she watched the dark, she saw the form of a large man appear, clothed in the traditional Azgedan cloak.  She tensed, readying herself to attack as he approached.  She was about to spring forward when she heard a familiar voice call out into the night.

      “Kai?”

      “Prisa?” the dark form called back.

      Lexa watched as Clarke emerged from a shadow to her left, sword drawn at the ready.  

      “Kai, is that you?” she heard Clarke ask.

      “Sha, Prisa.  Call off the welcoming party before I’m full of new holes,” he called, chuckling.  

      Lexa felt the tension drain from her body at the sound, sheathing her sword as she stood and stretched.  Luna was right, she had been way too tense.  She rolled her shoulders to relieve the tension that had found a home there, the movement barely helping as she walked towards Kai.  She stretched out her arm to grasp his, welcoming him back to the village.  She peered around him when she saw more figures emerging from the woods, all clothed in traditional Azgedan garb.  

      “Are we too late for the party?” Kai asked, smiling widely at both women.  

      “Just in time, actually,” Clarke stated.

      “Come, we will talk while our people settle in.”  Lexa gestured to Luna, who had been standing back, to come forward.

      “Good to see you back in one piece, Kai,” the red head greeted the man, giving him a brief but warm hug.

      “Glad to be back.  Though I did not miss this heat,” he commented, laughing.

      “Shush!” Luna chastised, laughing as well as she moved to welcome the newcomers.

      Clarke shook her head as she and Lexa led the way back to their hut.  Kai shed his cloak as they walked, sweat rolling down his face.

      “How was the journey?” Clarke asked.  “You made excellent time.”

      “This is important,” Kai replied seriously.  “We don’t have time to waste based on what I have learned.”

      They entered the hut and sat on one of the beds, Clarke and Lexa on one while Kai settled on a bed across from them.

      “What news do you bring?” Lexa asked hesitantly, already knowing it wouldn’t be good.

      “Nia has completely taken Polis.  There is no resistance left within the city.  Any hope of having an inside man is likely gone,” Kai revealed.  “There were not many Azgeda who defected, either.  Nia has her claws in everyone.  They are too afraid.”

      Clarke put a hand on Lexa’s knee as she saw the words take affect on the brunette, Lexa’s shoulders drooping almost imperceptibly.  Lexa glanced at the blonde before covering her hand with her own and giving it a light squeeze.  If Kai was surprised by either gesture, he didn’t comment and both women appreciated it.

      “What of the tunnels?” Lexa inquired, turning back to Kai.

      At Kai’s hesitant look, Clarke let out a frustrated sigh.  “How bad?” she demanded.

      “Many have been blocked off or destroyed when they found out that they were being used as a system to get your supporters out of the city,” Kai said reluctantly as he looked at Lexa.  At that, Lexa stood and began pacing, barely controlled anger evident in each step.  Clarke tracked her with her eyes, concern clear across her features as she wondered how they were supposed to get into the city now.  The tunnels had been their best option, their only option, really.  It seemed like at every turn, they were facing another challenge, another problem standing between them and the elimination of Nia and Cage.  Clarke looked up as she watched Abby, Raven, and Indra enter the hut, Octavia and Lincoln following a minute later.  

      “We figured you would still be up,” Abby said, addressing both girls.

      “What’s going on?” Clarke asked, confused at the sudden increased capacity of the hut.

      “I’ve made my decision,” Abby stated, her face a neutral slate that gave nothing away.

      Lexa stopped her pacing immediately, turning to face Clarke’s mother with a guarded look on her face. 

      “What have you decided, Abby kom Skaikru?” Lexa asked, her voice strong.

      “Skaikru will stand with you, Commander,” Abby revealed.

      Clarke let out a sigh of relief, not realizing she had been holding her breath as she had waited for her mother’s final decision.  She stood and moved to hug the woman, burying her face in her neck.

      “You’re making the right choice, mom.”  Clarke gave her a squeeze before moving to embrace Raven, who was grinning broadly.

      “So.  When do we get to blow the bitch up?” the mechanic asked, making everyone laugh.

      “That’s the spirit,” Octavia said, rolling her eyes.  She couldn’t prevent the smile that played on her lips though.

      Clarke returned to where she was sitting, her mother coming to rest at her side.

      “I am glad you are choosing to stand with us, Abby,” Lexa said.  “I promise you that this alliance will not be broken as the last was.”

      “See that it is not,” Abby warned, giving the leader a scathing look.

      Clarke didn’t miss the hint of a smile playing at the corners of Lexa’s mouth as the brunette nodded.  Lexa reached her arm out, nodding once as Abby took it in her own and gave it a squeeze.  

      “Having Skaikru join us greatly tips the odds in our favor,” Lexa began, pausing when Luna entered the hut.

      “Skaikru is in?” the redhead asked.  “Oh, this bitch is going down!”

      “That’s what I said!” Raven exclaimed, grinning widely as Kai laughed loudly.

      “Great minds think alike, Reyes,” Luna joked as she sat down next to the mechanic.  

      “If you are quite finished, Luna,” Lexa said, rolling her eyes.

      “Yeah, sorry Lex!” Luna gave Raven a ‘whoops’ look and both girls dissolved into silent giggles.

      “As I was saying, having Skaikru on our side greatly increases the odds that we will succeed in defeating Nia.” Lexa shook her head at Luna and Raven, moving to stand at the war table and looking at Abby.  “I imagine that your whole Clan stands with you if you tell them of your choice?”

      “Yes, that is generally how it works, though I would never force anyone to do something they don’t wish to do,” Abby stated.

      “I can radio back to camp, let Monty know what is going on and to tell Kane to prepare the troops,” Raven offered, having recovered from her laughing fit.

      “Yes, please do that,” Abby agreed, nodding.

      “What is a radio?” Luna asked, clearly intrigued.

      “Follow me and I’ll show you,” Raven said, smirking proudly.  “Built it myself.”

      Both women quickly left the hut, Raven excitedly explaining how radio waves worked.  Clarke found herself smiling fondly at their retreat, their friendly banter significantly lightening the mood.  

      “Raven may be able to come up with something that can help us get in through the tunnels,” Octavia offered once both women had left.

      “Yes,” Clarke agreed quickly.  “She’s kind of a genius when it comes to things like that.”

      “That would definitely give us an advantage,” Lexa conceded.  “Lincoln, Octavia.  Please see to it that the mechanic has everything she needs.”

      Both warriors nodded their heads in acknowledgement before quickly leaving the hut.  Seeing Abby stifle a yawn behind her hand, Lexa moved to stand in front of the small remnants of people.  

      “It is late, we should all get some rest and come back to this in the morning,” she stated.  “Luna has shown you your accommodations?” 

      “Yes, Lexa,” Abby replied, standing to leave.  When she realized Clarke had remained where she was, she looked at her daughter curiously.  “Will you be joining me?”

      “Um…Actually, I sleep here…with Lexa,” Clarke replied, hoping the red on her cheeks was not visible.

      “I see,” Abby replied slowly, looking between the two women who were both now conveniently distracted by the floor.  “In that case, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

      She leaned down to plant a kiss on Clarke’s head before catching Lexa’s eye.  “Commander,” she stated, the tone in the single word warning the brunette.

      “Abby,” Lexa calmly replied as she watched the woman make her way from the hut.

      Upon catching Kai smirking at her, Clarke threw him a glare, though she couldn’t stop the grin that turned her own lips up as her face burned.

      “Well, I’m going to take that as my cue to leave,” he said, standing.  “Indra?  Care to join me?”

      Kai offered his arm for the Grounder General, smiling widely at her.  When Indra simply glared at him, he laughed and made his way to the door, holding it open for her as she passed.  Clarke could hear his laugh fade into the night as he made his way to his quarters and shook her head in amusement.

      “Well I’m glad that wasn’t awkward,” Clarke declared as she stood and stretched.

      “I did not find anything awkward, Clarke,” Lexa replied as she moved to change into her sleeping clothes.  “But I assume it was more awkward for you considering your shirt was inside out this whole time.”

      “What?!” Clarke exclaimed looking down.  Sure enough, her shirt was clearly inside out.  She groaned.  “Why didn’t you tell me!”

      “I assumed you wished to wear it like that,” Lexa replied, smirking to indicate she had not believed that for a second.

      “Well it’s your fault!” Clarke accused playfully, also moving to change and pulling her shirt off.  

      When she received no response, she turned to find Lexa staring at her, her green eyes taking in Clarke’s half naked form.  She watched as Lexa visibly swallowed, her tongue darting out to wet her lips.  It was Clarke’s turn to smirk as she sauntered over to the brunette, Lexa’s eyes never leaving Clarke’s.

      “You know, it is awful warm tonight,” Clarke whispered teasingly in Lexa’s ear, her warm breath making Lexa shiver.  

      “It is hot,” Lexa managed to choke out as Clarke’s nose trailed down her jawline.

      “Guess we could sleep without clothes,” Clarke murmured suggestively.  “It would be more comfortable, after all.”

      Both girls jumped as a knock sounded at the door.  Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, shaking it back and forth as she groaned in exasperation.  

      “I swear this is worse than any self-inflicted punishment I could ever devise,” Clarke huffed.  "I'm going to kill that kid."

      “Put your shirt on.  I’ll see what they need,” Lexa said, chuckling lightly as she kissed Clarke’s cheek.

      Clarke heard Lexa speaking quietly to whoever was at the door, the brunette waving her over when she saw Clarke was decent.

      “Abby has sent for you.  Something about a wounded Azgedan from the group Kai brought,” Lexa informed her.

      Clarke sighed.  “Okay.  I’ll see what she needs.  I’ll be back as soon as possible, ok?”

      “I’ll be waiting,” Lexa promised.

      Clarke squeezed her hand briefly before moving to follow the teenager with the absolute worst timing she’d ever met.

 

**XXX**

 

      The wounded Azgedan had ended up being worse off than Abby’s message had implied, and Abby had sent for Clarke because she had needed a second set of eyes during the surgery to fix the woman’s leg.  It had lasted for hours, but they had been able to save both the woman and her leg.  Clarke was nearly asleep on her feet as she trudged back to her hut, smiling when she saw the brunette had pushed their beds back together but wasn’t in either one.  She saw Lexa’s form slumped over the war table, the brunette snoring softly over the maps she was laying on.  She had pulled a bed up to act as a seat at the table and exhaustion had clearly won in the end.  Clarke smiled fondly at her sleeping form, her heart skipping a beat as she brushed a lock of hair from her face.  She was tempted to allow the brunette to sleep, but she knew Lexa’s body would regret it in the morning.  She gently shook Lexa’s shoulder, rousing the brunette from sleep quickly.  

      “Clarke?” she asked, voice still thick with sleep.  “What time is it?”

      “Late.  Or early, depending on how you look at it,” Clarke replied, placing a kiss on the girls cheek.  “Come on, lets go to bed.”

      Clarke took the brunette’s hand and led her to the bed, settling down with her back to Lexa.  It was only a moment before she felt Lexa’s arm wrap around her waist, her hand dipping under Clarke’s shirt to rest against the skin of her stomach.  Clarke smiled as she shut her eyes, placing her arm over Lexa’s to secure it in place before intertwining their fingers.

      “How is the Azgedan?” Lexa murmured as she moved their joined hands to trace patterns on Clarke’s skin.

      “She’s stable for now.  It was a long surgery,” Clarke yawned.

      “I tried to stay up for you.  I don’t remember falling asleep,” Lexa mumbled apologetically.

      “I don’t mind.  I like to watch you sleep,” Clarke revealed as she snuggled back into Lexa’s chest.  “You’re so at peace when you’re sleeping.”

      “So are you,” Lexa replied.

      “Thanks for moving the beds back together.  I wasn’t looking forward to doing it when I came back,” Clarke said gratefully.

      “I didn’t have a choice.  I sleep better when I’m with you.  The nightmares are less,” Lexa told her.

      “Me too,” Clarke sighed as she felt sleep taking over.  “Reshop, Heda.”

      “Goodnight, Clarke.”

 

                                                                              Neither woman had nightmares that night.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh lord, y'all. I don't even know what to tell you guys. My muse took a vacation and took her time coming the hell back. I'm sorry for the delay, but I really struggled with this chapter. Every time I tried to write, it felt forced and I didn't want that to be my representation of this couple. This chapter is slightly shorter, and slightly a filler, but I felt it was still necessary in the grand scheme of things. Now, I haven't edited it yet because I wanted to give you guys an update that I know some of you have been waiting weeks for. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy, all mistakes are my own, and I appreciate all of your comments!

      The next day was spent around the war table, strategizing.  Clarke and Lexa’s beds had managed to separate once more before the Grounder generals had begun showing up at their hut.  Someone had also found a few chairs to place around the table, offering a few somewhere to sit as they debated the best course of action.  Every possible idea was voiced, yet the tunnels remained their most viable option to gain access to the tower where Nia and Cage were.  Despite that being their best option, even that only had a twenty percent chance of working.  At least, that was what Raven had told them.  Besides that, they had to worry about the approach from the woods being saturated with Azgedan warriors.  They knew it would be nearly impossible to make it to the tunnel entrance undetected.  Once they were discovered, they would lose the element of surprise, it being the only advantage that they had at this point. 

      Most of the Skaikru members had been in and out all day long, depending on what else they were doing around the village.  Abby had insisted on returning to Arkadia with the wounded Grounder woman and also to field any inquiries into Skaikru’s allegiance from the Ice Nation.  Bellamy had insisted on accompanying her back to camp and they had left at first light.  Octavia and Kai had begun training sessions for anyone who wished to learn how to fight down on the training grounds while Lincoln had been out with Indra scouting the surrounding woods and making sure that no Azgedans were lurking.  Clarke had been the only one of them to stay for a large part of the day, and she wasn’t even sure she qualified as Skaikru any longer.  Clarke had been in and out all day, working on another project that was important to her as well.  The time she did spend in the hut was spent standing by Lexa’s side the entire time, quietly observing Lexa as she interacted with her people.  Mostly, she tried to ignore the way that most of them stared at her.  Some with awe; some with fear.  She knew her reputation proceeded her, but she had almost fallen into a flow of normalcy the longer she and Lexa had been with the Boat Clan.  She’d become accustom to people staring at Lexa before her, but that didn’t seem to be the case with Lexa’s generals.  

      As night began to fall and Clarke grew tired of the loaded stares that were still being thrown her way, Clarke knew she would need to take a break soon or the night would end with an unwelcome outburst from her.  Just as she was about to excuse herself, she saw Lexa take just a half step back from the table and roll her shoulders slightly.  Clarke recognized the nearly invisible movements as exhaustion in the other woman, knowing Lexa was likely just as spent as Clarke was.  Clarke debated for a moment but then allowed her instincts to take over, stepping forward as she called everyone’s attention by clearing her throat. 

      “It’s getting late and many of us have not eaten since early this morning.  Why don’t we take a break for now and come back to this tomorrow,” Clarke proposed.

      There was quiet grumbling from a few leaders that she knew still didn’t trust or respect her, but she saw most in the hut nodding their heads in eager agreement.  Lexa glanced at her, the relief just barely visible in her tired eyes, before turning back to address the people before her.

      “Clarke is correct.  We all need rest and nourishment.  We will reconvene tomorrow at first light,” Lexa ordered.

      This time, there was no grumbling.  A few heads dipped in acknowledgment and Clarke heard a few quiet mumblings of “sha, Heda” as the group filed out.  Once they were alone, Lexa moved to sit on the edge of her bed, this time rolling her shoulders as a hand went up to massage the tension that rested at the base of her neck.  She let out a frustrated sigh as she did so, her  eyes still on the table that was now littered with diagrams, maps, and half made plans.

      “All this time spent on strategy and we’re still no closer to striking at Nia,” Lexa murmured quietly, running a hand through her hair in clear frustration.

      Clarke moved the the other side of Lexa’s bed, kneeling behind her and replacing Lexa’s hand with her own.  She began rubbing at the knotted tension between Lexa’s shoulder blades as Lexa allowed herself to relax back into Clarke’s chest, an audible sigh of relief leaving her lips as Clarke’s hands worked. 

      “We will figure it out, Lexa,” Clarke reassured.  “We have the people, we just need the plan.  I think the tunnels will work.  We can get Raven to make something that will help up the odds.”

      “Something like what, Clarke?  These people will not use Skaikru technology, not after they’ve been taught to fear it their whole lives,” Lexa pointed out, the frustration clear in her voice.

      “Considering what happened earlier, I don’t think we’re looking at multiple weapons, just one big one,” Clarke replied, amusement in her tone.

      Lexa fixed her with a pointed gaze.  “Raven and Luna blowing a hut to bits doesn’t seem like a plan that’s going to keep the element of surprise on our side,” Lexa replied dryly.

      “In their defense, they said it was an accident,” Clarke said chuckling at the memory of Raven and Luna covered in soot and smelling like smoke.  “Raven said she got distracted and put too much of the explosive in the mix.  It happens.”

      Lexa rolled her eyes as she straightened up the various maps laying about the table.  “Distractions can be deadly, as was very nearly the case today.”

      “They’re deadly in battle, but not all the time,” Clarke argued back, a coy smile playing at her lips.

      It was enough to get Lexa to momentarily stop what she was doing and look up.  Clarke’s smile grew wider when she saw the corners of Lexa’s lips twitching up as well as the brunette fought to maintain her serious attitude.  Clarke walked over to her, sliding her hands up Lexa’s arms as she turned the brunette to face her.  Lexa quirked an eyebrow as Clarke’s hands fell to her waist, pulling her in close.  She heard Lexa’s breath hitch as her body was pressed flush against Clarke’s, Clarke’s smile turning to a knowing smirk in an instant.

      “Like I said, not all distractions are bad,” Clarke murmured, licking her lips.

      Lexa swallowed, her throat bobbing with the action as she watched Clarke’s lips.  “I’m not sure I’m sold on your point.  I think you need to argue it a little further.”

      “Oh yeah?” Clarke asked, moving her face within a breath of Lexa’s, her lips just brushing over the brunettes.  “How about now?”

      “Not quite,” Lexa replied breathlessly.

      “I see…”  Clarke trailed off as she moved to press her lips firmly to Lexa’s.

      The kiss was immediately heated, Clarke’s lips moving insistently against Lexa’s.  Clarke backed Lexa into the table, the brunette gasping slightly against Clarke’s lips at the sudden and unexpected contact against her back. Clarke gave her no time to process though, her lips roughly reclaiming Lexa’s in a demand for attention, which Lexa was freely giving her.  It was Lexa who deepened the kiss, her hands moving to tangle in Clarke’s hair as she tilted her head back for a better angle.  Clarke’s hands were curled around the hem of Lexa’s shirt, pulling the other girl against her.  Both lost track of time as they lost themselves in each other, Clarke only pulling back when the loud groans of her stomach could no longer be ignored.  Breaking the kiss, she leaned her forehead against Lexa’s, both struggling to catch their breath.  Lexa smiled as her stomach growled audibly once more.

      “It seems your stomach makes other demands,” Lexa pointed out.

      “Just when I was getting to the best part of my argument, too,” Clarke replied, her smile taking on a seductive air.  

      Lexa hummed in response, brushing her nose against Clarke’s.  “I think I was just beginning to see your point, too.  I guess you’ll just have to make it later.”

      “I guess so,” Clarke murmured as she pressed one final kiss to Lexa’s lips before moving back.

      Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes move back to the covered table and she saw the familiar worry and frustration settle in the green eyes she’d grown so familiar with.  Instantly, her own gaze softened as she reached up a hand to gently turn Lexa’s gaze back to her.

      “Seriously, we will figure this out,” Clarke told her quietly.  

      “When?  Every minute we spend here is another that my people suffer at Nia’s hands.  We can’t afford to take any more time on this,” Lexa pointed out, her features darkening once more at the mention of the Ice Queen.

      “Just one more day.  If we don’t get it by then, we’ll just go with what we have,” Clarke bargained.

      Lexa let out a mirthless laugh.  “What we have?  We have nothing, Clarke.  Absolutely _nothing_.  She has everything.  It’s time to accept that we may not succeed here.”

      Clarke took one of Lexa’s hands in her own, squeezing it until Lexa met her gaze once more.  “Do you remember the night in your tent before we went to battle at Mount Weather?”

      Lexa tensed, her eyes taking on a guarded look as she clearly wondered where Clarke was going with her statement.

      “Relax,” Clarke soothed, a faint smile taking over.  “You told me I could be a leader that people chose to fight and die for, one that they would pour their hopes and dreams into.  Do you remember?”

      Lexa visibly relaxed at the words, her shoulders slumping slightly forward as she nodded her head in affirmation.  “I remember.”

      “When did you stop believing that?” Clarke inquired.

      The question caught Lexa off guard, the brunette blinking in surprise.  When _had_ she stopped believing that?  Had it been when she had first betrayed Clarke?  Or when she had failed to follow through on that betrayal and actually leave Clarke behind as she was supposed to?  Perhaps when Cage had ambushed her and literally stripped her of everything she was?  More than likely, it was a combination of all those things, each contributing in some way to her now lost sense of self.  Clarke must have picked up on her darkened mood, her thumb moving to rub soothing circles on the inside of Lexa’s wrist as Lexa’s mind churned with uneasy thoughts.

      “I don’t know…,” Lexa whispered, her eyes wide as she watches Clarke’s thumb.  “I didn’t know I had.  What if I never get that piece of me back?”

      “I don’t think that it’s gone,” Clarke replied quietly.  

      “Cage, he…,” Lexa trailed off and shuddered as the memories from her time as a reaper flood her mind.  “He did truly awful things to me.  _I_ did awful things for him.”

      “That wasn’t you,” Clarke argued moving a hand to cup Lexa’s cheek.  “He made you do those things.”

      Lexa drew in a ragged breath, the truth spilling from her lips unbidden.  “But he didn’t,” she whispered, her chin dropping as her eyes shut against the confession. 

      Clarke froze, not quite sure she had understood what Lexa said.  Before she could question her though, Lexa cleared her throat and continued speaking in a muted tone.

      “It was my choice to kill innocent people for more serum.  I chose that drug over my freedom, over my own death, over the lives of my people- people that I _swore_ to protect as Commander.  The Red…it’s the most powerful pull of anything that I’ve ever experienced.  I tried to resist…I should have tried harder, but I didn’t.” 

      Clarke remained frozen for a beat before moving her other hand to gently wipe at the silent tears that had begun to fall from Lexa’s eyes as she’d been speaking.  She was fairly certain that Lexa wasn’t even aware of their presence, clearly lost in the painful memories of her past.  She remained silent, sensing that Lexa had not yet finished.

      “The day he brought me to Nia to be executed, for the few moments I was lucid through the haze, I remember being relieved that someone was going to do what I could not; that someone was going to grant me the ending that I so rightfully deserved but was too weak to do myself.” Lexa stood and moved away from Clarke, placing distance between herself and Clarke, as though that would spare the other woman the guilt of her decisions.  Gripping the table, she fought to get the next words out.  “Same as when you found me and I begged you to end me.  I couldn’t stand what I had become…a monster.  Death would have been too kind, but it was all I deserved.”

      “Lexa…” Clarke murmured, her empathy ringing loud and clear.

      “No, please Clarke.” Lexa cut her off softly, her hands clenching into fists at her side.  “I am not deserving of your pity or your empathy.  The decisions I made, they are my own and I must live with the guilt of them for the remainder of my days.”

      Clarke stood and moved toward Lexa, the pain in the other girls face too much for her to just sit by and idly watch any longer.  She took one of Lexa’s fists into her hand, feeling the woman tense at the touch.

      “That person was not _you_ ,” Clarke insisted, still holding Lexa’s fist between her own hands.  “Cage turned you into that person.  You are the strongest person I know so believe me when I tell you that it is not your fault.  No one can resist that drug.”

      Clarke felt some of the tension leave Lexa’s body at her words, though the woman still wouldn’t bring her eyes up to meet Clarke’s. 

      “The woman I’ve grown to know in these last few weeks, this is who you really are.  Fighting for your people, fighting to ensure their future is free from oppression and fear despite the danger to your own life,” Clarke continued, rubbing soothing circles into the top of Lexa’s hand once more.  “You’re up against insurmountable odds and yet here you stand, still willing to sacrifice yourself for what you believe is right.  Not because you believe you deserve death for whatever has happened in the past, but because you accept it as a possible price to pay for the good of your people.  A people who still believe in you, just as I do.”

      As she spoke, Clarke could feel the tension slowly leaving Lexa’s body.  She just hoped that she was getting through to the other woman.  If Lexa truly lost faith in herself, Clarke knew they’d never stand a chance against Nia and Cage.

      “I’ve been given a second chance to defeat Nia and Cage, and here I stand, in the middle of an all out war, no closer to a plausible solution,” Lexa finally said.  “My people are still dying and I am still unable to help them.”

      “This is war, Lexa.  People die,” Clarke said, echoing words from what seemed like another time now.  “You taught me that.”

      “This is different,” Lexa shot back, turning to face Clarke fully.  There was a fire burning in her green eyes, and while Clarke knew it wasn’t directed at her, it took her aback all the same.  “The people who are dying now, they’re dying as a direct result of my actions; of my failures as their leader.”

      Lexa pulled away from Clarke once more, making her way to the exit of the hut.  “This blood is directly on my hands, and mine alone.”

      Before Clarke could argue further and tell Lexa that her guilt was misplaced, the brunette was out the door, disappearing into the shadows the night offered.

 

**XXX**

 

       A few hours later, Clarke found herself sitting alone in front of a fire, the crackling and popping of the flames the only sound in the clearing she was in.  She had gone back to her other project and spent a few hours on it to put the finishing touches on it before coming to settle in front of the fire.  She had lost track of how long she’d been staring into the flames, but she was aware that Indra was there before the woman had made a sound.  She could sense her hovering over her left shoulder, just outside the reach of the light cast around the clearing by the flames. 

      “You may join me, Indra,” Clarke called without moving.

      “You have learned much since you have been gone,” Indra observed as she moved to sit beside Clarke.

      Clarke merely nodded once, not really enthused at the idea of discussing why she had needed to learn to survive.  Both women sat quietly, staring into the flames, and Clarke wondered what Indra had found important enough to seek her out about.  Clarke knew that she was not one of Indra’s favorite people and there was most definitely a reason that Indra had chosen to sit with her.  Knowing the warrior favored silence, however, Clarke sat patiently and waited.  After a few more minutes of silence, as though Indra had to take the time to prepare herself for whatever she needed to say, the Grounder finally shifted to face Clarke.  Clarke mirrored her position, affording her the respect that she deserved.

      “I have known Heda a long time,” Indra began.  “Since she was brought to Polis as a young child.  As you can imagine, I know her better than nearly anyone left on this Earth.”

      Clarke nodded her understanding, wondering what Indra was trying to tell her.

      “Heda…she has had a difficult life and does not have many left around her that she cares for.”  Indra paused, as though trying to gather herself once more.  “However, she has chosen to care for you.”

      Clarke stilled, unsure of what to make of the last statement and trying not to let anything flash across her face.

      Indra let the barest hint of a smirk play at her lips before leaning forward slightly, the light dancing across her dark skin.  “You two are not as private as you would like to think.  That being said, I have not seen Heda this…happy in a very long time.”

      “Happy?  I’m not sure that would be the term that applies here,” Clarke replied sarcastically.

      “You may not see it, but as I said, I have known Heda for a long time.  For me, it is easy to spot the difference.  She is lighter with you around, less burdened.  You calm her.  Even in this time of stress,” Indra pointed out.

      Clarke silently chewed on the words, trying to think back to see if she had noticed a difference in Lexa in the recent weeks.  Sure, she had been doing better, at least until this evening when everything had seemed to come to a head.  She had been surprised at the level of openness and vulnerability the leader had shown her in the hut earlier.  She knew that what Lexa had told her had meant that Lexa must hold some deep level of trust in Clarke.  To be honest, Clarke hadn’t even thought about it, she had simply been focused on helping Lexa through the doubts that clouded her mind.

      “That being said, I see that you too care for her,” Indra continued, her words all too knowing.  “Heda was devastated at the loss of Costia.  I feared for a long time that we would never see the great Heda I had witnessed in power before.  But then, you walked into her tent and I saw the change in her immediately.  There was a spark of life in her eyes that I had not seen for quite some time.”

      “I never realized…,” Clarke murmured, looking down at her hands.

      “I do not believe she did at first either.  When she failed to leave the mountain until she knew of your fate, I knew that you were more than just an interest.  She had broken one of the most important lessons learned when you become Heda.”

      When Clarke just continued to stare at Indra in confusion, the woman leaned back slightly, huffing in frustration.

      “That night, refusing to leave, she chose her heart over her head.  When you are Heda, you can not allow your heart to rule your head or you open yourself up to your enemies,” Indra explained.

      “I don’t believe that to be true,” Clarke said, shaking her head.  “There needs to be a certain degree of emotion involved in decisions made as a leader or you can not decide what is in the best interest of the people.”

      “A few months ago, I would have disagreed with you,” Indra admitted.  “However, seeing how Heda has grown and developed as a leader since you retrieved her from Cage, I would say that you have improved on her best qualities.  You’ve helped her become the best leader that she can be.  She is still learning, still growing, but you are a positive influence on her.”

      Clarke was stunned at Indra’s words, the conversation they were having the least likely topic of conversation she had been anticipating.  

      “Uh…I don’t know what to say,” Clarke struggled for words, her mind blank save for the words that Indra had just spoken.

      “Finally, I have determined how to get you to quite down,” Indra declared.

      Clarke tried to find any hint of amusement in the other woman voice or face, finding none, she still smirked as Indra leaned forward.

      “Rest assured that while what I have said is true, this is also true: if you suddenly become a problem or a negative influence on the Commander, I will make it my personal duty to ensure that you do not remain that way for long.”  The threat was clear in Indra’s tone of voice and Clarke swallowed heavily.

      Indra was up and moving away before Clarke’s mind could even catch up with what she had said.

“Did I just get the ‘Don’t mess with her or I’ll mess with you’ speech?” she wondered out loud. 

      Shaking her head in amusement, Clarke turned back to watch the flames and replay what had just happened.  She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when her feelings for Lexa had changed, but she knew that they had.  She knew that everything that Indra had said was the truth, even if she couldn’t see it herself.  She settled back into her spot, still shaking her head in amusement at Indra, the least likely of all people, pulling the over-protective parent card on her.

 

**XXX**

 

      When she returned to the hut, she once again found Lexa asleep over the war table, a map clutched in her hand as she slept.  She moved to the woman, watching her sleep in silence for a moment before reaching out and gently shaking Lexa’s shoulder to wake her.  Lexa snapped up immediately, the map she had been holding falling to the ground.  Clarke watched as the startled look in her eyes disappeared the moment she realized it had been Clarke that had woken her up.

      “Hi,” she mumbled tiredly as she rubbed at her eyes.

      “Hey,” Clarke replied, smiling at her.  “You fell asleep at the table again.  If you don’t knock that off, you’re going to have back problems when you get older.”

      Lexa huffed out an unamused laugh.  “Most Commanders don’t get much older, Clarke.  I’ve already lived well past the point I should have.”

      Clarke simply stared at her until Lexa rolled her eyes and moved toward the bed.  “Ok, ok,” Lexa said throwing her hands up in mock surrender as smile tugged at her lips.

      “Do you ever talk about anything besides your death?” Clarke wondered aloud as she changed quickly and slipped into her bed alongside Lexa.  

      Lexa smiled, settling into Clarke’s arms.  “You are the one who brought up age, Clarke.  I was merely pointing out that no Commander has lived that long.”

      “Ever?” Clarke asked, surprised.  

      Lexa turned in her arms so that she was facing her.  “It is simply not feasible given the demands of our position and the constant war,” Lexa replied quietly.

      “I suppose that is true enough,” Clarke replied thoughtfully.  “I never really stopped to think about what my life expectancy may be now that we’re down here.”

      “Did your people live to old age in space?” Lexa asked curiously.

      “Some.  It varied, but many lived until their hair had turned grey and their skin became wrinkled,” Clarke replied, smiling slightly as a memory came to mind.  “My grandparents were the kindest people you’d ever met.  They lived until I was ten years old.  My grandpa got really sick that year and passed quickly.  When they went to float his body, my grandma chose to go with him because she couldn’t bear to live without him.  She loved him so much.”

      “I am sorry, Clarke,” Lexa said quietly as she took one of Clarke’s hands in her own.

      “I was sad for a long time.  And angry.  I didn’t understand how my grandma could choose to end her life like that, just give up.  As I got older, I realized how much she must have loved him and eventually understood her choice.  When they floated my dad, part of me wished I’d gone with him so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of losing him.  Part of me is still up there with him.”

      “I understand,” Lexa murmured as she brushed her hand up and down Clarke’s arm soothingly.

      “I know you do,” Clarke whispered.  “Are you ok?  About everything from before I mean?”

      “Yes.  I just needed some space to clear my mind.  I apologize for just walking away from you,” Lexa replied, fatigue evident in her voice.  

      “There’s no need to apologize.  I understand that need better than most.  I just wanted to ensure that you were ok,” Clarke replied sympathetically.

      “In time I will be,” Lexa assured her as her eyes fluttered closed. 

      “I know that too,” Clarke murmured as sleep overtook her as well.

 

**XXX**

 

      Both women were up early the next morning, both barely having time to bathe and eat before the first generals started to appear outside the hut.  Clarke had stood with Lexa for most of the morning, but as noon had rolled around, she had disappeared to take care of something.  As afternoon turned to evening and the sun began to sink toward the horizon, Lexa dismissed her generals early, only feeling slightly more comfortable with where they now stood.  Clarke had still not returned since she had left, and Lexa went in search of her.  She began walking towards town when she was met by the blonde herself half way there.  
****

      “Just the person I was looking for,” Clarke said with a smile as she approached Lexa.

      “I was about to say the same,” Lexa replied, a smile turning up a corner of her mouth.

      “Well I guess it’s meant to be then,” Clarke mused.  “Come on, I want to show you something.”

      “Is this what you’ve been sneaking away to work on?” Lexa asked, quirking an eyebrow.

      “It is,” Clarke replied deviously.  “I think you’ll like it though.”

      Lexa followed Clarke through town, the blonde only stopping to pick up food as they walked.  After a few minutes, they found themselves on the familiar path to the beach.

      “Your project is on the beach?” Lexa questioned, surprised.

      “You’ll just have to wait and see,” Clarke teased.

      They walked down the warm sand for a few minutes until a large outcropping of rocks appeared in the distance.

      “We’re going there,” Clarke announced, pointing at the dark form.

      Lexa simply nodded and continued walking.  The sun was hanging lower in the sky now, the burning star turning a deep red and casting colors across the sky.  It only took them a few more minutes to walk to the rocks, Lexa still wondering what Clarke had been doing all the time she had been missing.  As they came up to the rocks, Lexa watched as Clarke carefully picked her way across them, moving towards the end that disappeared into the sea, the waves splashing up over her feet. 

      “Clarke?  Where are you going?” Lexa called over the sound of the shore.

      “Do you trust me?” Clarke yelled back.

      “Of course I do,” Lexa replied, confused.

      “Then follow me,” Clarke shouted before turning back and disappearing from sight altogether.  

      Lexa watched a few more waves crash into the rocks before deciding that the risk of falling in and humiliating herself was worth it.  She quickly and skillfully picked her way across the slick rocks, quickly realizing why Clarke had disappeared so suddenly.  Once she’d reached the last rock before they disappeared into the ocean, she noticed a small opening to her right that appeared to tunnel into the rock formation, creating a three sided cove like area.  It was not very deep, but it was private and wide enough for at least four decent sized people to sit comfortably within.  The rocks circled overhead and on the sides, leaving only the view of the impending sunset within her sights.  The sand in the cove was dry, the tide not quite having reached up that far yet.  Lexa smiled when she saw Clarke sitting on a pile of furs she had clearly brought from the village.  She had begun setting up the food, picnic style, atop the furs as she had waited for Lexa to join her.  

      “About time, I thought you’d fallen in,” Clarke joked, as she watched Lexa take in the small area.

      “What is this?” Lexa asked in awe.

      “I found it walking one day.  We’ve both been stressed and I figured we could use a few hours just to ourselves to try and recharge,” Clarke replied shyly.  “I hope that’s ok.”

      Lexa answered by walking over to her and pulling her lips to her own.  The kiss was chaste but communicated exactly how grateful Lexa was for the time away and the thought Clarke had put into doing something for just the two of them.  She broke the kiss, turning around to watch as the sun finally began it’s descent below the horizon, the sky now on fire with color.  

      “There’s more once the sun sets,” Clarke revealed.  “But I figured we could eat in the meanwhile and watch the sunset.”

      Lexa simply nodded, her breath caught in her throat as she watched the dying rays of light playing with the blonde of Clarke’s hair, seemingly setting it on fire.  She was certain she had never seen anyone more beautiful, more radiant, in her life.  She still had no idea how the fates had allowed her to be so lucky and she would be sure to cherish every minute.  She sat and watched as the sun slowly descended and night crept in on them.  The food was delicious, as she had always found it to be with Luna’s people.  As the night took over fully, the stars came out in brilliance, but what really caught Lexa’s attention was how the ocean water had begun to faintly glow around the cove.

      “What’s going on with the water?” she asked as the glow began to grow in intensity.

      Clarke’s smile was wide, the spark of excitement clear in her eyes despite the dark.   “They’re called phytoplankton.  They’re bioluminescent.  Something in their structure allows them to glow in the water.  I noticed them out here the last time as well,” Clarke advised her, watching Lexa’s awe as the brunette moved closer to the water.  “I think the radiation has made them stronger, they’ll get brighter the longer we’re out here.”

      “It’s amazing,” Lexa breathed.  “It reminds me of the forests at home.”

      “Me too,” Clarke replied quietly, her voice tinged with the slightest bit of sadness at the thought of who she had been with the first time she had discovered the glowing foliage.

      Lexa moved to sit down behind Clarke, pulling the blonde back into her chest so that she could hold her.  Clarke sighed and relaxed into the feeling of security and contentless that Lexa always offered her, both of them quietly observing the water as the bluish hues grew brighter and brighter.  Lexa brushed back Clarke’s hair and placed a kiss on her temple.

      “This is perfect,” she murmured in the blonde’s ear.  “Thank-you.”

      “I knew you would love it,” Clarke replied, smiling once more.  “Just one more thing.”

      “One more thing?” Lexa said surprised.  “How could there possibly be more?”

      “Look up.”

      Lexa stared at Clarke confused for a moment, until Clarke smiled and pointed up.  Lexa’s gaze followed the direction her finger was pointing and she couldn’t stop the quiet gasp that escaped her lips.  The entire ceiling of the cave was glowing, a painted mural of the night sky shining brilliantly in the dark.  Lexa stared in wonder at the galaxies Clarke had painted, picking up a few of the constellations that she had learned from the elders in Polis or from the books she’d read.  She had never seen anything so intricate or beautiful.  No drawing, painting, or picture had ever done the night sky justice as Clarke had.  She stood to get closer to the work, walking further back into the cove.  Her eyes wide, she ran her hands over the painted stars, surprised when none of the paint came off on her hands.  She turned to face Clarke, who was now also standing and shuffling her feet nervously.

      “How…?” Lexa managed to get out.

      “Luna.  She helped me use the phytoplankton to create a glowing paint that would show up at night,” Clarke revealed.  “I know you talk to Costia, believing her to be among the stars.  I think the same about my dad.  I just wanted you to have something that was closer, more tangible, if only temporarily.”

      Clarke moved over to the right side of the cove, her fingers tracing over a constellation.  "This one here, this one I did specifically for you," she said as her fingers traced the clear pattern of a figure holding a sword.  "I named it 'Costia' after the woman you loved and the great warrior."

      Clarke returned to looking at her feet once more, drawing patterns in then sand before her.  She looked up after a moment, hope burning in her eyes as the painted ceiling glowed around her.

      “Do you like it?” she asked tentatively, as though unsure of her work.

      “Clarke, I love it,” Lexa replied, walking over to the blonde and pulling her into a fierce hug.  

      When she pulled back, Clarke could see the tears in Lexa’s eyes, and the gratitude.  There was something more, something Clarke knew was reflected in her own eyes, something that neither was truly ready to confront or voice.  Before she could overthink it, she was closing the distance between them, her lips meeting Lexa’s gently.  She pulled on Lexa’s hips, closing the gap between their bodies as well, and when they broke the kiss, a different hunger was burning in both their eyes.  Both women’s cheeks were flushed and Clarke could see that Lexa’s pupils were blown wide with desire. 

      Neither needed to speak as Lexa took her hand and led her back to the furs.  Clarke immediately moved over top of Lexa, supporting herself on an elbow placed at the other woman’s head.  She stared down at the Commander, the all powerful leader that was trusting her enough with this moment and she brushed a few errant strands of hair out of her face, trying to memorize this moment for all eternity.  Lexa stared carefully up at her, as though still trying to be sure that this was what Clarke truly wanted.  Clarke was taken aback by the pure care that she could see written across Lexa’s features, her breath stopping short.  Suddenly, the unidentified emotion she’d been seeing in Lexa’s eyes for weeks as she’d looked at her was apparent, unrevealed in all it’s glory solely for her.  Lexa loved her, of that she was sure, and she knew without thinking about it, that she had somehow fallen herself.

      “Clarke…”  It was barely a whisper, barely audible, but it was the last brick in the dam and Clarke was moving before the word had disappeared in the space between them.

      This time, their kiss was anything but chaste.  There was a hunger burning through both of them, one that left fire in every touch, every caress, every kiss.  Their lips pushed against each other, battling for dominance, both finding themselves on equal ground.  Clarke moved against Lexa as they kissed, one hand disappearing under the hem of Lexa’s shirt to cup a firm breast as Lexa’s thigh found it’s way between Clarke’s legs.  Clarke moaned and stilled at the sudden pressure, Lexa taking advantage of her parted lips to deepen the kiss before moving her hands to grip at Clarke’s hips.  She pulled Clarke down against her thigh, causing the blonde to grind down on her and resulting in an even deeper moan from the blonde.  

      Taking advantage of Clarke’s momentary distraction, she quickly rolled Clarke over, switching their positions.  Her leg quickly found its way between Clarke’s legs once more and she shudder at the heat and the wetness she could already feel seeping through.  She quickly pulled off her own shirt, Clarke’s hands running up her muscled sides until they reached the bindings over her breasts.  Carefully, Clarke removed them and exposed her breasts to the warm night air.  Lexa leaned down and slowly pushed Clarke’s shirt up, placing kisses on each newly revealed inch of skin.  She paused at each scar, pressing a chaste kiss to each one before moving on.  She was pleasantly surprised to find that Clarke had chosen not to wear her bindings and she quickly removed Clarke’s shirt completely.  

Lexa paused as she knelt over Clarke's form, cocking her head to one side as though listing for something. 

"What are you doing?" Clarke asked curiously, confused.

"Waiting to see if our resident vag-blocker is going to make his presence known. If so, I don't want to get any more worked up than I already am," Lexa replied, still frozen in place. 

Clarke reached up and slid her hands over Lexa's, pulling on them gently. "Please, continue," she practically growled. "We're alone out here."

      Grinning at the now completely exposed torso of the blonde, Lexa leaned down, her lips running over each of Clarke’s breasts in turn, causing the nipples to pucker and Clarke to shudder beneath her.  Her hands took the place of her mouth on Clarke’s breasts, her long fingers giving each breast adequate attention as she trailed kisses down Clarke’s lean midsection.  Each press of her lips against Clarke’s skin caused the fire in the pit of Clarke’s stomach to burn hotter, more out of control.  Lexa bit gently into Clarke’s milky skin and then soothed the sting with her tongue as she moved lower and lower.  Clarke was writhing underneath her, her neck and face flush as Lexa’s hands moved to the waistband of the pants she was wearing.

      Breaking away from what she was doing, Lexa looked up once more to ensure that Clarke was truly on the same page, not intending to pressure her into anything.  Clarke raised her head from the furs and looked Lexa square in the eyes as she nodded furiously, granting Lexa permission to continue.  Gently, and in much the same manner as her shirt, Lexa pulled Clarke’s pants down her legs, inch by inch.  Her mouth followed their progress, down one leg and back up the other once the pants had been removed completely.  All that remained between her and where Clarke so desperately wanted her was a thin barrier of cloth that stood as Clarke’s undergarments.  Lexa gently pulled at the underwear, Clarke lifting her hips off the ground to assist her.  Lexa nearly groaned as Clarke was laid fully exposed before her, the juncture where her legs met clearly wet in anticipation.  

      Lexa slipped her thigh back between Clarke’s legs as she moved to kiss the blonde once more.  She shuddered as Clarke’s heat and slickness moved against her thigh, the feel of it immediately causing her own desire to pool in her core.  Her kiss swollen lips moved down Clarke’s body once more before reaching the juncture of her thighs once again.  She gently pulled Clarke’s legs apart and paused just long enough for Clarke to look down at her before moving her mouth to cover that most sensitive part Clarke had to offer.  Clarke gasped as Lexa’s tongue flattened and then moved against her clit, the bundle of nerves responding immediately by sending shockwaves of pleasure through her system.  She curled her hands in Lexa’s hair, pulling her closer to where she needed her, and opened her thighs wider to give Lexa better access.  She moaned as Lexa’s tongue teased her opening, circling the lips of her vagina before plunging into the folds with an unimaginable but overwhelmingly pleasing force.  Lexa’s thumb took the place of her tongue on Clarke’s clit, working in sporadic circles as her tongue continued it’s in-and-out motion into her folds.  

      Clarke had not been touched in so long and she could feel the tension coiling in her stomach rapidly.  Lexa had moved one of her arms to press down over her hips so that Clarke could not buck against her and the lack of motion was killing Clarke.  She was impatient to reach her peak, and Lexa could sense that, forcing Clarke to build slowly.  Clarke pulled on Lexa’s hair once more to indicate to the brunette that she wished for a faster pace, and Lexa responded by slipping a finger inside of her.  Clarke bucked against the sudden presence, her moan of pleasure coming out as a gasp at the suddenly new sensation.  Lexa worked her finger furiously, plunging into Clarke as her mouth moved back up to cover Clarke’s sensitive clit.  Her teeth nipped ever so gently at the bundle, again causing Clarke to buck against her.  Once she was sure Clarke was accustomed to the feel of her inside, Lexa added another finger, immediately feeling Clarke’s walls beginning to tighten around her fingers.  She gave Clarke what she desperately wanted, moving curling the fingers inside her as she used the heel of her hand to create friction against Clarke’s clit.  It only took a few thrust before Clarke was unraveling beneath her, crying out in satisfaction as her body shook with each wave of pleasure.  Lexa gently brought her back down, the grin on her face stretching wide as Clarke fought to catch her breath.  

      “That…was…amazing,” she managed to finally gasp out after a few minutes, her body still twitching every now and then with a residual wave of pleasure.  

      Lexa merely smiled once more as her hand traced patterns on Clarke’s stomach.  “You’re beautiful,” she murmured against Clarke’s neck as she placed a line of kisses there.

      She felt Clarke laugh breathlessly against her.  “As are you.”

      Before she knew what was happening, Lexa was being pushed onto her back as Clarke straddled her.  She gasped at the feel of Clarke’s wet heat against her stomach, the sensation immediately causing the fire in her own stomach to burn hotter and pool between her thighs. 

      “My turn,” Clarke said, grinning deviously as she bent her head over Lexa’s breasts and took one in her mouth.  

      She sucked on it, her tongue playing with the nipple until it was firm and puckered before moving onto the other one.  She dragged her lips over each of Lexa’s scars, which were far more numerous than her own.  Each scar was slightly lighter than the surrounding tanned skin, as though a shining beacon of every close call, every miscalculation, every lucky shot.  Clarke methodically made her way lower and lower until she too reached to waistline of Lexa’s pants.  Hooking her fingers in both the pants and underwear that Lexa was wearing, Clarke tugged, pulling them off swiftly and skillfully.  

      Where Lexa had been slow and teasing, Clarke was quick and sure.  Each touch was intentional, each kiss well placed to drive Lexa insane.  Lexa gasped as two fingers entered her without warning and began to thrust in an out of her.  Clarke drove deep before pulling out, repeating the motion with added vigor in each thrust.  Lexa was nearing her peak as her body tensed beneath Clarke, her head thrown back, hands clenched into fists, and toes curled.  Just as she felt she was about to reach her limit, Clarke suddenly withdrew from her completely, leaving her frustrated and unsatisfied.  Picking her head up, she glared playfully at the blonde who was just grinning back at her knowingly.  

      “Didn’t think I’d let you get off that easy, did you?” she asked playfully as she pushed Lexa’s legs over her shoulders.

      “I was hoping,” Lexa gasped breathlessly.  

      Lexa sucked in a breath as she felt Clarke’s mouth press to her core, the sensation of Clarke’s tongue pressing into her folds nearly causing her to fall over the edge right then and there.  She quickly tangled her hands in Clarke’s hair but did not move the girls head, content with Clarke’s current ministrations.  Her tongue worked against Lexa’s core tirelessly, building her up once more.  Just as she felt she had reached her peak once more, Clarke’s fingers dove into her suddenly.  Clarke curled them at just the right spot, pressing up against the spongy portion of her inner wall and throwing her violently over the edge.  Lexa’s climax was silent, the girl’s whole body tensing with the waves of pleasure that rolled through her.  Clarke left her fingers and mouth in place, prolonging the pleasure and eventually sending Lexa into a second orgasm. 

      As Lexa’s body twitched in satisfaction, Clarke held her hips down with her free hand, leaving her fingers inside the brunette and gently thrusting in and out as Lexa came down from her peak.  After a few more minutes, Clarke withdrew her fingers completely and curled around Lexa’s now sweat slicked body.  She rested her head on Lexa’s chest, listening to her strong and steady heartbeat.  Clarke’s fingers traced the pattern of the tattoo on Lexa’s bicep, more relaxed and content than she had ever remembered being.  As Lexa began to get her breathing under control, she placed a kiss on top of Clarke’s head as she stared up at the still glowing ceiling.

      “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered and Clarke’s hand stilled against her arm.

      Clarke turned her face up to look at Lexa, confusion coloring her features.  “It is I who does not deserve you,” she replied finally.  “Since neither of us deserves anything, I guess it’s fitting that we have each other.”

      Lexa smiled at that, leaning down to kiss Clarke’s lips, the feature of the blonde that was quickly becoming her favorite.  

      “Well, since we’re both here and undeserving, we might as well take advantage of the time we have been afforded,” Lexa replied, grinning.

      She felt Clarke grin against her chest as she moved to roll over on top of Clarke once more.  “I believe you have some catching up to do,” Lexa said quirking a brow.

      Clarke’s responding laugh was lost to a kiss as Lexa leaned down to capture her lips with her own.  

 

**XXX**

 

      They were making their way back up the beach, hand in hand, when Luna came running down the beach toward them.

      “Where have you two been?!” she exclaimed, her face a mixture of worry and resignation.  “I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

      Lexa could feel the color creeping into her cheeks as Luna stared her down and a glance at Clarke revealed the blonde smiling goofily at the Boat Leader.

      “We were…busy,” Clarke replied honestly, her smile widening when she saw the color in Lexa’s cheeks deepen.

      “Well while you were ‘busy’, Raven lost contact with your mother in Arkadia.  She seems worried and sent for you,” Luna replied, rolling her eyes as she turned to walk quickly back towards the village.  

      Clarke’s smile disappeared as worry overtook her own features and she moved to quickly follow Luna, Lexa squeezing her hand reassuringly.  They made it to Raven’s (new) hut in record time, slightly out of breath after exerting themselves. 

      “Home base, this is Raven.  Come in, over.”  There was a blast of static from the radio that Raven was transmitting on, the only answer from Arkadia.  

      “How long have they been out of touch?” Clarke asked, fear creeping into her voice at the look on Raven’s face.

      “Over an hour now,” Raven replied, tossing the radio down on the table and cradling her head in her hands.  

      Luna moved over to her, placing a hand on her back and rubbing soothing circles into it.  Raven visibly relaxed at the touch, letting out a deep sigh as she sat back up.  Luna’s hand stayed on the small of her back.

      “What makes you think there is an issue?  Maybe something got messed up and they can’t transmit,” Lexa suggested hopefully.

      “I was talking to Abby.  I heard gunfire and then there was only static,” Raven replied.  “I think they’re in trouble.”

      Clarke moved to pick up the radio, the fear clear in her harried movements.  “Mom, come in.  Mom, it’s Clarke.  Do you read me?  Does anyone read me?”

      Static answered back before someone finally keyed up the other radio.  Clarke’s face lit up with hope as she realized someone was trying to transmit.

      “Mom?” she asked hopefully.

      There was a pause before the person on the other side answered.

      “Not exactly, _Wanheda_ ,” came a familiar voice.

      Lexa watched the color drain from Clarke’s face, the hope that had been blossoming there only moments ago shattering into a thousand pieces.  

      “Nia,” Clarke whispered.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My sincerest apologies for making everyone wait so long for this. The new job has been keeping me extremely busy and killed my desire to write. To make it up to you all, this one is 10,000+ words and there should be another chapter hot on its heels. I've got a lot happening over the next couple weeks personally, so I'm trying to post what I've got. Hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think by dropping me a comment here or on my tumblr (also Phoenix_Rises_Again).
> 
> As far as this story goes, we're nearing the end rapidly. Probably only a couple more chapters left if what I'm planning works out. We'll see! Enjoy!

      Lexa watched as Clarke’s hand tightened around the radio, her whole demeanor instantly darkening as her eyes flashed with anger.

      “What do you want?” Clarke spat into the radio.

      Lexa tensed as a familiar shrill cackle made it’s way through the radio.  

      “Oh, _child_ ,” Nia mocked.  “It is really a question of what _you_ want.”

      Clarke stared at the radio in her hand, confused.  “What do you mean?”

      The radio was silent for a minute, the air in the hut thick with tension.  Finally, there was a crackle of static and then a timid voice broke through.

      “Clarke?”

      “Mom?”  Lexa watched as fear overtook Clarke’s face, her blue eyes going wide at the sound of Abby’s voice.

      “Clarke!  Don’t help them! Don’t do anything-”  Clarke clutched desperately at the radio in her hand as Abby’s transmission was cut off.

      “Mom!” Clarke called into the little box, fear creeping into her voice when she didn’t receive a response.  “Mom!  Answer me!”

      Finally after a prolonged moment of silence, Nia’s familiar voice filtered back through the radio.

      “Oh, Wanheda,”  Nia chided, distaste clear in her tone.  “You have been regaled as the ‘Commander of Death’ since your victory at the mountain.  Let us see if you truly live up to that name.”

      Lexa’s jaw clenched in anger, as her eyes flashed to Clarke’s.  She saw the knowing look behind them and knew immediately that Clarke also understood what was coming.

      “Name your terms,” Clarke demanded angrily, her temper barely controlled as her knuckles turned white around the radio.

      “Well, they’re quite simple, actually,” Nia taunted.  “You for your mother.”

      Everyone in the hut shook their heads vehemently at the words, their decision already made.  They knew that Clarke could never trust or agree to anything Nia said.  The woman could not be trusted.

      “We’ll find another way, Clarke,” Raven reassured quietly.

      Clarke looked as though she was weighing the decision in her head, debating the pros and cons.  Lexa watched as Clarke began to pace around the hut, frustration present in every weighted step she took.

      “What of the rest of my people?” Clarke asked, trying to gain more time to think.

      “Now, now.  You and I both know that you no longer belong to any people, Wanheda,” Nia returned quickly.  “You left Skaikru and you betrayed Azgeda the day you saved that worthless girl.”

      Clarke froze mid-pace, her spine stiffening in anger at the mention of Lexa.  “Don’t you dare speak about her.  You’ll never even be a quarter the leader that she is.”

      A cold and cruel laugh came across the radio and it echoed around the hut, further antagonizing the women gathered in the space.

      “Fine then.  You put so much value in one person, I’ll give you every person I now hold prisoner for you and her.  Do this for me, and I may even be convinced to forgive your betrayal and free you.”

      Clarke met Lexa’s gaze, giving her a shake of the head to indicate that she wasn’t even considering the offer.  Lexa was both relieved and saddened by that fact.  She knew in that moment that she would willingly sacrifice herself for Clarke, without a second thought.  On the other hand, she also knew that it was only a short term solution for the problem that Nia and the Azgeda posed.  Her death would only bring temporary relief before Nia moved to annihilate all of her opposition permanently.  The choice to sacrifice herself for the safety of Clarke would be an emotional choice that would not necessarily result in the most good, even if she could die with the satisfaction of knowing Clarke was safe.

      “You really expect me to believe that you would free everyone for two people?”  Clarke scoffed.  “Try again, Nia.”

      “I give you my word, girl.  Lexa and you for everyone else,” Nia repeated.

      “Your word means _nothing_ to me.  I would never help you get to Lexa.  I’ll never give her up to you,” Clarke replied, resuming her pacing.

      “Then you have doomed everyone you’ve ever cared for to a painful death, starting with the girl I know is standing right beside you,” Nia threatened, her voice going cold once more.

      “Listen here, you callous _bitch_.  If you touch _anyone_ , I will kill you,” Clarke vowed angrily.  “There will be no safe place for you to hide.”

      There was a prolonged beat of tense silence in the hut as they all held their breath and waited for Nia’s response.  “That was very stupid, Wanheda,” Nia seethed.  “You have made your choice and your mother will pay for it.”

      Clarke froze once more as she heard blood curdling screams echo in the back of Nia’s transmissions.  There was no doubt in her mind that it was Abby making the sounds; Clarke had heard them in her nightmares nearly every night since Mount Weather.

      “Your mother will pay every time you do not do as I demand.  I will cut into her until every last drop of blood seeps into the earth and soaks the ground red.  When I finish with her, I’ll be sure to move onto someone else you care for,” Nia promised as another scream was ripped from Abby in the background.  “Love is your weakness, and I will use it however I need to in order to get what I want.  If you don’t believe me, simply ask Lexa what happened to those that she once loved.”

      Clarke met Lexa’s eyes and she knew instantly that her eyes reflected the same burning rage she could see in Lexa’s.  Her jaw was clenched so tightly in anger, Clarke was sure it may break.  Before she could respond, Lexa had moved to her side and taken the radio from her.  Holding it up, she depressed the button to speak.

      “Em pleni, natrona,” Lexa’s voice was dangerously low, a tone that Clarke had never heard her use but that sent chills tumbling down her spine.  “You are not prepared for the war that is about to befall you.  I will take personal pleasure in watching the life drain from your body.”

      “Ah, Lexa,” Nia sneered.  “I knew you would be close by.  You know my terms and conditions.  Meet them and this,” she paused as another bone chilling scream carried through, “will all stop.”

      “We will never give into your demands, but I assure you that you’ll be begging for death when we find you and there will be no mercy,” Lexa promised.

      Nia laughed once more, the sound grating against Lexa’s already thinly controlled temper.  “We shall see about that.”

      With that, the sharp noise of static was all that echoed in the hut.  Lexa dropped the radio onto the table in front of her before turning to face Clarke, who was still visibly pale.

      “Clarke…,” Lexa began, but the blonde shook her head violently.

      “I can’t,” was all she managed to get out before she left without another word.

      “Clarke!” Lexa called, moving to follow her out. 

      “Let her take a moment, Lex,” Luna said, moving to stand in her way.  “She’s got a lot to sort through.”

      Lexa sighed and ran a hand through her hair.  “I know.  It’s an impossible choice, one that I know she’s likely not willing to make.”

      “If I know anything about Clarke Griffin, it’s that she can make the hard choices,” Raven stated, moving to tinker with something on her makeshift workbench.  “She’ll sacrifice herself for those she loves before anything, so just watch her.”

      Lexa nodded in agreement before settling down opposite to Raven.  “Luna, gather the leaders and tell them to meet in my hut in a half hours time.  We move out at first light.”

      “Are we ready for that?” Luna asked, doubt creeping into her voice.

      “Probably not, but our hand has been forced,” Lexa acknowledged reluctantly.  “If we don’t, Clarke will get herself killed, just like Raven says.”

      “Mhm,” was all that came from the mechanic as she was bent over some type of metallic canister. 

      “Consider it done then,” Luna replied as she moved out of the hut as well.

      Lexa and Raven sat in silence for a few minutes, the only sound was that of Raven’s tools against the metal she was currently bending.  Lexa felt slightly uncomfortable, knowing that her relationship with Raven was strained on its best days.  She knew Raven would likely never forgive her for what had happened with Finn, but Lexa would never regret a decision that benefited her people.  Finn had murdered innocent people, kids.  His actions demanded punishment and Lexa would never deny her people their due. 

      “What I told Clarke was true,” Raven said suddenly, pulling Lexa from her thoughts.  “We’ll figure something out.  We always do.”

      “I hope you’re right,” Lexa replied quietly, allowing doubt color her tone for the first time.

      “I mean, I’m usually always right so…,” Raven pointed out, a smirk on her face as she remained concentrated on the piece in front of her. 

      When Lexa didn’t respond, Raven looked up to see the Grounder leader lost in thought, worry evident in her features.  Raven sighed and put her tools down. 

      “Listen, I know we don’t have the best…relationship.  Frankly, I’m not sure I could ever forgive you, but I am sure of one thing,” Raven started, spinning a screwdriver in her hand as she spoke.  “You make Clarke the happiest I’ve ever seen her down here.”

      When Lexa met her gaze, she could tell the mechanic was being completely honest with her.  Lexa looked down at her hands as they lay in her lap, heat creeping up her cheeks under Raven’s gaze.  Not usually one to be at a loss for words, Lexa struggled to come up with a response.  Before she could, Raven was speaking once more.

      “I can tell that she makes you happy as well.  You’re a lot less serious all the time with her around.  A little less scary.”  Raven turned back to what she was working on, bending the ends of what now had the distinct shape of a small canister.  “Just promise you’ll keep her safe, even from herself.”

      “I promise to do my best,” Lexa replied seriously, recognizing how difficult it must be for Raven to give Lexa her blessing.  “Thank-you for trusting me to be with her.”

      “She’s become a very close friend in the time we’ve been down here, I just want her to be happy,” Lexa nodded at Raven’s words, watching as the mechanic shuffled over to the welding gear at her next table.

      Lexa took that as her cue to leave, standing to move out of the hut.  

      “Hey Commander?” she heard Raven call as she reached the door.  She turned to face the girl, wondering what else was left to be said.  “If you hurt her again, my specialty is making things blow up.  Catch my drift?”

      Lexa stood stunned for a moment before giving Raven a nod of understanding.  The other girl smirked and pulled the mask over her face before firing up the blow torch in her hand.  Lexa exited the hut quickly, not looking to test Raven’s words.  She shook her head in amusement as she quickly made her way back to her hut, hoping to find Clarke along the way.  She knew the mechanic’s threat wasn’t empty, but she also didn’t take the words personally.  Raven was simply trying to protect someone that she loved.  Lexa could certainly appreciate that and was grateful that Clarke had friends that cared so deeply for her.

      She checked the training area and the beach with no luck and assumed Clarke must have headed back to their hut for the privacy.  Pushing the door open, she found Clarke hastily shoving items into her satchel, swords already slung across the backs of her shoulders.

      “Clarke.”  Lexa spoke quietly but knew that Clarke would have heard her.  

      The blonde froze, her back to Lexa.  Lexa took a step closer to the other woman, watching as Clarke’s shoulders tensed at the sound of the movement.

      “Clarke, what are you doing?” Lexa asked gently, though she already knew the answer.

      “What does it look like I’m doing?” Clarke retorted harshly as she moved to continue stuffing things in the satchel.  “I’m going to save my people.”

      “Clarke, please.  Be reasonable.  It is late and you are not thinking clearly,” Lexa pointed out, watching as Clarke increased rather than ceased her movements.  

      “Of course I’m not thinking clearly!  That bitch is torturing my mother!” Clarke exclaimed angrily, finally turning to face Lexa.  

      There was a fresh rage burning in Clarke’s eyes, something that Lexa had not seen in the blonde since their first days in the pauna’s lair.  She clenched her jaw slightly as that anger was directed at her, Clarke advancing at her with her fists balled up at her sides, satchel forgotten.  She watched as Clarke shrugged off her swords, the blades falling to the ground with a loud clatter that echoed around the hut.  

      “Clarke-,” Lexa began, but was cut off.

      “No, don’t try and stop me, Lexa.  I need to do this.  I need to save her and save them.”  Clarke was standing directly in front of her now, only inches separating them from each other as Clarke breathed heavily in anger.  “I would have thought that of all people, you would understand what happens to those you love when Nia gets ahold of them.”

      Clarke watched as Lexa visibly flinched at the words, as though Clarke had physically struck her.  Instead of backing off or lashing back in anger, Clarke watched the brunette’s jaw work back and forth as she fought to maintain her composure.  Clarke knew it was a low blow, but she just wanted Lexa to let her go without a fight.  She was barely going to have the energy to leave Lexa, to leave her behind while she headed to what she knew was a certain death.  She knew that if Lexa asked her to stay, to wait and figure out another way, she would.  She couldn’t afford to do that; her mother couldn’t afford for her to do that.

      Clarke spun away from the brunette, working to reign in her anger.  She was overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated and the swirl of emotions was threatening to swallow her whole before she could finish what she needed to.  She placed her hands on the edge of the table before her, gripping them so tightly, the skin over her knuckles strained and turned white.  Lexa knew exactly what Clarke was trying to do; push her away so that she would allow her to leave, allow her to go sacrifice herself.  She would be damned if she allowed such a thing.  Instead of allowing the anger at Clarke’s remark overtake her, she swallowed it and walked over to the blonde.

      “Clarke, please talk to me,” Lexa plead quietly, placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder.

      She heard rather than felt Clarke take a shuddering breath in, the blonde careful to keep her back turned to Lexa.  The silence stretched out between them, Lexa patiently waiting for Clarke to gather herself.  After a few minutes, Clarke finally turned to face her and Lexa’s eyes widened in sympathy as she saw the silent tears still tracking down Clarke’s face.  Without thinking, Lexa moved closer and gently drew Clarke into the space between her arms, Clarke instinctively resting her head against Lexa’s chest as she gripped at Lexa.  Lexa held her as she felt the other girl shaking against her, silent sobs wracking her body as her tears soaked into Lexa’s shirt.  Lexa just hugged her closer, running a hand through her blonde hair as she tried to soothe her.  Eventually, she felt the woman in her arms beginning to calm down, muffled sniffles coming from where Clarke’s face rested against her now soaked shirt.

      Pulling her head away slightly and wiping at her face with her hands, Clarke gave Lexa a faint smile before sighing.  “I’m sorry I got your shirt all wet and for what I said about Costia.  That was uncalled for.”

      Lexa smiled in response, not surprised that of all things, that her shirt was what Clarke had chosen to worry about.  She knew that Clarke was just trying to avoid thinking about what Nia had said earlier and the impossible choice that now rested on her shoulders.   

      “Don’t be.  I understand what you’re trying to do, what you’re going through.  The shirt is the least of my worries,” Lexa murmured as she brushed a stray tear off Clarke’s cheek.  “I’m only worried about you.”

       Clarke chuckled humorlessly, putting more space between her an Lexa.  “I can’t have you worrying about me, we have bigger problems,” Clarke replied as she ran a hand through her hair.  “I will be fine, this isn’t anything I haven’t handled before.  You’re right.  It would be reckless to leave now, in the middle of the night.  We both need to be rested and focused.”

      “This is different.  This is your mother, your closest friends,” Lexa tried to reason.  “It is a very difficult situation to be put in; one that very few people would understand.  However, I can sense that there is something bigger bothering you, something even more difficult you are having trouble coming to terms with.”

      Silence stretched between them once more as Clarke worried her bottom lip before pushing completely out of Lexa’s embrace.  She watched as Clarke moved over to the war table, her back turned to Lexa once more, her nervous hands shuffling the papers that they found there.  Lexa moved to sit on the bed, watching as Clarke organized and reorganized maps without actually paying attention to what she was doing, the only noise in the hut that of the shifting parchment.  Finally, Lexa heard her heave a heavy sigh, as though every regret had been placed within it.

      “She wants _you_ ,” Clarke finally whispered, the pain carried in the simple words enough to make Lexa’s heart ache.  “She already has my mother and nearly every other person I care for.  Still, she demands more…demands the one person that I know I could never give her.  That’s the part that scares me- that for just a single moment, I contemplated doing whatever it takes to keep you here with me, safe and unharmed, even if that was achieved at the expense of others.”

      Lexa remained silent, recognizing that Clarke was not yet finished and quite sure that she would be unable to speak regardless.

      “I think Nia always knew that I’d never give you over to her.  Probably since the day she found out it was me who saved you in that arena,”  Clarke huffed out a mirthless laugh as she angrily balled up a piece of paper in her hand.  “I wasted so much time being angry with you for the choices I believed I was forced to make.  With time, I’ve come to realize that the decision to kill those people was my own, that I’m the only one responsible for pulling that lever.”

      Clarke finally turned and moved to sit next to Lexa on the bed, still avoiding Lexa’s eyes as she continued to speak.  “I even think some deep and buried part of me knew that when I saw you tied to that post, strung up to die.  I think that’s part of the reason I couldn’t just leave you there, despite my brain screaming at me to let you pay for what you’d done, that you deserved whatever was coming.”  

      Clarke swallowed audibly as Lexa reached out and took her hand in her own.  She interlaced their fingers and gave Clarke’s hand a gentle squeeze, silently supporting her.  Clarke slowly moved to lean against Lexa, resting her head on the other woman’s shoulder. 

      “Now though, the idea of you not being in my life…the thought scares me more than I’d like to admit.  You’ve unwittingly become this huge part of my life without me even realizing it,” Clarke revealed, her eyes meeting Lexa’s for the first time since she’d begun speaking.  “That is what is dangerous about this whole situation; allowing my heart to rule over my head is almost an appealing thought if it means I get to keep you.  ”

      With that, Clarke sighed heavily and placed her head back on Lexa’s shoulder, seemingly having said everything that she needed to.  Lexa sat silently, trying to process everything Clarke had said as her thumb traced soothing circles into the back of Clarke’s hand.  Her heart ached for the girl sitting next to her, knowing first hand the difficulties of being put in the position Clarke now found herself in.  Lexa stiffened as she realized that Clarke had inexorably wormed her way into her heart and mind, finding purchase and growing roots.  She knew that she was just as keen to hang onto Clarke as Clarke was to hold onto her.  She had no idea when that had occurred, when she believed herself worthy of being cared for and being able to care for someone in return, but she knew that Clarke was to be credited with that.  She moved an arm to wrap around Clarke’s shoulders, pulling the woman closer as she placed a kiss atop her head.

      “My heart rules my head in regards to you as well,” Lexa confessed, her voice filled with emotion.

      Clarke seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at the words, as though she had been unsure of Lexa’s own feelings and that they may not be reciprocated.  

      “So what do we do now?” Clarke asked, hating the way her voice still wavered.

      “Save your mother,” Lexa replied simply, as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

      Clarke chuckled and rolled her eyes.  “Obviously.  I meant how,” she said teasingly.As if on cue, there was a faint knock on their door and Luna popped her head in.

      “Lex, the Clan Leaders are here,” she called before closing the door once more.

      “We’ll figure this out Clarke.  We’ll leave at first light tomorrow morning, whether we have a solid plan or not,” Lexa assured.

      Clarke pushed up to look at her, appearing as though she may argue, but Lexa leaned down and placed a kiss on her lips before she could.  

      “Save your arguments for around the table,” Lexa murmured knowingly against her lips.

      “Fine,” Clarke agreed reluctantly before she stood and moved toward the bath area of the hut.  “I’ll be out in a minute if you want to see them in.”

      Lexa watched as Clarke disappeared through the doorway and sighed, running a hand through her own hair as she stood.  Moving to the door to allow the Clan Leaders entry, she pondered on what type of plan she thought they’d be able to come up with now when they hadn’t been able to formulate anything concrete for the past few days.  As much as she loved Clarke, she feared that the blonde was eventually going to have to make yet another decision that she would struggle living with; one that may destroy her.  She froze with her hand on the door as she realized what had just run through her head.  

      _Whoa.  Love?_ She loved Clarke?  _Yes._   Lexa knew without a doubt the second she’d thought it, it was true.  It fit like the title “Commander” fit on her shoulders, something that was inevitable yet nonetheless true.  It was natural, as though she’d spent her entire life loving Clarke and only now had a word to describe that feeling.  A grin broke across her face as she ran the word though her mind once more.  She _loved_ Clarke.  Her grin widened for a moment before she was struggling to bring her features under control so that she wasn’t smiling like a fool when she opened to door to her most battle hardened generals.  It took another minute and she knew that the smile had not been completely erased, but she knew that no matter how hard she tried, the shadow of it would remain on her lips. 

      She opened the door, nodding at each of her generals in turn as they filtered in, Octavia, Lincoln, Indra, and Kai all following behind.  She watched as they gathered around the table, a few of their eyes wandering to the two beds still sitting side by side on the other end of the hut, but no one made mention of it.  Lexa knew they wouldn’t.  They would never dare question anything in their Heda’s personal life as long as it did not affect her duty to her people as Commander.  Glancing up, she saw Clarke emerge from the bath area, looking fresh and as though the last hour had no effect on her.  Her eyes met Clarke’s and she couldn’t help the small smile that graced her lips as she nodded in acknowledgement at the blonde.  Clearing her throat, she turned back to those at the table as Clarke joined them. 

      “Nia has attacked our allies, Skaikru, storming their village.  We are done making plans, we move out at first light.”

      She looked around at the leaders gathered in front of her as she spoke, gauging each of their reactions.  She saw many mixed emotions; confusion, surprise, hesitation, anger, and agreement.  She could feel Clarke’s eyes on her as she spoke, giving her the silent courage to carry on.

      “All of you decided to support me, despite the stories that you heard.  Do not think your loyalty is lost on me.  Skaikru pledged allegiance with us again, despite the events that unfolded at Mount Weather.  We can not allow the same thing to happen once again.  We must show them what it means to be Grounders!”  Lexa’s voice had picked up in both volume and insistence as she spoke, spurred on by the rapid nodding of the people in front of her.  “Marshall your forces!  We move out tomorrow!  Kom wor!”

      She allowed a half smile as the battle cry was repeated back to her, conviction ringing out in each of the voices around her.  She nodded, silently dismissing the men and women to gather those of their people who would be fighting.  Luna was the last to leave, Clarke excusing herself to speak with Octavia outside once Lexa had finished speaking.  

     “So, we’re going in half-cocked with no concrete plan just hoping that something works out?”  Luna questioned as she fiddled with one of the maps before her, not quite meeting Lexa’s eyes.

      Lexa sighed, knowing this was an inevitable conversation.  “We’ve been strategizing for days with no concrete plan.  Nia has overstepped her bounds once more, and we can not continue to allow transgressions such as those to go unanswered any longer.”

      “I agree.  I just want to make sure that we’re all going into this with clear heads, no distractions.  Distractions get people killed,” Luna reminded Lexa, the Boat Leader’s eyes wandering to the two joined beds as she spoke.  

      “You’ve never been one to talk around a subject, Luna.  Just say what you need to,” Lexa demanded, her eyes also traveling over to the beds before returning to meet Luna’s unwavering grey gaze.

      “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing, the logical and thought out thing, and not what your heart is demanding you do?” Luna asked, holding Lexa’s gaze.  “I just want to make sure we’re reacting out of logic, not out of emotion.  These are people’s lives at stake here.”

      “You think I don’t know that?”  Lexa asked, anger tinging her tone.  She knew Luna’s questions were warranted, expected even if Luna was to even be considered a decent leader that looked out for the best for her people.  “I know that every time we march into battle, there are people that will never return home; people that will never get to come back to the families who love them.”

      Lexa began pacing around the space, her agitation threatening to get the best of her.  “I do not make this decision lightly.  Nia has forced my hand.  She has been allowed to roam unchecked for far too long.  It is time we fought for our land, people, and homes.”

      Luna regarded her silently, watching the younger girl move back and forth across the hut, each step deliberate.  She had known Lexa since she had been a child.  She had watched her grow into the best Commander- and person- that she had ever known.  Regardless, she knew that everyone had the ability to fall victim to their heart at some point.  She was just trying to look out for her people and make sure that each decision that placed their lives in danger was well thought out and a last resort.  She considered Lexa’s words, knowing them to be true.

      “Okay,” she finally agreed.  “You know I would never question you, I just need to make sure that our people’s best interests are being considered.”

      Lexa stopped pacing and turned to face Luna.  Her features softened minutely as she took in the slightly apologetic look on her friends face.  

      “I know, and I appreciate you making sure that I stay true to what is best for everyone, not just my own heart.  It is why I trust you more than most,” Lexa pointed out.  “While I may have feelings for Clarke, you must trust that I would never let that come between what is best for my people.”

      “I know, Lex,” Luna replied sheepishly, at least having the decency to look slightly embarrassed.  “I honestly shouldn’t have said anything to begin with.  Things have just been so messed up recently and we never talked about, you know…what happened with you.”

      Lexa tensed at the words, painful memories flashing across her mind as she relived every misdeed she’d participated in over the last few months.

      “It is not something that I wish to speak about, not yet at least,” Lexa stated quietly.

      Luna nodded her head in understanding as an easy silence fell over the two, Lexa returning to her position at that table.  After a few moments, she looked up at Luna once more.  “What is going on with you and the mechanic?”

      Lexa watched as Luna’s eyes widened minutely and her cheeks turned a light shade of pink.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luna responded too quickly.

      Lexa smirked at the woman, knowing full well that Luna knew _exactly_ what she was talking about.  “So you’ve been spending all your time with her because…?”

      Luna cleared her throat loudly before moving in the direction of the door.  “She is very intelligent, and funny, and…adventurous.  She is fun to be around and she reminds me a little bit of Anya.”

      “As long as you aren’t distracted in battle,” Lexa teased, throwing Luna’s earlier words back at her.  “I think you two are dangerous together, but I can tell you make each other happier.”

      Luna beamed at that, as though having the Commander’s approval had somehow legitimized whatever she and Raven had been up to the last week or so.

      “What’s life without a little danger?” Luna shot back with a wink before turning to leave, chuckling to herself.  

      Lexa just smiled and shook her head, moving to begin packing everything she would need to leave in the morning.  It was a short list that took less than five minutes to gather. Once finished, she piled the necessary items at the door so they would remain out of the way for the rest of the night.  She finished packing up Clarke’s satchel and placed that by the door as well, standing as the door opened once more and Clarke walked in.  Lexa couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her face at the sight of the blonde, at the sight of the woman she loved, and the thought only made her smile wider.  Clarke smiled back at her, but she saw the darkness that tinged the edges of it, that ensured it didn’t quite meet her eyes.

      “We’ll get them back, Clarke,” Lexa assured her, knowing Clarke’s mind was on her mother and her people.

      “I know, its just hard not to worry,” Clarke admitted, wrapping her arms around herself.  “They’re my family and just sitting here and waiting is killing me.”

      Lexa stepped over to where Clarke was standing, pulling the blonde into her arms.  “I know it’s difficult, but it is the smart thing to do, the right thing to do.  If we’re going to win this fight, it will be by using our heads, not our hearts.”

      She felt Clarke laugh bitterly as she pushed out of Lexa’s embrace.  “That’s always your go to, isn’t it?  Head over heart?”

      Lexa watched as the warm and loving Clarke she knew disappeared in an instant, the cold and calculating warrior taking her place.  She watched as Clarke’s eyes turned cold, the only identifiable emotion left in them anger.  Lexa knew she needed to tread carefully, the blonde quickly shutting down, which Lexa knew would lead to decisions that may get her killed.

      “It is a philosophy that has served me and my people well over the years, Clarke,” Lexa said carefully.  “While it may be the more difficult decision to make at the time, it ends up being the most effective.”

      She watched as Clarke ran her hand through her hair, the warmth slowly creeping back into her eyes.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m just so frustrated.  I never should have let my mother go back there alone.  We knew that Nia was likely watching Arkadia.”

      “Don’t apologize, I understand how frustrating this is.  There is nothing that you could have done.  If you had gone back with them, you would be in the same predicament, or worse, dead,” Lexa pointed out.

      “Maybe,” Clarke reluctantly acknowledged.  “Or maybe I could have taken care of that bitch once and for all.”

      “Well, now that would have been something,” Lexa admitted, a small smile ghosting the corners of her lips.

      Clarke rolled her eyes in amusement, a smirk on her lips.  “Now you’re just making fun of me.”

      Lexa feigned offense, her hand coming up to rest over her heart.  “I would never!”

      Clarke just continued to smirk at her, still not used to seeing the more playful side of Lexa.  It always amazed her how one moment Lexa could go from serious “Commander” mode to joking and playful.  She just shook her head in wonder as she took in the brunette smiling in front of her.  Within minutes, Lexa had managed to soothe her frustration, fear, and guilt.  She still didn’t like that they had to wait a few hours for it to get light, but the logical part of her did know that Lexa was right, that it was the best course of action given the circumstances.  Her eyes fell to the bags sitting next to the door, her swords leaned against the wall next to them.

      “You packed?” she asked, gratitude clear in her voice. 

      “It is always wise to be prepared,” Lexa said, nodding.

      “Thank-you.”  Clarke placed a kiss on her cheek.  “You’re always a step ahead of me.”

      “I have been here before, Clarke,” Lexa pointed out.  “I know how these things go.”

      “True,” Clarke conceded, nodding. 

      Lexa watched as Clarke closed the distance between them, her arms reaching out to circle Lexa’s waist.  She pulled Lexa to her, enjoying the comforting warmth that the brunette offered.  Before she could think about what she was doing, her lips were on Lexa’s, the now familiar feel of them a welcome comfort.  She sank against Lexa, the brunette’s hands coming up to cup her face.  The kiss was sweet, easy really, and Clarke allowed herself to get lost in it, the worries about Nia dissipating almost instantly under Lexa’s touch.  She sighed against Lexa’s lips as she felt the tension from the day draining away.  She felt Lexa pulling away, her whine of protest lost to a parting peck on her lips.

      “Clarke, I do not wish to take advantage of your emotional state,” Lexa began, slightly breathless.  “But I fear that if we don’t stop, I will not be able to control myself.”

      “Maybe I don’t want you to,” Clarke murmured as she leaned back in to capture Lexa’s lips with hers once more.

      Lexa allowed it for a moment before breaking the kiss once more.  “Clarke…”

      “Lexa.  I appreciate your chivalrous attitude, but if I don’t do something to distract myself, I will literally lose my mind with worry,” Clarke sighed.  “Not that I wish to take advantage of you either, of course.”

      “As if you could,” Lexa challenged, smirking cockily. 

      “Why, Commander.  Was that a challenge?” Clarke inquired, a smile tugging at her lips as well.

      “We both know there would be no challenge,” Lexa replied smugly.

      “Oh, we’ll see about that,” Clarke growled as she pulled Lexa’s face to hers, their lips meeting in a heated kiss.

      They each got lost in the kiss and Lexa eagerly deepened the kiss when she felt Clarke’s tongue slide across her lower lip.  Lexa could feel the hunger and desire beginning to build in her stomach as her lips moved against Clarke’s, the heat growing with each swipe.  She pulled back just long enough to brush her nose against Clarke’s before diving back in, unwilling to let a single moment she had with the woman slip through her fingers.  They were headed to war in a few hours and anything could happen.  It seemed as though Clarke was reading her mind as Lexa suddenly felt herself pushed back until her back hit the war table behind her.  She grunted in surprise but didn’t break the kiss, instead basking in the feel of Clarke’s hands against the bare skin of her back.  She felt her shirt being lifted and broke the kiss only momentarily so that Clarke could remove it completely.  It fell in a heap at their feet as Clarke’s lips instantly found hers once more.  

      As they moved, they communicated everything that neither could quite vocalize: _I need you, distract me, save me, love me._ Clarke’s hands traced up her sides until they found Lexa’s breasts, pausing there to pay equal attention to both, loving the way the nipples hardened almost immediately under her skilled fingers.  The teasing was nearly too much for Lexa as she broke the kiss and threw her head back, pushing her chest harder into Clarke’s hands, seeking more.  Clarke replaced her hands with her mouth, her tongue wreaking havoc to the already sensitive nipples.  Her hands trailed down Lexa’s sides and onto her lower back, pausing briefly before dipping under the hem of Lexa’s pants to rest on the swell of her behind.  Clarke pulled Lexa closer, kneading the toned muscles her hands were resting on.  She felt Lexa shudder against her and paused in her ministrations to look up at Lexa through hooded eyes.  

      There was a hunger and a desire burning in those green eyes, something that only Clarke would be able to satiate.  This was different than the last time, she could tell.  The deep care that they both felt for each other was still there, but this was more.  It was as though each of them were looking for something in the other, as though they were both incomplete and looking for that missing piece.  Clarke knew what she was looking for- a redemption of her soul that she only ever found in Lexa; an understanding that superseded all logical thought and only sought to comfort, to heal.  Clarke was overwhelmed with the knowledge in that, in the knowledge that Lexa was the only one that would ever truly understand her, the only one that would never demand apologies for doing what was necessary.  All at once, she knew.  She knew that Lexa was it- that Lexa was her forever and her home, her healing and her salvation.

      Looking up at the girl in front of her, she instantly knew that Lexa was thinking the same thing, could see it in the fire in her eyes, the kiss swollen lips, and the gentle caress of Lexa’s long fingers against her hips.  Though Clarke didn’t consider what they had done before just “sex for sex’s sake”, she knew that this would be different.  This act would have a deeper meaning for both of them, the very action of it intertwining their souls together for eternity.  This would go beyond mere sex; this would be the very definition of making love.  Clarke held Lexa’s gaze for a moment, the silent question of whether or not Lexa wanted the same thing passing between them in that look.  Clarke only had to wait a beat before Lexa was pulling her face level with hers and looking her in the eye.

      “I want all of you, forever,” Lexa whispered, her lips ghosting across Clarke’s as she spoke.  

      Clarke pressed into the kiss, her answer just as insistent as Lexa’s, her resounding “ _you too_ ” just as loud.  She felt Lexa smile against her lips, the other woman clearly thrilled about Clarke’s response.  She let out a small squeak as Lexa quickly switched their positions, pressing Clarke’s back into the table instead.  Before Clarke could even grow accustomed to their new positions, Lexa was gripping the backs of her thighs and lifting her, depositing her firmly on top of the table.  Clarke wrapped her legs around Lexa’s waist, holding her in place as her body ached for even more contact. 

      Lexa pressed into the other girl, only moving her lips from Clarke’s to trail kisses down Clarke’s neck, stopping every once and a while to suck the sensitive skin she found there before soothing it with her tongue.  Clarke gasped as Lexa reached the point where her shoulders met her neck and Lexa gently ran over the skin with her tongue, raising goosebumps as she went.  She felt Clarke shudder against her, the action of it pooling even more liquid between her own thighs.  Both girls were breathing heavily as Lexa created just enough space to remove Clarke’s shirt.  Pressing back in, Clarke let out a low moan as flesh met flesh, the heat rising from Lexa’s body causing her own to respond in kind.

      She used her legs to pull Lexa even closer to her, sealing her core against Lexa’s hardened stomach muscles.  She began rocking against the brunette, seeking friction that she was just millimeters from finding.  Sensing what she needed, Lexa pulled back so that she could remove Clarke’s pants and underwear, already feeling the heat emanating from Clarke’s core through the material.  Clarke raised her hips ever so slightly to assist Lexa in her endeavor and in mere moments, her pants and underwear had been discarded on the floor with her shirt.  Lexa paused and looked at Clarke, face flushed and eyes nearly wild, seeking permission.  Clarke sat up and took one of Lexa’s hands in her own and guided it to her center where she needed it the most.  Lexa shuddered at the sensation, her eyes never leaving Clarke’s, as the dampness of Clarke’s mound quickly coated her hand.  

      Clarke began to grind against her hand, throwing her head back in pleasure as she finally found the friction she had been seeking.  Lexa was mesmerized by the look of pure pleasure on the blonde’s face, the look nearly angelic in appearance.  As Clarke moved to grind down once more, Lexa surprised her by dipping a finger between the folds and into the depths of the woman she loved.  She felt Clarke tense immediately, her walls nearly pushing her back out, and she leaned her head next to Clarke’s ear.

      “Relax for me, Clarke,” she murmured as she sucked on Clarke’s earlobe, the girl moaning in pleasure at the sensation and her walls immediately drawing Lexa’s finger in further.

      Lexa trailed kisses down Clarke’s neck, pushing Clarke back gently as she worked down her torso.  Laid out completely on her back by the time Lexa made it to her hip bones, Clarke had grown accustomed to Lexa’s presence inside of her.  Lexa trailed her mouth down Clarke’s stomach, adding another finger as she went, rewarded with a slight buck of Clarke’s hips and her name being gasped for only her ears to hear.  Her mouth slipped down between Clarke’s thighs, her tongue immediately finding Clarke’s clit and sucking on it.  She was granted a satisfying moan from the blonde and Lexa hummed in response, the vibrations causing Clarke’s hands to tangle in her hair and pull her closer to where she need.

      “God, Lexa, please don’t stop,” Clarke managed to gasp right before Lexa felt the telltale clenching of Clarke’s walls around her fingers.

      She could tell Clarke was nearly at her peak, the blonde writhing with pleasure above her, as she added a third finger.  She heard Clarke cry out and paused with her fingers inside the blonde, worried that she may have somehow hurt the woman.  She realized she was wrong when Clarke’s hips ground down on her hand, pumping against the digits in an almost desperate manner.  Lexa watched in awe as the muscles in Clarke’s stomach danced beneath her skin to create the movement, her other hand moving to trace over them.  She timed her thrusts to meet Clarke’s hips, giving the blonde as much friction and leverage that she could.  Sensing that it wasn’t quite enough, she suddenly withdrew completely from the blonde and stood.  Clarke whimpered slightly at the sudden feeling of being empty, her hands seeking Lexa as she struggled to understand what was going on.  

      “Shift back,” Lexa commanded quietly, watching as Clarke scrambled to obey, maps flying everywhere.

      Once Clarke was fully on the table, Lexa crawled on top of the table as well.  She gently opened Clarke’s legs by nudging at them with her hands, and she was pleased when Clarke allowed her legs to simply fall open.  Crawling closer, Lexa hovered over Clarke for a moment before thrusting the same three fingers back into her without warning.  Clarke bucked and cried out in surprise at the sudden stretching of her walls, but her hands clawed at Lexa’s back as she tried to pull the brunette closer.  Lexa moved up a couple more inches until her knee was resting against the back of the hand that was currently buried within Clarke.  She used it to support her thrusting fingers while also creating more friction on Clarke’s clit with the palm of her hand.  Clarke, quickly realizing what Lexa had just done, began grinding down on Lexa’s hand with abandon, her walls beginning to spasm almost immediately.  Lexa smirked as she watched Clarke move beneath her, feeling the blonde just about at her peak with only a few thrusts.  

      “Open your eyes, Clarke.  I want to watch you,” Lexa ordered.

      Clarke’s eyes fluttered open, the irises nearly lost in the black of her dilated pupils.  Lexa thrust once more into the blonde before curling her fingers inside of her and hitting the one spot that she had learned made Clarke unravel completely.  Her fingers were squeezed painfully and Clarke’s eyes immediately snapped closed as her head rolled back, the orgasm sweeping over her in an instant.  Clarke let out a low moan as Lexa’s fingers continued to work inside of her, slowly bringing her down from her high.  After a few more gentle thrusts, Lexa withdrew her fingers from the satisfied blonde, a smirk on her face as she leaned in to plant a kiss on Clarke’s lips.  Before she could close the distance, she felt Clarke push up against her, her momentum rolling them off the table.

      Clarke’s lips were on hers the second her feet were under her, the blonde slowly pushing Lexa towards their joined beds.  Clarke's lips were insistent, moving against hers hungrily, as though desperately seeking something.  Their movements stopped as the backs of Lexa’s legs hit their bed, the blonde finally breaking for air.  Lexa caught a glint in Clarke’s eyes, her curiosity piqued at it, but before she could ask any questions, Clarke was moving to lie down.  Lexa moved to lie down next to her, but was surprised when Clarke shook her head and instead pulled her down on top of her. 

      “I want this,” Clarke said, running her hand over Lexa’s center and causing the woman to shudder, “here,” she finished, pointing at her mouth.

      Lexa’s eyes widened as she realized what Clarke was implying.  “Clarke, are you sure?” 

      “I trust you, Lexa,” was all Clarke replied with as she pulled Lexa up to where she wanted her.  

      Lexa straddled Clarke’s head, a knee on either side, and used the headboard to control how much of her weight would be resting on Clarke.  Slowly, she lowered herself until she could feel Clarke’s hot breath against her sex.  Before she could hesitate, Clarke’s hands were on her hips, pulling her down and sealing her mound to Clarke’s hungry mouth.  Her grip tightened on the headboard as she felt Clarke’s skilled tongue swipe up the full length of her, gathering all her juices.  She felt that tongue flatten as it pressed against her clit before Clarke’s mouth was sucking on it mercilessly.  Clarke’s tongue alternated between teasing her clit and the folds of her opening, driving her nearly insane with need.  Lexa was about to plead with Clarke to stop teasing and commit when she suddenly felt Clarke’s tongue dive inside of her, burying itself within her as though it belonged there. 

      Lexa concentrated on the feel of Clarke’s tongue moving against her, the sensation unlike any she’d ever experienced with the added factor of gravity working in her favor.  She unconsciously began to rock back and forth, seeking additional friction, and she was rewarded with Clarke moving one of her hands from her hips so that her fingers could press against the sensitive bundle of nerves at the top of her core.  Her hips bucked at the sensation and she felt more hot liquid pool between her thighs. 

      Lexa had to consciously remember not to rest all her weight on Clarke’s face, but she couldn’t prevent her legs from clamping around the blonde’s head.  She felt her juices running freely, too much for even Clarke too keep up with despite her mouth doing its best.  Clarke moaned into her and she felt a fresh wave of hot liquid spill from her and into Clarke’s waiting mouth.  Clarke’s hand wandered down once more as her tongue moved to play with her clit.  Lexa tensed for a moment as a single finger slid inside of her.  She was so tight, not used to anyone touching her, and she groaned as she felt Clarke’s fingers prodding at her walls, stretching her.  

      Clarke worked her over generously with both her tongue and finger until she could feel that Lexa was ready for more.  Without warning, Clarke added a second finger, thrusting into Lexa as deeply as she could before withdrawing almost completely.  She dove back in, all the way to her last knuckle before repeating the action over and over.  After a few thrusts, she began curling her fingers inside Lexa and stroking the whole way out before thrusting as deeply as she could.  That, combined with the attention from her mouth, had Lexa panting above her in seconds, the brunette now twitching her hips in rhythm with Clarke’s thrusts.  A couple more and Clarke could feel Lexa’s walls clenching around her fingers almost painfully, the brunette nearing her peak.  Clarke grazed her teeth across the tight bundle of nerves as she simultaneously moaned into Lexa’s core, the sensation of both and her fingers overwhelming the woman above her and causing her to arch back as she fell over the edge.  

      Lexa had always been silent, speaking rarely and even then using only a few words to communicate her points.  That remained true now as Lexa rode out the waves in utter silence, Clarke shifting so she could watch the girl writhing above her.  Lexa’s head was thrown back, her hair cascading over her shoulders and down her back as the muscles of her body clenched and unclenched with the waves of pleasure rolling through her.  Her hands were gripping the headboard, her knuckles turning nearly white as she struggled not to fall on top of Clarke.  Clarke smiled as she watched Lexa ride out her orgasm above her, reveling in the fact that Lexa had chosen her of all people to see her in this way; completely free and at what Lexa might consider her “weakest” and most compromised state.  Clarke knew what kind of trust that took, to bare your complete soul to someone, as she was putting the same faith in Lexa not to let her fall.  The sincerity of the moment rang out loudly in between the quiet panting from both women and the steady pounding of their hearts.  

      Lexa shifted off of Clarke, falling to her side, her body glistening with sweat as she tried to reign in her breathing.  Lexa smiled slightly, her eyes still closed as she enjoyed the random waves of pleasure that still coursed through her.  She felt Clarke instinctively scoot closer to her and she pulled her in so that Clarke’s head came to rest on her chest.  Lexa felt Clarke instantly relax into her side as sleep began to overtake the girl.

      “Thank-you,” Clarke murmured.

      “For what?” Lexa asked, her fingers trailing up and down the arm that Clarke had thrown over her waist.

      “For a number of things,” Clarke replied, raising her face to look at Lexa.  “For being here with me.  For choosing me.  For being my voice of reason and the person that keeps me grounded.  For all of that and more.”

      “You give me more credit than is due, I think,” Lexa mused.  “You are strong on your own, I simply try to ensure you see that.”

      “Regardless, I can’t express how grateful I am,” Clarke sighed as she rested her head back down on Lexa’s chest. 

      “You know I have just as much, if not more, to be grateful to you for, right?” Lexa asked quietly.

      “I know.  I’ll make sure you spend your life thanking me,” Clarke mumbled.  

      Lexa’s hand paused as the words sunk in.  She waited for Clarke to explain further, but she could feel that her breathing had evened and slowed indicating the woman was already asleep.  She couldn’t prevent the smile that spread wide over her face at the prospect of these quite moments being a part of her every day life for the rest of her life.  All with the woman that she was lucky enough to love, and who she hoped one day could return the feeling. 

      She felt Clarke unconsciously burrow deeper into her side, feeling herself relax in response.  Despite being relaxed, Lexa laid awake knowing what was coming in a few hours time and unwilling to let the moment end.  She didn’t know what the next couple days would hold and for the first time in a long time, she had someone to lose.  That thought alone frightened her more than she had anticipated.  Eventually, she found she could no longer stave off sleep, her body relaxing against Clarke’s and her breathing slowing.  She brushed her hand down Clarke’s arm once more before pressing a kiss to the top of Clarke’s head.  She was sure that in these quiet moments with Clarke, it was the happiest that she had ever been.

      “I love you, Clarke,” she sighed before allowing Clarke’s quiet snores to lull her to sleep. 

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa was startled awake a few hours later by a nightmare, her heart pounding and chest heaving.  As she sat up, trying not to wake Clarke, she realized that the blonde was no longer in the bed.  

      “Clarke?” she called out, her voice gravelly from sleep.

      When she received no response, she got out of the bed, gathering her clothes as she went.  She checked the bathroom portion of the hut, still finding nothing.  As she moved to pass the bed once more, a piece of paper on Clarke’s pillow caught her attention.  Lexa felt her stomach bottom out as her mind raced with possibilities, none of them good.  She picked up the note and walked over to where there was a candle still burning low and she immediately recognized Clarke’s practiced handwriting.

_Lexa,_

       _There aren’t enough words to express how truly sorry I am for doing this to you.  Please don’t follow me.  I refuse to choose between two people I care most for in this world.  This was the only solution I could see.  Promise me you’ll save them all._

_May we meet again,_

_Clarke_

      Lexa clutched the note in her hand, the paper crumbling in her sudden death grip.  Hot, angry tears pricked at her eyes, but she refused to allow them to fall, instead moving quickly to gather her things near the door.  She slung her sword across her back as she walked out, the note still in gripped in her tight fist.  She was nearly running as she made it down to the hut that Raven had taken up occupancy in.  Pounding on the door, she was a little less than surprised to find Luna on the other side a few moments later.

      “Whoa, Lex, its really early,” the redhead grumbled as she squinted through her sleep deprived eyes.  

      Lexa said nothing, instead shoving the note in Luna’s direction as she brushed past her and entered the hut.  Luna lit a candle and pushed her hair out of her face as she waited for the wick to catch so she would have light to read by.  Lexa settled herself on a stool at Raven’s workstation, not even looking up when the mechanic herself emerged from behind the makeshift curtain she had rigged up at some point.  She was rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she limped across the work area, landing heavily on a stool with a grunt.

      “Commander, to what do we owe the pleasure?” she asked, voice husky with sleep.

      Luna was the one that answered for her.  “Clarke is gone.”

      That caught Raven’s attention, the brunette seeming to wake up immediately.  

      “What do you mean, ‘gone’, Luna?” Raven asked incredulously.

      Luna moved over to Raven, handing the other girl the note that Lexa had given her.  She read it over quickly, her face visibly paling as she read over the words.  She looked up at Lexa once she’d finished, the woman still sitting stoically and staring ahead.  

      “Lex, what do you need us to do?” Luna asked quietly.

      “We need to go after her is what we need to do!” Raven exclaimed, standing and limping back behind the curtain partition.

      “Luna, alert the generals.  You and Indra will be left to lead the majority of the army, I will lead a smaller contingent forward now, trying to cover as much distance as we can.  It’ll be light within the hour and Clarke has at least a two-hour lead on us,” Lexa ordered.  “We move out immediately.”

      Luna nodded her understanding, the girl moving toward the partition while Lexa moved toward the door.  She picked up the note that Raven had laid on the table she’d been sitting next to, her eyes reading over the words once more.  She balled her fist in anger, tears burning her eyes once more.  She was not angry at Clarke, for she had done exactly what Lexa knew she would, but anger at the situation.  She was angry at herself for losing yet another person she loved, Clarke slipping away with only a note left in her stead.  She felt the hot, angry tears of frustration burning in her eyes and in her throat and she knew she needed to move before her emotions completely took control and she was useless.  

      “Lex.”  She looked up, meeting Luna’s insistent gaze as the woman came back through the curtain.  “This isn’t Costia.  We’ll get Clarke back.”

      Lexa simply gave her a curt nod before she quickly exited the hut, headed further into town.  Along the way, she stopped at both Indra and Kai’s huts, waking both.  Filling them in quickly, Indra sped off to alert the rest of the camp with Luna while Lexa and Kai made their way towards where the horses were kept.  They’d nearly made it when an angry brunette dropped from one of the trees down onto the path before them.  

      “Octavia,” Lexa acknowledged, wishing she could just brush past the young warrior but knowing that would only prolong the delay.  “Can this wait?”

      “Not if you want to head out on the same path Clarke took,” Octavia began, quirking an eyebrow in challenge.  “Lincoln and I saw her leave almost two hours ago.  She took her horse.”

      “Where is Lincoln now?” Lexa inquired, having yet to see the man.

      “He followed Clarke, not sure what she was doing,” Octavia supplied, and Lexa felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as she watched Octavia walk over to a few horses she’d already prepared.  “We didn’t alert you because we figured you knew, but then I heard the noise in town and judging from the look on your face, she didn’t tell you she was leaving.  She’s doing something only Clarke would do, something that will probably get herself killed, isn’t she?”

      Lexa just clenched her jaw in response, throwing her bag over the back of a horse before pulling herself up.  

      “Look, Lincoln is tracking her and we’re only a few hours behind.  We’ll find her,” Octavia reassured.

      “Heda, Clarke is a strong spirit.  She will be ok,” Kai stated, speaking for the first time since Lexa had woken him up.  

      “I will believe that once we locate her,” Lexa replied, spurring her horse forward to fall in behind Octavia’s.  

      She heard a quiet laugh behind her and turned to see Kai smiling, lost in his own thoughts.  When she raised her brows in silent question of his antics, he smiled wider.

      “Clarke is going to destroy that woman if we let her.  Really we’re on a mission to save Nia at this point,” he said, chuckling once more as they set out.

      Lexa merely shook her head, a faint smile ghosting her lips as she turned to face forward once more.  Her thoughts began to wander as she settled in for the long ride ahead of them.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here is the additional chapter, as promised. I'm trying to make up for the long wait you all endured between chapters 15 and 16, but I'm also trying to hold you guys over until I can post 18. It may be a little while because as I stated before, I've got a number of things going on personally. 
> 
> Only a few chapters left after this one, and its been a hell of a journey. I love these characters so much and I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy.
> 
> FYI, the ratings and tags are there for a reason. Just be aware as some of them come into play throughout this chapter.

      The sun was high in the sky the first time their small group paused for a brief break.  Lexa had not wanted to stop at all, but Kai had been insistent that the horses needed a rest if they wished to continue on at the pace they’d been keeping for the past few hours.  Knowing Kai was right, Lexa had reluctantly agreed.  As they sat by a stream, she had to fight to keep herself focused on the task at hand, her thoughts constantly wandering to worry about Clarke.  She took some solace in knowing that Lincoln was with her.  Despite everything that he had been through, he was still one of Lexa’s most trusted warriors and she knew he would keep Clarke safe.  

      Octavia had immediately picked up on the trail Lincoln had left behind, the direction indicated by a small white flower every several hundred feet.  When he had run out of those, they had found clearly trampled shrubbery and plants, an easy indication of their direction.  It seemed that Clarke had known that someone was following her, as her trail had circled several times before settling on a northerly direction.  Lexa’s attention was pulled by the sound of Octavia splashing in the water, using the brisk liquid to try and cool herself off as the sun beat down on them.  The humidity had also increased as they’d ridden, making it feel as though they were swimming rather than walking.  Lexa could feel the sweat rolling down her back and bent into the water to do the same.  She had just ducked down when she felt the air move against her face and the distinct sound of an arrow whizzing past her ear.

      “Azgeda!” Lexa yelled as she ran towards Octavia, arrows continuing to fly past both of them.

      The younger girl already had her sword out at the ready and Lexa watched as she effortlessly deflected an arrow meant for her.  She and Octavia charged across the river, seeking out their attackers as Kai mirrored them across the river bank.  Before they had reached the opposite side, he had deftly felled two hidden Azgedans with arrows of his own.  Octavia found a third and easily dispatched her with a flick of her sword.  Lexa watched proudly as the young warrior worked in front of her to bring the final man down.

      “I see Indra’s lessons have paid off,” Lexa commented, turning at the sound of Kai splashing through the river behind them.

      “When she yells at you enough, something is bound to stick,” Octavia grinned, happy to hear her Commander’s praise.  

      They watched as Kai climbed out of the river, the horses trailing behind him.  “We need to keep moving!  There will be more!” he yelled as he tossed each of them their reigns.  

      Lexa and Octavia both effortlessly jumped onto their horses, all three of them spurring their steeds into a break neck gallop with Kai leading the way.  Lexa could only hope that Clarke had not met the same fate as she had travelled.  The forest flew past them as they rode, branches reaching out and scraping along Lexa’s skin every once in a while.  She spared a look to see that they were still at least traveling north, though she knew they were no longer following Clarke’s trail.  She lost track of how long they rode that way, her legs going numb with the motion of the horse beneath her.

      Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kai slowed his horse to a walk.  Lexa could tell their horses were tired, in desperate need of an actual break this time.  As they continued forward, she could hear a river running nearby once more.  She opted to scout the area on foot while Octavia and Kai tended to the horses.  Finding nothing, she returned to find Kai patching up a cut across Octavia’s side.

      “What happened?” Lexa asked, moving toward the two.

      “One of the bastards arrows must have caught me when we were down in the river bed.  Luckily, Kai carries the antidote and he was just finishing patching me up,” Octavia responded hotly, glaring at the angry red gash on her ribs.

      “Do you feel alright?” Lexa asked, fearing the girl would not be able to carry on.

      “Ready to take on a battalion, Heda,” Octavia replied, her words backed up by the determined look in her eyes.

      Lexa looked at Kai for confirmation that Octavia would be alright, his nod of affirmation all she needed.  “Very well.  You’re lucky,” Lexa told Octavia as the warrior patiently waited for Kai to finish wrapping the dressing.

      “Heda is right,” Kai agreed.  “Another inch and it would be a disabling, likely deadly, wound.”

      “Don’t need to tell me twice.  Just glad I realized it before the poison had taken hold,” Octavia grimaced as she moved to lower her shirt.

      After the horses had been appropriately fed and watered and given enough time to rest, the group remounted and continued on their way.  They had to keep a slow pace as they began looking for Clarke and Lincoln’s trail once more.  It took about another hour and constant back and forth movement before Lexa spotted the clearly trampled grass that pointed north.  Once they’d ensured they were indeed on the right path, they picked up their pace a bit more, trying to make up for some of the time they’d lost fleeing the Azgeda.  They followed the trail for a few more hours before it became too dark to effectively see anything.  

      Lexa was perturbed that they had not made it further, but understood that continuing on in the dark would be stupid considering they would not be able to see a threat coming.  She could also tell that Octavia was beginning to feel the after effects of the poison still leaving her system, as the young girl struggled to stay awake on top of her horse.  Kai had been looking out for food as they’d travelled and had been fortunate enough to take down a wild boar an hour or so prior.  Lexa volunteered to take the first watch as he cleaned the animal to cook it, Octavia gratefully lying back to rest until dinner was ready.  Lexa gathered enough kindling for a small fire as she moved about the camp, ensuring they were safe from any lurking threats.

      She deposited the wood in front of Kai before moving to build the fire.  It caught quickly under her practiced hands and before long, the meat was over it and cooking.  The only sound in the space was the quiet snores emanating from Octavia as she dozed and the crackling of the fire before her.  She watched Kai patiently turning the meat over to ensure it cooked evenly, a peaceful look on his face as he did so.  She thought back to his earlier words about Clarke, how sure he had sounded that they would find her.  

      She wanted to believe that he was right, that Clarke would be fine.  However, a deeper part of her was lost in all the resurfaced memories and emotions that had consumed her when she had lost Costia.  The harder she tried to stave them off, the deeper she felt herself sinking.  She knew the path she was on was dangerous, that she wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around her and it could cost her or either of her traveling companions their life.  She shook her head, as though that would rid her of the memories.  Try as she might, the only images that kept flitting across her mind were those of a bruised, broken, and bloody Costia; Clarke taking her place when her mind felt she had been tortured enough by past memories.

      Kai seemed to pick up on her darkened mood and remained quite, pointedly looking anywhere but at his Commander.  Lexa appreciated the privacy that he was attempting to give her, allowing her some time to actually register what had happened and try to come to terms with Clarke’s decision to leave.  While the logical side of her understood Clarke’s actions, her emotional side was struggling to understand the motive behind leaving without a word.  Regardless, she couldn’t find it within her to be upset with Clarke.  She knew that had it been a deal between her or Clarke, she’d willingly choose herself to keep Clarke safe.  

      She woke Octavia once the food was ready, the girl tearing into her food as though she hadn’t eaten in days.  Lexa merely picked at her food, her appetite lacking.  Once they were finished, Lexa again volunteered to keep watch knowing that sleep would elude her.  Kai gave her a knowing look but didn’t argue as he laid down.  Octavia had fallen back asleep almost instantly after finishing her food and Kai had checked her wound to make sure that it was healing properly.  After a reassuring nod from him, Lexa moved to take up watch, preferring a vantage point that would offer her a view of their entire camp.  As she sat up in a tree, she glanced up to see the stars shining brightly above her, the one she pegged as Costia the brightest of the bunch.  She felt the emotions she had not allowed earlier begin to overwhelm her and she finally allowed them to flow through her.  

      Tears of frustration silently ran down her cheeks as she watched the woods below, for the first time speechless when it came to the stars above.  She’d lost the person she loved yet again to the one person she hated most in the world.  Lexa tried desperately not to lose herself to the dark memories of what it had been like when she had lost Costia.  Clarke was not Costia.  This would be different.  It had to be.  She took in a shaky breath as she glanced once more at the stars.  

      “I can’t lose her too, Cos,” she shook her head as the tears continued.  “I can’t lose her too…”

      Her mind wandered back to the night that she had discovered her first love had been ripped from this world in the most brutal way imaginable.  It was Anya who heard her strangled cries and came rushing in to make sure her Heda was alright.  It was Anya who had pried Costia’s desecrated body from Lexa’s shocked death grip.  It was Anya who had pulled Lexa from the bed only to turn and reverently wrap Costia’s broken body in the furs that she’d been delivered in.  It was Anya who had carried Costia’s body from the room, leaving Lexa for only moments to ensure that Costia was well cared for until they could properly release her spirit.  It was Anya who had then pulled a catatonic Lexa into the wash room to scrub away all evidence of the horror Lexa had faced.  It was Anya had who whispered reassuringly to her, all her words lost to the buzz of shock that permeated Lexa’s brain.  

      Lexa had no idea who would be there for her this time, Clarke being the only person she had allowed into her life after Costia.  She was nearly certain that should Clarke suffer the same fate, Lexa would never recover.  Though she may be left breathing, she would never live again.  Lexa swallowed the fear that crept up and threatened to strangle her, knowing that this was not the time and place.  She worked on getting her breathing under control, her tears coming to a stop as she did so.  Settling in for the long night ahead, she looked back at the stars once more, this time finding reassurance in their steady glow.  Kai and Octavia continued to sleep peacefully beneath her, completely oblivious to the pain their Commander was going through above them.

 

**XXX**

 

      When dawn broke over the horizon, Lexa had already prepared a quick breakfast for Kai and Octavia  for when they woke up.  She hadn’t felt tired all evening, instead opting to keep watch all night while Octavia and Kai slept.  She made sure the horses were watered and fed before she moved to wake the two warriors, eager to be on her way.  She knew Clarke would not be wasting any time and they were already quite a few hours behind the other woman.  Octavia grumbled unhappily before rising and stuffing food in her mouth as she went to relieve herself.  Kai was much more amicable in the mornings, up and moving the moment Lexa had lightly called his name.  Within fifteen minutes of Lexa first waking Octavia, they were once again on their way, this time Lexa leading their group.  She set a brutal pace, but not one that anyone struggled to keep up with.  

      Midday, the trail left by Lincoln stopped, the forest around them suspiciously quiet.  Lexa held up a hand to indicate she wanted Octavia and Kai to stop.  She heard the movement behind her cease before she pointed toward the ground, indicating that they needed to dismount to carry on.  Lexa could feel something was off, her seasoned instincts telling her there was a threat amongst them.  Glancing back briefly at Kai, she could see that he felt the same way.  She indicated for him to head left while Octavia went right, Lexa cutting up the middle as they proceeded forward.  The longer they went without any sign of Clarke’s trail, the more she felt desperation clawing at her insides.

      They’d made it about twenty feet before she heard a commotion coming from her left, the direction that Kai had gone.  There were some grunts before she heard the distinct sound of a blade slicing into flesh.  One final gurgle came from the direction before all was silent again.  Kai appeared from the bushes moments later, blood spattered across the front of him.  When Lexa cocked an eyebrow in question of his status, he gave her a quick nod before disappearing once more.  She’d just barely turned to face forward again when she heard movement directly in front of her.  Nothing much, just the quietest sound of a twig snapping under someone’s weight.  Drawing her dagger, she left her horse where he was and tread quietly a few feet in front of her. 

      She saw a flash of grey and blue before she was being thrown on her back, a branch digging into her back and forcing the air from her lungs.  She raised her arm in time to block the follow up blow from her attacker and used their own weight and momentum against them.  She pushed the person she now recognized as an Azgedan warrior to the side, expertly sliding her knife between his ribs as he hit the ground.  She watched as the light drained from his eyes and he took one last gurgling breath.  Gasping for air of her own, she retrieved her knife and raised her head in time to see Octavia dispatching an Ice Nation scout of her own, the woman letting out a small yelp as Octavia’s blade found a home in her gut. 

      Lexa rolled and pushed herself off the ground, turning just in time to see yet another woman dressed in the traditional blue and grey running at her, sword drawn.  She dropped into her defensive stance as she drew her sword, the sound echoing around the space.  She saw Kai emerge from the brush once more and start towards her, but she shook her head to let him know to stand down.  This one was all hers.  The woman was strong, nearly twice Lexa’s size.  The sound of her blade slicing through the air was all that preceded her attack, the sound of metal on metal ringing out as Lexa defended herself.  She cleared her mind, all thoughts of Clarke and her current situation leaving her in that moment.  She and the other warrior danced around each other expertly, the woman before her clearly more trained than the majority of Azgedan’s Lexa had faced thus far.

      Lexa winced as the woman got in a lucky shot, her blade sliding across Lexa’s upper arm and biting into her flesh.  Lexa decided the fight had gone on long enough, stepping into the woman’s space and getting under her guard.  She used the handle of her blade to deliver a solid uppercut to the underside of the Azgedan’s jaw, knocking the woman back and off balance.  Before she could regain her feet, Lexa swept her legs out from under her, the woman falling onto her back as her sword skittered across the ground and out of her reach.  Lexa didn’t hesitate as she plunged her sword into the woman’s chest, effectively ending her fight.  

      She was breathing hard as she pulled her sword free, her eyes seeking out both Kai and Octavia to ensure they were alright.  Seeing them both in one piece, her attention was drawn to the cut on her arm that she could feel bleeding profusely.  Ignoring it and the pain, she motioned both Kai and Octavia forward, trying to make sure that they had taken care of every threat.  They stayed in that formation for nearly twenty minutes, tense but always moving forward.  It was still silent in the forest, more so than usual- even the birds had fallen quiet.  It wasn’t until she heard Octavia gasp that she even remembered that she wasn’t alone.  

      “Lincoln!”  Lexa could hear the fear in Octavia’s voice as she called out her lovers name.  

      She was running to the girl before Octavia could say another word, her feet traveling quickly but quietly over the brush.  She skidded to a stop when she saw Octavia bent over the prone and clearly unconscious form that was Lincoln.  She saw blood on the ground around both of them, her heart dropping at the sight.  Looking around, she could see at least three Azgedan guards on the ground around them.  They were clearly dead.  She knelt down as she placed a hand on Octavia’s shoulder.

      “Is he alive?” Lexa asked gently, fearing the worst.

      “He’s breathing,” Octavia said, relief sounding loud and clear in her tone.  “It looks like just a nasty gash to the head that hasn’t stopped bleeding.  Must be recent.”

      Octavia moved aside as Kai knelt down next to them, his healer knowledge surpassing both Lexa’s and Octavia’s.  After a moment of examination, Kai looked up at Octavia.

      “He’s going to be ok.  Looks like it may require a few stitches.  It’ll probably leave a scar, but he’s lucky,” Kai explained as he began searching in his satchel for the necessary supplies.  Octavia breathed a sigh of relief at the news that Lincoln would be ok, settling back on her heels as Kai started cleaning the wound.  Lexa moved to keep watch as he worked, not looking to be surprised again.  It was a few minutes before Lexa heard Lincoln groan behind her, the big man finally coming around right as Kai finished with his stitches. 

      “Lincoln!  Can you hear me?”  Octavia crouched down next to him once more, cradling his head in her lap.  “Come on, talk to me.”

      “Oktavia?”  Lincoln squinted as he struggled to make sense of the scene around him.  “My head is killing me.”

      He moved to sit up, Kai assisting him in that endeavor.  He carefully ran his hand over the new stitches in his head before looking up in confusion once more.  Spying Lexa, he quickly scrambled to his feet, swaying slightly in the unexpected change of equilibrium.  Leaning slightly on Octavia for support, he bowed his head slightly to Lexa.

      “Heda,” he greeted respectfully.

      “Lincoln.  How are you feeling?” Lexa asked, concern evident in her features.

      “I am well, Heda,” he replied, looking down at Octavia with a fond smile playing at his features.

      “If you are able, can you tell us what happened?” Lexa inquired, worry taking the place of concern as the thought of Lincoln being injured might mean Clarke was also laying in a ditch somewhere.

      Lincoln looked thoughtful for a moment before his features darkened.  “Azgeda…they attacked Clarke, took her.  I tried to intervene, but there were too many.  They overpowered me before I could do more than take out a few of them.  Last I saw, they were dragging Clarke away.  She was not awake.”  Lincoln’s eyes looked so remorseful that it almost pained her to continue looking at him, but her gaze did not waver.  “I failed you, Heda.  I am so sorry.”

      Lexa struggled for words for a moment, her own fear threatening to overwhelm her once more.  “You have not failed me, Lincoln.  You fought bravely as long as you could.  There are at least three dead around us that I can see.”

      Lincoln bowed his head in acknowledgement, guilt still coloring his features.  “If you’d still have me, I’d like to assist you in your mission to save Clarke.”

      “Of course,” Lexa replied without hesitation.  “You may ride with Octavia.  If you’re feeling up to it, we should go.”

      “Sha, Heda.  Mochof,” he replied quietly.  “Judging by the sun, I was only incapacitated for about an hour.”

      Lexa nodded and moved to retrieve their horses as Kai gathered his supplies and redeposited them into his satchel.  Lincoln struggled to get on the horse for a moment, but was fine once he’d settled, Octavia settling down in front of him.  They were off once more, exhaustion beginning to wear at Lexa for the first time since they’d left Luna’s village.  They rode on for a few more hours, this time simply headed in the direction of Polis rather than following a particular trail.  Lexa tried not to let the fear of Clarke being in the custody of the Azgeda eat away at her, but she failed as her thoughts wandered to the worst images her mind could conjure up.  

      As the sun began sinking behind the trees, Lexa began finding it harder and harder to keep her eyes open.  She caught herself slumping over a few times, nearly falling off her horse before Kai suggested that they make camp for the night.  He offered to take the first watch, shooting Lexa a look when she opened her mouth to argue.  She meekly nodded, too tired to formulate much of an argument either way.  She settled back against a tree, intending to stay up for food.  Before she could register what was happening, she felt her eyes drooping shut and sleep overcoming her.

 

**XXX**

 

      When Lexa woke, it was completely dark and Kai was asleep on her left.  Octavia was sitting up, Lincoln asleep with his head in her lap.  She stared across the fire as Lexa shifted, indicating with a hand to Lexa’s side.  Lexa looked down to see a small plate with dried meat and berries sitting beside her.  She nodded her head in thanks as she greedily ate the food, hungrier than she had anticipated.  Once she finished, she stood and stretched, walking a small distance away to relieve herself.  The sky was dark tonight, the stars covered by thick clouds.  The air smelled like rain and Lexa could feel the temperature dropping. 

      She returned to camp and knelt down by Octavia.  “We need to find shelter, it’s about to start raining,” she whispered.

      Octavia nodded, shaking Lincoln lightly to wake him.  Lexa moved to wake Kai, but found him awake already.  

      “We need to move to shelter,” Lexa told him quietly.  “Quickly, before the rain moves in.”

      Kai nodded in understanding, moving to gather the few items scattered around the camp.  In a couple minutes, they were moving out once more, searching every rock, bush, and tree for some type of shelter.  They came up empty, having found nothing as the first arcs of lightning lit up the sky.  A few more minutes of searching left them empty handed, as the sky opened up and it began pouring on them.  Within seconds, Lexa could feel every layer of her soaked down to the skin, her shivers barely contained under her armor.  She hunkered down on her horse, noticing the others doing the same as they continued forward in hopes of finding some place to wait out the storm.  They travelled that way for an hour with nothing to show for it, all of them shivering and teeth chattering.  Lexa was about to give up hope when her eyes spotted what looked like an outcrop of rocks thrown into shadow by a flash of lightening.  

      “There!” she called out over the driving rain, her voice nearly lost in the wind.  

      She spurred her horse forward as fast as she could, the terrain made worse due to the water soaking into everything.  Finally, after fifteen minutes of trudging uphill, they were welcomed into the relief of a shallow cave, just barely big enough to fit all of them and their horses.  The only upside of the small space was that what little body heat they had was contained in the area, warming them all slightly.  Lincoln had laid down and fallen asleep immediately, the rain and lack of sleep wearing on his already weakened body.  Lexa pulled the only fur she had from one of her satchels, using it to cover Lincoln as he was shivering more than the rest of them.  He had been the least prepared to face the elements, having followed Clarke without hesitation.  Octavia looked at her gratefully as she pulled the fur up and over him.  

      Lexa moved to the edge of the cave, tacitly taking up the watch for the evening as the others settled down around her.  She continued shivering all evening and well into the morning, only warming up once the sun had risen high into the sky the next day.  It was around the same time that she began to recognize parts of the forest that they were traveling through and realized they were about a days ride from Polis.  Relief coursed through her for a moment at the thought of getting closer to Clarke, but it was quickly replaced with the fear and anger that had taken up residence in her heart since she’d woken up to find Clarke gone.  She spurred her horse on faster, unable to quell her excitement at closing the gap between her and the woman she so desperately sought.

      By nightfall, they’d made it within a half mile of the gates of Polis but had to stop.  None of them knew what kind of defenses Nia had set up since taking power and while using the cover of darkness was ideal, it was not the intelligent play.  By her estimations, they were about a days time behind Clarke.  She could feel a headache forming in the back of her head and she’d been sniffling all day long.  She knew she was getting sick, but refused to allow it to stop her from strategizing all night.  At first light, she left the others behind to scout ahead.  She’d made it within eyesight of the gates and was crouched within some bushes when she heard someone stepping up behind her.  She spun to face the threat, her dagger coming up in her hand.  She froze as her eyes fell on familiar golden hair.

      “Clarke!” she all but yelled, dropping the dagger in favor of gathering the other woman in her arms.  “I was so worried about you, you have no idea.”

      Lexa hugged Clarke tightly but pulled back when the woman stiffened in her arms rather than embraced her back.  

      “Clarke?” she asked tentatively, her eyes roaming over the blonde and looking for injuries.  “Clarke, beja.”

      She watched as Clarke fixed her eyes on her, the blues of them cold and dead.  This was not the woman that Lexa recognized, the one that had left camp a few nights ago.  Before she could question the woman further, Clarke produced a silver handgun and pointed it at her.

      “You shouldn’t have come here, Lexa,” she droned, her voice monotone and lifeless.  “You stupid, stupid woman.  How could you not see?”

      “What…?” Lexa asked, confusion clear in her voice and on her face.  “Clarke…”

      Suddenly, pain was flaring across the back of her head, stars bursting across her vision as it blurred.  She fell to a knee, surprise and confusion still on her face as she watched Clarke step up to her, gun still trained on her and anger written across Clarke’s face.  

      “You actually thought I could care for you?” she sneered as she laughed cruelly.  “You really shouldn’t have followed me and yet, somehow I knew you would.”

      Lexa shook her head, trying to clear her vision.  “Klark…”

      “Goodbye Lexa,” was the last thing Lexa heard before she saw Clarke swinging the gun at her, her vision going dark as the ground rushed up to meet her.

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa woke to the strange sensation of being carried, hands pulling under her arms as her feet dragged behind her.  She struggled to open her eyes, her head lolling forward and jolting with each unsteady step.  She could feel that her hands were bound in front her, the ropes cutting painfully into her wrists.  Suddenly, she felt herself falling face first, her hands barely coming up to break her fall and protect her face.  She hissed out in pain as the ropes bit further into her already tender skin.  Finally, she was able to open an eye, the other one seemingly stuck shut by some unknown means.  She squinted against the suddenly bright light, struggling to see where she was.  She recognized what had been her throne room, remembering that she had made it to Polis, that she had found Clarke.  _The gun, dead eyes, darkness._ She struggled to piece together what had happened, her mind whirling in confusion.

      “Clarke,” she called out groggily as she tried to push herself up.  She groaned as someone’s foot connected with her side, breaking her recently healed ribs once more and rolling her on her side.

      “How pitiful you look writhing around on the ground there, Lexa.”  Lexa froze as the voice from her nightmares echoed around her in real life.  “Someone really ought to help you up.”

      She stifled another groan as rough hands grabbed her and shoved her against something solid, her hands tied securely above her head.  Each breath was like a knife to the side, her ribs protesting the very movement of her lungs.  She gasped as freezing water was thrown over her, the icy water immediately eliciting involuntary shivers from her.  She winced and tried opening her eyes as she realized the water must have washed away whatever had sealed her other eye shut.  She blinked slowly, the room and the people in it coming slowly into focus.  Nia was sitting in what had previously been Lexa’s throne, wolf’s fur sitting proudly on display upon her shoulders.  However, that was not what drew Lexa’s attention.  Clarke was standing next to the woman, a cold and detached look in her usually vibrant eyes.  

      Lexa’s reaction was immediate as she began to fight against her restraints, testing them for weaknesses.  She hissed as the movements caused her ribs to protest, but she didn’t stop.  She had no idea what they had done to Clarke and she would be damned if she allowed them to take her when Lexa was so close.  Clarke appeared unharmed save for some bruising near her hairline, but Lexa couldn’t be certain as the blonde wasn’t close enough to make out details.  Nia sat staring at her in amusement, her hands tented beneath her chin as she watched Lexa’s fruitless struggles.  Finally, after a few minutes, she stood and walked towards her.  Stopping a few feet in front of her, she smirked once more.  

      “You know, I thought I had everything figured out.  Thought I knew what was going on between you and the great Wanheda here,” Nia began, waving a hand in Clarke’s direction as she stood and moved toward Lexa.  “Turns out, I had no idea.”

      Lexa remained silent, glaring at the woman before her as she continued to shiver slightly.

      Nia began circling around her slowly, her shrewd gaze never leaving Lexa’s form.  “You really don’t know, do you?” came Nia’s voice behind her.

      Lexa’s only response was to silently glare straight ahead, watching Clarke in her peripheries as she waited for Nia to make her point.

      “Come now, Lexa.  There is no need to be so silent.  We’re old friends after all,” Nia chided as she came to rest in front of Lexa once more.

      “You were never a friend of mine, natrona,” Lexa finally spit, pulling against her bonds once more.

      “Tsk, tsk.  No manners what-so-ever.” Nia shook her head in mock offense as she retreated to her throne once more.  “Shocking behavior from someone who claimed to be a leader.”

      Lexa continued to stand in silence, anger roiling in her stomach but her sole focus remained on maintaining her unaffected demeanor.  She was determined not to allow Nia to see just how affected she was by the situation before her.  She was struggling to understand what the hell Clarke was doing just standing there, as though she was on Nia’s side.  She slowly twisted her wrists, still looking for weak points in the bonds as she listened to Nia prattle on.  She was caught off guard when a second splash of water was thrown over her, the water immediately causing a new wave of shivering.  She was chilled to the bone and she was quickly tiring under the constant shivering and struggling.

      “Are you listening, Lexa?” Nia sneered as she realized Lexa’s gaze was beginning to droop.

      Lexa continued to stare at the floor beneath her feet, content to no longer give Nia the satisfaction of her attention and knowing it would enrage the woman.  Instead, she continued to focus on freeing her wrists and the plan to get Clarke out once she had.  She tensed when she felt rough hands pull back on her hair, yanking her head up so that she was forced to look at the evil woman before her.  She could see the anger in Nia’s eyes, the absolute hatred that she knew was reflected in her own.  

      “You will look at me when I am speaking to you, Lexa,” Nia demanded angrily.

      Lexa responded, quite childishly if she was being honest, by closing her eyes.  The fist to her face was swift, the knuckles connecting perfectly with her jaw.  In the same instant she tasted blood, she felt one of her wrists slipping from the ropes above her.  She spit the blood onto the floor before her, a small yet defiant smile crossing her features as she continued to stare at the floor.  She felt the ropes hold on her wrist give a little more as she subtly twisted it above her head.

      “Look at me!” Nia roared from her throne.

      Lexa refused, her eyes trained steadfastly on a point at her feet.  The resulting blow was expected this time, this one landing on the good side of her ribs and forcing the air from her lungs.  She struggled to draw air back in as her broken ribs screamed in protest.  Though her gaze was still trained on the floor, she could sense Nia approaching her.  Soon, the woman’s feet were within her eyesight and she waited as they slowly drew closer.  When Nia was within a foot of her, Lexa suddenly whipped her head up, a glint in her eyes.  Before anyone could react, she pulled her hands free of their restraints, her arms at first falling limply to her sides from the awkward position she’d been kept in.  Not sparing a moment to take in everyone’s stunned looks, she forced herself into action and quickly closed the distance between herself and Nia.  She quickly produced a knife from Nia’s clothes where she knew the other woman kept it.  It was at her throat an instant later and Lexa was now the one on the offensive.  The guards stared on in disbelief, not quite sure how to help their queen.  

      “Now, you’re going to listen to me,” Lexa growled angrily as she backed towards the doors.  “Tell your lap dogs to back off and let Clarke and I leave.  Do that, and I may think about not killing you for your treachery.”

      Before Nia could respond, the familiar metallic click of a gun cocking echoed in the space around them.  Lexa stilled as her gaze fell on Clarke, the other woman pointing a gun at her.  She tensed as she took in the sight before her, the image not quite making sense in her mind.  

      “Clarke, what are you doing?” Lexa carefully asked as she subtly positioned Nia so she was between her and the gun.

      “Let her go.” Clarke’s voice was neutral, no hint of emotion detectable within her words.  

      “Looks like your lover won’t be following you after all, Lexa,” Nia sneered as she struggled against Lexa’s grasp.

      “Shof op,” Lexa snarled as she pressed the knife further into Nia’s throat, this time drawing blood.  

      A shot rang out, just barely whizzing past Lexa’s head as she did so, the gun in Clarke’s hand now smoking slightly.  “I said, let her go.  The next shot will not be a warning,” Clarke threatened, voice now laced with anger.

      A think tension blanketed the room as Lexa regarded Clarke, her mind struggling to comprehend any part of what was happening.  There was no way that Clarke would ever support Nia, no way this wasn’t all just some big act.  This was not her Clarke, this was not the person she had spent the last few weeks with.  The woman standing before her with a gun trained on her head was not the same person who had saved her and nursed her back to health; the same person who had bravely fought Azgeda by her side; the same person that had spent hours pouring over maps and battle plans with…the same person Lexa had spent hours loving, and who had loved her in return.  This was not her Clarke.  This person with the cold, dead eyes was a stranger.

      The confusion and hurt must have shown on her face, because a moment later, Clarke’s face broke into a scary grin, one not borne of amusement, but rather malice.  Clarke took a step toward them, gun still aimed directly at Lexa’s face.

      “I bet you’re wondering what is going on, what could have possibly happened that resulted in me here threatening to shoot you,” Clarke began as she took another step closer.  “Let me tell you what caused this, Lexa.  You.  You are responsible for creating what you now see in front of you.”

      Lexa shook her head in disbelief, the words barely making sense to her as she fought to reconcile the Clarke she had been with just days ago with the one now standing in front of her.  

      “I’ve been playing you this whole time.  Since the moment I ‘saved’ you weeks ago.  You think I did that all on my own?” Clarke let out a humorless laugh.  “Please.  That was orchestrated to make you believe I actually cared.  As if I could.”

      Lexa pulled Nia back a few steps as she realized that Clarke was closing the distance between them.  Lexa continued to stare on in disbelief, refusing to show just how much Clarke’s words were affecting her.

      “You stupid woman.  You never even saw through my act, so desperate to believe that someone- anyone- could love a monster like you,”  Clarke was glaring at her now, the anger in her eyes unlike anything Lexa had ever seen in the blonde before.  “This worked out so much better than I had originally planned.  I even got you to declare your love for me when you thought I was asleep- a total cop out by the way, saying it when I couldn’t respond.”

      She felt Nia chuckle beneath her grasp, the woman turning to look at Lexa slightly.  “She really convinced you to fall in love with her?  Oh now that is just precious!”

      “Em pleni!” Lexa growled, but the conviction in her voice was no longer there, Clarke’s words burying her in despair.  

      Clarke’s words circled in her head as she tried to come to terms with what Clarke was saying, her mind still refusing to accept what Clarke was telling her as true.

      “In order for the plan to work, I had to leave Nia out of it as well.  That is, until I reached Polis yesterday.  Then I filled her in on how Kai had been helping me since I’d arrived in Azgedan territory, how the guards here assisted me in getting you out- acting as though I had drugged them so Nia would be none the wiser.”  Clarke lowered the gun, taking yet another step toward Lexa.  “You honestly believed you were worth saving?  That you were worth loving?  What a romantic you are.  You played right into my hands.”

      “Why?”  It was the only word that Lexa could force out, the only question she wanted answered as she struggled to hold her world together.

      “Why?!”  Clarke’s sudden anger filled the room, her voice echoing around them.  “Because you convinced me that you cared and then you left me!  You left me to die, left me to fight for my people _alone_. _You_ are the monster that you feared yourself to be, Lexa, and I wanted to make sure you understood that in its deepest form.”  

      Clarke took yet another step forward and Lexa’s back hit a wall behind her as she struggled to keep the space between them.  “I could have let you die on that post weeks ago, but that would have been too quick- too easy.  This is much more satisfying.  Now you’ll die with the knowledge that you were never worth anything to anyone, least of all me.”

      Silence fell over them as Clarke’s words hit their mark, the last of Lexa’s resolve crumbling.  Clarke knew she had won by the look on Lexa’s face, the utter desolation now showing in her features, and she grinned widely.  She holstered her weapon as she watched the woman before her fall apart in front of her.  Another moment passed and Lexa’s sorrowful green eyes looked up at Clarke’s malicious ones.

      “I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered, the words heavy with remorse and regret.  “I never meant to turn you into this.”  

      Her words fell into the space between them, an echo of the same ones she had uttered so many weeks prior.  Lexa swore she saw a flicker of something in Clarke’s features, but she dismissed it as desperate hope to believe that Clarke was simply lying to her once more.  Her eyes widened as she took in the small metal box that Clarke had pulled out as she’d spoken.  Before she could react, Clarke depressed the button and a familiar high pitched tone filled the room.  Its effect on Lexa was immediate as she dropped her knife and fell to her knees, her hands clutching desperately at her ears.  The sound stopped momentarily, only to begin once more a few moments later, this time driving her to the ground in a desperate attempt to escape.  Pain burst behind her eyes, the sound cutting through her mind like the blade of a sword and she cried out in pain as she felt blood begin to trickle from her ears.

      She felt someone’s foot connecting with her ribs over and over again, but the pain was nothing compared to that of the sound wreaking havoc in her mind.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the noise stopped.  She took in a few harsh breaths as she cracked her eyes open.  She immediately spotted Clarke above her, emotionless grin still in place.  She watched helplessly as Clarke leaned in towards her.

      “By the time I finish with you, I’m going to make you wish you were dead,” the blonde promised.

      Lexa watched as Clarke depressed the button once more, the sound more painful than any time previously.  Lexa writhed on the ground for a few seconds before it became too much and she slipped blissfully into unconsciousness.

 

**XXX**

  
****

      When Lexa woke next, it was to find herself strung up with chains in what she immediately recognized as the Polis prison.  Her hands were secured above her head and the tension of the chains pulled at her shoulders, her toes just barely brushing on the floor beneath her.  She was uncontrollably swinging slowly back and forth.  The pain in her side was unlike anything she had ever experienced, her broken ribs protesting the way in which she was bound with each stilted breath.  The stench of decay, feces, and urine permeated the air as muffled pleas for help rang out unanswered.  Lexa pulled at the chains, testing their strength and found that they were much less forgiving than the ropes that had been previously used.  She sighed heavily as  she ran her tongue over her bottom lip, tasting dried blood and feeling the fresh cut that had taken up residence there.  She knew her face was likely covered in bruises, a product of her earlier treatment.  She stiffened as she heard a muffled groan behind her and realized she was not alone in the cell.  Turning her head as far as the chains allowed, she caught sight of familiar brunette locks, Octavia laying on the ground behind her, seemingly unconscious.

      “Octavia,” she called quietly, not wanting to alert anyone that she was awake.  When she received no response, she struggled to turn around a little further so her voice would carry as she called out once more.  “Octavia!”

      This time, she at least got a grumble from the other girl as she rolled over.  Lexa could see fresh blood falling from a wound on the young girls head.  At least she knew Octavia was alive, that was all that mattered to her at this point.

      “Heda!” The whisper was barely discernible and seemed to emanate from the cell to her left.  She recognized Lincoln’s voice immediately and relief as well as anger swept through her.

      “Lincoln?”  She struggled against the chains once more, the metal clinking together quietly as she did so.

      “Sha, Heda.  Are you alright?”  Lincoln’s voice was quiet, but clear enough that she could just barely make it out.

      Lexa genuinely thought about the question before answering, running through each of her injuries as she did so and categorizing them in order of severity.  She gauged that her ribs were the worst of the bunch, though she was fairly certain she couldn’t hear out of her right ear.

      “I’ve seen worse,” Lexa finally replied, the pitch and level of her voice matching Lincoln’s.  “Is Kai with you?”  Lexa asked, though she feared she already knew the answer.  If Kai had been helping Clarke all this time, then he would be with her, free.

      “No, Heda.  I have not seen him since I left to follow you…”  His tone indicated that he understood what Lexa was implying with her question.  He was silent a moment before hesitantly speaking once more.  “Is…is Octavia alive?”

      “Sha.  She is strong,” Lexa replied quickly, hearing Lincoln’s breath of relief.  “What happened?”

      “I shadowed you as you were scouting.  I saw you and Clarke talking, but didn’t realize in time what was going on,” Lincoln replied bitterly.  “By the time I realized she had a gun, it was too late.  You were already on the ground.  I tried to make it back to warn Octavia and Kai, but they were already gone as well, blood the only trace left behind to indicate that they’d been taken.  I was struck from behind and woke here.”

      “Ste yuj, Lincoln.  The others are coming,” Lexa reassured, her anger barely controlled.

      “Sha, Heda.”  Lincoln was quiet for a moment before asking another question.  “What happened to Clarke?  What did they do to her?  Kai’s betrayal was inevitable for he is Azgeda and was Nia’s right hand man for many seasons.”

      Lexa clenched her jaw in anger, the memories of what had occurred in the throne room flooding back all at once.  “Clarke was never on our side.  She fooled us.  She fooled me.”

      Lexa hated the silence that settled between them, the pregnancy of it as all the questions Lincoln must have had went unasked for fear of disrespecting his Commander.  Lexa silently cursed herself for allowing emotions to get in the way.  Love was weakness; when had she forgotten that?  Before either could speak any further, they heard voices approaching from down the hall.  The blood in Lexa’s veins froze as she recognized the male voices.  She steeled herself for what she knew was coming, Clarke appearing in front of her cell a few moments later.  Lexa struggled to maintain a neutral facade as Cage quickly joined her.

      “Ah, if it isn’t my favorite test subject!” Cage exclaimed as he clasped his hands in front of him.  “I’m so happy you’ve decided to rejoin us!”

      Lexa silently glared at him, her seething anger showing in her eyes.

      “Now, now.  Don’t be like that,” Cage chastised her.  “I’ll go retrieve Tyler and my kit and how about we pick up where we left off, _Commander_.”

      Lexa remained silent refusing to acknowledge him.  She maintained eye contact as she stood and grinned toothily at her, refusing to show him any fear.

      “Oh boy, I can tell this is going to be fun!” He exclaimed as he walked away.

      Clarke turned to leave as well, but Lexa called out to her, causing her to pause.  

      “You’re really going to let him do this?” Lexa asked, allowing her disbelief to seep through.

      When Clarke remained where she was, back to Lexa and silent, Lexa yanked on her chains once more causing them to clatter together loudly.

      “You know what he is planning!  No one wishes it, even on their worst enemies!  Wake up, Clarke!  This isn’t you!”  Lexa exclaimed, finally allowing all the anger and frustration she’d been concealing out into the open.

      “This is me!” Clarke roared as she turned to face Lexa.  “You don’t know me, Lexa!  You never did!  You just knew who I wanted you to think I was!”

      “I don’t believe that, Clarke.  Not for one minute,” Lexa argued back as she shook her head.  “What we had, what we shared- that wasn’t an act.”

      She watched as Clarke laughed angrily in front of her.  “You don’t know anything.  I never cared for you.  Ever.”

      Lexa paused as she heard Octavia groan behind her once more, the chains securing her rattling as she began to move and come to.

      “Even if you never cared about me, look at her.  Look at Octavia.  Or Lincoln.  Look what has happened to them.  They are your friends, your people.” Lexa tried to appeal to any side of Clarke that was left that still cared.

      She watched as Clarke’s eyes hardened, the anger falling behind a carefully crafted mask.

      “I have no people,” she deadpanned.

      With that, she retreated back the way she had come, the sound of the main door opening and closing the only sound to indicate that she’d gone.  Lexa growled in frustration as she pulled once more at her chains.  Getting no where, she sagged, her full weight pulling on her shoulders.  She took in a ragged breath as she tried to keep herself in check.  If she lost control now, all hope of getting them out would be lost.  She could not allow emotion to intervene when she needed reason and logic to prevail. 

      “Heda…”  Octavia’s weak voice filtered up from the floor behind her.

      “Octavia!” Lexa quietly exclaimed, relief evident in her voice.  “Are you alright?”

      “I have a whopping headache, and I’m fairly certain I’m hallucinating, but I think I’m alright otherwise,” came Octavia’s response.

      Lexa heard the chains behind her moving as Octavia shifted.  “Did Clarke really just refuse to help us?” Octavia asked, clearly confused.  “Or was that a hallucination?”

      “It was not a hallucination,” Lexa bit out.  “It seems as though Clarke has betrayed me.  Betrayed us all.”

      She heard Octavia groan behind her, the chains rattling once more.  “So I suppose I should thank her for ending up here?”

      “I think Kai is who you need to speak to, but yes, Clarke had a hand in it,” Lexa replied tiredly. 

      “I just remember Kai rushing at me.  After that, everything went dark,” Octavia mused, her hand coming up to prod at the cut on her forehead.  “Damn.  He clocked me.”

      Lexa had never heard the phrase, but the meaning behind the words were clear.  “It would seem so.  Test your chains, see if they will break,” Lexa ordered quietly, hopeful that at least one of them would make it out.

      She heard Octavia pulling on them violently, the noise echoing off the stone floors and walls loudly.  Octavia made a valiant effort for a few minutes, but finally Lexa heard her huff out a frustrated breath.

      “I’ve got no leeway in mine,” Octavia admitted regretfully.  “Judging by how you’re hanging, I’d guess you don’t have any either.”

      Lexa just shook her head, the hope she’d had fading quickly.  All she could do now was wait for an opportunity where someone let their guard down and exploit it.  _To do what?_ , she asked herself.  _You’re only one person.  One person in a city full of enemies._ Lexa knew the situation looked hopeless.  She only hoped that by the time that she was able to get free, Luna and Indra would be arriving to wreak havoc on the rest of the city.  She perked up when she heard voices moving their direction once more, hoping for a guard or someone that she could force a key from.  Her heart fell as Clarke reappeared at her cell, Cage and Tyler in tow.  She immediately recognized the briefcase that Tyler was holding and her stomach rolled at the thought of what was contained in it.  Even more disturbing was how part of her craved what he had, wished for it even.

      “Shall we begin where we left off?” Cage asked innocently as Tyler laughed beside him.  

      Lexa looked to Clarke, her eyes pleading with the blonde not to let this happen.  Clarke merely stepped closer to the bars that separated them and glared at Lexa.

      “I told you that when I finished with you, you were going to wish you were dead,” Clarke snarled.  “I’m here to keep that promise.”

      Lexa felt the last glimmer of hope that Clarke was pulling a spectacular ruse fade away as the blonde produced the key to the cell.  Clarke quickly unlocked the door and swung it open, stepping aside to allow Cage and Tyler into the cell.

      “Gentlemen, after you,” Clarke said, her arm sweeping out to indicate they should go first.

      “Don’t mind if we do,” Cage said giddily as he stepped in, Tyler close on his heels.

      “Clarke, don’t do this!” Octavia yelled from where she was still sitting on the floor.  “This isn’t you.  You love Lexa, I know you do!”

      Clarke’s answer was swift in the form of a boot connecting with Octavia’s already battered head.  Lexa watched from the corner of her eye as the younger girl slumped to the floor, unconscious once more.  She pulled on her own chains in frustration, her feet kicking out wildly as she made one last ditch effort to fight.  She was granted a satisfying grunt from Tyler as she caught him in the side of the face, but she was repaid in kind when his meaty fist connected with her ribs.  The strike sent her reeling, but she refused to stop fighting.  They’d taken advantage of her once before, she was not going to allow it again.  She managed to swing her feet up enough to ensnare Tyler’s neck between them, her legs squeezing with all their might.  She watched as his hands clawed uselessly at her legs, trying to break their grip as they slowly suffocated him.  She watched with satisfaction as his face turned from red to a shade of purple.

      “ENOUGH!” The yell came from her side.  

      She glanced over to see Cage with a gun pointed at Clarke, the hammer pulled back.  Clarke had a look of anger on her face as she watched Cage, but she didn’t seem concerned that her life was in imminent danger.  Lexa was, however, and immediately released Tyler from her grasp.  The man fell to his knees and gasped for air as he rubbed at his neck.  

      “Now, no more or I swear I will put a bullet in her brain,” Cage threatened as he moved to collect his case, the guns aim never leaving Clarke.

      Lexa watched as he opened the case and pulled out a vial full of the red liquid she knew would be in there.  Her eyes tracked Tyler as he moved to take the gun from Cage, keeping it on Clarke as his free hand continued to rub at his neck.  He glared at Lexa as Cage loaded the serum into the syringe, tapping it to release the air bubbles before holding it in front of her face.  

      “Don’t try to pretend you haven’t missed this,” Cage hissed as he moved around to her side.  

      Lexa remained silent, her eyes locking with Clarke’s.  She pulled away slightly as she saw Cage drawing nearer, but she knew she couldn’t go anywhere.  Despite everything that had happened, she wasn’t willing to fight if it meant that Clarke would lose her life.  She still cared deeply for the woman, even if it was all a ruse.  She closed her eyes as she felt the needle bite into the skin of her neck, just praying that it would all be over soon.

 


	18. Chapter 18

      Lexa felt the serum enter her system, could feel it spreading from her neck down to her toes, the sensation more familiar than Lexa cared to admit.  As she felt it curl in her chest, pumping through her heart, she opened her eyes to find blue eyes staring back at her, unwavering.  The familiarity of those eyes washed over her as her eyes fluttered closed once more and memories played across her mind.

 

**XXX**

 

       _“I don’t want to do this, Lexa,” Clarke argued as she crossed her arms in front of her, discontent written across her features.  “I refuse.”_

_Lexa stood from where she’d been sitting on the blanket in the cove- their cove._

_“Clarke, please.  Just think about it.” Lexa pled as she walked over to her and pulled her arms apart so she could take Clarke’s hands in her own.  “We’ve been over a thousand different scenarios, this is the only one that even has a chance of working.”_

_Clarke sighed heavily as she pulled away from Lexa.  “That’s the thing.  We don’t even know that this would work!  You can’t expect me to go along with this.”_

_“It will work.  I trust you.  I trust us,” Lexa countered, watching as Clarke’s features were caught in the low glow of the glowing paint overhead._

_Lexa marveled at how beautiful Clarke was, her breath catching in her throat as she once again wondered how she was lucky enough to have Clarke in her life.  Clarke, however, still looked unconvinced and instead began to pace as she chewed on her bottom lip.  Lexa found the actions endearing, as she watched Clarke in silent wonderment for a moment.  She watched as Clarke’s internal battle played out across her features, the argument louder than if Clarke had used words._

_“Clarke.”_

_The single word fell quietly into the space between them, but had the desired effect as Clarke paused, her back turned to Lexa.  There was a tense silence for a moment, and then Lexa watched as Clarke’s shoulders slumped, seemingly in defeat at the truth they both knew Clarke couldn’t dispute._

_“Are you sure this is the only way?”  Even though it was whispered, Lexa heard it clearly over the quiet crashing of the waves._

_“You know as well as I do, this is the only plan we’ve thought of that might actually have any possibility of working,” Lexa insisted.  “If we attack Polis directly, Cage and Nia could both take the opportunity to run during the battle like the cowards they are.  We need to end this, once and for all.  They both need to pay for what they’ve done.  Jus drein, jus daun.”_

_She watched as Clarke ran a hand through her hair in exasperation, one of the nervous ticks Lexa had noticed the blonde resorted to when she was particularly stressed.  She smiled slightly as her eyes moved once more to trace the painted constellations Clarke had worked so studiously on, giving the blonde as much time as she needed to process Lexa’s suggestion.  She felt a familiar warmth blossom in her chest as she was again struck at how much effort Clarke had put into the painting just for her.  A small part of her mind still begged her to run, to place the lid back on the emotions that she had allowed to escape in the past few weeks.  Despite all of the logical warnings, Lexa knew her heart and she knew it was too late; Clarke was a major part of her life, her existence.  She looked forward to the day things would calm down and they would be able to actually settle into a routine and a life together, hoping that Clarke had similar feelings._

_She was drawn from her thoughts as Clarke slowly walked over to where she was patiently standing, Clarke circling her arms around Lexa and resting her head on her chest._

_“Nia isn’t dumb.  The things I would have to say or the things I may have to do just to convince her…what if she tries to make me hurt you?  Not just emotionally, but physically?” Lexa felt Clarke shudder against her.  “I couldn’t even imagine things that dark, let alone hurting you like that.  I can’t.  I won’t.”_

_Lexa pulled back slightly, her eyes meeting Clarke’s in the dim light.  “Clarke, it would be an act, I know that.”_

_“Regardless.  To do something like that…to get that dark…I don’t know that I could get to that place.  That’s not me anymore,” Clarke whispered as her fingers brushed back a few strands of hair from Lexa’s face.  “I’m not sure I ever had that level of hate within me.”_

_Lexa smiled at her, leaning into the touch. She brought her hand up to cover Clarke’s, her eyes never leaving the deep blue ones in front of her.  “Clarke, I will never make you do anything you do not wish to.  If you are not comfortable with it, we will figure something else out.”_

_Clarke sighed again and Lexa recognized the resigned but determined look on her features as she did so.  “No.  You’re right, as you usually are.  I just need to wrap my mind around the fact that we don’t have any better options.  We can’t get close enough to use the element of surprise with a direct attack and we will definitely need surprise to ensure that both Nia and Cage are dealt with.”_

_“I agree,” Lexa murmured as she nodded._

_Clarke rolled her eyes and a corner of her mouth lifted in a half smile.  “You would,” she replied ruefully._

_Clarke moved over to the blanket, the same one that had seen them give themselves over to each other only moments ago, the blonde settling into a seated position upon it.  She beckoned Lexa over and the brunette moved to sit behind Clarke, bringing Clarke’s back to rest on her chest as she wrapped her arms around the blonde.  A comfortable silence fell over them as they watched the steady glow of the water before them, the gentle aura comforting to both of them._

_“Do you remember back before the mountain, back when we hardly knew each other?”  Lexa asked and she felt Clarke nod against her, a quiet laugh escaping the blonde._

_“You mean back when I found you intimidating and slightly scary?” Clarke asked, an actual smile appearing on her face._

_“Hey, I’m still intimidating!” Lexa exclaimed feigning hurt though her tone remained playful.  “You’ve just grown used to it.”_

_“Maybe,” Clarke agreed as she settled back into Lexa further.  “Mostly I just think you’re cute now.”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes and grumbled under her breath, Clarke only catching bits and pieces.  She thought she heard something along the lines of ‘I’ll show you cute’, but she couldn’t be certain.  She chuckled lightly, amazed she could still do so with the severity of what she was going to have to do still looming above her._

_“Moving on,” Lexa said as she nudged Clarke playfully.  “You told me that we deserved more than just surviving, do you remember?”  Lexa felt Clarke nod once more.  “This is our chance to do more than survive.  This is our chance to actually live.”_

_Clarke was silent for a long moment as she weighed Lexa’s words and smiled wider at the fact that Lexa had remembered them after all this time.  “That seems like ages ago.”_

_“Yet it nonetheless remains true,” Lexa quietly pointed out.  “Despite everything we have both endured, this has still been one of the happiest times of my life.  I want the chance to see this through and that will never happen with Nia and Cage free.”_

_“I want that chance too,” Clarke admitted, turning to press a kiss to Lexa’s cheek._

_Lexa hugged Clarke closer, finding comfort in the other woman’s proximity.  “Blood must have blood, Clarke.  This ensures the greatest chance of that happening.”_

_“I know…it’s just so hateful.  I don’t want to lose us, lose what you and I have built here in the name of defeating them.  What’s the point then?  If we’re lost to each other regardless?”  Then, more quietly, Clarke asked the one thing she was most afraid of.  “What if I lose myself?  What if I can’t come back from the place I have to go to accomplish this?”_

_“I will ensure that does not happen,” Lexa soothed.  “They’ve already taken so much.  They will not take this too.”_

_Clarke remained quiet, clearly still wary of the prospect of even just playing at betraying Lexa._

_“Do you trust me, Clarke?” Lexa quietly asked._

_“Of course,” Clarke replied immediately, her words echoing those spoken by Lexa earlier.  “With my life.”_

_“Then all will be well,” Lexa assured her as she placed a kiss on top of Clarke’s head._

_“For the record, I still liked our plan of running away and living in sin in the woods a whole lot better,” Clarke muttered unhappily._

_Lexa laughed quietly, the sound rumbling in her chest.  “As did I.  However, we can not run from our responsibilities.”_

_“I know.  I already tried running once.  Even though it eventually brought me back to you, I don’t think I could do it again.  Not this time,” Clarke revealed._

_Lexa nodded sagely, understanding completely the pull that Clarke felt to stand by her people despite her personal desires.  It was something that Clarke had needed to figure out for herself, something Lexa knew she would because in the end, Clarke was a true leader._

_“It takes great courage and self-sacrifice to lead people.  Not everyone is willing to make the difficult decisions that you have,” Lexa pointed out._

_“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice,” Clarke murmured to herself._

_Lexa remained quiet, giving Clarke time to process on her own and come to her own conclusion on what she would prefer to do.  They took solace in the peace that the cove offered them, both wishing they could stay in that moment forever.  Finally, she felt rather than heard Clarke sigh resignedly against her as the blonde turned slightly in her arms so that she could look at Lexa._

_“Ok, so how do we go about doing this?” Clarke finally asked in defeat._

_Lexa relaxed slightly at the thought that they were finally going to have a chance at beating not only Nia, but also Cage.  She knew it would be difficult, but she had meant it when she told Clarke that if anyone could pull this off, they could._

_“Thank-you, Clarke,” she murmured quietly.  “This will be difficult for both of us, but I believe it will give us the best result for both us and our people.”_

_“I know.  That’s why I'm agreeing to it- to a certain extent,” Clarke clarified, giving Lexa a pointed look._

_“Of course, whatever you are comfortable with,” Lexa conceded. “If I may, I have some further ideas on how exactly we should gain entrance to Polis.”_

_Clarke gestured at Lexa to continue speaking and Lexa took a deep breath before delving into exactly what she had been thinking._

_“I think the most logical way to gain entry to Polis is going to be as your prisoner.  That will set us up from the start and perhaps lower Nia’s guard,” Lexa began._

_“You don't think Nia will see right through that?” Clarke asked curiously._

_“I think she will see what she wants to, we just have to cater to that,” Lexa rationalized.   “You betraying me is likely the last thing she'll expect after you were the one that saved me.  We need to come up with a plausible back story that would convince her of: one- why you would have saved me initially just to turn me over later, two- why you stayed with me afterwards for so long, and three- what happened that you suddenly felt the need to turn me over.”_

_“Oh sure, shouldn’t be a problem,” Clarke replied sarcastically, doubt clouding her features._

_“Well I think I at least have a solution for the first two, but it would require an extreme level of commitment from you.  A level that you likely would not be comfortable with but that I think has the best chance of swaying Nia,” Lexa suggested hesitantly._

_Clarke turned a little further to look at Lexa sternly.  “Exactly how long have you been planning my ‘betrayal’ of you?” she asked surprised._

_“It has been on my mind for a few days,” Lexa admitted sheepishly.  “It is always wise to be prepared.”_

_“I bet you're really good at chess,” Clarke mused as her gaze roamed Lexa’s features in the dim light._

_“What is this ‘chess’?” Lexa asked as Clarke chuckled at the confused look on her face._

_“Just a game of strategy that requires you to see far ahead of your opponent.  Essentially you need to foresee exactly what your opponent will do, how they will try to win, and out maneuver them,” Clarke explained.  “We used to play on the Ark and I was decent, but I think you would put me to shame.  Anyways, we're getting off topic.  Tell me what your solutions are.”_

_Lexa took a deep breath before she launched into the loose idea she'd been playing with the last few days.  “I believe the first point is the one that you may take the most issue with, the one about you saving me just to turn me over later.”  Lexa paused and Clarke signaled her to continue, silently steeling herself for what Lexa was about to say.  “Suppose you had known all along that you would eventually ‘betray’ me.  That you were playing the long game, as you phrased it.”_

_“Ok, I follow you so far,” Clarke acknowledged.  “However, I’d like to point out once again that I would absolutely never do this to you in real life.”_

_Lexa smiled warmly, “I appreciate your reassurances, Clarke, though they are unnecessary.  As I said earlier, I trust you.”_

_“Oh I know.  I just want it out there in no uncertain terms that even if I agree to go along with this, I don’t like it,” Clarke said seriously._

_“Your concerns have been noted,” Lexa laughed.  “May I continue now?”_

_Clarke gave her a look, but reluctantly nodded for Lexa to go on._

_“You can say that the idea took hold the moment I betrayed you and left you to die at Mount Weather,” Lexa began as she noticed the subtle shift in Clarke’s demeanor at the mention of the Mountain.  “You can claim that I played with your heart and emotions in order to use you and your people to free mine and that you never forgave me from just being able to walk away.”_

_“Wow, I’m really spiteful,” Clarke joked, trying to lighten the mood.  Lexa simply gave her a pointed look.  “Ok, I’m sorry.  No more interruptions.  Carry on with demoralizing me.”_

_“Thank-you,” Lexa smiled briefly before continuing.  “Until you saw me tied to that post, it was just a fuzzy idea- an outline- something that you’d never actually believed you had a chance of putting into motion,” Lexa continued.  “The moment you saw your opportunity, however, the plan came into focus and you knew that you couldn’t miss the chance to repay my betrayal in kind.”_

_Clarke shifted as Lexa spoke, turning to completely face Lexa._

_“You knew that your patience would pay off in the long run if you could truly convince me that you cared for me.  That, combined with eventually turning me over to Nia, would ultimately result in not only my physical demise, but also my emotional and mental unraveling as well.”  Lexa’s tone had turned somber as she spoke, and Clarke pulled one of her hands into her own to impart some of her strength to the Grounder.  “You saw this as the ultimate vengeance for what I had done to you at the mountain, knowing that it would far exceed the standards of ‘blood must have blood’ but was nonetheless deserved.  Turning me over would be the final straw, so to speak, because you would be turning me over to the woman who brutally murdered my first love and took my title from me.  That final betrayal would ensure I was dismantled on every level, that your vengeance was true, and that appealed to you more than anything else.”_

_Lexa fell quiet as Clarke continued to stare at her in quiet shock.  Lexa knew that whatever Clarke had been anticipating, she had surpassed her expectations with just how truly dark her plan was._

_“Well…all I can say is that I really hate that version of myself and I hope I never have it within me to actually do that to someone I care for,” Clarke finally managed, clearly still reeling._

_“Nia is a truly vicious human being.  The darker the plan, the more likely she is to believe it,” Lexa replied.  “She has no heart, no soul and will jump on the opportunity to see mine crushed.  It is easy to play to her weakness’ when you know what they are.  In this case: me.”_

_“As much as I hate it and am not sure whether I’ll be able to stoop to that level of treachery, it does make logical sense to play her this way,” Clarke admitted.  “Even having only dealt with Nia briefly, it was clear that she thrives on the pain and misery of others.”_

_“Exactly, which is why my next point should also play right into her twisted psyche,” Lexa reasoned._

_“Jeez, at this rate I can’t see how I could possibly grow worse as a person, but I’m sure you’ll manage to surprise me,” Clarke grumbled dryly._

_Lexa moved her free hand to cup Clarke’s face, running her thumb over the smooth skin.  “Remember, none of this is real,” she assured.  “I don’t see you as this person, merely who you’ll need to portray so that we survive.”_

_Clarke nodded, flashing Lexa a smile.  “I know.  Please, continue.”_

_“The second point: why you remained with me for so long after saving me.”  Lexa took yet another deep breath, as though steeling herself as well for what she was about to say.  “You knew that I would be wary of you if you immediately forgave me for what occurred at Mount Weather.  You knew you would have to be thorough in convincing me and something of that magnitude would require time and patience.  So all this time, you’ve been playing me while bidding your time as you waited for the perfect moment to exact your revenge.”_

_“Oh I was wrong.  It’s getting worse.”  Clarke groaned._

_“You knew a plan of this magnitude would take time and a lot of convincing, which will easily explain why you spent so much time with me when you could have either turned me over or just left me to die that day.”  Lexa was the one that shifted now, subconsciously trying to distance herself, and the darkness she was inviting into their space, away from Clarke.  “You couldn’t possibly inform Nia of your plan because the chances of you getting caught communicating with her would have been very high.  She will likely overlook that misstep by you because she’ll have me, that thing she desires most.”_

_Clarke sighed heavily, but didn’t say anything as Lexa seemed to mentally gather herself to continue._

_“So you stayed. And you waited. You made it seem like you were just as upset with Nia's reign as I was, planning an attack with me, sleeping with me, pretending to care deeply for me.  All so that you could lure me in to a false sense of security that would ensure I was by your side as we attacked Polis.  You would ensure that we were somehow captured so that we would have no choice but to have a face-to-face with Nia.”_

_Clarke gave Lexa’s hand a reassuring squeeze when the brunette paused to take a breath, recognizing how difficult this was for not only her, but also Lexa._

_“Nia would likely separate us when we were first captured, to question us separately as she attempted to find any holes in our story.  She believes you to be a kind and caring person who has feelings for me and she assumes that if you were being honest about betraying me, you would have no issue in telling me yourself that you never cared and it was all a ploy.  In fact, she would insist that you be the one to tell me of your betrayal.  She would likely want to gauge my reaction so both of us will need to be convincing in our act.”_

_Clarke was shaking her head now, disgust etched into her features, but Lexa didn't stop.  She knew if she did, she may never get it all out._

_“Yes, you will have to say some truly awful things, things that you know will cut to the core.  You have to make it believable though, or we'll never be able to take advantage of the opportunity this could afford us.  There will likely be some physical requirements, such as you needing to strike me at some point.  Likely some kind of physical retaliation on your part to prove your commitment the story you’ve told Nia.  Whatever naturally plays into the story should be carried out.  Any hesitation or refusal to do so will immediately get both of us killed.  Do you understand?”_

_Lexa fixed Clarke with an unwavering stare and Clarke nodded, not trusting herself to speak._

_“Clarke, you have to be completely committed to this or it will never work,” Lexa stressed.  “Nia will see right through it and we will be eliminated before we can accomplish our endgame.  She needs to trust you so that you’re somewhat free to do as you please.  She will keep a close eye on you, but you likely won’t be held prisoner.  The goal is to get to both Nia and Cage.  If Nia is not convinced, we'll never see Cage.”_

_“How can you be sure she won't just kill us on sight?” Clarke finally asked, finding her voice._

_“I can’t be sure, though I don’t believe she’ll want either of us dead before she has a hand in our torture and demise.  Once you admit your betrayal, she will want to prolong my suffering as long as possible and likely build on it.  Seeing me that broken will encourage her to turn me over to Cage so that he can pick up where he left off.”  Lexa's tone turned bitter at the thought of having to be under Cage's influence once more._

_“No.” The word fell vehemently from Clarke's mouth as she stood and pushed away from Lexa.  “Absolutely not.  I am not going to do all of this just so that you get turned over to Cage to actually be tortured!  A fake betrayal is one thing.  Real torture is not something I’m going to ever agree to.”_

_“Clarke-,” Lexa began, but was cut off when the blonde angrily whirled on her._

_“No!  It's not happening, Lexa.  There has to be another way because I am not agreeing to that,” Clarke nearly yelled as she glared at Lexa.  “Try again.”_

_“Clarke, it's the only way.  I don't want that serum in my system any more than you do, but we need to get to Cage,” Lexa argued.  “Giving him me ensures that you’ll have an opportunity to take him out.”_

_“There has to be another way,” Clarke insisted once more.  “Besides, if you’re under the influence of the Red, then you’ll be basically useless in the fight anyways.”_

_“Yes, but I’ll prove distracting enough that you’ll be able to eliminate Cage and then Nia,”   Lexa tried to rationalize._

_A tense silence fell over the cove as Clarke glared angrily at Lexa.  Lexa could see tears of frustration glistening in Clarke’s eyes, but could tell the blonde was doing everything she could to make sure they didn’t fall._

_“I will not lose you to that stuff again,” Clarke finally whispered.  “You nearly died the last time.”_

_“Yes, but that was a prolonged exposure over months,” Lexa stated.  “This would hopefully only be a few doses.  I know you would be looking for your opportunity to strike as soon as possible which would limit the amount introduced into my system.”_

_“It doesn’t matter!” Clarke exclaimed, a single tear rolling down her cheek.  “He probably won’t factor in your recovery and try to give you the same large dosage he had you worked up to at the end last time.  Even I can’t save you from that.”_

_Lexa moved to stand as well, walking tentatively over to Clarke.  When Clarke showed no sign of moving away, Lexa pulled her in and wrapped her arms around her, rubbing circles into her back._

_“Death is not the end, Clarke,” Lexa murmured quietly._

_“Maybe not for you, but your death would be my end,” Clarke revealed, her voice cracking._

_Lexa squeezed her tighter, wishing she could do more to soothe her but knowing that neither of them would rest until both Nia and Cage were gone.  They stood that way for a while, Clarke grappling with the difficult journey ahead while Lexa tried to reconcile her own demons.  She didn’t ever want to become that blood thirsty, death hungry savage again, but she would sacrifice herself temporarily if it ensured the freedom of her people.  Clarke pulled back to look at her after a while, her tears still held at bay._

_“You didn’t tell me how we’re going to explain your third point- why I’ve all of a sudden decided to betray you,” Clarke pointed out._

_“I’m still working on that one,” Lexa replied as she frowned.  “I’m sure we will come up with something.”_

_Clarke took a step back so that she could look at Lexa more fully, a resigned but determined look on her face.  “Alright.  I’ll agree to this.”_

_Before Lexa could respond, Clarke held up a hand._

_“Under one condition,” Clarke finished._

_“Name your terms,” Lexa prompted, her hands moving to sit on Clarke’s waist._

_“There will be no Red.  If I even see Cage go near you with that stuff, I’m abandoning the plan,” Clarke told her._

_“Clarke, you can not abandon the plan.  You would favor saving me, one person, over an entire nation of people?” Lexa questioned disbelievingly.  “I beg you not to do that.  I would give my life a thousand times over for my people.”_

_“Maybe that’s your choice, but it is certainly not mine,” Clarke replied hotly.  “You are more important to me.”_

_Lexa smiled at Clarke warmly, understanding exactly what Clarke meant, but she wasn’t going to budge on this point.  The fate of her people rested on this plan succeeding._

_“Clarke, please, see reason,” Lexa pled.  “We have the chance to save hundreds of thousands of people who have been suffering under Nia.  Is it because they are not your people?”_

_“You know as well as I do, I consider us all one, Lexa,” Clarke argued, anger flashing in her eyes.  “Your people, my people- there is no difference.”_

_“Then you do not wish to save your people?”  Lexa quirked a brow as Clarke’s lips settled into a thin line as she realized Lexa had backed her into a corner.  “You would choose to save me over all your people?  If we are going to choose to be this selfish, we should just run off into the woods and not bother at all.”_

_Clarke was silent a long moment as she regarded Lexa, the internal debate in her head making her bite her lip.  Finally, after a long moment, Clarke sighed in defeat._

_“I can’t stand the annoying amount that you’ve been right tonight,” Clarke grumbled._

_“What is it your people say?  ‘Get used to it’?” Lexa asked with a smirk._

_Clarke rolled her eyes, but Lexa could see the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth._

_“I’m just going to have to kill Cage before he can inject you, is all.  Then I don’t have to worry,” Clarke concluded._

_“Now that,” Lexa murmured as she pulled Clarke back to her, “is a plan that I support.”_

_Clarke closed the distance between them as she pressed her lips to Lexa’s.  She found solace in the warmth and familiarity they offered her, soothing her fears for the moment.  Before she became too lost in the feel of them, however, she broke the kiss and pulled back to look at Lexa once more._

_“I think we should continue this back in our bed,” Clarke breathed as she ghosted her lips against Lexa’s.  “As amazing as this has been, the tide will be coming in soon.”_

_“I agree, but first, I have something for you also,” Lexa replied as she moved over to where she’d left her top shirt._

_She dug around in the shirt for a moment before producing something slightly larger than her hand.  In the dim lighting, Clarke couldn’t make it out until Lexa had returned to within a few feet of her._

_“I had the blacksmith fashion this for you when I noticed you lost yours in the last battle with Azgeda,” Lexa stated as she handed the item to Clarke._

_Clarke took it and immediately recognized it to be a dagger.  She ran her hands over the smooth leather that the blade was seated in, marveling at the texture.  Her hands moved to caress the hilt, her fingers tracing over the stone that was set just behind the guard of the blade._

_“Hold it up to the light,” Lexa told her quietly._

_Clarke gave her a curious look, but moved over to the mouth of the cove to use the light the moon was offering.  Holding up the knife, Lexa heard a quiet gasp escape her._

_“That stone was a piece that I retrieved weeks ago from the rocks you destroyed when you were upset with me.  Back in the woods around the Pauna’s lair,” Lexa revealed, noticing a knowing smile appear on Clarke’s face.  “I kept it in my pocket for weeks, constantly rolling it around until it smoothed out.  I had it polished so that you could see all the defects in the stone.  The defects create a galaxy of their own when held up in the light.  I noticed that you also find solace in the stars and thought being able to carry around a piece of that may bring you peace in everyday life.”_

_“Lexa, this is beautiful,” Clarke said in awe as she continued to examine the stone.  “Thank-you so much.”_

_“Hopefully it serves you well,” Lexa replied._

_“It will,” Clarke assured her as she moved to press a kiss against her lips.  “This means more to me then you’ll ever know.”_

_“So will this,” Lexa said gesturing to the cove and the glowing ceiling above them._

_“I’ll consider this ours forever now, you know that right?” Clarke grinned as she moved to gather her clothing and the furs._

_“As will I,” Lexa replied, also moving to dress and assist Clarke._

_Once they were ready, Lexa slipped her hand into Clarke’s and gave the cove once last look before they picked their way back across the rocks._

_“I feel better knowing that we have an actual plan now, despite how much I don’t like it,” Clarke mentioned to her as they jumped onto the sand below._

_“As do I.  I really do believe that we can make this work,” Lexa added.  “However, we should keep this between us for now until we are ready to act.  We never know where Nia has eyes and ears.”_

_“The others won’t like it, but I think that is for the best.  I’ll just be glad when all of this is over,” Clarke sighed._

_“Me too,” Lexa agreed._

_They fell into a comfortable silence, walking hand in hand up the beach toward the village.  Lexa noticed a familiar mess of red curls moving quickly towards them from up ahead._

_“Why is Luna running at us like a crazy person?” Lexa asked more to herself than Clarke._

_“Maybe she’s coming to congratulate us on finally getting some alone time,” Clarke suggested._

_“Clarke, be serious,” Lexa replied rolling her eyes, though she had to struggle to keep the smirk off her own face as she watched Clarke beaming beside her._

_They watched as Luna drew near, and Lexa had to fight the smile that threatened to reveal everything they’d just been doing._

 

**XXX**

 

      Lexa opened her eyes to find Clarke still staring at her, a knowing look in her eyes.  Lexa waited for the burning to begin, for the Red to reclaim her body, but the sensation never came.  Before even Cage could realize his drug was ineffective, Lexa saw Clarke moving with a speed she’d learned to associate with the blonde.  Before Tyler knew what was happening, his hand along with the gun, were on the floor before him, no longer attached to his body.  It took him a moment to register what had happened before he was suddenly screaming in pain and clutching at the stump that was left behind.  He fell to his knees as his eyes stared at the stump his hand had been attached to moments ago.  Clarke had a satisfied smirk on her face and Lexa’s eyes caught sight of the dagger she had given her- now bloodied in her capable hands.  Lexa watched as Cage struggled to understand what was happening, his eyes widening in disbelief as he took in the scene before him.  

      Suddenly, several things happened at once.  Clarke delivered a solid kick to the side of Tyler’s head effectively ending his screaming and rendering him unconscious, Cage dove to the ground to retrieve the gun from Tyler’s severed hand, and Octavia was no longer unconscious or chained to the floor.  Lexa watched in surprise as the young girl suddenly jumped into action, tackling Cage before he could retrieve the gun.  Clarke sheathed her knife as Octavia continued to wrestle with Cage on the ground, the man letting out enough grunts to let Lexa know Octavia was winning.  Clarke moved quickly toward her, her expression already morphing into one of apology as she reached up to free Lexa’s wrists.

      “Lexa, I am so sorry,” Clarke apologized as Lexa’s wrists were freed and she finally planted her feet on the ground, the pain in her ribs minimizing infinitesimally.  Clarke’s hands came to her face, one brushing away her hair while the other prodded the wound above her right eye that Clarke had caused with the butt of the gun earlier.  “I didn’t have a choice, Nia sent out three guards with me when she realized you were here.  I had to do it or they would have known.”

      “Think nothing of it, Clarke.  We knew it would be a possibility,” Lexa soothed, her own hands coming up to brush over the bruising that she could now clearly make out in Clarke’s hairline.  “What happened?”

      Clarke smiled ruefully.  “Just because I had to let them take me prisoner didn’t mean I had to make it easy on them.  They didn’t like that I guess.”

      They both turned as they heard the fighting behind them cease, Octavia standing and running a hand over her clothing to smooth it out.  Cage was on the ground behind her, clearly unconscious as bruises started blossoming on his face.  

      “I hate that guy,” Octavia muttered slightly out of breath.

      “I don’t understand what is happening,” Lexa said, clearly confused.  “How am I not a Reaper and why is Octavia conscious?”

      “I didn’t actually kick her.  She just made it look good.”  Clarke looked at her guiltily as she smiled slightly.  “I filled in Octavia while you were talking to Luna after the clan leaders met the night I left.  I told her our plan and asked her to bring in Kai, who managed to also convince Nia that he had been out looking for us this whole time.  He’s a superb actor, by the way.  I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do it, but he was supposed to find Cage’s supply of Red and replace them.  I told you: no Red.”

      Lexa simply blinked in response, too surprised to say anything.

      “Sorry to play you, Commander, but it had to look as real as possible,” Octavia replied as she grinned from ear to ear.  “If you knew the Red was fake, you may have reacted differently which would have tipped Cage off.”

      Lexa simply stared at the the two of them, at a loss for words.  Suddenly, she remembered how she had ended up in Polis in the first place.  She looked at Clarke and worked to keep the anger and hurt out of her tone when she spoke.

      “You left me,” she stated simply.

      An uncomfortable silence echoed around them as she and Clarke stared at each other.

      “Right.  Well I’m just going to work on getting us out of here while you two discuss that,” Octavia said as she excused herself to studiously examine the cell.

      “I have the key, Octavia,” Clarke pointed out.

      “Oh I know, but I’m not trying to get in the middle of that,” she said gesturing between Clarke and Lexa.

      Clarke rolled her eyes at the girl before turning back to Lexa, who was still staring at Clarke as she waited for an explanation.  Clarke took a step toward Lexa, but the brunette shook her head once.  Clarke’s features softened in understanding and she nodded.

      “Lexa, please try to understand,” Clarke began.

      “Understand what?  How you could just leave me with a _note_?  Explain it to me, Clarke because I don’t understand why you’d abandon me when we had a perfectly workable plan to save both our people,” Lexa seethed, anger creeping into her tone.

      “It wasn’t workable, not for me,” Clarke revealed.  “I was so afraid she was just going to kill you outright if I brought you as my prisoner.  Even though she said she wanted you and it would have fulfilled that third point that we were struggling with- why I’d suddenly want to turn you over- I couldn’t risk your life.”

      “That is not your choice to make,” Lexa pointed out.

      “Maybe not, but I couldn’t stand by and let it happen either,” Clarke shot back.  “So I decided to leave early to try and spend as much time as I could working on Nia to ensure that killing you on sight was not an option.”

      Lexa remained quiet, her anger not quite quelled even though she understood Clarke’s point.

      “I wish it could have been different, but you would have never allowed me to go on my own,” Clarke reasoned.  “This was the only way I could see that I made sure I did everything I possibly could to keep you safe.”

      “It is true.  I would have argued with you not to go,” Lexa agreed, as she allowed herself to relax slightly, letting go of her anger.  “Just promise me you’ll never, ever do anything like that again.”

      “I swear it,” Clarke replied as she stepped toward Lexa once more.

      This time, Lexa pulled her in, wrapping her arms around the blonde and finally feeling herself relax completely as she felt Clarke melt into her.

      “I was so worried,” Lexa whispered as she buried her face in Clarke’s neck, breathing in her familiar scent.

      “I know.  It was never my intention, I’m sorry,” Clarke mumbled.

      “No need for any more apologies Clarke,” Lexa said as she pulled back to look at the blonde.  “Have you found your mother and your people?”

      “My mother is resting in a room upstairs.  When Nia realized that I was on her side, she released her to me so I could tend to her…wounds.”  Clarke’s tone darkened as she mentioned her mother’s injuries and Lexa knew Nia had been the cause.  “She’s going to be ok, she just needs rest and time.  The rest of Skaikru has been forced into labor camps around Polis.”

      “We’ll free them, Clarke.  We’ll free them all,” Lexa promised as she leaned in to place a kiss on Clarke’s lips. 

      They broke apart as they heard a commotion at the end of the hallway.  Clarke quickly opened the door to their cell and all three poured out into the corridor.  Clarke passed the key to Octavia and the younger girl moved to open Lincoln’s cell.  Lexa peered down the hallway, but the dim lighting made it impossible to see what the cause of the continued noise was.  Lexa was fairly certain that she could hear two people fighting.  She watched as Clarke turned to retrieve the gun from Tyler’s hand, turning and giving her dagger to Lexa before closing and securing the cell.

      “Until we can get our weapons from Kai,” she clarified when Lexa gave her a look.  “Nia gave me the gun.  She really went for that story…So did you.  Even I was convinced that you believed me.”

      “You are and excellent actor as well,” Lexa said as she smirked, turning her attention to the commotion in front of them which had intensified.

      They slowly made their way closer, treading carefully as Lincoln and Octavia joined them.  They all stopped when a body fell at their feet, the silver and blue colors marred by blood.

      Clarke looked up to see Kai standing in front of them, grin on his face.

      “What took you so long, Skai Prisa?” he joked as he cleaned the blood from his own knife on the clothes of the guard he’d just dispatched.

      “Oh please.  You could have told me you were successful in replacing the Red instead of me holding my breath in fear,” Clarke retorted.  

      “Where’s the fun in that?” he replied laughing.

      Clarke gave him a half smile as she shook her head.  “Thank-you.”

      “Yes, thank-you,” Lexa echoed as she moved to grasp his forearm.  

      “Anything for you, Heda,” he replied respectfully.

      “So…now that everyone knows what is going on and we’re all free, can we go do this or what?” Octavia piped up behind them.  

      Lexa looked at Clarke, seeing the same burning determination reflected in her eyes.  

      “Let’s end this once and for all,” Lexa nodded as she led the group from the prison and into the tower, Clarke’s hand securely in hers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****AUTHOR'S NOTE****

 

Hey, ya'll. I know I've been off of here and my tumblr for quite a while and I wanted to explain why. As I said when I last posted, I would be extremely busy in my personal life for a few weeks. That has turned into a couple months- all without me realizing it. I haven't even had a moment to sit and think about the direction I want this to go, let alone even write out the final chapter(s) to this amazing story. To be honest, I haven't been in the mood to write lately either and I refuse to put up something that is forced and without inspiration. These characters mean so much to all of us and I want to do them justice as I work on finishing this story. I appreciate you all so much and can't thank you enough for the continued support in my absence. 

That being said, I can tell you all that I have finally had some time, and inspiration, to sit and write this weekend. While I know how this is going to end, I have struggled quite a bit on how exactly to articulate that ending. I think I know in the back of my mind that this is it and I don't want it to end. I have, however, finished quite a few pages and moved the story forward this weekend, but I've decided I won't be posting anything until the story is totally complete. The good news to that is that there will either be one huge final chapter or two final chapters-depending on how the story flows. I should have some time this week to work on this (hopefully!) so I'm looking forward to updating soon. 

Thank-you all for hanging in there for so long and I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on how this wraps up.

P.S.~ my sincerest apologies to anyone that got an "updated" note for this story only to find a lousy authors note. I know what you are all waiting for and I hope to deliver soon!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the update. As stated in the earlier authors note, I was thinking about breaking the final chapter into two separate chapters depending. Due to the slight OCD I have, I couldn't have a story with an uneven number of chapters so I decided to move the authors note and break the final chapter into two parts. I would say it's because I didn't want to post a 20,000+ word chapter, but in reality, it's because I can't resist a good cliffhanger. >;) You've been warned.
> 
> Again, as I said, I wouldn't post until I'd completed the story so that there would be less of a delay in the final chapter going up. So yes, this story is finished and I'll likely upload the absolute final chapter at some point later this week or early next week. So buckle up y'all, this is the end and as with everything in this story- nothing is easy for our heroes.
> 
> As always, enjoy! You all are amazing!

      As they made their way from the prison and up to the ground floor of the tower, they were met with little resistance.  It was apparent that Nia had not staffed the prison level very heavily under the assumption that her captives would stay just that: imprisoned.  Lexa was leading their small group in silence, Clarke at her side.  They’d stopped momentarily to gather the weapons that Kai and Clarke had stashed in secret the day prior before continuing on.  They had just made it to the ground level of the tower when Lexa motioned for all of them to stop.  She held up a hand, signaling the group to wait as she noiselessly made her way to the entry way of the floor and peered around the corner.  After a few moments, she rejoined their group, her face giving away nothing.

      “I count at least six guards,” Lexa informed them in a low voice.  “Luckily, we have the gift of surprise on our side.  Let’s do this quickly and quietly.”

      The group nodded their understanding as they all moved towards the entryway.  With no noise at all, they dispersed seamlessly into the hall, taking advantage of their unexpected presence.  Faster than a single one could call out, each guard was felled by their skillful swords.  They all looked around at each other, checking for new wounds.  Seeing that everyone was still in tact, they continued over to where the shaft for the archaic elevator stood.  

      “Guess it would have been too easy to hope for that we’d be able to catch a ride, huh?” Clarke mused as she peered up the dark and seemingly never-ending shaft.

      The hint of a smirk pulled at the corners of Lexa’s lips as she too glanced up.  “Since when have you ever done anything the easy way?”

      They both turned when they heard Octavia let out a snort behind them.  “What?  The Commander has a point,” she defended, shrugging.

      Clarke shook her head, a smile forming before she quickly rearranged her features.  “So how do we get to Nia?”

      “We climb,” Lexa replied as though it was the most obvious conclusion as she moved toward a ladder that Clarke hadn’t noticed.

      Lexa reached up for the first rung, covering a grimace at how the movement pulled at her ribs.  She knew the climb would be the true test of the day, her ribs screaming in protest as she pulled herself up the ladder with sheer force of will.  From below, Clarke watched as Lexa began moving up the ladder at a determined pace, not stopping to ensure the rest were following.  Clarke let out a heavy sigh as she too moved to follow.

      “When we finish this, we need to have a serious discussion about practicalities,” Clarke called up to Lexa, “because I refuse to live somewhere I may have to climb twenty stories just to sleep if the elevator fails.”

      She heard rather than saw Lexa falter as she climbed, the sound of her foot missing a rung echoing the small space they were in.  Clarke looked up to see Lexa had stopped moving and was instead staring down at her, an unreadable expression on her face.

      “You…you plan on living here?” she asked, the hope in her voice barely veiled.

      Clarke paused as well, looking up at Lexa in confusion.  “Well you’re going to be here, aren’t you?”

      “Yes, of course.  This is the Commander’s home,” Lexa replied, now also confused.

      “Well, my home is with you.  I’ll be where ever you are,” Clarke stated plainly before a darkness fell over her features.  “Unless you don’t want that.  I’m sorry, guess I should have really asked first.  I’m just so used to us being together all the time, it felt like the natural thing. I should-”

      “I want that,” Lexa cut Clarke off hastily before she could continue spiraling.  “There is nothing I want more.”

      Clarke was silent for a moment and Lexa wondered if she had said something wrong.  Before she could worry too much, however, she watched as a huge smile took over Clarke’s face and the blonde beamed up at her. 

      “Well, alright then,” Clarke whispered as she grinned.  

      “Alright then,” Lexa echoed as she too felt a smile crossing her face.

      They were both still hanging on the ladder as the smiled at each other, both forgetting for a moment that they were in a very dangerous and precarious position.

      “Hey!” 

      They both startled as Octavia yelled up at them.  They both looked down to see the younger girl staring up at them in annoyance.

      “Can you two talk about your future once we’ve actually secured it?  Evil ice bitch to defeat, remember?” Octavia huffed as she pulled herself up behind them.  

      Clarke smirked at the eager warrior and turned to continue up the ladder herself.  As she gave Lexa one last look in the dim lighting, she could swear she saw a blush spread across Lexa’s cheeks.  They carried on in silence for a long while, the only sounds in the space was that of their increasingly labored breathing.  When they were just over three-quarters of the way, a loud noise followed by a violent shaking nearly tossed all of them to their deaths.  As they clung to the ladder for their lives, Clarke looked up and down the ladder to make sure they hadn’t lost anyone.

      “What the hell was that?!” Clarke yelled as another explosion sounded and they were violently shaken once more.

      “Raven is here!” Octavia exclaimed, smiling widely.

      Rather than celebrate that reinforcements had arrived, Clarke instead watched as Lexa’s features morphed into a mask of worry for the first time since their prison break.

      “If that is indeed true, we need to hurry before Nia makes her escape,” she yelled down to Clarke, not wasting any time in turning to move up the ladder once more at an even faster pace.  

 

**XXX**

 

      Raven picked her head up from where she was lying prone on the ground next to Luna.  She squinted as debris and dirt rained down on them- results of one of the home made grenades she’d managed to manufacture.  Silence hung heavy in the air, the world muted around them as their ears recovered from the shock of the blast.  That was always Ravens favorite part- the silence.  It was as though the entire world stopped for a few moments to take in the destruction that had been wrought.  Blinking a few more times, she glanced over to see Luna looking around as well, awe and shock apparent on her face.  As the smoke slowly cleared, Raven could see that her homemade device had succeeded in blowing hole in the wall that contained Polis- one that appeared large enough to fit through. 

       Raven let out a whoop, a little disorientated when she couldn’t quite hear it.  Regardless, she managed to push herself to all fours and reached over to Luna, placing her hand on her shoulder to draw her attention.

      “Are you ok?” Raven asked soundlessly.

      Somehow, Luna understood what she was trying to ask and nodded her head in confirmation.  Raven looked looked around once more, unable to contain the chuckle at her success.  The noise of the world around them slowly seeped back in as Raven continued to chuckle and Luna pushed herself to her knees as she continued to take in their surroundings. 

      “It worked,” Luna breathed, still shocked.  It was evident that she had never seen a weapon so powerful or destructive.

      “You doubted me?” Raven asked, smirking.

      “Never,” Luna assured, leaning over to brush debris from Raven’s dark locks.  “I simply underestimated the sheer power of what you had described.  Seeing it in real life…it’s astounding.”

      Raven’s grin turned smug as she continued to watch Luna take in the scene around them once more. 

      “That it is,” Raven murmured quietly.

      Luna turned to give her a strange look but before she could speak, they could hear yelling coming from the vicinity of the newly formed hole.

      “We should move while we still have a slight advantage,” Luna told her as she pushed to her feet.  She turned and offered a hand to Raven, helping the mechanic to her feet.

      Luna signaled to the army behind them as they heard another explosion and saw smoke rising to their west.

      “Looks like Indra figured hers out as well,” Raven remarked as they were joined by Luna’s warriors.

      “Then it’s time to move.  Let’s finish this,” Luna growled as she unsheathed her sword and started moving towards the hole Raven had just fashioned for them.  

      Raven moved back to allow the first line of warriors to proceed while she covered them from behind with her rifle.  If she was being honest, she enjoyed the view from a few feet back anyways.  She pulled her eyes up a moment too late and knew she was caught when Luna’s features pulled into a knowing smile.  The leader shook her head and chuckled.

      “Focus, Ray!” she called over her shoulder as she stepped over the rubble from the wall.

      Luna and her army hadn’t made it five steps into Polis when they were met by a sea of blue and silver.  The sounds of swords clashing, people yelling, and the distinct metallic scent that could only be blood soon consumed them.  Raven was careful to move up when required, always keeping one eye on Luna as the leader fought viciously but skillfully.  

      Both sides seemed fairly equally matched in regards to skill level when it came to battle, but the Azgedan warriors lacked the one thing: technology.  While they fought well, they could not sustain themselves against the onslaught of gunfire coming from Raven and the several other Skaikru members that had joined them on this side of the wall.  Soon, the initial wave of Azgedan warriors had fallen and Luna and her warriors were one step closer to the tower and Nia.  As things settled once more, it quickly became evident that they had not escaped as unscathed as they had hoped.  While the Azgedan side took the brunt of fallen soldiers, the Boat Clan were not without their loses.  Even Luna was sporting a few fresh cuts across her arms.Luna spared a moment to designate a few of her warriors to collect their fallen and prepare their bodies to be sent on their journey into the next world.  Luna allowed a moment of silence to mourn them, her sorrow evident in her features as Raven sidled up to her and slipped her hand into Luna’s.  Luna stiffened for a brief moment, as if it was all too much, before she intertwined their fingers and squeezed Raven’s hand.

      “I’m sorry for your losses,” Raven whispered after a moment.

      “They died for a great cause.  We will properly mourn and honor them when this is over,” Luna promised as she drew strength from Raven’s presence beside her.

      They took one more moment and then Luna signaled all her people to keep moving on.  She left her hand in Raven’s, neither one willing to let the other go quite yet.  As they moved more fully into Polis, the tower quickly came into view before them.  In the distance, they could hear the distinct sounds of battle and knew that Indra and her people were holding their own.  Raven spared a thought for Clarke and Octavia, hoping that they had also been successful in their scheme.  Victory almost wasn’t worth it if her friends didn’t survive to celebrate with them.  She exchanged the magazine in her gun for one that was fully loaded, knowing they would still have many battles between them and the tower.  As she charged the rifle and chambered a round, she saw more figures cloaked in blue and silver running toward them.

      “Get ready for round two!” she called to Luna as she pulled a grenade from her bag and pulled the pin on it.

      Luna simply grinned and dove to the ground as she watched Raven toss the explosive toward the approaching Azgeda.  

 

**XXX**

 

      Despite the frequent explosions and violent jolts that followed them, the distance between Lexa and the rest of the group grew steadily more pronounced.  Lexa was clearly worried that their well crafted plans would all be for naught in mere moments, a fear that Clarke shared.  Clarke looked down and focused on what she was doing as she tried to keep up with Lexa.  She knew Lexa could handle herself in a fight, but the one they were about to be engaged in was going to be anything but fair.  She didn’t want Lexa facing that alone, not for any amount of time.  The next time she looked up, it was to see Lexa’s feet disappearing over the edge of what she assumed was the throne level.  Clarke was still a couple levels away and hastened her pace to catch up.

      As she finally made it to where she had seen Lexa disappear, she heard the obvious sounds of a struggle.  She had just pulled herself level when she saw a body hurtling towards her.  She had just enough time to duck out of the way before it was falling over the edge and plummeting into the dark.  A few seconds passed before she heard the telltale “thump” echo back up.  Risking a peek, she pulled herself back up to see Lexa bent at the waist, an arm thrown across her midsection, her face barely masking the pain she was in.  Clarke’s heart began pounding in her chest at the thought that Lexa had somehow been seriously wounded in the fight.  Clarke scrambled up the rest of the ladder and rushed over to Lexa.

      “Are you ok?” Clarke cried, worry clear in her tone as she placed a steadying hand on Lexa’s back.

      “I’m fine,” Lexa ground out as she struggled to right herself.

      Clarke didn’t miss the wince that Lexa failed to hide as her arm moved to protectively cover her ribs.

      “Lexa…” Clarke began uncertainly as she moved to try and examine the brunette.  Before she could touch her, Lexa’s hand caught hers, stilling their forward movement.  

      “Clarke, please,” Lexa implored quietly, silently begging Clarke with her eyes to let it go.

      Clarke frowned at her, but reluctantly nodded her acceptance as she chose to trust Lexa’s judgement.  Clarke pressed a kiss to her cheek before running her thumb over the spot.  She noted that Lexa’s skin felt warm to the touch, more so than normal- even after a fight and their arduous climb.  She realized in the same moment that the flush on Lexa’s cheeks may not have been from the strenuous physical activity they were engaged in either.  Sensing Clarke’s worry, Lexa placed her hand over the one resting against her cheek.

      “I was falling ill prior to arriving here.  I am certain it is just a slight fever, not something to worry over.  I promise you that I am fine,” Lexa assured her, turning her face to press a soft kiss to Clarke’s palm.

      Clarke studied her shrewdly for a long moment, clearly not sure whether to believe Lexa or not.  Her other hand moved to brush a few stray strands away from Lexa’s face as she stared at the woman she loved.  

      “The others are close behind,” Clarke finally stated after a prolonged moment of silence.

      Clarke could see the gratitude and relief in Lexa’s eyes at the words, the brunette nodding resolutely before moving to pick up her sword.  Clarke knew that while she cared for Lexa, it was not her place to mother her- not in this moment when she was so close to achieving everything she had been fighting for the past few years.  She had to trust Lexa’s own judgement of her limits and support her.  Clarke noted that Lexa’s movements were slightly slower, clearly hindered by whatever injuries she had sustained to her ribs, but she carried on just the same.  As she watched Lexa straighten up, she heard Octavia reach the floor and turned to see the young girl clamber out of the elevator shaft.  

      “That…was…a…hell…of…a…climb,” Octavia managed to gasp out before she turned to help Lincoln and Kai up.

      As Octavia and Clarke assisted them in getting out of the elevator shaft, Lexa moved to the double doors across from the elevator and noiselessly cracked one open.  She took a moment to peer down the hall, noting the heavy presence of Azgedan guards.  Judging by how many were still present, she felt fairly confident that Nia had not yet taken her leave.  She silently pushed the door closed once more and turned to face the group, expression determined.  There were not many of them and though they were skilled, she knew that they were about to enter a battle that not all of them may make it out of.  Nothing in war was guaranteed- of that she was sure.  She knew they would all do their best and only hoped that any sacrifices made would be justified with Nia’s death.

      “The floor is still heavily guarded which means Nia is still likely to be here,” Lexa relayed quietly.  “We move on my signal.”

      They moved to gather around the doors, waiting anxiously for Lexa to give them the go ahead to begin what would hopefully be the last challenge between them and Nia.  Lexa cracked the door open once more and watched the guards in silence.  After a few moments, she turned and nodded at the group before she turned and pushed the doors open, momentarily startling the guards in the hallway.  Their shock was short lived, however, and soon the sounds of swords crashing against each other, fists connecting with flesh, and determined grunts were all that could be heard.  Each time one of them would defeat a guard, two more seemed to materialize in their place.  Clarke could feel the exhaustion from their earlier climb pulling at all of her limbs, her body begging to quit as she faced her third guard.  Somehow, she managed to push through and fell the woman only to turn and be met with a fourth opponent.

      She was completely focused on the battle in front of her when she heard Kai’s familiar voice cry out in pain.  Momentarily distracted, she pulled her eyes from her opponent as she sought out Kai to ensure he was alright.  That moment was all her opponent needed and Clarke was rewarded for her loss of focus with a swift and painful slash across her upper arm.  She stumbled back as her right hand came up to cover the new wound.  She barely had time to get her feet back under her before her opponent, sensing weakness, was attacking her once more.  As the male guards last swing went wide, Clarke lowered her shoulder and drove it into his gut, forcing the wind from his lungs and pushing him back.  Startled for just long enough, Clarke continued with her forward momentum and buried her sword in his gut before he could regain himself.  She watched as the life drained from his eyes and he slumped to the floor.  

      Breathing heavily, she looked up to find Kai, Lincoln, and Octavia all facing multiple opponents, Kai gripping his side where Clarke could see dark blood seeping through his fingers.  Clarke moved to help them but before she’d taken a step, she realized Lexa was no where to be found.  As her eyes swept the hall, she noticed the doors to the throne room were now wide open.  Her gaze traveled between her friends and the throne room, torn over what to do.  Lexa was alone, but the rest were clearly outnumbered and in need of help.  Making up her mind quickly, Clarke produced the knife Lexa had given her.  Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she wound her arm back and released, the knife finding a home in the back of one of the bigger guards that nearly had Lincoln pinned.  Lincoln looked up at her gratefully before being drawn back into the fight.

      Clarke ran over and retrieved her knife from the fallen Azgeda’s back and quickly replicated her actions with one of Kai’s opponents, enabling the man to finish off a second and third one in quick succession.  He was breathing hard and wincing, but he was still fighting.  His eyes did a quick scan of the hall, noting the same thing Clarke’s had only moments ago: his Commander was gone.  He pulled one of the guards off of Octavia as his eyes found Clarke retrieving her knife once more.

      “Clarke, go!” she heard Kai yell as he finished off his current opponent.  “We can handle them.  Help Heda!”

      Clarke nodded and wasted no time in moving towards the now open throne room, hoping against hope that Lexa had not rushed into a trap.

 

**XXX**

 

      Raven’s limp was noticeably more pronounced as she hobbled over to smash the stock of her rifle into the face of an Azgedan warrior who had pinned down one of the Boat People.  She had run out of ammunition far sooner than she had been hoping, but she had been making due wielding her rifle as a decent blunt object.  Her leg, however, had been cooperating less and less as fatigue and strain settled into the limb.  The brace was only offering her so much support.  She offered her hand to the girl no more than seventeen that she had just saved and pulled her up, shooting her a quick smile before continuing on.  She’d lost sight of Luna a few minutes ago and while she knew she didn’t have anything to worry about, she knew she would be able to focus better once she’d found her again.  

      They were at the base of the tower, fighting what she assumed would be Nia’s last line of defense.  The battles had been devastating for both sides with each of them suffering quite a few losses.  Bodies laid across the ground and the stench of death permeated the air and blood ran down the streets soaking the ground red.  They’d met up with Indra’s division of warriors a little ways back and surged ahead with barely an issue after until they had reached the foot of the tower.  It seemed that the entire Ice Nation had come out to fight for their Queen- and they were formidable warriors as Raven had soon found out.  In addition to having busted part of her brace, she was fairly certain she would be sporting a shiner, quite a few new bruises, and at least one broken finger when this was all over and a few broken fingers.  All in all, she knew she was lucky compared to most.  She was slowly winding closer to the tower with each step, helping people where she could, all the while searching for Luna or any sign of her friends in the tower.

      Raven had almost made it to the entryway to the tower when she heard movement behind her.  She tried to turn to face the threat, but she knew she was a few steps too late.  She cried out in pain as the blade slashed across her back, burning as it did so.  She fell forward onto her hands and knees as her rifle clattered uselessly onto the ground beside her.  She knew the wound wasn’t deep, but it was enough to stun her for a moment.  A solid boot came down on her backside, pushing her to the ground completely and giving her enough momentum to roll over and face her attacker.  Her eyes caught on the blue and silver cloak first before they locked on the sword raised above the man’s head.  Raven had just enough time to squeeze her eyes shut and raise her hands in a feeble attempt to defend herself when she heard the sickening sound of the blade sinking into flesh.  She steeled herself against the pain, surprised when it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would.  Maybe he had killed her instantly?

      She cautiously popped one eye open to find that she was still lying on the ground, hands raised, and very much alive judging from the stinging in her back.  Glancing around, she saw that the man who had been poised to kill her was now lying face down on the ground before her, knife sticking out of his back.  Her other eye popped open at the sight and she struggled to make sense of how he had ended up dead and she was still alive.  She painfully pushed herself up onto her elbows to see Indra smirking at her knowingly.  As her brain struggle to catch up to what her eyes were seeing, she found herself grinning back.

      “I knew you liked me!” Raven yelled gratefully.  

      Indra rolled her eyes before disappearing into the fray once more.  Groaning, Raven pushed herself up into a sitting position and reached over to pull the knife from the back of her would be attacker.  She went to wipe it clean on his robes before she paused as a thought struck her.  She knew she wasn’t fast because of her bum leg, but she didn’t need to be fast to do what she was planning.  Scooting over, she began awkwardly struggling to pull the cloak from his body.  Once she’d been successful, she pushed herself to her feet, wincing as the wound on her back stung in protest.  She managed to shrug into his cloak, which hung off her shoulders loosely due to his larger size.

      “Excuse me, but I don’t think you’ll be needing this anymore,” she commented as she fastened the neck piece in place.  “Also, you tried to kill me so…fair is fair.”

      Picking up Indra’s knife once more, she moved back out into the fight to help as much as she could.  The cloak allowed her to move between the Azgeda unsuspectingly and lethally.  She brought down half a dozen warriors before they realized what was going on.  She’d had to dodge a few friendly swings while she was at it, but she couldn’t be mad at her people for technically striking at the enemy.  She had just finished off her next target when someone grabbed her shoulder and spun her around.  She came face to face with Luna, relief washing over her body as she took in the woman before her.  Luna was bleeding from a few fresh wounds, including one over her eye, but otherwise seemed no worse for wear.

      “Thank God you’re alright!” Raven exclaimed as she wrapped Luna up in her arms and drew her close.

      Luna turned her face into Raven’s neck, breathing in her familiar scent and taking solace in it.  “You as well.  I’d feared I’d lost you.”

      Raven stiffened as Luna’s arms came around her and brushed against the wound on her back.  Sensing her discomfort, Luna immediately pushed back a few inches to look at Raven.  

      “Are you injured?” she queried, concern creasing her features as she tried to spin Raven and get a look at the wound.

      “Nothing major, just no bear hugs for a little while, ok?” Raven joked.  Seeing Luna frown in response, she brought a hand up to rest on Luna’s arm.  “I’m really ok.  Indra had my back…literally.”

      “I knew she liked you,” Luna proclaimed as her eyes continued to search Raven’s for any hint that the mechanic was making light of her injuries. 

      Raven chuckled at the words, not surprised in the least that Luna had felt the same way about the stoic warrior.  “I said the same thing.”

      Luna knew Raven had a high pain tolerance and generally hid that pain from others so she continued to search the brunette’s eyes, looking for any hint of that hidden pain.  Seeing nothing, she leaned in and pressed a quick but meaningful kiss to Raven’s lips before slipping her hand into Raven’s and pulling her gently towards the tower.

      “How did you know it was me?” Raven asked, perplexed as she realized that Luna had found her amidst the chaos around them.  All her own people had tried to take a swing at her based on the cloak she’d donned.

      “Oh please.  I’d recognize the way you move in any kind of clothing,” Luna admitted proudly.  “I know how ai hodnes moves.”

      “Ai hodnes?” Raven pondered out loud, puzzled.  “What does that mean?”

      “If we make it out of here, I’ll tell you,” Luna replied coyly as she threw a wink over her shoulder.  “For now, let’s go help our friends.”

      “I won’t forget!” Raven promised as she slashed at an unsuspecting Ice Nation warrior as they passed, effectively disabling him so that the Boat warrior fighting him could take the upper hand.

      She heard Luna chuckle ahead of her.  “No, I suspect you won’t.”

      As they swept into the tower, they were both poised at the ready for a fight as they expected to be rushed by the guards manning the tower.  Surprisingly, no attack came and instead, they found a multitude of bodies lying on the floor around them.  

      “Guess the plan worked,” Raven mused.

      “It would appear so,” Luna responded, relief evident in her voice.  

      They both jumped when they heard a thump emanate from what looked like a dark hole in one of the walls.  Walking over cautiously, Raven raised the flashlight she’d managed to snag before leaving Arkadia as Luna raised her sword in preparation for an attack.  Raven barely stifled her gasp as the sight of a broken and bloodied body that was clearly Azgeda greeted them.  She took a moment to collect her wits before turning the flashlight upwards into what appeared to be a never-ending elevator shaft.  Studying it, Raven could see a ladder running up one of the sides of a shaft.  She couldn’t see the actual elevator anywhere and assumed that it was out of play and not a transportation option.  Luna stepped up beside her, also examining the ladder on the opposing wall.  As they stood there looking up, both could hear the sounds of what seemed to be a distant battle.  Raven looked at Luna who was looking at her with resignation.  

      “You’re going to climb up there, aren’t you?” Raven realized, deflating a bit at the thought of being unable to join her.

      Luna sheathed her sword and pulled Raven toward her, only a few inches left separating them.  Luna cupped Raven’s cheek as Raven moved to rest her hands on the redheads hips, curling her fingers in the hem of Luna’s shirt.  Luna pressed her lips to Raven’s softly, a small smile forming on hers when she heard Raven sigh in contentment and lean into her.  After a moment, she pulled back and rested her forehead against Ravens.

      “They may need help, Raven,” Luna whispered.  “I can not stand here and listen to the fight when I could be up there helping.”

      Rather than answer immediately, Raven pressed her lips to Luna’s once more.  “I know.  Just be careful, ok?”

      “I promise,” Luna replied as she pressed a final, longing kiss to Raven’s lips.

      She moved over to the ladder and began to pull herself up.  She’d only made it a couple rungs when she heard Raven call out.  She paused and looked over her shoulder to see Raven staring up at her.

      “Come back to me,” Raven called, her voice cracking with emotion.

      Luna smiled warmly, “Always.”

 

**XXX**

 

      When Clarke passed through the open doors and into the throne room, she barely made it three steps when she drew up short at the scene that greeted her.  Lexa was frozen in the middle of the room, sword raised before her, a look of pure hatred on her features.  As Clarke’s gaze traveled over the room, her eyes were immediately drawn to the very person they’d come so far for, Nia, sitting in the throne that Clarke assumed belonged to Lexa at one point.  Nia had a smirk on her face and an unconcerned air about her as she stared down at Lexa.  There was a guard on either side of the Queen, swords also raised and just waiting for the word from their leader.

      “Ah, Clarke,” Clarke hid a shudder as the woman’s cold voice fell in to the space between them.  “I wish I could say that I am surprised you’re here, yet your betrayal is not unexpected, _natrona_.” 

      “The cold doesn’t really become me,” Clarke bit out, slowly shifting closer to Lexa.

      “Clarke, go,” Lexa whispered urgently.

      She glanced over at Lexa questioningly as she moved, not understanding what Lexa meant.  She gave Lexa a subtle shake of her head, one she knew that Lexa would sense.  She was not going anywhere, not until this was over.  She saw Lexa’s jaw clench in annoyance before the brunette focused her attention back on Nia, who had not missed a beat.

      “The cold is only for the strongest of warriors,” Nia stated haughtily as she stared down at Clarke.

      “Something you would know nothing about,” Lexa muttered, drawing Nia’s ire.

      Clarke knew Lexa was trying to bait Nia, she just wasn’t sure why when they could more than handle the two guards to get to Nia.  She continued her scan of the room as Nia began speaking once more.  Rather than acknowledge Lexa’s words, Nia dismissed them.

      “I was just telling Lexa here about her first loves final moments.”  Nia’s voice dripped with self-satisfied pride as she shifted slightly and leaned forward.  “How Costia begged and begged for her to save her- even until the end.”

      “You don’t have the right to speak her name,” Lexa growled angrily. 

      Nia laughed cruelly.  “I have every right, _dear_ ,” she sneered.  “You know, I will never forget the surprised look on her face as I brought my blade across her throat that final time.  She really thought you were going to save her.  Too bad she just wasn’t worth it.”

      “Enough!” Lexa roared as she took a step forward.

      Nia shifted again, this time raising her hand as Lexa moved toward her, and Clarke’s blood ran cold.  In Nia’s hand was the unmistakable shape of a handgun.  Lexa stopped once more, the anger clear on her face at their circumstances.

      “You coward,” Lexa accused.  “You’ve chosen a weapon that requires no skill to wield and  allows you to kill indiscriminately.  If _you_ were worth anything, you’d face me like a real warrior.”

      “Oh my dear, you know nothing of being a true warrior, of fighting for your power.  Your throne was given to you.  I have _earned_ this seat, unlike you,” Nia snarled.

      “You mean innocent and ignorant people earned it for you,” Clarke clarified sarcastically.

      Once again, Nia’s gaze focused back on Clarke, the gun moving with it.  She felt Lexa stiffen beside her as Nia’s sights fell on the blonde.  Lexa subtly shifted closer to Clarke, unwilling to allow another woman she loved to die for her.

      “You don’t know what you’re speaking of and you’d do best to hold your tongue,” Nia spat as she stood.

      She towered over them, the gun still trained on Clarke as she peered down on them.

      “I’ve never really been great at following orders, either,” Clarke replied as she boldly took a step closer to the woman.

      She froze when the gun moved from her back to Lexa.  “I wouldn’t move again if I were you.  Not if you want her to live long enough to watch you die,” Nia warned.

      “She was right, you are a coward,” Clarke told her.  “It’s awful easy to kill someone with one of those, trust me.  A true warrior, which is what you claim to be, would know that.”

      Nia’s eyes flashed with anger as she stepped down from the throne, moving toward them but staying far outside the reach of their swords.  Clarke knew Lexa was itching to get her hands on the woman but the gun had been an unexpected turn of events.  She had assumed that they had taken care of that issue when they had jailed Cage and his crony.  Nia was still speaking to them as she paced back and forth, but Clarke was no longer focused on the words.  She was more focused on trying to figure a way around the problem that the gun now presented.  She knew it was hopeless until they could get rid of the firearm.

      She watched from the corner of her eye as Lexa became more and more tense with each new word spewed by Nia, but she could see Lexa’s eyes doing the same- scanning the room and waiting for an opportunity to strike.  She lost track of time momentarily as she clocked the guards now standing behind Nia when all of a sudden, she sensed movement behind her.  She had just enough time to shift to the side when an arm struck out between her and Lexa, a knife leaving the hand attached to it.  Clarke’s eyes widened as she watched the knife bury it in Nia’s shoulder, but not before Nia managed to get a shot off.  The blast from the gun echoed around the throne room as everyone stood frozen for a moment, stunned.  

      Suddenly, everything seemed to happen at once.  Nia fell back onto steps as she clutched at the knife in her shoulder, the gun still firmly in her grasp.  Luna, who had seemingly appeared from no where, collapsed at Clarke’s feet as she bled profusely from what appeared to be a graze wound to her head.  Lexa, taking advantage of Nia’s momentary distraction, began advancing toward her as the guards stood motionless with their mouths hanging open in shock.  At the last moment, they seemed to come back to their senses and advanced on Lexa in one last ditch effort to protect their Queen.  Clarke moved to assist her, quickly cutting down the first guard and taking over the second one so that Lexa could focus on Nia once more.  

      Realizing what was happening, Nia raised her gun once more and was able to fire off a few wild shots before Lexa was on her.

      “It would appear your aim needs some work,” Lexa growled as her foot came down on Nia’s gun hand, immobilizing it.  Nia still had a firm grip on it, but it was no longer pointed in a dangerous direction.  

      Lexa leaned forward over the woman she’d despised for years, her free hand moving to the knife in her shoulder.  Staring directly at her, Lexa pushed the knife in to its hilt as Nia squirmed beneath her.  She could tell the woman was biting her lip to avoid crying out in pain.

      “All your own choices have brought us here, Nia.  What you did to Costia, what you did to my family,” Lexa seethed.  “Tell me, Nia.  Was it worth it?”

      Lexa punctuated the last question with a twist of the knife that finally caused Nia to scream out in pain as the gun clattered to the floor.  Having successfully bested the second guard, Clarke rushed to pick up the gun so she could remove the threat it posed.  Disassembling it, she watched as a the woman she loved disappeared and was consumed by years of anger and hatred for the woman before her.  In that moment, Clarke only recognized the Reaper she’d met weeks ago.  This time, she feared she wouldn’t be enough to bring Lexa back from the edge.  

      “Take pride in knowing there is one thing you’ve successfully taught me,” Lexa seethed as she twisted the knife once more and elicited another groan from the woman beneath her.

      “What’s…that…?” Nia managed to gasp out as she tried to twist out from under Lexa.

      Lexa leaned in even closer, her face completely devoid of anything but hatred.  Lexa twisted the knife once more as she lowered her voice to just barely above a whisper.

      “A slow and painful death is the best death.”  Lexa punctuated that fact by completely withdrawing the knife from Nia’s shoulder and tossing it aside.  

      Nia collapsed back as Lexa straightened herself up to tower over the woman below her.  She looked down on the now ex-Ice Nation leader and tried to temper the overwhelming paradox of emotions that were fighting for dominance within her.  She had to fight the relief of finally having her revenge-for herself, her family, and Costia- and the anger that threatened to make her end Nia’s fight before due time.  Taking a moment to gather herself and watch as blood soaked into the white wolf’s fur cloak that Nia wore, Lexa took a deep breath before taking a half step back.

      “Fortunately for me, you do not deserve the best of anything and that includes your death,” Lexa ground out after a moment.

      “I always knew you were weak,” Nia spat.  “You can’t even kill me, can you?”

      “Oh, I can,” Lexa promised quietly.  “But after much thought, I have decided on a fate far worse than death for you.”

      Clarke stared at the scene before her, confused at what Lexa was implying.  Whatever Lexa had planned, she had not discussed it with her, let alone even mentioned anything other than killing Nia.

      Lexa leaned down once more, making sure that Nia’s attention was on her and only her.  “From this moment forward, you are stripped of any perceived power you thought you had.  You are stripped of your title, your land, and your people.”

      Lexa watched as Nia’s eyes widened at her words.  “You wouldn’t,” Nia breathed, wincing as she tried to sit up.

      “Actually, as your Commander, I would,” Lexa argued.  “Furthermore, you are exiled and banned from my lands forevermore.”

      Nia was shaking her head back and forth violently, a look of disbelief on her features.

      “If you _ever_ step foot on my lands again, I will kill you myself,” Lexa assured her.

      Nia was staring open-mouthed and wordlessly at Lexa as the brunette straightened up and backed away from her once more.  Kai, Octavia, and Lincoln finally spilled into the room, Octavia immediately moving to tend to Luna who was still unconscious.  Lexa glanced behind her briefly as Lincoln and Kai moved toward her and Clarke.

      “Sis em op,” she ordered as she moved back to allow Lincoln and Kai to gather up the fallen queen.  “Ensure she is secured until morning and then deliver her across our borders into the Shadow Lands.”

      “You will regret allowing me to live, Lexa,” Nia informed her as Lincoln and Kai dragged her to her feet.  “Your weakness will be your death, just as it will be hers,” she stated as she pointed at Clarke.

      “You will regret ever crossing me,” Lexa promised, “and if you continue to threaten me and those I love, you will be left crippled in the Shadow Lands.  Good luck fending for yourself in the wilds with only one arm or leg.”

      “Well then, before I go I have one more lesson for you, _Commander_ ,” Nia taunted as she reached inside her cloak.  “Where there is one gun, there’s two.”

      Lexa realized a moment too late what was happening as Nia produced a second, smaller but equally deadly, handgun.  She watched as Nia trained her sights on Clarke and felt her stomach drop at the thought of losing yet another person she loved at the hands of this woman.  Her body began moving of its own accord before her mind was able to catch up and process what was happening.  She saw the flash of the muzzle as the gun was fired, but the only sound she could hear was the sound of the blood rushing in her ears.  She was on Nia before the woman could get another round off, her skillful hands knocking the gun away immediately and her sword finding a home in the older woman’s chest.

      Clarke, who had squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation of the impending pain, opened her eyes to see the tail end of a flurry of movement before her.  She took a moment to gather herself and realized that Nia had missed once more and she seemed to be in one piece.  She watched as Nia sputtered for air and her eyes bulged in surprise as her hands grabbed uselessly at the sword that had suddenly and expertly found a home in her chest.  Blood quickly began to spread across her once pristine white cloak as she continued to gasp for air and fell to her knees.  Lexa drove the sword in deeper, eliciting a small whine from the former queen, as she watched the life slowly drain from the woman before her. 

      “This is for my family,” Lexa uttered angrily as she drove the sword up.  “And this,” she said punctuating it with another jerk of the blade, “Is for my first love.”

      Nia’s hands fell uselessly to her sides as Lexa leaned into the blade, bringing her face inches from Nia’s.  The movement caused her bruised and broken ribs to scream in protest, but she had nothing on her mind but ending the woman in front of her.  Nia’s mouth moved as she tried to say something, but no sound came out.  Blood began to dribble from her mouth as she fell further back onto her haunches under Lexa’s weight, drawing the brunette even closer to her until there was nearly no space between them

      “And this, this is for thinking you could ever take my throne or the woman I love.”  Lexa spoke lowly as she punctuated each word with an angry nudge of the sword.

      A final maniacal grin spread across Nia’s features for a moment before her eyes rolled back into her head and she fell backward, her last breath rattling out of her body and echoing around the now silent room.  Despite the woman in front of her being clearly dead, Lexa  could not seem to let go, her hands wrapped tightly around the grip of her sword as though waiting for the woman to pop back up.  It wasn’t until Clarke’s hands had covered her own that she realized she was shaking.  

      It took a moment, but she realized Clarke was speaking to her as her thumb rubbed soothing circles into the back of her hand.  She couldn’t quite make the words out in the haze of rage that remained in the wake of her fight with Nia, but she somehow managed to relax enough to release her sword as she allowed Clarke to gently face her away from Nia’s body.  Clarke cupped her face and swiped her thumbs gently over her cheekbones.  She could see Clarke’s mouth moving but struggled to make out the words.  She focused as intently as possible, willing the haze to clear out.  After a moment, Clarke’s quiet words finally filtered through.

      “Leksa, ai hodnes, komba hir ai op,” Clarke murmured.  “Beja.  It’s over now, come back to me.”

      Lexa furrowed her brow for a moment in confusion before she tilted her head into Clarke’s hand, finding comfort in the warmth it offered.  She closed her eyes at the sensation and took a few steadying breaths as Clarke’s other hand moved to tangle in the soft hairs at the back of her neck.  She waited until the trembling had nearly stopped before opening her eyes and meeting the blue ones staring back at her with concern evident in them. 

      “It’s over,” Clarke repeated quietly.  “It’s over.”

      Lexa nodded her head slowly as the realization washed over her.  It _was_ over.  Nia was dead, Cage was captured, and the throne was hers once again.  Her eyes widened as the last vestiges of rage that had been pent up for years were released in a single breath.

      “We did it,” she whispered still not quite convinced after so many years of struggle that it was true.

      Clarke nodded as a smile spread across her features.  “That we did.”

      Clarke moved to hug Lexa, her arms coming around the other woman in an embrace.  Remembering Lexa’s tender ribs, she kept the hug brief and loose.  As she pulled back, she could see the grimace that Lexa was working to keep off her features.  Clarke also noticed that Lexa’s hand had moved back to its protective stance over the injured portion of her torso.  Before she could comment on it, however, Lexa was gesturing to where Luna was still lying motionless on the ground.  

      “You should check on her,” Lexa told her quietly.  “I will have Kai collect your mother.”

      Clarke nodded in agreement as she moved to help Octavia with the fallen Boat Leader until Abby could be brought up to attend to her.  From what Lexa could tell, it did not appear good for her oldest friend.  She had to fight her worry when Octavia’s hand came away bloody as she adjusted Luna’s head in her lap.  The only thing keeping her calm was that Luna was still breathing.  All three women looked at each other, the severity of the situation settling over them.  Even though their battle with Nia was over, it seemed that she could still make them suffer from the grave.  

      “Someone should go get Raven,” Octavia said suddenly.

      No one seemed surprised that despite the little time Octavia had spent around them since arriving in Luna’s village, she had managed to pick up on the relationship between the two women.

      “I will go,” Lincoln volunteered as he moved to move back the way they’d come.  “What should I tell her?”

      The three women looked at each other again, a silent conversation taking place between them.  Finally a consensus seemed to be reached and Lexa looked to Lincoln.

      “Tell her the truth.  That Luna fought bravely and was badly injured in the fight but that she lives,” Lexa ordered.

      “Sha, Heda,” Lincoln acknowledged as he bowed his head and took his leave.

      “What is keeping Abby?” Octavia questioned, the strain of fear just barely detectable in her voice.

      “I’m here!” Came the reply as the woman in question limped in, Kai close on her heels.  

      Lexa took a moment to look her up and down, noting that Nia had roughed her up quite a bit, but she did not appear to have any permanent injuries.  The doctor was limping, but she still had that determined fire burning in her eyes; the same fire that Lexa had often seen in Clarke’s eyes.  Abby quickly knelt down by the redhead and assessed her.  

      “It looks like a nasty blow to her head.  I need to get her wound cleaned up to see the extent of the injuries and will have to watch for her brain to swell,” Abby mumbled more to herself than anyone else.  

      “Will she live?” Lexa dared to ask.

      All sets of eyes turned to Abby as she turned to face Lexa.

      “I can’t answer that yet.  The next day will be critical,” Abby replied regretfully.  Clearly she had wanted to be able to tell the group something a little more reassuring.  “We need to get her back to Arkadia where I can better help her.  Is that feasible?”

      “Yes,” Lexa told her.  “Judging from the fact that you arrived here a bit faster than expected, I assume someone managed to operate the elevator?”

      Abby nodded in confirmation and Lexa let out a small breath that at least that was fixed.  It would have been nearly impossible to move anyone in the tower without the elevator.  The building was old and had barely survived the near apocalypse that had taken the Earth nearly a century ago.  The staircases that still remained were impassable and dangerous and there was no way they’d be able to carry people through the elevator shaft.

      “I will go retrieve some extra hands,” Octavia offered as she gently transferred positions with Abby so that the doctor was supporting Luna’s head. 

      “Mochof, Oktavia,” Lexa sighed as she fought off a sudden wave of dizziness.  

      Shaking her head in an attempt to clear the stars from her vision, Lexa stumbled slightly as she moved to seek support from the wall next to where Luna was laid out.  The stars refused to disappear and instead grew in intensity as she clenched her eyes shut in an attempt to right herself.  She took breaths as deep as her ribs would allow, but was not seeing much of a difference.  She blinked a few times to try an clear her vision and was able to just make out the dark blood now seeping between her fingers on the hand she had placed protectively over her ribs.  Her hand was trembling as she stared at it in disbelief.  Feeling as though she may pass out, she turned and slowly leaned against the wall, Clarke looking up at her briefly in confusion at the movement.

      “Lexa, what-,”  Lexa saw the exact moment Clarke’s eyes saw the blood on her hand and understanding lit her features.

      Understanding quickly turned to fear as Clarke paled and her wide eyes connected with Lexa’s, the brunette still not understanding how she was bleeding or why her legs seemed to be going numb.  She could tell she was sweating now, the trembling growing worse as warm blood continued to flow through her fingers.  Her body simultaneously felt heavy as she lost all feeling in her limbs and light as air as her vision swam.  Time seemed to stop as Lexa’s legs gave out and she slid down the wall, wincing as the movement jostled her ribs and the apparent wound to the same side.  

      “Lexa!” Clarke cried and faster than lightening, she was at the brunettes side.

      “Klark…,” Lexa managed to choke out, though her mouth felt like cotton it was so dry.

      “What happened?!” Clarke exclaimed as she gently pulled Lexa’s hand away.

      “I don’t…I don’t know,” Lexa struggled to get out, mind still grappling with what was going on.

      Her vision was beginning to dim at the edges and she was struggling to form words.  She felt Clarke pulling up her shirt to expose her abdomen and deflated at the sound of Clarke’s gasp.  Before she could react or assure Clarke that she would be fine, she was wincing and taking in a sharp breath at the pain of Clarke’s hand pressing into her.  Her vision dimmed further as her breathing became labored.  Pain radiated from her entire left side and she bit down on her cheek to prevent calling out in pain.  Her hands balled into fists and she tried to use the lesser pain of her nails digging into her palms to center herself.  It was all to no avail as the pain continued to worsen.  

      She was vaguely aware of Clarke speaking frantically with Abby, looking between her and her mother.  She could barely make out Kai’s form as he moved to his fallen queen’s body and bent down on her right side.  He stiffened before reaching out for something and straightening up before turning to face them.  Lexa’s vision cleared just enough to make out the blood covered blade he now held in his hand, disbelief on his features as well.  Lexa went cold with the realization that the pain she had thought was caused by her broken ribs as she'd leaned over Nia's dying form had actually been the Queen's knife slipping between her ribs and delivering a final parting gift.  Suddenly, Lexa could see Clarke quickly speaking with both Kai and Abby but she couldn’t hear what they were saying over the sound of the blood rushing in her ears.  Instead, her eyes sought out Clarke as the blonde crouched next to her and continued to apply pressure to the knife wound.  She wanted to smile at Clarke, to assure her that everything would be alright, that she would be fine.  The message seemed to get lost between her brain and her body, however and all she could do was move her eyes to meet Clarke’s.

      She could see tears falling freely from them and tracking down Clarke’s cheeks.  She wanted nothing more than to brush them away, to reach out and pull Clarke close and comfort her.  Again, she was unsuccessful as her fingers barely flexed at the thought.  Seeing the movement, Clarke’s free hand found hers and she grabbed it, intertwining their fingers.  A ghost of a smile crossed Lexa’s features at the familiar feel of Clarke’s hand in hers.  The warmth of it gave her something to focus on as she felt herself growing progressively colder.  The fortunate thing was that the pain had dulled to an almost non-existent point now, though some part of her brain told her that was a bad sign.

      Using the last reserves of strength she had left, she lightly squeezed the blonde’s hand which brought Clarke’s tearful eyes up to hers.

      “Clarke…’sgonnabe alright,” Lexa slurred, her tongue no longer wishing to work either.

      She saw Clarke’s lips moving and she struggled to focus to hear what she was saying.  The blood that had been previously pounding in her ears was slowly petering out as her heartbeat simultaneously grew weaker with each beat.  After a moment, she could make out the blonde’s broken please.

      “Leksa kom Trikru, beja, ai hodnes,” Clarke’s voice shook with fear and emotion as she spoke.  “You are not allowed to leave me.”

      “Klark…ai gonplei ste odon,” Lexa breathed as she fought to stay conscious.

      “No!” Clarke yelled, suddenly angry.  “You do _not_ get to say that to me!  I am not going to sit here and watch you die!”

      Lexa just managed to flash a half smile at the woman above her.

      “My spirit will-,” Lexa began, but Clarke cut her off.

      “Don’t you dare say your spirit will chose the next Commander,” Clarke nearly spat as her fear threatened to take over.  “I don’t want the next Commander.  I have chosen you and only you.  You’ve fought for everyone else your entire life.  I need you to fight for yourself now.”

      Lexa was helpless to reply, the insistence and emotion behind Clarke’s words striking her with far more force than any weapon or man.

      “You are not allowed to leave me, do you hear me?” Clarke reiterated.

      Lexa tried to respond, tried to make her tongue and brain work in tandem to reassure the woman she loved, but all she could do was watch as the darkness crept further in.  She felt her heartbeat slowing even further, the beats harder and harder to distinguish.  She knew based on the color of the blood she’d seen, her injury was severe and likely unsurvivable, but she was doing her damnedest to fight for not only herself and the future she’d fought so hard for, but for the woman she loved.  She felt Clarke’s grip on her hand tighten as her own fingers loosened and the darkness closed in on her fully.  The only thing she remained aware of as she slipped into unconsciousness was the gentle sound of Clarke’s voice as she quietly sang to her.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well ya'll. This is it. To everyone who has stuck by during this tumultuous journey- thank-you. I don't want this story to end, but it has reached its natural end point in my mind. I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Your kind support, even when I didn't make it easy ;), is so appreciated. I hope that this chapter meets expectations and I look forward to hearing what you think. Comment below or drop me a line on my tumblr, also "Phoenix_Rises_Again". 
> 
>  
> 
> Until next time...

      The resilient beeping of the heart monitor echoed around the cold, clean, dimly lit medical bay, the area silent but for the single machine.  Raven sat curled up as comfortably as she could manage and watched the lines trace across the screen of the monitor, reassured as each tone sounded out another beat of Luna’s heart.  It had been three days since their siege on Polis and there had been no change in Luna’s condition.  She had not stirred even once and had become pale and sallow as the days began to blend together.  Upon their return, Abby had determined that there was not significant swelling to her brain, which was fortunate, but head wounds tended to bleed a lot.  It would take a little time before Luna’s body fully recovered from the shock of losing the volume of blood she had.  Abby had assured Raven that Luna would wake up when she was ready and there was nothing they could do but wait patiently.

      So she’d sat at the girls bedside, day and night, just waiting for any sign that Luna was going to return to the land of the living.  She’d prayed, begged, and pled with any deity that would listen for her lover’s safe return.  As of yet, her pleas had gone unanswered and while the heart monitored offered her a solid form of hope, she couldn’t help but allow fear and worry to gnaw at her insides as she waited with bated breath for Luna’s eyes to open once again.  She folded her arms on the edge of the bed and rested her chin on them so that she could watch both the monitor and Luna.  Her hand absentmindedly wandered to Luna’s arm that sat in front of her and she traced pattens into the soft skin as she continued to wait.  She knew she would wait forever if she had to.

      The first day that they’d returned to Arkadia, Raven had settled in her current spot and refused to leave.  Abby had tried to argue with her and insisted that she go rest in her bunk, but had eventually given up when she realized that Raven was not going to budge on the matter. Instead, Abby had settled for trying to clean up her wounds as she sat with Luna’s hand in her own.  On the second day, Octavia had argued with her to at least take a break for food and to stretch her limbs.  Though it was incredibly uncomfortable in the seat she’d pulled up and her back and leg had protested at the treatment, she’d remained steadfast in her desire to stay bedside.  She only ever left Luna’s side to relieve herself and even then, she used the restroom in the medical bay.  Octavia had given up in the evening of the second day and in lieu of arguing, decided to bring food to Raven, which the older girl was grateful for beyond words.

      Raven smirked as she thought of Octavia’s amused grin when she had set the tray of food down next to Raven.  Despite all of her arguing, they both knew that if it was Lincoln in the bed instead, Octavia would be right there with him- just as stubborn.  At this point, Abby had simply accepted Raven’s continued presence in the medical bay, no longer choosing to waste her energy on arguing.  Night had fallen a few hours ago and all the lights had automatically dimmed to accommodate those wishing to rest.  Raven sighed heavily and sat back, her hands briefly leaving Luna’s skin as she carefully stretched her arms over her head, wary of the stitches in her back as she did so.  Just because Abby was done yelling about her stubbornness did not mean that she wouldn’t yell at her about a few popped stitches.  Raven also may or may not have learned that first hand the previous night when she’d accidentally pulled a whole line of them out as she’d unconsciously stretched.  As she settled back down, she returned to Luna’s arm and continued tracing patterns into them.  

      Raven look up discreetly as she heard a muffled sniffle emanate from the dark corner across from her and Luna.  She could just barely make out Clarke’s form curled into a chair of her own, the blonde’s eyes focused on the empty bed before her.  Though it was dark in the bay, Raven’s eyes could still make out the even darker blood stains standing out starkly against the white sheets.  Raven’s heart ached for the blonde as she took in Clarke’s seemingly catatonic state.  Tears silently tracked down Clarke’s cheeks, the moisture glinting in the low light before it disappeared beneath her chin.

      Clarke, like Raven, had not left the medical bay since they’d returned to Arkadia.  After they’d arrived the first day, no one had bothered arguing with the blonde as they had with Raven, and she didn’t blame them.  The murderous look Clarke gave anytime one of them had approached her with the intent to persuade her to leave was enough to make them turn right back around without saying a word.  The only person she’d allowed near her was Kai and he had only whispered a few words before leaving to return to Azgeda territory and deal with the fallout Nia’s death had left behind.  Clarke could be truly fierce when she needed to be, something that Raven knew but had only seen in action up close the last few days.  Octavia brought food for the blonde when she brought Raven’s food, but unlike the mechanic who wolfed her food down as though afraid it might disappear, Clarke’s food sat untouched meal after meal.  Abby had told Raven earlier in the night that she was afraid she might have to hook Clarke up to an IV to ensure that she was getting the necessary nutrients if the blonde continued to refuse food.

      While Raven was frustrated and scared for Luna, she knew the woman would eventually wake up and likely be fine.  Clarke…well, Clarke hadn’t been afforded the fortune of knowing that about Lexa.  Lexa had barely made the journey from Polis to Arkadia, Abby having to jump in the cart a mile out from the gates of Arkadia to assist Clarke with CPR when Lexa’s heart had stopped.  They’d been able to get the rhythm back after several nerve wracking minutes during which Raven was sure Clarke would die right alongside Lexa if the brunette didn’t make it.

      Once they’d made it back to Arkadia, Abby had rushed Lexa into the operating room but barred Clarke from being inside with her.  Clarke had protested vehemently but had not fared very well against the sedative Lincoln stealthily delivered as she’d argued.  By the time Clarke came around, Abby was just finishing Lexa’s surgery.  She had emerged from the OR bloodied, exhausted, and grim.  Clarke could tell just from looking at her mother that things had not gone well.  Raven could tell by the look on Clarke’s face that she believed Lexa had succumbed to her injuries, but Abby had quickly assured her that while it had been touch and go for a majority of the surgery, Lexa was still alive.  The brunette was wheeled out of the room as Abby had reassured Clarke that Lexa was alive but in extremely critical condition and may still die.  The moment Clarke had seen Lexa, however, had pulled her attention from Abby and she was solely focused on the pale brunette.  Abby had left her alone with Lexa for a while until she knew Clarke would be able to focus on what she was saying.

      A few hours later, Abby had returned and Raven sat with Clarke as she had explained the severity of Lexa’s injuries.  The knife had punctured Lexa’s abdominal cavity and perforated her stomach.  As a result, the contents of Lexa’s stomach had slowly been seeping into the cavity, threatening all of her organs with sepsis.  That combined with the severe blood loss and Abby was honestly surprised that Lexa had even made it back to Arkadia at all.  Abby had been able to repair the tear in Lexa’s stomach lining, but it was not a sure fix.  The risk of sepsis was higher than Abby had seen in most patients and she didn’t sugar coat anything when she told Clarke that she had seen patients with less severe injuries fall pray to infection and die.  She confirmed that Lexa’s ribs had indeed been broken once more, but that had turned out to be the one thing that had saved her life.  Because of they way they’d been broken, Nia’s knife had glanced off one of them and it had pushed the blade away from an area that would have been instantly fatal.  The only other saving grace to the entire situation is that Nia’s blade had not been dipped in the traditional Azgedan poison and Lexa’s body would not also have to fight that as well as everything else.

      While she did not offer much hope, Abby assured Clarke that Lexa was young, healthy, and one of the strongest people she’d ever seen.  If anyone could pull through, Lexa was the one to do it.  So, Raven had settled in beside Luna and Clarke had done the same with Lexa.  Clarke had barely said a word since the fight for Polis and Raven respected her wish for silence.  It was rather cool in the bay and Abby had explained that it was to cut down the risk of exposure to infection.  Kai had brought them all warm furs to cover themselves with and while they were excellent quality, Clarke had apparently not found them warm enough for Lexa and had taken to crawling into bed with the brunette at night.  When Raven had quirked a brow the first time, Clarke had simply looked at her and told her in a raspy, unused voice: “She’s still cold”.

      So it went like that until the third day.  Each night Raven would settle in her chair under her blanket and Clarke would crawl into bed with Lexa, dropping both their furs over them.  Every night, Raven could hear Clarke quietly singing to Lexa.  It was never a tune she recognized and it was always in Trigedasleng so she couldn’t understand most of the words, but Raven found a certain comfort in the songs.  It was almost as if they were native lullabies and they reminded her a bit of the songs her father had used to lull her to sleep with when she was a child.  They had been fortunate to have Indra return with them, as she had been fielding all the inquiries into the Commander’s health.  Many people had voiced their uncertainties on whether Lexa would survive or not and Raven was grateful that Clarke did not have to deal with them herself.  Indra had also allowed them to treat Lexa with their advanced technology, having decided that she’d rather see her Heda alive rather than dead, despite the verbal discipline she would have to deal with for allowing the strange weapons to heal her.  

      As Clarke had been preparing them for bed on the third night, she had just covered Lexa with the furs and was about to climb in when the brunette had begun seizing violently.  Clarke had tried her best to stabilize her until Abby responded, but the convulsions had torn Lexa’s still fresh stitches out.  The hemorrhaging that had resulted because of the torn stitches had painted the entire bed and surrounding floor in shades of crimson until they’d been able to get the seizure under control.  At that point, Lexa’s blood pressure had dropped so low that her heart had given out once more.  She’d still been coding when Abby rushed her back into the OR.  This time, Clarke had not argued and had simply sat back in her chair, covered in blood, staring at the spot Lexa had been in.  They’d transferred Lexa to a hard backed bed when she’d coded, needing the support to do proper compressions, so the blood soaked sheets had been left behind in the wake of the chaos.

      Something about Clarke’s demeanor had again warned Raven away from her.  Clarke had a look in her eyes that reminded Raven of a wild animal, one that could turn vicious and deadly with just the slightest provocation.  So they’d settled back into silence, the only sound was that of Luna’s heart monitor steadily chirping into the quiet.  They sat that way for hours, both anxiously awaiting news on Lexa’s condition.  Raven had busied herself with drawing patterns into Luna’s skin as Clarke stared into nothing, both too keyed up to sleep even though exhaustion was clearly present in both their features.  The last few days had been more than taxing, as reluctant as either of them was to admit it.  

      Raven sighed heavily once more as she settled back onto her crossed arms, her fingers playing lightly over Luna’s skin.  

      “That tickles,” came a broken mumble.

      Raven froze in place, her fingers hovering just above the back of Luna’s hand as she struggled to figure out if she’d actually heard what she thought she had or if she was finally cracking from all the stress.  She didn’t even dare to breathe, too afraid that the moment wasn’t real, and then the hand beneath hers slowly flipped over and took hold of hers and brought it back down to the bed.  Raven slowly brought her eyes from the now joined hands up to the eyes that she’d been afraid she’d never see again.  They were bloodshot and rimmed with dark circles, but they were open and staring back at her.  Raven let out a strangled yelp before jumping up and gathering the girl in her arms.  A quiet groan escaped the redhead and Raven carefully but quickly released her.

      “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” she whispered apologetically.

      “It’s ok.  I’m just really sore,” Luna responded, her voice cracking from disuse.

      This time, Raven leaned down and carefully placed a chaste kiss on Luna’s lips before moving to each cheek.  As she pulled back, she realized she was crying.  

      “This whole time and I haven’t cried once,” Raven said in frustration as she wiped at her cheeks hastily.

      Luna stared at her for a moment, as if searching for something.  “How long?”

      Raven was silent for a beat before responding.  Her features grew dark despite her best efforts to keep them light.  “Three days,” she finally revealed.

      “You’ve been here the whole time, haven’t you?” Luna asked, though she could tell from Raven’s disheveled appearance and the slight smell emanating from her that the mechanic had not left her side.

      Raven’s cheeks tinged pink and she merely nodded in confirmation.

      “I’m sorry I scared you,” Luna whispered regretfully.

      Raven leaned down and placed another kiss, this one more heated, on Luna’s chapped lips.  Her tears ran down and mixed in as she moved her lips against Luna’s, her relief represented by her actions.  After a moment, she pulled back slightly so that she could look into Luna’s eyes.  She stared for a moment, lost for a moment in how grey they were.  She’d almost forgotten what they looked like.

      “I thought I told you not to go anywhere I could not follow,” Raven murmured quietly.

      “I’m sorry, ai hodnes,” Luna mumbled back as a wave of exhaustion overtook her and her eyes fluttered closed once more.  “I’m so tired.  I don’t know why.  I’m sorry.”

      “It’s ok.  It will all be ok now.  Sleep.  I will be here,” Raven reassured her.

      A smirk pulled at Luna’s lips as she managed to pop an eye open to look at Raven.  “Not to sound unappreciative of your support and care, but you may go bathe.  I’m not going anywhere.”

      Raven lightly smacked her arm in mock offense at the words, though the wide grin belayed any offense she may have taken at the words.  

      “I’ll shower on one condition,” Raven offered as she watched Luna’s eyes close once more.  When Luna cocked a brow in question, Raven continued.  “You tell me what ‘ai hodnes’ means.”

      Luna’s smirk grew at the request.  “Shower first, translation later.”

      Raven grumbled but stood and stretched before placing a kiss to her lips once more.  As she was about to turn to leave, Luna was suddenly awake once more.

      “Did we win?  Did we beat Nia?” she asked, now wide awake.  At Raven’s hesitant nod, Luna’s eyes clouded over.  “At what cost?” she whispered, barely audible as though she were afraid to ask.

      Luna followed Raven’s eyes as they flicked to the now empty bed.  Clarke was staring at them wistfully, tears still falling steadily down her cheeks.  When Luna locked eyes with her, Clarke gave her a faint smile.

      “I’m glad you’re going to be ok,” she said quietly but genuinely.

      “Lex?” Luna inquired, the heart monitor picking up on her increased heart beat.

      Clarke’s eyes turned sad and distant once more as she resumed her staring contest with the bloody sheets before her.  “I’m not sure,” came the barely audible reply.

      “Clarke…,” Luna began, but Clarke shook her head violently.

      “Please don’t.  Please don’t tell me you’re sorry,” Clarke begged desperately.  “I’m barely holding it together as it is.  That will break me.”

      “I understand,” Luna nodded, her eyes fluttering closed once more.  “Wake me when you know something?” she directed her question at Raven.

      “Of course,” Raven promised as she turned to leave once more.

      Once the mechanic was gone, the bay returned to silence, the only sound again being that of Luna’s heart monitor.

 

**XXX**

 

      Luna awoke a few hours later to the quiet sound of shuffling to her right.  After blinking her eyes a few times to clear away the sleep, she looked over to see a few people transferring Lexa from one bed to another.  The woman was nearly unrecognizable under all the medical wrappings, tubes, and wires.  Her usually bronze complexion was pale, sallow, and gaunt.  If it were not for the exact same heart monitor chirping over her shoulder, Luna would have thought Lexa was dead.  As the nurses settled Lexa in the bed and moved away, Luna was able to make out Abby speaking quietly with Clarke a few feet away.  The blonde was staring over her mother’s shoulder as the woman spoke, her expression empty and devoid of any emotion.  Abby’s expression, however, appeared remorseful and strained, as though finding it physically painful to be updating Clarke on Lexa’s condition.

      She fidgeted as she watched the two women, Abby’s expression evident that maybe everything was not going to be alright.  She startled slightly when a soft hand came down over hers, stilling her movements.  She looked to her other side to see Raven looking at her knowingly.  Luna intertwined their fingers before turning to look back at Abby.

      Abby raised a hand and placed it on Clarke’s shoulder briefly before whispering a final few words and moving towards Luna.  Abby cleared her throat and seemed to gather herself as she approached her other patient, a deep exhaustion apparent on the older woman’s features.  

      “It is good to see you with your eyes open, Luna,” Abby told her quietly.  “You had Raven worried.”

      A snort sounded from Luna’s side as Raven grumbled something about not being worried.

      “Raven, you refused to move for three days and threatened to fight Octavia if she came back one more time insisting you leave to eat and shower,” Abby stated pointedly.

      Luna turned to the other girl and quirked an eyebrow in amusement as she watched the mechanic’s cheeks flush instantly red.  Luna chuckled quietly and squeezed Raven’s hand in her own before turning back to face Abby.  

      “If you don’t mind, I just need to check your stitches and perform a few follow up tests,” Abby said as she pulled a penlight from her pocket.

      Luna nodded and followed all of Abby’s instructions to follow fingers and stare into the blinding light of the pen.  While Luna found the tests odd and didn’t quite understand what Abby was looking for, she knew that the woman was competent and didn’t question her methods.  After a few minutes, Abby put the penlight back in her pocket and picked up the bunch of papers at the end of Luna’s bed.  She began writing on them and spoke with the two women as she did so.

      “Everything looks normal to me,” Abby told them.  “A few more days of rest and you’ll be able to get back on your feet.”

      “Thank-you, Abby,” Luna replied, relieved.

      “Think nothing of it,” Abby dismissed with a wave of her hand.  “You did most of the work anyways.”  

      A silence fell over the small group as Abby continued to write down notes on what Raven quietly told her was her chart.  When she looked confused, Raven explained that it was their way of keeping track of Luna’s progress.  Luna nodded her understanding and watched Abby for a few moments before her eyes tracked back to the woman lying in the bed next to her.  Clarke had moved back to her chair at some point during Abby’s assessment and her expression, while still mostly masked, had a tinge of hopelessness to it.  Mustering herself, Luna prepared to ask Abby about Lexa, fearing she already knew the answer.

      “How’s Lexa?” she heard Raven ask quietly.

      Luna looked at her in appreciation for a moment at not having to ask herself before she trained her eyes on Abby once more.  Abby was quick to slip on her own mask, but she wasn’t quite fast enough to cover up the remorse that flashed across first.

      “It doesn’t look good,” she revealed regretfully.  “It appears she had some kind of infection prior to these injuries, perhaps a cold of some sort, and that has compromised her immune system and made it more difficult for her body to fight the sepsis.”

      Luna unconsciously squeezed Raven’s hand as Abby spoke, the news about her friend rattling her.

      “So…” Luna paused as she tried to gather the courage to ask whether Lexa would live or not. 

      Abby, seeming to sense Luna’s unspoken question, looked down at the both of them regretfully.

      “I can’t say what will happen at this point.  The second time we took her into the OR, we had to crack her chest to get her heart started again.  That procedure alone is taxing on a healthy person,” Abby explained.  “Given all of Lexa’s other injuries and the infection, it is truly a miracle that she’s still breathing now.  I had to medically induce a coma so that her body could properly try and heal as it fights.”

      “What does that mean?  A coma?” Luna asked, confused.  She had never heard the term used before.

      “It means that she’s going to be asleep for a while…and that she may never wake up again,” Raven whispered fearfully.

      Luna looked at Raven before looking at Abby once more for confirmation.  The doctor’s expression mirrored Clarke’s in that moment- a slight look of hopelessness and overwhelming sadness.  Luna swallowed heavily, willing her emotions to cooperate.

      “Lexa is strong.  She will survive this,” she assured both women.

      “Time will tell,” Abby replied sorrowfully.  “She’s loaded up on the strongest antibiotics we have.  It’s up to her now.  I’ve done everything I can.”

      With that, Abby replaced Luna’s chart at the end of her bed before she moved to Lexa’s bed and picked hers up.  It was considerably thicker than Luna’s and she walked it over to a desk in a far corner that Luna had not previously noticed.  She watched as Abby sank into the chair, the exhaustion and sorrow from the last few days clearly weighing on the doctor.  Luna turned her eyes back to her Commander, the woman who now looked so small and fragile in the bed next to her.  She silently willed the woman to fight, to come back to them and lead her people once more like she was meant to.  She watched as Clarke spread the blankets over Lexa and crawled under them, careful not to jostle the woman and pull any wires or tubes out.  The muffled sounds of a song floated to them and she realized Clarke was singing songs from the Trikru Clan.  

      Luna knew she shouldn’t be surprised that Clarke knew the songs, Lexa had told her that Clarke had spent quite a bit of time wandering their lands after the mountain had fallen.  It was comforting to hear her familiar language and before she was aware of what was happening, her own eyes were fluttering closed once more as well.  Before she was fully asleep, she shifted enough to pull Raven into her bed beside her.  Clarke’s quiet voice and Raven’s warmth lulled Luna to sleep quickly and once more she fell into unconsciousness.

 

**XXX**

 

      The next few days crept past slowly with Luna in and out of sleep.  On the fourth day, she was restless and tired of sitting around in bed.  Abby did a quick assessment and agreed that Luna should try walking around.  With the help of both Raven and Octavia, she was able to get up and walk around outside the medical bay for the first time in a week.  The first thing she had insisted on was a shower of her own, which Raven had happily offered to help her with.  

      When she had returned to the medical bay for one final night of observation at Abby’s insistence, it had not seemed as daunting as it had earlier in the day.  Her spirit had been lifted at the idea that she’d be well enough to leave tomorrow morning after Abby removed her stitches.  Raven seemed to be a little lighter as well, though that was likely because she’d be able to sleep in her own bed for the first time in a week.  Despite Luna doing well, the mechanic had still refused to leave her bedside.  Luna had learned a lot about how stubborn Raven could truly be over the past week.  It wasn’t all bad, however.  Raven would crawl into bed with her each night and despite the steady beeping of Lexa’s heart monitor beside them, it was almost as though they were back in Luna’s village when they were together.

      There had been no change in Lexa’s condition since she had come out of surgery the second time.  Abby had become slightly more optimistic after Lexa had survived the first night and her vitals had improved slightly, but there had been absolutely no change in Lexa’s vitals since then.  Luna wanted to believe that was a good thing because it meant that Lexa was no longer getting worse, but Abby had been honest and straightforward when she told them that it may mean Lexa would never wake again.  Abby had weened Lexa off the heavy sedation medications the morning prior and had said that it was just a waiting game to see if and when Lexa woke up.  

      Clarke remained by her side day in and day out and the wear on her was evident in the slump of her shoulders and the dark circles that had taken up residence under her eyes.  She had at least started eating again after Abby had threatened to sedate her and hook her up to an IV if her behavior continued.  Luna understood what Clarke was doing by refusing food.  She could tell the blonde felt guilty about Lexa’s condition and was punishing herself.  Raven had tried to tell her that none of what had happened was her fault, but Clarke had told her quite blatantly to shut up or get out.  Raven hadn’t mentioned the subject again and only Abby’s threat had The next food that Octavia brought past had disappeared in less than a minute, an almost smug and defiant look on Clarke’s features when Abby noticed the empty tray.

      Each night, they would all fall asleep to Clarke quietly singing or spinning grand tales of magical lands with princess’ and love and happiness.  Raven had explained to Luna that the stories were “fairytales” and they had been used on the Ark to put the children to sleep.  Luna enjoyed each one more than the last and soon began looking forward to the end of each day to hear a new one.  On the nights that Clarke would sing, Luna would quietly join in when they were songs that she recognized.  Clarke knew a surprising amount and impressed her with her seemingly limitless knowledge of their culture.  

      They had gone through the same process that night, with Raven falling asleep in her arms.  Luna had only been asleep for a few hours when she was woken by a flurry of movement and the sounds of a struggle.  She was confused for a moment before she remembered where she was.  Her attention was drawn to where Lexa appeared to be writhing on her bed as Clarke and Raven struggled to hold her down by her shoulders.  The brunette’s eyes were still closed, but her body was nearly bucking off the table she was moving so much.  

      “What’s going on?!” Luna called over the noise, confused.

      “We don’t know!” Raven yelled back as she struggled to keep Lexa down.

      Just then, Abby came rushing in, needle in hand.  She expertly slipped between Clarke and Raven to the thrashing woman below them and quickly administered whatever was in the needle.  A few moments later, Lexa’s movements lessened until she finally stilled.  Raven let out a sigh of relief as she made her way back to Luna’s bedside and sank into the chair there.

      “What happened, mom?” Clarke asked as she checked over Lexa’s stitches to make sure none had broken as the woman had flailed about.

      Abby did her own quick assessment before looking at her daughter, a faint smile lighting her features.

      “She’s fighting the intubation tube,” Abby said in awe.  When everyone else only looked at her in confusion, Abby smiled wider.  “It means that she’s healing.  If her body is fighting the tube, its strong enough to breath on its own.”

      “She’s…she’s getting better?” Clarke asked tentatively as if afraid to get her hopes up.

      “It would appear so,” Abby nodded.

      For the first time since Polis, a smile broke out on Clarke’s features as she threw her arms around Abby.

      “It’s still early, but this is definitely a good sign,” Abby continued.  “If you give me a moment, I’ll get the necessary medical tray to remove the tube so we can see how she does.”

      Clarke released her and stepped back, her hand immediately moving to take Lexa’s in her own as she leaned down to whisper in the brunette’s ear.  A moment later, Abby returned with the promised tray.  She carefully pulled the medical tape away that was securing the tube and removed a few other pieces before looking up at Clarke.  

      “Even though she is sedated, her body will fight the tube on the way out.  Hold her shoulders for me, ok?” Abby asked as she positioned her hands over Lexa’s mouth.  

      Clarke nodded in understanding and got ready to do as her mother asked.  As Abby slowly retracted the tube, Lexa’s body jerked uncontrollably as it unconsciously fought the foreign object.  A few moments later, however, and the tube was gone as Lexa gasped for air.  Another few seconds and her breathing quieted as it evened out and she seemed to settle once more.  Both Abby and Clarke let out an audible sigh of relief as they watched the monitor over Lexa’s shoulder.  Neither Raven nor Luna knew what they were looking at, but both had seemed to relax when they found it.

      “It looks like she's doing well,” Abby commented.  “As long as her sats stay above ninety, she can stay off the tube.  I am going to supplement her with some pure oxygen to help her sats get to the normal range.”

      Clarke nodded her understanding and watched as her mother unwound the nasal cannula and tubing for the built in oxygen on the wall at the head of Lexa’s bed.  She took it from her mother and settled it under Lexa’s nose as Abby set the pressure.  Once that was taken care of, Clarke settled back in her seat and took Lexa’s hand once more.  Abby did another quick assessment before going to one of the cabinets and retrieving a syringe and some bottle with a blue liquid in it.  She filled the syringe and pushed the liquid into Lexa’s IV.  

      “She still has a high fever, so hopefully these antibiotics will help knock that down,” Abby explained quietly, sensing Clarke’s silent question.  “I need you to keep an eye on her sats and if they dip, I need to know immediately, alright?”

      Clarke nodded her understanding and Abby gave her a small smile before leaving the medical bay once more.  

      “This is good, Clarke.  There is hope,” Luna said happily.

      “There was always hope,” Clarke replied quietly, her eyes never leaving Lexa’s face.  “Now we just have more.”

      Luna smiled at Clarke’s unwavering belief in Lexa’s strength.  She was happy beyond belief that Lexa had managed to find her after everything that had happened with her family and Costia.  The woman had suffered enough and deserved nothing but love and happiness, something she knew Clarke gave her.

      “You’re good for her,” Luna told Clarke, smiling at the blonde, “and I am glad she has you.”

      “She is the one that is good for me.  She saved me,” Clarke mused quietly as she brushed strands of hair from Lexa’s face.

      A comfortable silence settled over them and Luna could see the exhaustion in Raven’s tired eyes as she watched them.  Gesturing at her, she pulled the girl into bed with her and pulled her close as she placed a kiss on her forehead.  They laid in silence for a while until Luna was sure that Raven was asleep.  She looked up to see Clarke watching them, a small smile on her features.

      “You’re good for her too,” she whispered, gesturing at Raven.  “She needed you, even if she’ll never admit it.  You saved her too.”

      Luna was about to reply when Raven shifted closer and spoke instead.  “Go float yourself, Griffin.”

      Luna didn’t understand the phrase, but when Clarke let out a quiet chuckle, she knew it was likely some type of Skaikru expletive.  Silence fell over them once more and Raven burrowed even closer as she settled.  A few minutes later, she spoke again, this time her voice was low so only Luna could hear her.

      “I asked Octavia what ‘ai hodnes’ meant since you insisted on being secretive about it,” Raven revealed.

      Luna stiffened slightly at the confession, not quite sure how Raven would react to being referred to as ‘my love’.  After a moment of silence she poked Raven in the side.

      “And?” Luna inquired impatiently.

      “And, I’ll take it,” Raven replied smugly.  “I think it fits, don't you, my love?”

      Luna couldn’t contain the grin that took over her features as Raven turned her face up to look at her.  Without hesitating, she pressed her lips to the mechanic’s, the familiar feel of them settling her as they always did.  They fell into a content silence and after a few long minutes, she felt Raven’s breathing even out as she fell asleep.  The quiet song that made its way to her ears a few minutes later was not one that she recognized this time.  It seemed sad but hauntingly beautiful as Clarke quietly moved from verse to verse.  Luna was asleep before she had finished.

 

**XXX**

 

      Luna had been released from the hospital two days ago and was quickly regaining her strength, mostly due to Raven’s help.  Lexa had also been improving, but still remained unconscious.  Her heart beat had grown stronger, as had her sats, and she hadn’t needed to go back on the tube like Abby thought she might.  Lexa’s fever had broken last night and she could see Clarke growing more hopeful each day, even taking a few minutes to leave and shower.  When she had gone back to her old room to shower, Clarke had found her drawing supplies right where she had left them months ago.  Bringing them back with her,  she had settled back in her seat beside Lexa once more, this time with charcoals in hand.  She sang quietly as she worked, her favorite song that she had learned in her time abroad, which happened to be from Trikru lands.  Though she wasn’t particularly fluent in Trigedasleng when spoken, the songs came easily to her and kept her mind occupied.

      It had been nearly ten days since the attack on Polis.  Nearly ten days since Nia had fallen at Lexa’s hands.  Nearly ten days since she’d seen her favorite shade of green staring back at her.  Clarke had been wrestling with the guilt of not aiding Lexa in the fight, but she had known it was something that Lexa needed to do for herself.  She just had to have faith that everything would work out.  Indra had been past the day prior and advised her that the people were growing restless without a leader.  If Lexa did not wake soon, she would be forced to begin the conclave that would appoint a new Commander.  Clarke had begged her for just a couple more days, sure that Lexa would wake any day.  Still, twenty-four hours later and there had been no change other than a slight lessening of the fever that still raged through the brunette’s body.  Clarke sang the last few words in the song as she shaded in parts of her drawing.

      “That’s my favorite song,” came a raspy voice, breaking the silence.

      Clarke was so startled, her hand jerked across the page and off the paper as she shot out of her seat.  The pages and charcoals fell to the floor as she instinctively fell into her fighting stance.  Her eyes darted around the room looking for the source of the voice before her gaze fell on dull but open green eyes staring back at her, a hint of amusement glinting in them.  Clarke’s mouth opened and shut a few times, her inability to find words apparent.  Finally, after multiple failed attempts, she took a deep breath to steady herself as she took Lexa’s hand in her own.

      “Lexa,” she breathed as relief washed over her.

      “Clarke,” Lexa acknowledged back.

      “You’re awake,” Clarke observed dumbly, her brain failing her.

      “So it appears,” Lexa confirmed, a confused but amused look crossing her features.

      “How do you feel?” Clarke asked, voice wavering.

      “I’ve had worse,” came Lexa’s quiet but cheeky answer.

      There was a brief pause during which Lexa was sure Clarke stopped breathing and blinked several times, as though trying to make sure this was not a dream.  Then, quite suddenly, the blonde was burying her face in the brunette’s neck and Lexa could feel hot tears dripping onto her skin.  She could feel Clarke shaking with sobs, the sound muffled by her neck.  All she could do was free one hand to rub soothing circles into Clarke’s back.  After a few minutes, Clarke seemed to regain control of herself and pulled back slowly, turning to sit on the edge of Lexa’s bed, all the while holding her hand.

      “God, I have never been so scared for someone in my entire life,” Clarke revealed tearfully.  “Don’t you ever, _ever_ do that to me again, do you hear me?”

      Lexa moved her hand to cup Clarke’s face, her own remorse at causing the girl worry washing over her.  “I promise that I will do my best.”

      Clarke seemed to understand that Lexa couldn’t promise she’d never be injured again, her position still came with many dangers despite Nia having been taken out of the picture.  

      “How bad was it?” she rasped after a few quiet moments.

      Clarke looked at her, and the answer was written all over her face without her actually needing to verbalize it.  Lexa nodded in understanding, not needing Clarke to actually speak.  Clarke looked down at their joined hands, her fingers running across Lexa’s knuckles gently.  She glanced up and whispered, “You’ve been unconscious for nearly a week and a half.”

      The answer shocked Lexa and she immediately attempted to sit up, gasping as pain shot through her side and chest at the sudden movement.

      “Whoa!  You can’t move!  You’re not fully healed, Lexa,” Clarke exclaimed as she reached out to steady the brunette.

      “I need to appear before my people, show them that I am well.  That I am not weak,” Lexa argued as she tried to catch her breath.

      “You will, when you're able,” Clarke told her sternly.  “You were stabbed in the gut.  You need rest right now.  Indra has been handling it.”

      Lexa opened her mouth to argue, but Clarke silenced her by capturing Lexa’s lips with her own.  The kiss was heated, full of all the worry that Clarke had felt in the last ten days.  When she finally pulled back, Lexa’s point was well and truly forgotten.

      “I nearly lost you,” Clarke whispered.  “I just got you back.”

      Lexa’s features softened as she watched Clarke grapple for control as the fear and uncertainty that she’d been dealing with nearly swept over and took control.  

      “That’s fair,” Lexa agreed.  “But we will talk about this again later,” she continued giving Clarke a pointed look.

      “I’d expect no less from you,” Clarke replied.

      She watched as Clarke bent to retrieve the papers she’d been working on and she caught bits of the drawing.  She took in a sharp breath as her hand reached out to still Clarke’s.

      “Is that me?” Lexa asked in awe.  The drawing was so lifelike and detailed, she was sure it was more than just a drawing.

      Clarke’s ears turned pink and she just nodded in response.

      “It’s beautiful,” Lexa breathed, pulling the drawing closer to examine it better.  “You’re incredible.”

      “You’re the one that beat death.  You’re incredible,” Clarke argued. Then, in a low tone, “I am so glad you’re alright.”

      “Me too,” Lexa replied as she pulled the blonde down to lay next to her.  

      They fell into a comfortable silence as Clarke listened to the sound of Lexa’s heart beat echo both in her chest and on the heart monitor above them.  She felt Lexa stiffen beside her and she turned her face to look at the brunette.

      “What happened to Luna?  Is she ok?” Lexa inquired, the heart monitor suddenly picking up in speed.

      “She’s fine,” Clarke soothed as she pressed her lips to the pulse point in Lexa’s neck.  “She was released a couple days ago.”

      She felt Lexa breathe a sigh of relief at the information, her heart rate coming back down.  “And what of Cage and Tyler?” 

      “Tyler bled out and died.  Rightfully so,” Clarke advised her.  “Cage was brought here and is being kept in one of our prison cells until you’ve decided what you’d like to do with him.”

      “Good,” Lexa muttered.  “Perhaps we can address that particular problem tomorrow.”

      “Enough about that.  Please just focus on getting better.  You still have a fever,” Clarke scolded her.  “Sleep now, worry about Cage and your people tomorrow.”

      “I am very tired,” Lexa revealed, yawning as if to accentuate that point.  “But I am always worrying about my people.”

      “I know, but Indra is handling it.  One more night and we will worry about this in the morning.  I will be right here with you,” Clarke assured her, snuggling closer and pulling the furs over them.

      She felt Lexa’s breathing slow and even out as the brunette moved towards sleep once more.  Her eyes began to flutter shut as well and she could feel the energy that Lexa’s waking had given her seeping from her exhausted body.

      “Clarke?”  The question was quiet, as though afraid she may wake the blonde.

      “Lexa,”  Clarke responded quietly.

      “When I had nothing, you were everything to me,” Lexa revealed quietly.  “You still are.  I want to make sure you know that.”

      Clarke leaned up to look Lexa in the eye, tears forming in her eyes once more.  “I do.”

      She placed a kiss on Lexa’s lips once more before settling back down.  Silence enveloped them as Lexa let out a heavy but relieved sigh that everything seemed to have worked out.

      “Lexa?” Clarke’s voice was thick with impending sleep.

      “Clarke.”

      “Ai hod yu in.”

      “I love you too.”

 

**XXX**

 

      Abby had come in later that night to check on them and was overjoyed to find Lexa awake and alert.  She told them it was a miracle and had no idea how Lexa had survived.  Lexa had thanked her for everything she had done, having learned from Clarke that Abby was the one who had saved her not once, but twice.  Abby had given her more antibiotics before leaving them once more.  They’d fallen back to sleep easily enough and woke early the next morning.  

      Indra came past right at dawn and even though her expression remained stoic, Clarke could tell that the warrior was beyond relieved that her Heda was finally awake.  As expected, Lexa had tried to verbally berate her for allowing the advanced technology of the Skaikru to heal her, but Clarke had poked her in the side hard enough to make her shut her mouth soon after opening it.  Clarke was pretty sure she’d never seen Indra look at her with more gratitude than in that moment.  She was also sure it would never happen again. 

      Knowing that Lexa wouldn’t fully relax and focus on healing until she had checked on her people herself, Clarke and Indra reluctantly helped her from her bed and to the gates of Arkadia to speak with them herself.  Lexa stood without support for almost five minutes before Clarke could sense that her body was going to give out on her.  Rather than allow Lexa to appear weak in front of her people, Clarke made some excuse that put the blame of their departure on her shoulders and not Lexa’s.  She could see the relief in Lexa’s features as she pulled her from the gates and back towards the medical bay.

      “Thank-you for allowing me to speak with my people,” Lexa murmured as she leaned heavily on Clarke.  Each step was done slowly and with increasing effort.

      “I didn’t let you do anything.  We both know you would have gone regardless of what I had to say,” Clarke replied ruefully as she wrapped her arm more securely around Lexa’s waist.

      “My people need to see me well, need to see that I am alive and not weak,” Lexa replied seriously.

      “Which is why I helped you instead of arguing with you,” Clarke agreed.  “As long as it isn’t detrimental to your health, then I will support you.”

      “I can’t thank you enough for that,” Lexa mumbled, fatigue seeping into every cell of her body.

      They just barely made it back to the medical bay before Lexa’s legs gave out and she collapsed back on her bed.  She was asleep before Clarke even had the chance to settle the blankets around her.  She shook her head slightly and smiled faintly at the woman before her, marveling at both her strength and stubbornness.  No normal human would be up and walking around after injuries and surgeries such as hers, yet Lexa had managed.  Clarke would never cease to be amazed by her.  

 

**XXX**

 

      The next day, Lexa’s fever broke.  When Abby informed Lexa that her fever was finally going down, Clarke saw a burning determination light up Lexa’s eyes.  She knew what that look meant even before Lexa spoke. 

      “Clarke,” Lexa spoke quietly so Abby wouldn’t overhear her.

      “Lexa,” Clarke replied equally as quiet, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

      “My fever is broken,” Lexa reported somewhat smugly, her lips barely fighting the smile that threatened them.

      “I heard that,” Clarke replied, rolling her eyes.

      “You know what I need to do,” Lexa insisted as she leaned closer to the blonde sitting beside her.

      “I know,” Clarke sighed as her eyes wandered to the entrance of the medical bay as Lincoln and Indra swept in.  “That’s why I had Octavia get them,” she said nodding at the two warriors.

      Lexa glanced over and Clarke saw the half smile that flit across her face before she rearranged her features.  

      Clarke helped her swing her legs off the bed and stand.  Lexa was unsteady at best, but her sheer will and determination gave her the strength to stand proudly before two of her finest warriors.  Glancing at Clarke and giving the blonde a subtle nod, Clarke gently backed away from her so that she was standing on her own.  She wavered slightly at first, but seemed to find her balance after a moment.  Clarke could see the relief fill her still slightly sallow features at her ability to hold her own for the time being.  Lexa allowed herself the brief moment of relief before slipping her mask in place and looking at both Lincoln and Indra.

      “Fetch Cage.  Teik em set raun ona tri,” Lexa ordered.

      Both nodded and immediately turned to accomplish what their Heda asked.  Lexa stepped back and sank onto her bed once more, a fine sheen of sweat now dampening her brow at the effort it had taken just to remain standing.  Her stitches pulled painfully with each breath she took, but she knew that if she even gave any indication of the discomfort, Clarke would deny her that which she needed most: vengeance.  

      “You doing alright?” Clarke asked as she wiped Lexa’s face with a cool cloth.

      “I am well, Clarke,” Lexa reassured her.  “Though, I will need one more favor.”

      “Octavia will be right in with your gear,” Clarke told her knowingly as she moved to disconnect all of the remaining tubes and wires that were still attached to the brunette.

      Lexa was silent for a moment, surprised at how well Clarke could read her.

      “I knew this day was coming and I’ve had plenty of time to think about the process,” Clarke explained when Lexa only stared at her.  “I know you, Lexa, just as you know me.”

      Lexa caught Clarke’s hand as she disconnected one of the leads on her chest.  She pressed their hands to her heart, letting them rest there for a moment before reaching up with her other hand and wrapping it around Clarke’s neck to pull her face to hers.  The kiss was heated and full of gratitude and want, Lexa’s lips moving hungrily against Clarke’s as though afraid they’d never have the chance again.  As per usual with them, everything they couldn’t find words for or voice was communicated in the movement of their lips against each other.  When Clarke finally broke the kiss and pulled back slightly, it was to the sight of hooded lids and blown pupils.  A lazy smile stretched across her features as she looked down at the woman she loved.

      “Later,” was all she had to say as she placed one more peck to Lexa’s now slightly swollen lips.

      Lexa groaned quietly in disapproval, knowing Abby was still in the bay somewhere and not wanting to draw attention to their behavior.  Clarke smirked at the noise, resuming the task she’d been seeing to before Lexa had distracted her.  She had just closed off Lexa’s IV when Octavia appeared beside them, Lexa’s armor, shoulder guard, and signature red sash in hand.  With the aid of both Clarke and Octavia, Lexa was able to get changed fairly quickly.  The armor pulled at her already exhausted body and tore at her stitches whenever she moved but she refused to show any discomfort.  Clarke assisted her in applying the kohl to her face, her nearly trademarked look coming together quickly with the blonde’s help.  Once she was dressed, Clarke helped her from the infirmary, offering herself for support as Octavia fell in behind them.  

      Once they left the concealment of the Ark, Lexa straightened up and refused to use Clarke for physical support.  She marched slowly but forcefully to the gates and out beyond them into the tree line of the surrounding forest.  Clarke followed beside her the entire way out of fear that her body would not be able to handle the strain.  They only walked a few hundred feet into the forest when they were suddenly in a clearing.  Clarke was relieved to see that Indra had set up a stand-in throne for Lexa to sit and endure what was to follow so that it wouldn’t be quite so taxing on her.  Hundreds of Grounders had gathered over the last few weeks and were all circled around the clearing, their focus turned to the man tied to a tree posted in the middle of the clearing.  All their attention was diverted, however, when their Commander walked into the clearing.  Many bowed their heads in respectful acknowledgement as she walked up to face the man that had haunted her nightmares for months and turned her into a monster.

      “Cage kom maunon, today is the day you answer for your crimes against me and my people.” Though Clarke could tell the walk and weight of her armor was putting a strain on Lexa, the brunette’s voice rang out loud and clear across the open area.  “As is tradition with my people, you will be subjected to the deserved fate of a slow and torturous death.  One that will occur at all of our hands and over the course of a thousand cuts.”

      Cage shook under Lexa’s steady, hateful gaze, the man clearly terrified of the inevitable fate that awaited him.  Not giving the man a chance to speak, Lexa drew her knife, her favorite wooden handled one and held it over the man’s heart.  She fixed him with her gaze, fire burning in her eyes as they bored into his petrified ones.  The clearing was utterly silent as everyone awaited the first cut to be delivered.  Instead of slicing the man open as anticipated, Lexa turned instead to Lincoln as he stood at Octavia’s side and offered him her knife.

      “Lincoln, many of us have been wronged by this savage, but you and I are the only two to survive.  For that I offer you the first cut,” Lexa advised him.

      Lincoln nodded and stepped forward taking the offered blade.  “Mochof, Heda.”  Lincoln silently turned the blade over in his hand a moment before looking up at his Commander once more.  “If I may, I have something else I’d prefer to administer to this monster.”

      When Lexa nodded in approval, Lincoln placed the knife aside as he withdrew a vial of red liquid and a syringe.  Lexa had to physically stop herself from recoiling as she recognized the serum.  Half her mind screamed to take it, the other half yelled to run as far and fast as her still weak legs would carry her.  She did neither, instead standing rooted to the spot as she watched Lincoln load the needle.  Cage had begun whimpering and pleading at the sight of the stuff, knowing exactly what was coming.  Lincoln tapped the needle, just as Lexa had seen Cage do so many times over before grabbing Cage around the neck to hold him in place.  The smaller man tried to fight but it was useless.  Lincoln pressed the needle into the skin of his neck, burying it in the vein he found there.  Leaning in, he whispered so that only Lexa and Cage could hear him.

      “Don’t worry, I’ve heard the first dose is the worst.”

      Lexa couldn’t hide the shiver that travelled down her spine at the words she’d also heard spoken to her not so long ago.  She pushed down the memories that threatened to overwhelm her as she watched Lincoln depress the plunger so the liquid disappeared into Cage’s bloodstream.  The effect was immediate.  Blood curdling screams were ripped from the man’s throat as he thrashed against the ropes that bound him.  Lexa found a certain satisfaction in the sound, finally seeing Cage get a taste of what he had made so many others endure.  She gave it a minute before looking over at Indra and beckoning her over with a nod.  The general stepped up and took the blade when it was offered to her by Lexa.  Lexa moved to take her seat after that, knowing that her body would not hold up much longer if she continued to insist on standing.  Clarke stood just behind her right shoulder, her own mask firmly in place and her hands clasped together tightly in front of her.  Lexa knew she hated their ways, hated how they insisted on torturing someone before killing them.  She also knew that Clarke understood why she needed to do this.  

      After Indra had made her cut, Octavia stepped up and took the blade from her mentor.  She cut into Cage without hesitation, Clarke realizing for the first time just how far she had come since being on the ground.  Then again, she supposed they had all changed to continue surviving.  Cage’s screams echoed around them until he could no longer do anything more than whimper quietly as his head hung on his chest.  Clarke watched Lexa rather than what was going on before them and refused to participate herself.  Killing for a reason was one thing, torture was something that she would never be able to justify to herself.  Cage lasted almost six hours before it was evident that he was on the brink of death.  Sensing that, Lexa stood and retrieved her knife from the most recent Grounder that had made their cut.  Wiping it on the only clean portion of clothing Cage left on his body, she yanked his head back by the hair, forcing his dull eyes to focus on hers.  Staring directly at him, she ever so slowly advanced the blade into his gut before removing it once more.  Dark blood spilled from the puncture wound.

      “I’m sure you were expecting me to end you quickly, to show some kind of mercy,” Lexa growled so that only he could hear her.  “I’ve just cut into your gut in a manner that will ensure you bleed out slowly in the most painful way known to man.  May your spirit be forever tormented for what you did to me and my people.”

      With that, Lexa turned and returned to her seat to watch the man bleed out.  Ten minutes later, his whimpering stopped and his chest stilled.  Looking to Lincoln, Lexa nodded.  The big man cut Cage down and allowed his body to collapse unceremoniously to the ground.  Drawing his sword, he raised it above his head.  Clarke turned away when she realized what Lincoln was about to do, unable to hide the wince at the sound of metal connecting with flesh.  She still didn’t turn when she felt Lexa take her hand in her own, the warmth and roughness of it  all too familiar.  

      “So his spirit will remain trapped forever,” Lexa explained quietly.

      Clarke nodded in understanding but still didn’t turn.  She felt Lexa working to stand from the makeshift throne and helped pull her to her feet.  Once they had disappeared into the trees once more, Lexa allowed her to wrap an arm around her waist as she leaned heavily into the blonde.

      “Thank-you for allowing me that closure,” Lexa murmured tiredly as they walked.  

      Clarke glanced up at her and could clearly see that a weight had been lifted from the brunette’s shoulders.  She seemed freer than she had in months.  “I could never deny you the vengeance that you so deserved.”

      The rest of the walk passed in comfortable silence, Lexa leaning into Clarke more heavily with each step they took.  It was clear that while the day had offered freedom from some things, it had been very taxing in other ways.  Lexa’s body had been pushed well beyond it’s limits today and Clarke could tell she was in a great deal of pain no matter how she tried to hide it.  When the gates of Arkadia came into view through the trees, Lexa straightened up once more to walk on her own.  Knowing it would be fruitless to argue with the brunette, Clarke merely walked beside her, ready to take on her wait again should she need it.  They made it back to the medical bay after what seemed like hours but was only minutes.  She helped Lexa carefully undress and didn’t miss the small winces of pain as the armor came off piece by piece.  Lexa tried to hide each grimace behind her hair as she put on a brave face for the blonde. 

      Per usual, Lexa was not as convincing as she’d hoped to be to the one person she was trying to fool. 

      “How much pain are you in?” Clarke asked conversationally as she pulled Lexa’s shirt from her torso, revealing the still copious amounts of gauze that covered her chest and side.  Some of it was spotted with bright red blood.

      “Not enough to stop me from what needed to be done,” Lexa replied honestly.

      Clarke leveled a look at her as she got a new shirt ready to pull over Lexa’s head.  “If you push yourself too far and pop those stitches, you'll be right back in this bed.”

      “I promise, I am taking it slowly,” Lexa reassured her.  “I’m only doing what I can handle.”

      Clarke nodded as she settled the shirt on Lexa.  Lexa grabbed her hand before she could pull it away, capturing her attention.

      “Thank-you,” she murmured.

      “Of course,” Clarke replied with a small smile.  “I know it was something you needed to do.  You seem lighter somehow.  Free.”

      “I am,” Lexa agreed quietly as her eyes fluttered closed in contentment.  “Nia and Cage are gone, my people want me to be their Heda once more, and I have you at my side.”

      Clarke beamed at her and the new attitude that had swept over Lexa after Cage’s death.  It was almost as though she were getting a glimpse of the old Lexa, the child that knew nothing of strife, war, and loss.  There was hope in Lexa’s smile now, a genuineness that hadn’t been there before.  Clarke yearned to see those qualities grow in the future and smiled at the idea of being the one to coax them along.

      Once clothed, Lexa sighed in relief as she settled back on the bed, the earlier events taxing her more than she liked to admit.  She shifted slightly so that Clarke could settle down beside her, both content with the silence that fell over them.

      “You know you don’t need to stay in this uncomfortable bed anymore, right?” Lexa asked after a moment.  “You could go home.  I’m going to be fine.  Abby said so.”

      “Lexa, my home is with you,” Clarke stated as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, pushing herself up to look at the brunette.

      Lexa was speechless at the words, the meaning behind them so much deeper then anything anyone had ever said to her before.  As she thought about it, she realized that Clarke was right.  They could be anywhere and she would be content with it as long as Clarke was with her.  She pulled the blonde in closer, capturing her lips between her own, growling slightly when the heart monitor she was still hooked up to began to beep loudly.  She felt Clarke’s laughter against her lips and fought the red that was creeping up her neck.

      “Someone is excited,” Clarke teased.  

      “I hate that machine,” Lexa groaned.

      “I don’t mind it myself,” Clarke mused as her lips curved up in a smile.  “In fact, I wonder…”

      Lexa stifled a gasp as Clarke’s lips suddenly pressed against the sensitive spot where her neck and shoulders met.  Clarke laughed again as the beeping kicked up in tempo once more.

      “Clarke…” Lexa warned, knowing exactly where this was going.

      “It’s been three weeks.  I think a little excitement is exactly what the doctor ordered,” Clarke murmured as her lips trailed lower.  

      Her hands began moving as well and Lexa silently cursed the person who had invented the heart monitor as she simultaneously worked to keep her breathing under control.  Suddenly, she was no longer tired.  

      “You need to stay still so that you don’t tear any stitches.  Do you think you can manage that?” Clarke asked as she moved lower still.

      Lexa gulped and nodded, at a loss for words.  Clarke smiled widely as her hands found the waistband of her pants.

      “Good,” she replied before turning her focus lower.

      Sleep was slow in coming to them that night.  Neither minded.

 

**XXX**

  

      A full month after returning from Polis, Abby had finally agreed to discharge Lexa as long as she promised to stay in the settlement for another few weeks so she could make sure Lexa was fully healthy.  Lexa wasn’t pleased, but given that the woman had saved her life- twice- she couldn’t argue too much.  She wasn’t used to having so many people in her life that genuinely cared about her well being and it was almost overwhelming.   

      Lexa was growing stronger everyday and she knew most of that was due to Clarke’s efforts more than her own.  Clarke seemed to know exactly when to push her, when to tell her enough was enough, and what she needed before she could even voice the request.  If possible, they had only grown closer in the past few weeks since she’d woken up.  It had also helped that her surgical incisions had finally started healing to the point where her movement wasn’t quite as restricted.  While she wasn’t keen to stay in Arkadia, she couldn’t deny that being there taught her a great deal about the Skaikru as a people- things that she wouldn't have known otherwise.  By the fifth week, she could tell that Clarke was just as restless as she was and they knew that despite Abby’s wishes, it was time for them to return to Polis and finally pick up the pieces they’d left behind.  After dinner, they decided to approach the doctor together, knowing that a united front would likely be more persuasive.  The medical bay was empty at this time of night, no patients left to treat since Lexa had been discharged.  They found Abby at her desk, the only light in the bay coming from the small one on her desk.  Abby was hunched over a stack of papers, her brow furrowed in concentration.  Lexa hesitated at the doorway, not eager to interrupt the clearly busy woman.  Clarke smirked at her but then grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers as she gently pulled Lexa along behind her.

      “Mom?” Clarke called quietly.

      Abby jumped slightly, not having heard their approach.

      “Clarke, Lexa,” she acknowledged with a warm smile as she glanced up at them.  “Is something wrong?”

      “No,” Clarke clarified quickly.  “We wanted to ask you something.”

      Abby quirked an eyebrow in silent acknowledgement for them to continue.  

      “I know you wanted Lexa to stick around for another week or so, but we really need to get back to Polis,” Clarke began.  “The Grounders need their leader back.”

      Abby gave them a displeased look, but she didn’t argue.  Instead, she stood and turned to retrieve what they both recognized as Lexa’s chart from the shelf behind her.  Lexa glanced at Clarke nervously as they waited to see what Abby had to say.  Abby paged through the chart and then looked up at both of them.  

      “Lexa, if you wouldn’t mind hopping on that table over there, I’ll do your weekly assessment to see how you’re healing.  I’ll let you know my decision after that,” Abby informed them.

      Lexa moved quickly to the table and sat down.  Abby walked over as Clarke sat in her chair behind the desk.  She flipped through Lexa’s chart, something she’d done hundreds of times over the last few weeks.  She practically knew all of it word for word.  She looked up as she heard a quiet conversation taking place between Abby and Lexa.  It seemed serious from the tone and the look on both women’s faces.  

      “Everything alright?” Clarke asked worriedly.

      Lexa turned and smiled at her, “Better than alright.”

      “I believe Lexa is fit enough to make the journey back to Polis,” Abby revealed.

      Clarke’s smile matched Lexa’s as she jumped up and hugged her mother.  “Thank-you so much, mom,” she murmured.

      “Of course, Clarke,” Abby replied as she hugged her daughter back.  The embrace was comforting and familiar, a hug that reminded Clarke of the time before her whole world had turned upside down.  Abby pulled back after a few moments but left her hands on Clarke’s shoulders so that the blonde stayed focused on her.  “Lexa and I were discussing the merits of becoming the thirteenth clan.”

      Clarke felt her mouth fall open at the revelation, her eyes widening as she glanced between Lexa and her mother.  Lexa smirked at her reaction, amusement playing freely across her features as she watched Clarke struggling to comprehend Abby’s words.  Finally, a huge smile spread across her features and she wrapped Abby up in another hug before turning and pulling Lexa in as well.  The brunette stiffened at the sudden and unexpected affection, but after a moment, she relaxed into the familiar press of Clarke’s body on hers.

      Finally, the blonde released them both and pulled back, beaming in happiness at both of them.  “Mom, please consider this seriously.  We could use the Grounder’s help to survive the winter,” Clarke pled.

      “I am, and I will be bringing it to the Council later.  I think they will agree that becoming the Thirteenth Clan is our best option.  However, it may be easier if we had a liaison to smooth the way between the Commander and her people and ours.  Someone who has a deep understanding of both cultures.”  Abby gave Clarke a pointed look.

      Clarke’s eyes widened as she realized what Abby was asking her.

      “Clarke, if you agree, we’d like you to be ambassador between me and Skaikru while we attempt to settle this,” Lexa told her quietly.

      Clarke looked between the both of them, stunned once more by the faith both seemed to place in her.

      “I would be honored,” Clarke replied, looking forward to being able to assist her people in some manner once more.  Her features clouded over at the thought that the position may require her to stay in Arkadia.  Sensing the shift in her mood, Lexa placed a hand on her arm.

      “You would be welcome in Polis if that is what you would wish,” Lexa assured her.

      Clarke glanced at Abby, the guilt of choosing one over the other clear on her face.  Abby gave her a sad but understanding smile.

      “Clarke, I think you should go to Polis.  You’ll be needed there,” Abby told her.  “While I’ll miss you, we both know you’ve outgrown us here in Arkadia.  It’s time to maximize your potential to do good things in this world.”

      Tears of gratitude and relief slipped from Clarke’s eyes as she pulled her in for another hug.  “Thank-you, mom,” she murmured.

      “I’m so proud of you, baby,” Abby whispered back.

      “We’ll leave at first light,” Lexa advised them quietly as Clarke released her mother.  She nodded in agreement, smiling at the brunette.

      “We can go pack now,” Clarke offered.

      Lexa nodded and with a smile, they left Abby to her work.  They didn’t have much to gather, just a few simple things here and there.  Once they were finished, they went out to the gates to inform Indra of their travel plans.  The General looked as pleased as she could considering her face never seemed to convey anything other than general contempt and hatred.  She told them she would have their horses ready for them.  As they turned to proceed back into the camp, they bumped into Luna and Raven as they were coming out.  

      “Good!  We were looking for you!” Raven exclaimed, a goofy smile on her face.

      “Well, you’ve found us,” Clarke replied, helpless to prevent the smile that was spreading on her own features.  Raven’s energy was infectious.

      “Raven and I are returning to my village this evening,” Luna revealed, a smile gracing her features as well.

      Lexa’s eyebrows arched in a silent question as Clarke let out a small squeal.

      “I knew it!” she exclaimed as she threw her arms around both women and pulled them in.  “I’m so happy for you both!”

      “Yeah, yeah,” Raven replied grumpily, though her smile contradicted her tone.

      Once Clarke released them, Lexa offered Luna her forearm in the traditional Grounder shake.  Luna grasped it happily, her smile wider than before.

      “I am very happy for you, old friend.”

      “For you as well,” Luna shot back, nodding towards Clarke who had pulled Raven to the side to speak with her in low tones.

      “We return to Polis tomorrow,” Lexa told her proudly.  She was startled when Luna pulled her in for a hug of her own.

      “I’m so glad everything worked out,” she murmured.

      “As am I,” Lexa agreed.

      Luna pulled back and Raven linked their hands together.  

      “So we’ll see you when we visit Polis next month?” Raven asked.

      “You will,” Clarke replied, her smile wide upon her face as she beamed at Lexa.  “I’m the ambassador between the Commander and Skaikru.”

      “Called it,” Raven stated smugly.  “You owe me,” she continued looking at Luna.  

      “You guys had a bet going?” Clarke scoffed, mocking offense.

      “Of course, Griff.  Couldn’t pass it up,” Raven replied sweetly.

      “What was the prize?” Lexa wondered aloud.

      When both women turned pink at the question, Clarke burst out laughing.  Lexa simply looked on, confused until Raven muttered a final goodbye and pulled a still mortified Luna behind her.  Clarke was still chuckling when they returned to their living quarters.

      Lexa pulled her down onto the bed with her and captured her lips in her own, Clarke’s laughter quickly turning to gasps as Lexa’s hands wandered and her lips roamed over her sensitive flesh.  Before she became carried away, however, she pulled back to look at Clarke.

      “Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked, concerned.  “Returning to Polis with me rather than staying here to assist your people?  It will not always be easy, my duties can be difficult to bear sometimes.”

      Clarke brushed a few strands of hair from Lexa’s face as she stared adoringly down upon the woman she loved more than anyone else in this world.  

      “I am more than sure,” Clarke murmured.  “My people were once everything to me, and so I gave them every part of me.  That has since changed,” Clarke revealed.  “While they remain important to me, you are now everything to me.  I am choosing to give every damaged, ravaged, broken, loving piece of myself to you.”

      Lexa could only stare in wonder at the woman above her as the gravity of her words sank in.  

      “Since I landed here, I’ve felt like I’ve been grappling for a foothold, for some place where everything would right itself and make sense.  I’ve found that in you,” Clarke continued quietly as she accented each sentence with a kiss to a part of Lexa’s flesh.  “My world only makes sense when you’re in it.  Even when I hated you, I loved you.  I’ve loved you from the moment we met, I think.”

      Clarke stilled as that quiet revelation left her lips, the words surprising even her.  After a moment, Lexa pulled her down into a passionate kiss, their lips moving in tandem and communicating without a single word.  When she pulled back, panting slightly, she looked into the familiar deep blue eyes that had shone through the darkness that had threatened to consume her so many months ago, the eyes that had seen strength in her even when she had not, that had seen someone worth loving despite all her beliefs in the opposite.  She was grounded each and every time she looked into them, knowing that home was here in the woman before her and not in any place.  

      “I think I’ve loved you since we met, also,” Lexa quietly divulged, the words falling into the charged space between them.  “I think I was meant to love you, to hold you, in this life and every one to come, always.”

      “Always,” Clarke whispered back as she leaned in once more and brushed her lips against Lexa’s.  “I will love you, always.”


End file.
